should I tell her, or not?

Discussion in 'Lesbian' started by rocknroll_girl, May 28, 2004.

  1. Ok, well, I initially met this girl, Maribeth, who I'd been infatuated with physically (and somewhat emotionally based on a certain aura of mystery) because of the fantastic news that she thought she might be a lesbian. There was a period of a couple months or so where I really thought we were going somewhere romantically, I mean we were (and still are) so obsessed with each other it's ridiculous. We connect on such a deep level it's amazing. I always had this gut feeling, however, that she wasn't gay...she's so rebellious, thoughtful, curious about everything...I thought it might just be a passing question. We never really addressed being "together," it's just been a naturally flowing, unique bond. But I convinced myself that it wasn't a passing question and let myself completely fall for her.

    Then a few weeks ago, she tells me she's straight and it was indeed a passing idea. It's not like KNOWING she was COMPLETELY straight would have prevented me from having a huge crush on her, but it might have smoothed out the process. I can't explain it, it's so weird. I'm not heartbroken or even a little sad or anything.

    It's just that we always talked about lesbianism as a political thing, or a social condition...l'm clearly a lesbian and she clearly thinks it's interesting, but not as it pertains to the two of us. Yet she seems dependent on me for everything emotional, beyond friendship.

    We're attached. I think she's so beautiful, smart, funny, sexy...simply spending so much comfortable time with her watching a movie on the couch or something is such a rush, and it seems like telling her I actually DO have a strong sexual attraction to her would completely throw away that comfort.

    So why not just enjoy it the way it is, even if it's not 100% honest?
     
  2. King Dante

    King Dante Member

    well I think that telling her wouldnt be the worst idea. If she truley is straight then she will just tell you that she doesent like you in that way. She doesent seem like the kind of person to hate you because your a lesbian. On the other hand getting told that someone likes you when you don't like them can allways straign your friendship. I guess we're back zero. My advice: weigh the pro's and con's and then make up your own mind.
     
  3. Snowdancer

    Snowdancer Member

    about being straight? Or is having second thoughts because of all the crap society puts on us.

    If she is straight she will eventually drift away from you emotionally wouldn't she? If this straightness is the passing thing she will flow closer to you as you go on with your friendship, IMHO.

    All of what I'm saying is related to your not telling her right now. I bet she already knows it anyhow. I have screwed up perfectly good relationships by telling the person I cared about too much before they were ready. That doesn't always happen but I can atest that it can.

    I really would just keep the friendship going & if it develops into more you will already have a good friendship to base your partnership on. Go with the flow it will lead to what is meant to be. Just as you said in your last sentence. You wise girl.
     
  4. If I were you I wouldn´t tell her. At least not as long as you still have these intense feelings for her. Telling her now would probably destroy your special connection because it sounds like it´s based on the intellectual and emotional qualities you have in common, maybe something like soulmates, and sexual feelings just don´t fit in. I know it´s very hard to deal with something like that. I mean, it doesn´t happen too often that you meet a person you can totally relate to intellectually and emotionally and who you find sexually attractive as well, someone who´s mesmerizing you with everything she does or says. pure magic. it´s really hard to come to terms with the fact it´s just friends for her when you feel so much more. I´m in a similar situation and I tried to spend less time with her so that I could come over it but it didn´t work, quite the opposite. Maybe it´d work for you?
     
  5. I disagree with that idea, although we may be thinking on different wavelengths (you romantically, me just thinking about our emotional closeness). Just because she's straight and I'm a lesbian, of course, doesn't mean we'd be any less attached as best friends - know what I mean?

    The real issue here is sexual, and she being a very sexual person (we talk about evvvverything except my specific attraction to HER), it's a weird situation.

    I don't think I'll tell her any time soon. I figure I should let everything run its course.
     
