So about 2 years ago my sister told our family our stepfather had sexually abused her for years. She went to therapy, our mom left the guy, she moved in with my aunt, and our family seemed to have moved past this. Today my aunt called crying, saying she'd just discovered my sister and my cousin, who is one year (17) younger than her, have been having a relationship. I don't know what to do! I was there for my sister from the beginning, but I know this will crush my family, just like it did 2 years ago...and my aunt has asked my sister to move out. What can I do to help, my mom just had a stroke a few months ago and when things were finally looking up, my world seems to going down the drain. Please, I'd appreciate any words you have for me, thanks.
Really you should try help your sister. Not uncommon for people that are abused to reach out sexually to others as a coping mechanism. Victims of abuse often see their worth dimish to a sex object and prefer to give it away rather than feel the pain of being abused again
Thanks, I just wish I knew how. She hasn't spoken to me, but from what I know the relationship was consensual. I'm just not sure what the next step is. We really are a close knit family and I don't want people choosing sides and hating each other, but I just feel stuck, and I don't know what the next step is.
And do you believe the sister about the stepfather now? Is she the type go create drama anyway, seek attention? Just saying, sometimes it is a wolf in sheeps clothing
I'll put it another way Does that actually make sense to you that she would start hooking up with the cousin after what happened with the stepfather. Many people will rationalize it in a way that lets them believe the way they want to believe, as John did above. But do you really buy an explanation like that? What do you think your aunt really thinks of her?
She is your sister! Like people say, good job you can pick your friends! Why would you take sides? How is this hurting you?
I know she didn't lie about my stepfather. She said it all started when she was really young, about 9 yrs old. He even admitted to it, so i don't doubt her on that. I'm just confused. My aunt was the person she first told when she finally came out, so that's why she took her in. I'm not sure if it was because my cousin who is close to her age and would always be close to her was the one she got involved with. They shared everything, and he helped her around to get acclimated to her new surroundings, I don't know, maybe that grew into something more for them, but it's just something my family can not accept. I guess you're right, there is no picking sides, there is just the moving on...but how? Honestly, if you want to know how this is hurting me, it's hurting me in the sense that i feel betrayed and like i can't trust her. Most of all, i feel like they fooled us and took us for granted. I know a lot of people see no problem with consenting family relationships, but as much as i want to accept this might have happened like any other relationship, i can't. He's my cousin, but i loved him like a brother. Believe it or not, my family is close knit. We're so close, and it hurts that i feel like that is just gone now. I feel like I'll never have the family i used too, and i'm scared that other family will reject us because of their mistake. I know i'll get past this with my sister, over everything, i love her and i don't want her to feel isolated because losing her would be worst that any mistake she made. I just wished i knew what to do next.
Well you could also take it as he is the one that took advantage of a vulnerable girl that had no place to go. The whole daddy issue girl looking for affection is common and sad that most girls allow/make things happen with guys for years to feel close to several guys until they realize later they want to be nurtured rather than sexed but sex is much easier to find
Honestly, that is what i thought of first. But then i thought i was looking too hard for an answer to make my sister the victim. Maybe i'm trying to rationalize this in a way that i'll accept my sister and blame my cousin. I just wonder if this is an issue she should seek therapy for, or if it's an issue just because WE think it's wrong. I just need her to talk to someone. She won't talk to any of us, and truthfully this isn't something i want to know more about, i just want to know she okay, and that she speak to someone. Whatever the reason is for doing what she did, if she thought it was right, or just did it for reason like you stated before. I just wish she'd open up, so we know if this was a deeper set issue, or it was just a relationship that grew from being close to one another.
Too many questions, it's why she isn't talking to you..Let her talk in her own time, she must feel like everyone is hanging up on her right now! It's easy if your abused, to run into the first arms that open, she will want to be feeling " normal" right now..Maybe you both need to talk about this to someone, just don't forget who was abused here, don't make yourself into a victim over this, your not, help your sister! Good luck!
I understand what you're saying. I guess i just hadn't really thought of things in that way. I keep thinking she's not the victim here, they both did this...but you're right, i guess i just have to be there for her, for when she's ready to talk. I didn't want to make myself the victim, i just hated everything that i was feeling. I hated this feeling of hopelessness and feeling like i'm losing my family. Anxiety and depression hit me like a train, straight on...i just needed some perspective with this issue, as you can see i'm all over the place.
I'm curious how old you are. You may be trying to deal with more than you can handle. Just remember to take care of yourself first, there is nothing selfish about that. Talk to a professional if you think that would help. Anxiety and depression are serious problems, it can really derail your life.
I'm actually 25, my sister is 19 and my cousin is 18 (male). Thanks for your advice, i know i need to calm down and take care of me first, but at this point i can't even do that. I just feel like my mom is most important and i can't deal with me until i know she's ok. It's frustrating because i don't doubt she must feel the same way, which is why when my sister moves back in with us, i feel like there is going to be constant tension and an awkward feeling, that i don't know if i'll or she will be able to handle.
And so is this guy in jail or what.? Charged with anything at all? Not that hard nowadays He admitted it to who? You directly Uuuuuh huh Uuuuh huh
In some states, cousins can legally marry each other, although it may depend on to what degree they are cousins (first, second, etc.) But since your sister and cousin are both now consenting adults, I don't think you can tell them how to live their lives. Except maybe that your mom could say that if your sis and cousin are going to live under her roof, no sexual activity between them is allowed. But since you said their relationship is consensual, there's no rape or sexual assault or other crime being committed, with the exception (again) of whether sexual contact between blood relatives is against the law where you live.
My stepdad did admit to it, not to me, but to the people who confronted him, my aunt and mom. my family can't accept this relationship, so my mom is allowing her to move back home in agreement she continues with college here. They are hoping distance will get rid of these feelings they have for each other, of course if they chose to do otherwise then it would be up to them to make it on their own, this is why my sister agreed to my moms rules. We've said to them...they broke our trust and we think they have made a mistake. If they choose to break these new opportunities and conditions then for our family, it will be the last straw. I know for some, consensual is consensual and there is nothing we can do, but if that's the case and this were to happen again in the future then that would be the end for our relationship.
