This is hard... I dont know if anyone is actually going to read or care about this but here goes... I dont know where else to turn. OK so the lady and I have been together like almost 5 years now??? wow. i'm 29 she's 28. I'm not like miserable, but i'm not happy. i'm stuck in that comfortable place wondering if there's more out there. emotionally, she's detatched. when i try to talk to her about our relationship, probably once a year or so she shuts down and gets upset and says "i dont know". she's like a really awesome roommate. i dont feel like she has the passion for life that i have, i feel like i can't continue to grow. physically... she doesn't have much of a libido... i'm pretty sure she recently went through 2 menstrual cycles without having sex. a weird way to gauge it sure, but its not like i'm keeping a sex diary. anyway, for a late 20's couple to go over a month without sex, that's kind of sad right? i'd say on average we have sex like once every week or two. probably more like two. i read somewhere, that the thing men find most sexy, is enthusiasm. which she does not have. she only lets me have sex on top in the missionary position, or in the showerm, she doesn't get down on oral, giving or receiving, both of which i absolutely love, anal isn't even a remote possibility, which you know, i can live with that... we dont really fight, but i'm just not sure. we have an amazing dog which makes it extra hard as well. not to mention that we live together. maybe i just need the courage to break it off, maybe i just need the strength to work on it. but if anyone has gone through anything like this PLEASE give me some feedback. i don't have ANYONE to talke to! whew!! that felt good, thank you if you actually read that rant. ~jake
I hope that didnt make me sound egocentric or sexually obsessed, its not just about that, i realize alot of my rant is about sex but her complacency in life and inability or lack of desire to grow is an enormous part. i feel depressed and stuck.
If your relationship isn't working for either one of you then it's time to think about what's next. If she is someone that you don't think you can live without then you need to work on it together. If you can see yourself being happier without her then it's time to break it off. Life is to short to be unhappy. Do you think her lack of enthusiasm is just her personality our do you think it's something more, like depression? Has she always been that way or is it a new behavior. These are things only you would know. Life isn't about finding that one person you can live with. It's about finding the person you can't imagine living without. Can you live without her?
If you're in your 5th year of the relationship, and you're still unsure whether she is the one...she's not the one. I believe you know when you're with the one. Once you've found them, there will be an uncompromising level of commitment you're willing to put forth.
I think that the best thing to do would be to have a very uncomfortable conversation and tell her exactly how you're feeling, and give her an opportunity to respond. If things don't change in a month or two and you're still feeling the same way, unfortunately that probably means it's time to go your separate ways.
The Clash was defnintely in my head when writing the subject line . I don't know, she was a little different when we first got together... Definitely more sexually outgoing and active... I don't know if she's depressed. I KNOW I am, at least slightly some of the time, but I have a desire to fix it. If she's depressed she sure seems to be okay with it. She seems complacent. Overly comfortable. Like and old married couple. But I'm not ready to be comfortable, I have too much passion for life! Its weird when you're unhappy and the other person seems like absolutely nothing's wrong. Why am I so unhappy while she doesn't care? Living together sure complicates things as well.. If i break it off, do i wait until the end of my lease? There's no way this isn't going to be uncomfortable is there? I mean I could go on just being roommates, but how is she going to react? She's certainly less forgiving, able to let go than i am. Thank you so much for responding to my whining... It's awesome that there are people like you all out there who will listen and talk, when the ones closest to us are unable/unwilling to do so...
I would go. Breaking up because you're just not happy and the future together seems a bit bleak and uninspiring is hard, especially after so many years. I know, I was just there. You think you need a better reason because "relationships are work" right? I finally just had to tell myself I was allowed to leave the relationship. We're allowed to do that.
But that's the issue, isn't it? He clearly wants to work on it together ... but she won't even discuss the relationship. And together takes two.
Live life man. Tell her exactly how you feel and if she's not willing to work at it then get the hell out of there before she gets preggo.
Got to agree with this! If only I new this before I spent 16 years with the one that was not the right one. OP it isn't going to do either of you any good for you to stay in a relationship that is bringing you down. The sex will also never get any better so if a healthy sex life is an important thing to you and not her you will never be happy. That doesn't make you a bad person. It is okay to want that with the person you are with.
I'm going to take an unconventional route about your issue with your lady. There is something more that is keeping you there besides comfort. Look deep in yourself... do you love her? Who was this girl who you fell in love with enough to live with her? Do you remember her? More importantly how is your communication between each other? Can you both talk openly and honestly about issues together? Communication is key in a relationship and in the beginning everything is fun and great. However as the years pass greater communication is needed to weather the storms. Relationships are going to have their ups and downs what you now have to determine is if this is just one of those downs or if it's repairable. Maybe just take a break away from each other. You don't even have to break up maybe just move out of the apartment. Distance can work wonders on a relationship because you soon realize what you both had. If you don't then the relationship was at it's end. Honestly I think you need to sit down with her and see what she is feeling about the relationship.
Talk to her and see if she's willing to work on shit with you. If not, leave. A couple has to be compatible sexually too. It's one of the biggest things when you're looking for a long term serious relationship. There's a reason we have sex counselors and shit.
My first marriage was just like that.. complete with the wonderful dogs. We actually had a menagerie... horse, cat, 3 dogs etc. It was my first serious relationship and we ended up getting married despite the fact I never asked her. Basically I was passive in that relationship until I got into my early 30's and thought 'Is this it?'. There was no passion or romance from her. She was comfortable with that. I had the hard conversation a few times and it would improve for a week, maybe two. Then back to the old routine. Lots of nothing unless I initiated, and even then it was as if I was suppose to be appreciative because she was doing me a favour... despite her being multi-orgasmic all the time. At the end of the day, I got tired of driving the bus. If I didn't make it happen, nothing happened. Once I was out the door, it was easy and very apparent to me that it wasn't right staying there. Yes, the pet thing was hard. We lived on acreage, so she kept the animals... but that was the hard part. By the time I left, there was nothing left in the relationship to miss.
Try counseling for couples dude. Good counseling opens up avenues of communication. That's what it is really about...you love oral, she doesn't...you're wanting to grow, she doesn't...helps with broaching those topics so you both are clearly understood. From there a lot of "reasons" come to the surface so you can at least understand why she doesn't like oral, why she's not motivated (and vice versa). Leaving is a cop out, IF you love her. Make every attempt so that if and when you need to walk away you can hold your head up high and not carry that baggage into your next relationship.
