What is it really about? I grew up as a free-lover, but it seems I have only been with boys who take "free love" to mean they can have one at home and fuck around too, without worrying about getting in trouble! So, what is the difference between polygamy and non-monogamy? I know that polygamy is having multiple relationships; does that mean that non-monogamy is having a relationship plus a few extra fucks on the side? (My most recent free-loving ex insisted that non-monogamy was NOT about extra fucks, but you know that is what I was ... so I tend to think he is full of shit. ) And when one is in a non-monogamous/free-loving relationship, is there allowed to be love? We went into ours loving one another deeply, but within a week he had taken up with some girl who "didn't want any attachments" -- and dumped me within a few days. So was I doing it wrong? Was I not supposed to love him? Because I also tried to NOT love him, to not do anything with him except sex, and that failed hard-core. (I am of the general opinion that this generation has simply taken a great concept and twisted it around into some terrible mess in order to fit their ridiculous ideas about self-gratification.)
The word you're looking for is "polyamory." A good starting point is this site: http://www.polyamory.org/ If you find that sort of lifestyle worth investigation, consider subscribing to "the poly list," a high-volume email discussion group. You may be surprised at how many others think along those lines. ...when one is in a non-monogamous/free-loving relationship, is there allowed to be love? It can happen. But most advocates of polyamory are not entirely comfortable with the labels that became attached to the "swinging" lifestyle, or with polygamy and polygyny (sp?) or "free love" or "open marriage." My wife and I have had very alternative views of those things from the very start of our relationship way back in 1981. We do permit each other to feel "love" for others, but do have agreements about what behaviors and choices we will make without full support of the other. We've still not met that "perfect third person" or "perfect other couple" and probably never will. But we refuse to kill any such dreams just because they're inherently unlikely.\ I am of the general opinion that this generation has simply taken a great concept and twisted it around into some terrible mess in order to fit their ridiculous ideas about self-gratification.) The concept, in my honest opinion, is a good and valid one. The "twisted it" comes not from deliberate abuse, probably, but rather the simple fact that there are few societal institutions in place to support and aid those who dare to try alternative family arrangements. Our own first steps towards poly life were clumsy and profoundly painful. At that time, there was no Internet "community" to help us sort out our beliefs and actions. Thankfully, that's changed drastically, and now anyone curious about responsible non-monogamy can find like-minded people in their community with which to discuss such things in comfortable settings. Personally, I can say that I was not at all mature enough to deal with such issues at your age. But I have real admiration for those courageous enough to face those issues at such a trying and difficult developmental age (NOT meant to belittle you in ANY way!).
First of all, I do not think self-gratification is ridiculous of necessity. I do agree that free-love may mean many things for different people, and some of them will bend it to their convenience. I also think it is difficult to live a free love ideal against the grain of an entire society that grows more conservative each day (despite what liberals would like to believe). I am beginning to understand that I am not for free love or polyamory after all. I do think sex for sex's sake is quite alright. Without any metaphysical ideas such as "love" attatched to it. Because of that, I'll from now on try to make that distinction clear to anyone I may get involved with in the future. Which probably means I'll be a lonely, bitter fuck for the rest of my days...lol
free love's just when two nonmarried people makkke loove (make love, not war) most of the fucking between young people is...free love then. but i guess free love could also be when you don't have to have any sort of weighed down relationship sort of things and you sleep together
To me, polygamy/polyamory is about 'true love.' The impression that dominates at least Western Culture in this era is that true love means that special someone you ride into the sunset with. Golly, it's a noun! To me, true love is unconditional love. What people generally refer to as 'love' is what I call 'obsession.' And obsession can be awesome! However, I want to be able to set the person I truly-love Free. Not restrain them with commitments. Unconditionally support/love them. That doesn't mean I agree with everything they do, either. It just means that I realize we are not separate.
either I'm to tired to think & to lazy to look it up but even after being married & divorced from someone raised in the Mormon religion I forget....what's the difference between bigamy & polamory? seems like to me bigamy=trying to hide the fact u already have a legal wife but u still go sign paperwork to make a 2nd person your wife. that "Mormon Utah thing"= legally marry 1 person, then find others who u "CALL" your wife~~WITHOUT the legal paperwork!!! the UTAH thing ain't much different then most so called monogamous guys who get married and then decide to have a girlfriend on the side~~except the UT people are a little more open about it.
