Should I seek guardianship?

Ok, I'm sorry for the length, but I don't know how else to process this. This also has not been confirmed, so it may all be a non-issue. But...

BACKGROUND:

My SIL (husband's sister) is human scum. I don't want to get into how much I hate her, but I'll just say she's a qualified sociopath, and I don't use that term lightly. I mean I literally don't believe she has the ability to empathize with anyone, as there's no other explanation for how she can sleep at night.

She has 2 kids. They are both being raised by my husbands parents. They have legally adopted the oldest and have permanent custody of the youngest. With kid #1, she was living at home when she had him, but would go out partying, doing drugs, would take the baby to drug dealers houses, brought an armed drug dealer home to her parents house, and my MIL was doing all of the actual childcare. Baby daddy #1 went to prison for 4 years when the oldest was 1 for grand theft auto after he threw a guy out of his car and stole it to pursue SIL after she drove off in their car while they were fighting. He beat her up several times, including while she was pregnant.

My in-laws finally told SIL that if she didn't sign her rights away they were going to charge her with child abandonment, so she signed.

Then she gets pregnant with kid #2 (different daddy). I met my husband at this point, so this is where I came into the picture. We'd been together a few months when she gave birth, and the baby was immediately sent to NICU. It turns out he had a severe heart defect (tetralogy of Fallot with pulmonary atresia). He had to have open heart surgery a few days after birth, was given a Mickey button (a hole in his stomach he was fed through, had to be on a feeding pump) and didn't leave the hospital until he was 2 months old.

SIL and baby daddy #2 had an apartment somewhere at this point, and being that it was a different kid, the state allowed her to take him home despite her history. So 2 weeks after taking him home, my MIL goes out with SIL and notices the baby doesn't look right. He is listless, his lips are chapped, and his fontanel is sunken in. She freaks and finally convinces my SIL (who's in denial anything is wrong) to take him to the ER. Turns out he is severely dehydrated (which is extra-bad for a cardiac baby) and ends up in the ICU. The doctors said if it had been 12 more hours it would've been a homicide investigation.

He is released back to her (don't get me started), and wouldn't you know it, 3 days later she drops him back off at the ER with the SAME issue, only this time she actually leaves him at the ER because she has "somewhere" she has to go. He ends up back in the ICU with more dehydration.

At this point DCS gets involved, launch a formal investigation, and she is arrested and charged with felony child abuse (maddeningly, the charges were dropped a year later due to "lack of evidence" even though every single one of his doctors offered to testify. She claimed something was wrong with the feeding pump, which I know is bullshit because I'm an RN and work with those machines all the time--they beep like crazy if it's not running in right).

So when the baby leaves the hospital the last time, they ask my MIL if she'll take him and of course she says yes. He's 3 months old at this point. He had a second open heart surgery at 5 months, and is now almost 3 and is scheduled to have his 3rd open heart surgery in March. He's got some physical delays but all things considered is doing remarkably well.

My inlaws got permanent custody of him, and would adopt him except for the fact that my SIL isn't signing her rights away because that would require putting her child's needs above her own, which of course she would never do.

Baby daddy #2 is actually not someone I consider evil. I question his judgment, and don't think he's very bright, but he has a job and walks 2 miles to work because they lost their car, and until SIL came into his life, he had joint custody of his other son from a previous relationship. They're still on again off again, although I have no idea why he's still with her. She's beat him up before, they've been kicked out of motels/apartments with their fighting, and after the fiasco with kid #2, he wasn't allowed to see his other son because she couldn't be around kids, and he chose to stay with her and not see his other kid (which is why I question his judgment). He also had the opportunity to get custody of kid #2, but from what I understand, wouldn't take the required drug test (he's a pothead, and has DUIs/weed charges in his history, but as far as I know isn't doing other drugs)

Either way, they're broke as shit, lived in 7 different apartments in 1 year, and now just go from seedy motel to seedy motel. I have no idea where they're staying now or if they're still officially together.

CURRENT ISSUE:

So, my husband and I live in the next state over, a 7 hr drive away. We like it this way and do not want to move. I have a full time job as an RN and he's in grad school. We have no kids yet, but have always talked about having some.

