So, I'm New To This...

And I don't mean only these forums...

If I posted this topic in the wrong place, I apologize. I'm still trying to figure out how such a place works. :/

I joined this forum hoping to learn about things I've been far too embarrassed to ask about elsewhere: my body. And, more specifically, the sexual aspects of it. You might be surprised or shocked to know that I'm a woman who will be turning 30 not too long from now, so: SURPRISE!

Without going too much into my personal background, I was raised in a very abusive household. I recall quite vividly in my pre-teen years the first time I tried to masturbate (with my fingers) and got caught by my mother. Needless to say, the response was quite terrible and I've been absolutely terrified of my body ever since. I grew repulsed by it after I was raped in college, so much so that I couldn't stand the thought of touching myself in any way other than to clean in the shower. This continued for many years, even after I got my own place. I can guess what several of you may be thinking, and I've been to therapy. A LOT of it. I've come a long way since my pre-teens and college and over the last few years have become more comfrotable with myself. I've been in several relationships homo- and hetero-sexual (I am straight), and I'm no longer a virgin. Through my solo experiementations, I've discovered that I really like certain things which I'm pretty embarrassed to admit to because I'm not sure it's entirely normal? This is all still very new to me though, so I'm not even sure what "normal" is in this topic.

I'm quite proud to say that 2 weeks ago I bought my very first vibrator: a Jimmy Jane. I don't masturbate often and have used it only twice since buying it. I'm thinking to maybe buy some more toys when I work up the nerve again. But, I've never had an orgasm. Not with a partner (who have all been utterly selfish) and not while masturbating. It's not a matter of being physically unable to, because I know I can.. Or at the very least I'm quite certain I can due to the way my body reacts. I also *want* to experience an orgasm, so it's not psychological in this regard. But I'm really unfamiliar with my body and what happens to it during various stages of sexual arousal, so it's genuinely frightening for me. Over the last few years that I've become more comfortable with my body, I've slowly pushed myself to masturbate longer and longer, but it's been a very long process (and a part of my therapy). On my own, I've reached a point where my hips thrust and my legs feel very weak. The last time I masturbated, I got to a point where my body felt incredibly hot, heavy, and tight. It was like I was being squeezed all over from head to toe. This was scary to feel for the first time so I stopped.

I know everyone experiences an orgasm differently, so I'm not really sure what I'm asking by posting here... But I guess I kind of want assurance of some sort that this is a normal thing to feel when you're masturbating? I'm also curious what will it feel like if I keep going... I know a part of me was afraid it would become painful if I continued. And then, the big O... What can I expect to feel? I'm not looking for "amazing", and most websites describe it in very flowery definitions, but I want to know in a more physical way, and an honest one. Should I use the bathroom beforehand? Should I gag myself? What can I expect after it's over, aside from possibly feeling exhausted? (It takes a lot of work to masturbate, they don't teach this in sex ed). I realize this may be an almost impossible request to answer, but I'd appreciate input and even advice. Men and Women (obviously looking for more women, but I won't discriminate). But I feel like if I know what to expect physically it won't scare me as much the next time.

 

I am amazed and saddened that nobody replied to your post and I am so very sorry to read of the abuse you have suffered. I cannot tell you what the 'Big O' is like for a woman and would not presume to try. I have witnessed many thousands of them in my lover and can assure you that they are not painful and are amazingly pleasant and uplifting. Your reticence and fears derive, obviously, from the abuse you have suffered. Can I however presume to suggest that you are stopping just at the point where touching yourself where arousal has started to take over/take control of your body and (possibly) this is what is scaring you. I can only encourage you to persevere, don't stop because you think it will be painful. It will be the first step towards loving and respecting yourself.

 

I really doubt that she's still around, considering she stopped logging on here a day after she made this thread. Hopefully she's doing better these days. That is, IF she was even legit in the first place.