  6. Is it a question of bravery? Do you think you could tell her if you were so compelled?
     
  7. Yeah, I could tell her if I knew it wouldn't ruin our relationship.

    I don't know that, but I'm 99% sure it wouldn't

    last night we were talking about sex and what it means to different people...it may sound strange, but we can talk about this stuff and it's not awkward, I'm still honest in a way. she basically asked me outright about if I ever just want to hook up with someone (a lot of people seem to think i'm so cold and unattracted to people...when really I just don't know any lesbians!) and I said something like, "yeah, but they're all straight, so what's the point?"

    and she was quiet for a while.

    I guess we're on the tip of the iceburg of simply talking about it.
     
  8. Phoenix

    Phoenix Member

    Go for it. Life isn't about playing it safe. I think she gave you an opening. And if she's truly your friend this shouldn't ruin it. If you can't be truly honest with your best friend then how good is the friendship?
     
  9. sushi

    sushi Member

    she basically asked me outright about if I ever just want to hook up with someone (a lot of people seem to think i'm so cold and unattracted to people...when really I just don't know any lesbians!) and I said something like, "yeah, but they're all straight, so what's the point?"


    wow, I could have written that.
    I hardly know any lesbians, so i find it difficult to really connect with someone aswell. And most people dont know, or were surprised that I do like ladies aswell, I still am aswell!
    I had somewhat same situation like you, and i told her that i really liked her and it ruined or friendship. She had a boyfriends, but she really was good with me when i told her. Problem was that after a year she told me she had feelings for me aswell, but had putten them away. SO now I have difficulities how the act with her. She s just okay. I dont know, its difficult. good luck
     
  10. It's not really a matter of how good our friendship is...I mean, friends do have to keep things from friends. In 99.9% of all relationships, certain individual needs and qualities must be kept down in favor of the shared bond's success. I actually have one relationship where NOTHING could ever be held back (my best friend Nick), but I think those kinds of friendships based obsessively on truth are rare.

    She doesn't have a boyfriend but she has guys she's interested in...it's strange, it's not like she even LIKES men persay, and she's certainly not one to repress anything for the sake of societal pressures...it's as though she's attracted to particular guys "against her will." Like she'd rather be gay but something about men just get her.

    I do tend to find myself getting pretty jealous when she talks about this one guy, though. It's weird because otherwise I'm not possessive in the least.
     
  11. Patch

    Patch Member

    i'd say you have to think about what you want more...the awesome (i assume) friendship that you have now...or a possible relationship/fuck friend/whatever that could possibly not work out...i've been there before and i wish i have stayed with what i knew was working...instead of jepordizing something great.
     
  12. Hey, I think you need to decide for yourself, but if I were you--I'd put myself out there. I mean if you have this raw deep connection there is quite a chance that this could be the real deal. On the other hand, if she is such a sexual person you might not want to toy with this because you could end up getting hurt. I have a similar situation with one of my best friends. We have this unbelievable connection. I'm not single and she claims she's straight so--who knows? We have this unspoken bond where we know everything that is going on with eachother. We can find things funny that no one else around us would. We flirt explicitly and makes me wonder. It sounds like a similar situation so, good luck.
     
  13. Incidentally...

    Things happen so fast.

    In case I haven't mentioned it, one of the many reasons we are so close is that we have very deep talks about EVERYTHING. And this isn't at all a gay issue, but one of the many things about Maribeth is that she has (slight detail) extreme suicidal tendencies. That is, she did. And her mother and psychiatrist know about her mental instabilities (they are far and wide, part of her), and she was getting better....hadn't given me some sort of gruesome detail or weird hint since February...

    Last night she called and completely freaked me out (out of the BLUE) and I realized it was the last straw. I am strong and I have always been with her, but she simply asked me to do to much - not to tell anyone about her serious plans to go through with it, etc. And I realized I cannot do this anymore, even though it's rare outbursts like this. I can't be responsible for keeping her confidence when her physical safety is in grave danger, so I suppose...I had to betray her this time. I had to tell her mom.

    It's complicated. Needless to say I'm not longer thinking of a romantic relationship.
     

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