Christmas morning, I check FB on my phone. Sometimes my FB feed on my phone won't load right and will load old things that have already been deleted. I was scrolling through and noticed a post on my SIL wall (we're FB friends only for stalking purposes, I never talk to her so she's never bothered to delete me, and I'm the only family member who can see what she posts) I knew something was up because she had re-friended my MIL and was kissing major ass about what an awesome mom she has, and she only does that when she's about to ask them for a huge favor. (My MIL can't stand her, but is also very co-dependent, and is required to allow her visitation with the youngest 4hrs a week).

So I see this picture of her hand with a ring on it, I click on it and it says "Christmas miracles do happen! PACKage #2 coming Summer 2014!!" (Pack is Baby Daddy #2's last name) A cold chill ran down my spine and I started crying. I went to read it again, but this time my feed updated and I saw it had been deleted. I think she remembered she had re-friended my MIL and didn't want her to know yet. But i know what I saw, and don't know how else to interpret that as anything other than the bitch is pregnant again.

It was only a matter of time, as she doesn't use birth control because that would require a conscience, but it's still upsetting. She was arrested twice this year, once for public intoxication and the other for prostitution and filing a false police report (she was hooking this guy in her motel and when he didn't pay up claimed rape). So, if she is pregnant again, who knows who the real father is.

But, either way, assuming she is in fact pregnant, there is no way she's going to magically be responsible. She has a history of drug use--oxycontin, xanax, alcohol mostly, and later admitted that she had drank, smoked, and done Xanax throughout her pregnancy with kid #2 (benzo use during pregnancy has been linked to the particular heart condition he has, so as far as we're concerned she caused him to be born with that).

My husband told his mom about what I saw, and she didn't sound surprised, but hadn't heard anything about it from SIL. She did say "I can't do anymore babies." And I believe her--they live in a 3 bedroom house, my husbands brother also lives with them, so there's straight no room in that house for another bed, the crib would have to go in the living room. My in-laws are also Category 3 hoarders. I mean, they're utilities haven't been cut off, and there's not poop or bugs crawling everywhere, but everything else--toys, clothes, junk, is piled throughout the house. There are pathways to get around. It's total chaos.

As much as I appreciate what my in-laws have done for the boys, it's not the greatest place. She smokes like a chimney (in the garage, not around the kids) and has COPD. She has no energy, rarely eats, and my FIL works 60rs a week as a truck driver, so she's basically on her own. The kids have at least 6hrs of screen time a day between the TV and the computer, they fall asleep in front of the TV, usually in the living room floor. They eat whatever they want, there's no schedule, and barely any routine.

For those of you wondering, the state will let you keep every new baby you have even if all your other kids have been taken away, provided no new issues come up. Well, I have every intention of calling the hospital when she goes into labor, letting them know of the situation and having them test the baby's meconium to prove she's been taking drugs. And even if that doesn't work, she's not going to have stable housing and there's no way she's going to take care of a baby, especially not a newborn. It's only a matter of time, but it terrifies me to think of what could happen if they can't prove anything and she's allowed to take it home.

So, as far as I see it, if she does in fact have another baby this summer, there are 3 possible scenarios: My in-laws (possible, but not likely and not the greatest option) my husband and I seek guardianship (complicated, as we are out of state, and my husband and I are not at an ideal place to have a kid right now) or foster care.

It's the last option that terrifies me and gets me choked up. I have always wanted a large family, but recently, after several difficult babysitting experiences, I realize I'm not ready and can wait a few more years. I have a very low energy level, and when I'm tired I get mean and cranky. My husband has always said he wanted kids, but being that he's in grad school with only a part time job, he really doesn't want one now.

All this being said, I know that I could never sleep at night knowing there was a child in my family out there in foster care. I just couldn't live with it. I know it will be incredibly difficult, but I don't know what else to do.

I realize this may seem premature, but I'm trying to wrap my head around this now so that if it does happen, i've had a chance to mentally prepare.

One issue I worry about is my husband and I don't have the most solid marital history. He has bipolar disorder, and while he's been 90% better since starting grad school, for a while he had a breakdown, was suicidal, he has rage issues, and while he's not violent and has never threatened me or anyone else, he's thrown shit and broken furniture when he's on a rampage. Mostly he just yells and says terrible things. He's been verbally and emotionally abusive at times. It's one of the reasons I had decided kids could wait a few more years.

