Should I go see my mother?

This is a very long post. There is something hurting me inside and I need to let it out somewhat. I'm doing it here. I'll be talking about my mother and I can't say bad things about my mother to people I know. I just can't.

I'm expected to go visit my parents in another country, an ocean away, come April. I'd spend two weeks there.

I'm struggling with the idea. My mother makes me very sick. I've been with her last summer and she almost killed me with stress. I'm still physically ill because of the time we've spent together. I have ulcers and I'm so stressed, I've been on the verge of breaking down. I've also contemplated suicide, because the stress was too much to bear at times.

I've been to the doctor to look for help and I'm taking medication for my ulcers. The doctor told me I'm depressed, but I think I'm not. I've had clinical depression before and what I feel now is very different. I'm stressed, not depressed.

I'm in such state, anything out of the ordinary, like a simple appointment that isn't on my normal schedule makes me worry, sick to my stomach, with anxiety attacks. My mental situation has improved since July/August, but I'm still very fragile.

My mother suffered a lot as a child and she's never really developed into an adult. She suffers from very low self-esteem and she lies a lot. We never know what she thinks, what she wants, what she does. She doesn't have that thing mothers normally do, like protecting her children. She loves us, no doubt of that, but she's never hesitated to use us. Use us. And she doesn't realize.

When I was a child, she has used me many times as a messenger to my father. She'd also get drunk every weekend and come to me, sick, throwing up, crying, asking me to take care of her, accusing me of loving my father more than I loved her and asking me to go talk to him... lots of stuff. They drunk a lot and my mother would lose it under the influence. My father would just go to sleep.

She also had problems with her other children and has used me as a bridge to them. My family is very dysfunctional: lots of half-brothers, suicide, egoism, physical violence, alcohol abuse... the works. She'd often cry and come to me and one of my half brothers (who now is clinically depressed, and I think she counts a lot for his misery) and use us, ask us to intervene with my father and her other sons... it's complicated.

So, we have a lot of history.

Only last summer, I realized she was really making me sick. I always kind of pitied her too much to seriously blame her with anything. But last summer, I allowed myself to visit places in my mind I often can't and I've found out I deeply resent her and the kind of mental abuse she puts us through, one of my half brothers and I.

As far as I can remember, she has been using me to send messages to my father. And I'm talking really asking me "tell your father you want ..." when that was something she wanted, not me. It was often related to problems my half-brothers would create and we had to cover up, so my father wouldn't know and punish them.

Punishment from my father was always very hard, like sending us out of the house to sleep outside, as well as physical beating. I've lived in terror for as long back as I remember, and my half brothers more so.

When I'm with my mother, she'll often cry. Even beautiful moments, she'll start to cry and say things like "I'm so unhappy... I'll be home alone, in a few weeks, remembering how we were happy today and I'll be crying alone" and stuff like that. She's the ultimate victim. Also, she messes up with things, but never takes responsibility. She's really like a child, irresponsible. She'll tell me lies and I'll go into a lot of trouble because of the lie. She won't tell me the truth and save me my time and pain. When I finally realize it was all a lie, she'll accuse me of "you only believe your father, because you love him more than you love me." She has never admitted a lie.

To give you an idea, once she was telling my brother and his family she was planing on becoming pregnant of a boyfriend, who wanted a child, but she had forgotten she had undergone a hysterectomy. She never admitted this lie. In her mind, we're all against her.

Now, my doctor told me to avoid her, that I'm too vulnerable, too mentally fragile to see her. But I'm feeling guilty. She's 68 years old and she is alone. My father left the house about 20 years ago. I know she loves me. And I love her. It's just that I don't know if I can survive the stress of being with her again, listening to her lies, her constant crying and her victimization.

But she's 68 and alone. She's given me my life.

If she wasn't my mother, I would never wanna see her again.

When my father left her, she talked of vengeance for about 15 years. Whenever we talked, she'd cry, she'd say things like she wished he was dead, she wished he'd have cancer, this kind of thing. When I'm there and I go to visit my father, which I do on a daily basis, she makes me feel guilty. When I come back home (her place) from a visit to my father's, she's often crying.

In my mind, all is very confused. I love her, I know she loves me... I feel I have to love her, because she's my mother...

I try to avoid conflict, but she pushes, pushes, she pokes my wounds...

I think I'm getting at something even my psychiatrist couldn't get to when I was seeing one (clinical depression). I'm not there yet, but I feel I'm close, very close.

