SO Confused....

I am in a relationship with some one for almost 2 years....and he has told me that he does not enjoy or sex very often, but he says he loves me and whats to continue the relationship....I am so confused....I have never been in a relationship where this was a problem, he is a Aspie.:willy_nilly::willy_nilly:

 

how old is he?
The sex drive in men kinda drops when we get older

 

he is 35....

 

Are you really 56?, Then why do you play dumb for?

You know their libidos drop off when they get older, thats why you hooked up with a guy 20 years younger in the first place

 

No.... we were friends, and the relationship just happened....so tell him to get lost?

 

My libido is still strong & even more often now in the place I work as I get to see hundreds of sexy young woman weekly passing thru it weekly & dozens each day I'm there.

 

can Libido diminish at 35???

 

I don't see any reasons why it can't. It could be genetic or it could be his preferences and he is just not an individual with a high libido.

But I can't tell if he is an aspie just from that. He has to fit other criteria before one can be declared as having an Autistic Spectrum Disorder according to the (DSM-5).

 

aint sticking penis in elderly

 

Yes he is a Aspie He has been Diagnosed years ago...........ummmmm he looks older then I How do you post a picture on here??

 

Leslie - it's not a problem unless you want to make it one.

If you love him you'll respect what he needs and wants.

Conversely, if he loves you, he'll respect what you need and want.

Between the two of you, with a little bit of open and honest communication, you should be able to work something out.

 

Wow, ok

I didnt see that first time around

Funny how it works, if you were a 56 yr old guy talking about a girl 20 years younger with an intellectual diasbility ( and strong chance he has some kind of intellectual disability) thats not as interested in sex as she should be, you'd be drawn and quartered, maybe even end up in jail. Funny how chics can get away with it.

After saying that though, I hope you dont cut him off completely, otherwise likley he will end up on the streets later on in life if he has no support network.

Just on ASD, they say they dont know what causes it, but they do, not the underlying cause, but varying development of the parts of the brain that have to do with the senses, the real reason for some of those difficulties with social interactions, because they never see, hear or smell the way everyone else does, they never know what they experience is not normal because they've never experienced normal, no one else understands because they've never experienced what they experience, cant communicate it properly anyway

As an example, not saying this is what happens to him, just an example more easily understood, what if everytime you got excited (including having sex) then suddenly you developed Clark Kent hearing and could hear a pin drop and every sound get amplified, how much would that freak you out, put you off anything that gets you excited.

Buuuuut, the real hard part to wrap your head around is, if that boost in hearing always happened your entire life, you never knew any different, no idea yourself that was 'abnormal', you would associate that extra stress with what you were doing at the time, not in the change in function of that sense.

Spend his whole life, pretty much everyone going by the laymans definition of Aspergers, oh he's awkward cos he's different, think he's slower. When really its about avoiding larger groups cos suddenly everything else gets louder or everyone suddenly smells far worse, which then gets him stressed. Then the other way round, gets stressed at the thought of large groups because he knows that previously got him stressed, the whole time having no idea that change in the senses doesnt happen to everyone.

You are never going to be able to understand what actually goes on in his head, and he's never going to be able to communicate that too you.......although thats true of anyone really isnt it

 

Soooo I am not sure what to do...I have never had a problem like this in my life..I know I should not take it personal...but it is really hard not too!!

 

I recommend therapy in this case, a sex therapist with a background knowledge in relationships and social dynamics and understanding with learning disabilities.

You need to talk to an expert here who can help bridge the gaps in understanding.

---
Vanilla might be correct in that he is overstimulated by social and sensations of the senses and that sex is uncomfortable because of the heightened sensitivity.

It's also very possible he has anxiety about having sex, perhaps he feels pain while it happens. I can't say.

 

Because the answer is to cheat


I'm sure the morality police will get together and hit me over the head for saying it, but thats about their crap, not what may be best for you or him.

Read up what happens to guys with Aspergers and similar things post 50, without support network very likely he will end up homeless.