It's mostly when he's stressed out, and kids are extremely stressful. He also has a ton of rage towards his sister, and I worry about his ability to compartmentalize and not have resentment towards a kid of hers. When we've visited his nephews, he'll just get frustrated and leave for a bit to cool off because he feels like "This shouldn't be happening, my parents shouldn't have to deal with this." Which is true, but I'm there changing diapers like "Well, let's deal with what's in front of us and worry about the back story later." He's too far from the forest to deal with the trees I guess.

We don't fight near as often as we used to, but when we do it's nasty. We both say terrible things. I feel like I would be able to censor myself around a kid, but I know that if my husband has to drop out of grad school (I don't think he would have to, as I have a full time job and we would figure something out for childcare, but he's very much a black-and-white thinker, and may end up doing it anyway thinking he has to support us) then the fighting might get bad again.

Or we might pull it together, I don't know. I know that *I* would do everything in my power to pull it together for the sake of a kid, but I worry about my marriage and the environment that would create for the kid...but then again, I know we wouldn't beat or starve the kid, and we would love them, and that has to be better than foster care, where you have no idea what kind of caregivers the kid would end up with and there's no stability.

This whole situation is just so fucked up and far from ideal, and I want to help (the kids, not her) but don't even know how or where to start. I really hate to sit back and watch my in-laws take another baby in, especially with all the health problems the younger one has. There's just so much anger and rage and dysfunction in all levels in my husbands family (I understand why he turned out the way he did) I just want to take this baby as soon as it's born and run away with it. But parenting is hard as it is, and I would be a first-time parent to a kid who's most definitely going to need therapy at some point right off the bat. Not to mention all the court fees, lawyer fees...my husband and I have shitty credit as it is. I work night shift and don't know how I would handle a baby with that, with my already-low energy levels.

I don't really know what I'm looking for here, I guess I just needed to vent. I think my greatest fear is taking the kid in and my husband has another breakdown and I start to think foster care would've been better for them. There's still so many unknowns, and it's driving me crazy, because unlike a pregnancy of my own, I have no control here. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself now so I don't go from "I'm not having kids for another few years" to "I have a baby" in just 1 or 2 months.

Trying to figure out the "best interests of the child" in this case just seems impossible. Still, I'd like to get some objective thoughts on this, as I tend to be purely emotional in my decision making. Thanks for reading my novel, lol.

 

wow, that's pretty fucked up. sorry that this is happening.

you might want to check into the legal issues with this. can a hospital do this kind of test just on the suspicion of an in law? and ideally, the time to intervene is before she damages her kid while pregnant.

talking to someone with background in child protection services sounds like a good idea. foster care is often bad for kids, so it's a matter of which is more likely to be damaging.

it sounds like you are saying that it would be a bad idea for you to adopt this child (assuming that she does have another child).

sounds like it would be a better idea to wait until your situation is more stable and you're ready for a child, especially a child that is probably going to have significant health issues.

 

That is a lot of weight to be carrying on your shoulders. While I understand your desire to help, taking on your SIL's child may not be in your family's best interest. If you and your husband already have your plates full (and it sounds like you do, especially since he is in grad school, you don't always get along, and you work full time as an RN, etc) and he cannot stand his sister, adding to it may only make things worse.

It is sickening that your SIL is (potentially) having another baby that she isn't likely to take care of, but there isn't much you can do about it. Chances are if you call the hospital when she is in labor (if you even know when it happens) HIPPA laws will protect her. (Meaning the hospital cannot tell you anything.) However, many hospitals are now testing babies for maternal drug use (especially in suspected cases) so you could call and ask what their policy is if that would help. (My NIL got caught that way when she had her baby, and the state stepped in before she even had the chance to hold her child. She has since gotten clean and regained custody after years of legal battles. Anyway.) If she is giving birth in the same hospital baby #2 was born and/or hospitalized in, they likely know about her already.

I realize you want to help, and in your position I would likely feel the same way, however you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband about the situation. Is taking in his sister's child worth your marriage? Is it worth putting up with the SIL for visitations? If you would even be allowed to take in the child to begin with, that is. You are potentially risking your own marriage and future family to help out her child, and as noble as that may be, is it worth it? I know how easy it is to say yes as an emotional response, but think about the reality of what it would be like, and answer from your head, not your heart.