Suncatch...it sounds like what your man...or ex man, practiced was free sex, not free love. Love doesn't seem to even be in the equation here. Non-monogamy is free fucking. Fuck who you want and when you want with no attachment. Polyamory is participation in multiple relationships, loving OR sexual. It's about feeling for the flow and letting the natural relationship unfold without societal constraints. Bigamy is when you're legally married to one person, and then get married again without ending the first marriage. White Ginger, you sound like you have an awesome understanding of the true principals of love. Thats a rare and beautiful thing. Don't let anyone kill that in you. I might add to your definition. Obsession = fear. My wife and I have been together for over seven years in a free relationship and we have a deeper love than I ever imagined I'd find. Even though we have a polyamorous relationship, we've only been with two other people in seven years. It's not about having an orgasm, it's about developing a relationship and letting it naturally unfold. If that means that sex is somethingthat comes of it...fine. If it doesn't...thats fine too.
Societal constraints. Yes. We had none of those. I am against those. I have an obsession-free view of love, but DID have an obsession with allowing my loved ones and me to be free. However, I am not happy with someone telling me he loves me (even freely) and then turning around and dumping me. I guess this is what I was talking about. I haven't heard anything new or shocking here ... I knew all of this all along. That leaves me with a lot more disturbing questions that I need to ask of myself -- such as, if I wasn't wrong in my interpretation of free love, what exactly was I wrong about? =/ Thanks for your help.
then I guess you were only wrong about what you really wanted..sometimes the "idea" of free love may sound good in a movie, news or book or even for a neighbor but you probably have a slightly different view about what you really want for yourself.
I have never seen any movies or read any books about love. I wanted us both to be free -- I also wanted to not be treated like a human fuck toy again. THAT is what I really wanted. Sorry if I came off sounding like some ignorant girl who likes to trap men with commitment. If I ever see a commitment coming I will run ... so, no.
here's the problem... everyone has a different view of what free love is different limitations of things that are ok and not ok when it comes to polyamoury if you find someone who thinks along those lines, you -have- to discuss what their interpretation of it is, to find out the boundaries, to try and see what could happena nd what won't ever happen. Suncatch, I think what you're talking about moreso involves respect, than what free love is or isn't. It sounds like you had a partner who didn't respect you and tried to hide behind 'free love' as an excuse for it
Okay ... I honestly thought perhaps free love was not SUPPOSED to involve respect. (I always thought it should, but was not sure if I was right or wrong.) I guess that is what I wanted -- respect.
I think all healthy or positive relationships involve respect How people interpret the requirements of showing respect is different for the individual too though
Yeah ... and getting used and discarded by someone who supposedly shared my ideals, was not very respectful. Guess I should have made that clear to him right off the bat ... but does anyone else find it rather sad that I would HAVE to?
some people are just dumb I made a similar mistake, though not to the same scale... didn't clarify that some actions bespoke of disrespect to me and it was the major cause of our breakup. Don't know if it was my fault for not sayign it or his fault for not recognizing it (he was very smart socially, just chose to ignore most social rules) Blah, exes suck. Time to get over and find a new bedwarmer. Er, boyfriend.
I think to avoid such a thing to happen again, you just have to make clear to yourself and to your new partners what is free love for you and what you espect from a relationship. And that's not sad, it's normal! In relationships nothing is understood or clear from the beginning. The critical points always have to be discussed before the relationship starts. (not necessarily before making love but before you get too involved). For example make clear that if the guy is simply searching for "no attachments" that's not a thing for you. It's clear that you think to a real affective relationship where there might be freedom but still you want to be "the girlfriend" and not just one sex friend like any other. At this level I totally agree with you. And this is simple enough to do. Another point is how you feel about love, since you talked about love. You can't be the girlfriend of someone who don't want a girlfriend. So as soon as a relationship grow in importance for you, you have to make it cleaar to him. That is in your own interest. Then you can decide if that relationship can go on or not. Personally I believe in universal love rather than in romantic love but this inolve respect and also sensibility. I like to think that sexual freedom when you are in an affective relationship is not an individual right but an agreement of the couple so for example, let's suppose you are in a relationship with me. In that case if I love you I can also love your freedom. And your sexual freedom comes also from me. So I expect even you to be grateful of that freedom you get. Not enough: I could have some preferences about this argument. For example I prefer to make experiences together rather than separately. So how to use the freedom we get. this is another topic every couple should discuss. Because people are not pieces of wood.
Suncatch -- what do you mean when you say you've never seen any films or read any books about love? How is this possible? I'm just curious.