I'm a happy person, but when I think of my mother, or talk to her, it hits me very hard.

 

Never mind what's wrong with whatever.

She's your Mother. Go and see her. Don't dwell on the past.

Hold her while you still can.

 

^yes to what he said

but i would also add stay in a hotel...dont stay in her home...that way you have a place to escape to

give her some rules to follow when you visit...and leave if she breaks them

then go back and visit the next day

 

biological, dont mean shit these days.. go to the local senior center and adopt a new mom.

 

^This.

It's like being able to go home from work. :2thumbsup:

 

I think that you should tell her that seeing her is very stressful to you. Maybe you could go to family therapy together. I wouldn't see her in a context other than with a therapist till you work things out.

 

I would listen to your doctor but I think you need to do something. Contact her and see if you can get a therapist or go to therapy or counseling together. If you get to a point where things get better and you feel stronger then you can see her. But I understand where you're coming from, sometimes family isn't the best influence on your health. Take care of yourself first.

 

Thank you all for replying.

I can't go there and stay at a hotel. She wouldn't allow me that. With my mother, if I try to do things like setting boundaries and the like, she starts to cry, says all the hurtful things, victimizes herself, then closes into a hurt ball till I give in.

I also can't attend therapy with her. She doesn't admit there is anything wrong, also, I live about 10000 km from her.

I think I'll go, stay with her as I always do, and just count the days. If I go, it's all on, as usual. The only option is not going. I can't go there, stir problem with her by trying to stay at a hotel, by trying to set boundaries, then, two weeks later leave and let her all messed up alone. I think the best option is just to pretend there is no problem, if I do go.

I know people often think all it takes to solve problems is talking. It isn't as if we have never tried talking to her. On the contrary. We've tried a lot. She goes into a defensive state, there is nothing that takes her off it, till we just give in, change the subject and pretend those conversations never took place. She has already literally disappeared without warning, for several days, leaving us sick with worries, when we tried to talk to her. She never, ever faces the issues and admits there is something wrong. If she did, we could start something. But she doesn't.

Therapy, I've many times told her to see someone, a psychiatrist. When I see one myself, I tell her, kind of trying to say it is OK to look for help. She doesn't adhere to the idea, even though she tells my brother who's depressed to go see a therapist. It is good for us, but since she "doesn't have a problem" (that's what she's convinced of), she doesn't need it.

With the story she was telling she would get pregnant (even though she had done a hysterectomy, as if we didn't know she had), we tried to show her that that isn't normal behavior, to lie like this. And I'm giving this one as an example, but there are plenty. She goes into a "hurt state", closes herself, tells me I'm only saying this, because I love my father more than I love her, etc, etc, victimization, not facing issues, etc, etc. She doesn't admit she ever told that to people.

She was telling us, how she runs a marathon in 1 hour on a daily basis! And I've tried to tell her it is impossible, and she starts again, saying I don't believe her, because I love my father more than I love her!

It's always these stories. Full of stories, every time she opens her mouth. She already made me spend like 5000 dollars because of a lie, then, when I found out it was a lie, instead of admitting it, she comes with the usual "you think I lie, but you only don't believe me, because you love your father more than you love me..."
Mind you, it isn't the money. I have money and so does she. It is the lie, the fact lies have consequences and that I'm so tired of it, I'm physically sick.

I've asked her not to lie, and she goes into her "I'm hurt" state.

I'm writing all of this, because I know talking about stuff that are hurting us is a good thing.

I know we all have problems and it's enough to go a few threads down, or up, to see there are other forum members with much greater problems than mine. I feel guilty for being here, complaining. I was just opening my heart. My problem is so easy to solve: I go there, pretend everything is fine for two weeks, then come back home, far from it all.

 

Sunshine, You Are 44 Years Of Age, And Your Momma Still Rules

Your Life..................Time For A Reality Check Methinks....???



Cheers Glen.

 

Oooh boy.

I wanted to help you with some good advice so I looked up 'how to deal with chronic liars' on Yahoo. What I found out about it was scary.

I won't even link you to the few pages I read about it because it was all so different I'm not sure now what you should (or could) do about her problem.

But I am sure she would love to see you.

Don't let it eat you up inside. Try to look past the lies and see her as a person who just has a big problem that you might not be able to fix. And try to have a pleasant visit with her.

Good luck, to both of you.