Get yourself another toy boy for the needs, this one is more interested in a companion, probably kind of over sex, yeah most guys that age or older crap on about how there are just horny as a teen but thats just all ego talking, not even close to like it is when one is a teen, he may even get off on the thought of you with other guys.

Do what most everyone else tells you, with words like trust and commitment bla blah blah , try stay just with him, and more than likely you'll get fed up, split, loose him as a friend as well, he ends up homeless and the guy or two after him has slpit cos they werent as interested in sticking around

 

Thanks Vanilla, you have some good points, he is very old for his age, and very very smart, and I do Love him.......I have to decide what will work I guess.

 

I totally disagree, it very much is a problem and is the reason she created this post. I agree that if you love someone you should be honest, faithful and try to make them as happy and fulfilled as possible. Now unless a couple has an open-ended relationship then they are the only sexual partner they will ever have for as long as they are together. So that whole "If you love him then you'll respect him" I think is BS, at least in this case.

Relationships have compromise and some sacrifice for sure. It's totally one thing to be with someone or married to them for years, and either by an unfortunate accident, illness, or just simply old age the sex goes away or fades. And to that I say some things you just have to roll with and if you can't then do what you have to do I guess. However this is just two years into a relationship and they aren't married (and I assume don't have kids). The reality of this is she's going to be sexually unfulfilled for as long as she stays with him, and that is unfair to her and her needs. In the end she will be sexually void, resent him for it, and if the opportunity presents itself she will cheat on him or just end up being unhappy. Basically it's a no win situation.

Yes communication is imperative and she should try to communicate with him so he understands where she's coming from, but in the end you cannot expect to change people and he may try for a little while to please her but it's not going to last. Yes it's hard to find the "perfect" relationship but the OP needs to really ask herself how strong her love is for this guy. Personally I think she needs to leave him and seek out someone else. You may think that's cruel or heartless but it's better if it's done now then her saying with him, waking up 10-20 years from now realizing she missed out, and is now an old resentful person.

Just saying...

 

I am going to agree with Monkjr and say therapy and if he loves you he will go, Because,,, sex itself is important to you, beyond that an agreement for an open relationship that happens with respect of his space if you really love him that much but need sex too, this beats the suggestion several posts above saying "go cheat on him". It's odd that you love him even tho sex isn't a part of it because for me I love everything about my guy and sex isn't all of it but it is a big part of it,,, here is why.
Without a man in my life, and I think many women could agree to this, sex isn't as important to me. I can totally live without it but place a good man in my way and there is a strong relationship to be had,,, I am all over his bones, all the time. Would I be with a man who didn't care about or like sex? Probably not, I like a man who smells nice, turns me on, makes me hungry for him when we are apart, that's what makes me love him, plus his honesty and sincerity towards our relationship.
I would hire a man to be around the house if I didn't care for the sex part,,, wait, I did that, hired a man 14 years younger then me and we kinda became attracted to each other over time so that's kind of a lie,,, but I think because that was a rough time in my life and he was a very caring kind as well which might have made me fail here and find attraction as did he.
Ya that was kinda my mistake, but his too and he did move on so a learning curve for me, hire women,,, it was a live in situation and I was vulnerable at the time and sometimes we spent too much time together plus work wise and beyond we connected really well like really good friends at first so it went off track a bit. I'm not into women so hiring women should work, plus I have a BF now and he will keep me busy anyway.
But seriously, if I am not attracted to anyone I barely think of sex. Went 4 and a half years without while I ran my store, my way, not answering to anyone else and not a care in the world about what was not there,,,
You need to fix it somehow, and hopefully he goes with it so you get the full meal deal in your life. Wanting and not getting is unhealthy for the relationship and you. If he attracts you the way it sounds you will be missing a big part of it all without sex. IMO it's kind of the key so to say that binds the relationship.

 

for me my attraction is the whole package...not just the way someone looks, some one can look totally great but if our over all beings don't mesh then it does not matter, I just wonder how much of it has to do with him being a Aspie?

 

wait i think i left something important out!!! he is addicted to porn, and masturbates a lot, was that way when we met...can that cause him to be desensitive to sex???