Foster care may not be the best option, however adoption would likely be very different. If it were even an option. The child's father may not want to give up his rights. He may be capable of raising the child (or more competent that she is), perhaps you should arrange to talk to him. Perhaps he has family that would be willing to help. It may be an option worth exploring.

If you are determined to help the baby and your husband agrees, do you and your husband a favor and go for full custody. (It can be costly, so make sure to check into it. If your husband is in grad school he may be able to get legal help at a reduced cost if his college offers legal services) Don't stop at guardianship, and allow her visitation etc. If you want to help the child, raise him/her like your own and keep the mother out of his/her life as much as possible. (I normally wouldn't suggest keeping a child from their biological parent, but there are times it is in the best interest of the child to do so).

If you AND your husband cannot commit to raising the child as your own, then rethink your options. It wouldn't be fair to the child to be raised out of pity. Love him/her like you would your own, or find someone else who will. The child deserves to be raised with love, compassion and kindness, not purely out of guilt and obligation. I realize you may not want someone outside of the family raising the child, but this is when you need to think logically, and put your emotions on hold. I know, it's hard. I've been there. Your heart truly is in the right place, but is your head?

You may be able to talk to the caseworker(s) that handled the other two kids, and let them know your SIL is (potentially) expecting again and you are concerned about the child's safety...and let them deal with it. (Your in laws should know who that person is.) I am not sure if it would help much, but you are likely to get further with them than with the hospital.

I know it is hard, but this is your life, your husband's life, your marriage, and so much more. Don't let your SIL's poor life decision destroy something you have worked hard far, and have made plans for your future. It may feel like the right thing to do right now, but will it still feel that way years down the road? You and your husband need to work on stabilizing your lives, so that when you finally decide it is time to have children you are both ready for it. (I speak from being a mom and wife for over 25 years, and having dealt with some of my in-laws making poor decisions.) Think VERY long and hard about this decision before you commit to anything. DON'T commit to anything unless your husband is FULLY supportive of the decision. You have time to think about things, use it wisely.

Good luck! If you need to talk, vent or otherwise I am happy to listen.

 

Holy shit, is your husband my long lost brother?

My sister unfortunately sounds like the same exact person. I won't go into it unless you ask me to because it sounds about as in depth as yours.

Luckily, however, my nephews have wonderful foster care and are getting the best care I could possibly wish. That has been an incredible godsend.

There was a point, however where I feel I was in your shoes and the only thing that I knew to do was hunt for a foster family. One I knew, one I trusted, one that desperately wanted children.

That is what I would suggest to you. Because coming from someone who adores children and wants them more than anything, I know for a fact that I could not give them the life that their sweet faces deserved. My husband and I are still finding our way and trying to establish a life. Neither of us are stable enough to take on that kind of responsibility. And I would not want to put them into a life like that.

I am terribly sorry that you have to deal with this. More than anything I wish people like this did not exist. I don't know what happened with my sister because drugs are not involved but it's heartbreaking and beyond frustrating when the innocent ones are the ones hurting the most.

I wish you all the best. Positive energies your way. Please message me if you want to talk more because this story gave me goosebumps I can relate so much. Please don't take on more than you can handle because the battle I've had to witness already is not an easy one.


<3 Bunnie

 

Thank you all for your replies. It turns out I was wrong when I first wrote this post. She wasn't pregnant...then.

But guess what?? Hubs and I just found out last week that now, she is in fact pregnant. Due in Dec.

I am dead set on taking in this baby, as my FIL is dead set on not taking anymore kids. Now I'm worried about my husband. We found this out on Tuesday and he went out to visit them on Friday. He was supposed to come back tomorrow but instead he's on his way home now because he just "can't deal with it."

Apparently SIL called his mom and told her they didn't have any food and could they order them a pizza and have it delivered to their motel room (seriously...) Instead, MIL packs a box of food and takes it over to them, because she's the queen of codependency and needs to be kidnapped and taken to the Betty Ford clinic. As if that weren't bad enough, DH found out from his dad that in addition to food, MIL was bringing her a pack of Black and Milds. Yes, let's buy and deliver a pregnant woman cigarettes.