 

Sounds more like you are the one being victimized here.

OK so she's your mother and all, but at some point you've got to look out for yourself.

 

I have a toxic sister and I just stay away from her.

My first thought when I read this thread was to recommend that you just not go. Now I am wondering if your Mom is developing some form of dementia. You might want to read up on that topic to see if it fits your situation. I don't mean to scare you about this but dementia's like Alzheimer's can actually begin 20 years before the condition is diagnosed. Many people with dementia live in a "me" world and are in denial that they have any problems at all.

Best wishes on whatever you choose to do. Remember to take care of yourself.

 

Your mother may refuse to go to therapy, but you can also refuse to see her unless she does.

You live far apart, but it's possible to see a therapist together when you visit

 

She is manipulating your emotions and feeding off of you. It is not your responsibility to tend to her. It was hers to tend to you. Sometimes the family we have can be so unhealthy and bad for us that it is ok to cut them out. You have the right and don't let her manipulate you into thinking otherwise.

I finally told my father he was fired as my dad. He was abusive and manipulative too. I always felt like it was my job to reach out and repair the relationship because after all he was my dad. Wrong, he only used my thinking to abuse me further as an adult. It takes strength to cut them loose but you have to look them fuckers in the eye and tell them they are rotten motherfuckers and don't deserve shit from you and it's fucking done and if they don't like then cry me a fucking river.

Sounds shitty but it really healed me. You won't get closure from someone who can't stop manipulating you so your only option is to take that fucking shit and let them lay in the bed they made.

 

my mother is 68 never leaves the kitchen, speaks shit out her mouth all day, I have the cops here to control her least once a week, shes violent, suicidal, hostile, possessive of things that are not hers, like a child..

 

I wouldn't visit her. Now perhaps I sound entitled or insensible and harsh, but I honestly think your doc is right. Trust your instincts on this one. You are not ready if you don't feel like it. After reading your post meeting her seems a recipe for disaster.

Avoid such pointless traumatizing experience. Focus on finding your way. I think coming to terms with such history of abuse should be your priority. In this way, maybe the next encounter becomes a turning point in your relationship.

Best wishes.

PS. I'd love to share my story, but I'm also not ready yet.

 

I am so touched by all of you trying to help. Thank you so very much. I can't put it into words just how much it means to me.

Again, I'm 100% conscious there are much worse problems out there and I feel guilty for imposing my thing on you. Having said that, I needed to talk and I'm grateful so many were actually listening.

My husband thinks I shouldn't go. He told me I was completely broken last August, after being with her and that he doesn't think I can take another meeting so soon.

I'll make a reservation for the flight to the country where she lives, but I can delay buying the ticket for a few months. If I'm not feeling stronger by then, I won't go.

I know if I think only on myself and my mental health I shouldn't go. If I hesitate is because I know she's isn't conscious of what she does. She's not responsible, that's what I mean.

It isn't dementia, because she has always been like this. But it is some kind of mental illness. I think it is linked to the many problems she had as a child. She went through a lot.

I'll try to go.

Confrontation with her is pointless, for she doesn't understand it. It just hurts her.

 

I don't think you should go. It doesn't sound like its a healthy environment for you. If visiting her last summer caused that much pain to you then it doesn't sound like its a good idea. Your mom needs help. If she's not willing to get it, then as hard as it is for you, it might be time for you to cut ties. Just because someone is biologically related to you doesn't mean you owe them anything. Your mother is manipulating you and your siblings. That is not ok. I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to someone again also. Have a professional help you work out your feelings towards your mother.

It sounds like you might have the beginning stages of OCD. The anxiety you feel by the change in your routine. When people feel like their lives are starting to spin out of control they become obsessed with things they can control like the normal routine in their daily lives. They think if they can control a small portion of their life everything else will fall into place. It may only get worse. Do yourself a favor and get the help you need to deal with the abuse your mother has put you through. You're worth it and you need to realize that. Don't let your mom make you feel bad about being alone. She has put herself in that position. If she's not willing to get the help she needs for her mental health then you need to choose to not be around it or be her victim anymore.

 

The question to ask yourself is if you do not go to see her, will you regret that.

The answer will point you in the direction you need to go.

 

For Your Consideration:-

Once she's Gone - She'll be Gone, - and then the question will be academic
Seems to me that Preparation is the Key
Do Today, or Perhaps, Regret Tomorrow (?)