So I wonder

Discussion in 'Transexual and Transgender' started by el demente, Nov 19, 2020.

  1. soulcompromise

    soulcompromise Member

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    This reminds me of the time I thought I was gay...

    I was friends with a guy - Mike. I wasn't coming on to him, I was trying to be open...

    But there's a problem. Mike is a straight guy.


    He's not an asshole - he can see this is fucking eating me... But he doesn't know PFLAG or anything remotely like a support strategy.

    He's not going there, and it's 2001 or something.

    So, I poured my heart out and tried to inch my way into this explanation of what was going on - I didn't like guys, but I couldn't reconcile some of my emotions. I didn't feel right in my own skin...

    Well, he didn't say much that I remember. In fact, I can't remember shit about it! Not a thing... I think I blocked it out.

    So.. what the hell is going on? Well, I had this experience where a guy came out to me. It was 2000 - well before I told Mike I was gay.

    My girlfriend Kira and I were at a loft party doin' club shit - coke, ketamine, ecstasy, whatever... it's not important and that's not the point.

    Okay, let's pause here. There's something I wanted to say about that... Drugs are fucking awful. That's all I have to say about it, really.

    Anyway... back to my point.

    Ken, 37, had been in the airforce. 15 years a soldier, he was working in downtown Denver, had a pretty cool apartment with artistic decor, and now as it turned out was gay...

    We were young, and knew Ken through raving...

    Intermission. Again. Raving is dumb! Don't be fooled. It's not mentioned here to glorify it. The point is the context, so if ever you wondered (you didn't, I know... :rolleyes:) don't.

    So, I was 20, Kira 18, and she already knew - they were from Denver; I was from suburban California and didn't know shit about sexual revolutions. I remember thinking they planned it; spring it on me... all this heavy shit and then I lose it... was that the plan all along??

    Well, I started having these thoughts - questioning*.

    And then, a year later thought I was gay.


    I never did anything but think. And think. And think. And think...

    I concluded years and years later (around probably 2005 or so) that I'm straight, and further that if I was going to move on from that without turning bisexual that I should adopt a different attitude.

    This is key! This is the point!

    I had fallen into this trap... I thought that by default, through openness and honesty with myself and with my peers I must be gay. It was the logical conclusion, and I wasn't the one who was mixed up - it was everyone else.

    Now those of you who are lgbtq+ are rolling your eyes... :D "we're mixed up?".

    No. But I was on drugs. I was sad, confused, and angry. I had run away from my life. I was alone with only my pseudo-relations and promiscuity to comfort me... I made some bad decisions. This was my way out! This was how I was expressing myself then.

    But I believe the point is sometimes we think of these things - they're settled as normal in our subconscious because society has a piss-poor method of teaching sexual preference. We conclude through rejection that this is our alternative - it must be our preference, or at least our logical alternative.


    I think your friend has some baggage probably. If you will, talk to your friend (him/her/them/they...?). Talk to them.

    Let them know you're very concerned about this. Listen to them. Tell them "love" is why. Tell them that word.
    ~Zen~ likes this.

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