DH lost it at that point and started yelling at his dad and ultimately left without saying goodbye to his mom. Honestly, I'm kind of pissed at her too now. I knew SIL was going to use this pregnancy to manipulate the shit out of her, but it takes 2 to tango, and MIL went right along with it.

DH was initially opposed to taking this baby, then after a few hours he warmed up to it. He went out there with the intention of finding more info about the process, but got so overwhelmed by all the ongoing dysfunction in that house he had to leave. He's now saying he wants nothing to do with it, that he's washed his hands of it. I realize he's talked like this before after going out there for visits, but I worry that even if he agrees to the guardianship, he's not going to be able to divorce his rage towards his sister from the baby. I should mention he is very good with his nephews, and has never taken his anger towards his sister out on them, but he also doesn't live with them day in and day out.

I'm so frustrated with every single person in this situation, except the kids. I realize I have to be understanding of DH's anger, but I don't know how I'm going to deal with it if that ends up being the only thing standing between me and this baby. At the same time, I don't want him to say yes out of guilt. GAHHHHWDNSINFDFSFDLINGFLDn!!!!!!!!!

That's how I feel, lol.

I should also mention that DH and I recently had a breakthrough in our marriage, and for the first time I actually have hope. Of course, we're still in a fragile state, and a baby would throw off any equilibrium. But we're starting marriage counseling in the next week or so, so....idk. This just sucks all around. Thanks for letting me vent guys.

 

Ugh. I've sent you two messages, strawberry fields. I can't tell if they're going through. Please let me know.


<3 Bunnie

 

If you really love your sister you would seek involuntary psychiatric commitment to a Rehab for your sister. There she could receive counseling, Therapy, and medicine for her addictions.

I personally Have spent 10 years in and out of Psy Rehabs and I will tell if you enter those places and Don't grow from those experiences your a living a delusional life style.

Sometimes in life you need to Man up and Lady up with yourself and admit you have an addiction that is harming you, your children and your family.

Do the correct thing and seek Guardian-ship and let the Social Workers, Therapists, Nurses, Doctors, (You) and most importantly your (sister) learn how harmoniously cope with each other.

 

The problem with this is if her sister in law is willing.

As I said previously, I can relate on almost an eerie level as I have witnessed my sister doing the same thing. I've, for years, tried to take that roll of her sister by the horns and really guide her. Not in an aggressive way, simply a passionate and protective way. I've gotten through on some of her issues but her pride is what keeps her from seeking help. She knows she has issues but is too self centered to face them and get through them. She likes her life as it is. Regardless of what she's doing to the children. She doesn't see it because she is soley concerned about victimizing herself. Talking about it seriously with someone would mean she would have to get over it and move forward. Some people are just so content in their selfishness that moving forward simply does not interest them.

Then they would be a normal person and not the center of everyone's radar.


<3 Bunnie

 

I was very,very,very angry when my 32 year old brother committed me to psy ward for 45 days in 2014.

But I realized their was co-dependency relationship I had with psy staff and family that I had to resolve.

When I was locked up a psy ward I created my own bible group to keep my self from bursting into a furious rage.

I befriended the Chaplain and CSS

They helped me realize I needed to Man up in my life and find a way out of my mess.

So I did.

It was not easy since I am now full 100% austisic, schizo , physically handicapped but I managed to enroll my self into a major univeristy.

Starting June 18th I am starting my first semester as student.

I wish I didn't have to turn negative life interactions into positives life interactions.

But it worked...

 

Hope everything is going well and in progress for you, Strawberry fields. Send me a message whenever you can.

As far as my nephews go, they are terminating her rights today and their current guardian will be adopting them. As far as the new baby, we have no idea what will happen.

Last week she was moving closer to Nashville and in with her boyfriend (apparently the babies father) but apparently they broke up the other day. And not only did she have another date last night, it was with a man she's never met and she was already talking about moving in with him because "he has money" and can "take care of" her and the baby.

Because of course you always believe what everyone online says....


I just really want to shake her hard and I fear for this babies safety, but there's nothing I can do as long as SHE isn't telling me anything, otherwise my nephew's guardian could get into legal trouble. :/