Should I Give Up On Looking For "special" Monogamous Relationships?

OK so I'll try (and fail) to make this brief.

So I went to a boys highschool and I remember everyone there was always talking about how they were trying to get girls (something which was usually pretty unsuccessful for awkward catholic kids from a boys school) and making fun of one another for being a virgin/not-virgin/whatever, so I felt very pressured towards the mentality of promiscuity and "game" and thinking of girls as prizes to be won. I think that single-sex schools especially foster a culture of sexual objectification of the opposite sex, but that tendency is generally present in our culture at large.

Anyways, I used to think like that. I rushed to lose my virginity and tried to have sex with as many girls as possible (not vthat many, really) and lowered my standards and did all the other things that come with sexual objectification and the game culture. At one point, though, I met someone who felt a lot more special. I don't know if I loved her or not, but the experience seemed like something unique and it somehow lacked that sense of absurdity that my other "relationships" had had. It seemed like one of the few parts of my life that has not felt like some sort of a joke. All that is to say that I was pretty unwise and the relationship didn't last very long.

For a while after that I tried to return to my old mentality and I went to parties and hit on girls and tried to get drunk with them. I did all of the usual things, but I could no longer seem to take the experience seriously enough to give myself to it and so even if I could awkward myself into getting laid, it just didn't really seem very fulfilling.

Since then I've always searched for special (and generally monogamous) relationships rather than hookups or flings. And I've had a few. I had one that was alright but broke down because we were too busy and I did too many drugs for her liking. I had another one with an especially beautiful and kind girl, but it inevitably ended too. That one I feel kind of bad about. She treated me incredibly well and she was a really good person, but I just felt bored with her somehow. Then I had a few more random hookups and eventually a terrible, passionate and abusive relationship which I've ranted about in depth.

It seems that most of the people I know now are going for less traditional mentalities regarding sex. I have like 1 or 2 friends who are transgender now and a bunch who just came out and the few friends I have who are in monogamous relationships have started side relationships. I still know a few people who are into the 'classic' hookup-oriented sex life; and a lot of my closer friends are starting to be more polyamorous.

I still have that desire to search for some sort of a monogamous (I feel too much jealousy for polyamory) relationship that feels special in some way, but I am starting to think that I might be constraining and repressing myself with that desire. I guess the best idea is just to "do what feels right" but it's hard to identify what feels right without trying things and it's hard to try things without intention and my intention is still to find some sort of monogamous, mutually supportive relationship with a smart girl my age who looks cute and is moderately sexually unrepressed. (I always figured that that essentially described exactly what every straight male wants, but I guess some people legitimately prefer promiscuity, celibacy or polyamory or what have you). Maybe that is a repressively high standard, but I feel that I am too busy to spend time trying to pursue any sort of relationship that isn't going to be worth the time investment. I don't know.

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So that's what I wanted to get out. It's more of a statement than a question, but I guess I could ask some. Am I inhibiting myself by having these sorts of desires? Am I closing myself off? Should I try to get what I feel that I want, or should I try something else and maybe learn that what I feel that I want is not what I actually want. How do you feel in general about all these new approaches to sex/love?

Sociologists seem to think that, in general; males (and maybe females too nowdays)want to be more promiscuous, and restricted sociosexuality like monogamy comes from competition and scarcity in the dating pool (like if you're an engineering student or something), but I think that I actually feel more at home in that kind of relationship -- even though I tend to spend most of my time in an environment with a really high ♂/♀ ratio.

Our sexuality seems to be a strange blend of social factors and personal preference

How do you self-identify? What is your current "socio-sexual orientation"?
(I added a poll, but I'd be interested in hearing whys and whats and also what you think about me and my whys and whats)

 

Monogamy isn't a plague but there's a mentality these days that monogamy is somehow unnatural or illegitimate. It seems to have become nearly a social taboo. You seem very clear and certain for what you want ... monogamy. In other words, love is what you want.

Some people love sex. And what they want is sex. And they want a compatible partner or partners, to have indulgent sex in its multitude of forms.

Lust and love do not mix and so we end up with domestic violence, broken hearts, shattered lives and lost souls.

Some people can thrive in a monogamous life, others cannot. Some people thrive in a more hedonistic life, others cannot.

 

so it's not just me who sees this!

i wouldn't go as far as to say that more open sociosexualities are hedonistic though. The way I see it there are two forms of polyamory:

either you want to have multiple partners in one big relationship, or you want to have multiple long term relationships with multiple people (all of whom know about each other, and some of whom may also have other relationships).

I would say that the former is the true sort of polyamory in the sense that you are trying to have a big relationship where there is love between everyone involved. And I really do think that that is possible, but I don't think I could do it. A multiple people, one relationship polyamorous relationship could maybe be meaningful, but I just don’t have the emotional energy for that kind of thing. That must take a seriously balanced group of people.

The latter is probably closer to standard hookup, friends with benefits, generally promiscuous sociosexuality in practice, but I have met some people who could maintain it to different degrees.

To be honest I am feeling kind of envious of my friend’s situation. He just got out of a pretty long lasting relationship and he has been trying to be polyamorous (or at least he wants to have relationships that are more than just sex with multiple people — multiple small relationships rather than one big relationship with > 2 people) and, though it seems like it is kind of emotionally difficult for him, it also seems like that mentality could be very liberating. But personally, I feel that I couldn’t really be satisfied with that sort of a compromise. I think I could be satisfied being promiscuous (just having multiple FWB situations or hookups), or I could be satisfied having one committed and meaningful relationship, but if I tried to have committed and meaningful relationships with multiple people I feel that they would end up feeling shallow.


I guess what I am trying to figure out for myself, though, is whether I should be just looking for people to hook up with, or looking for some sort of love/commitment. And if I am going to look for a relationship, should I be hooking up with random college students in the meanwhile? Like I would certainly like to have more sex but maybe if I have sex with just anybody then I will end up getting emotionally involved and miss out on a potentially better relationship.

I think all ways of doing this are fine but every mentality towards sex has its own drawbacks. There is literally no perfect answer (other than maybe meeting someone you love and never looking back, but is that really realistic?)

 

Yeah, it's realistic to meet a mutual love and never look back. What's most important to you ... a social life or a personal life? For some people their personal life IS a social life but it seems to me like you have a clear dividing line between the two, you're just struggling to decide where you want your feet to stand. What do you let guide and rule your world? Your heart, your head or your sex drive? Are you looking for a domestic partner, somebody to live with and share life's responsibilities? If you're looking for a serious personal love relationship, I would not recommend casual sexual hook-ups.

 

who voted "other"? How would you describe yourself?

 

Monogamy ftw!!!!!

 

Before I was in a relationship I was sure I wanted promiscuity / polyamory. Now I know that could never work. Maybe in another life, if I had my own place, was a millionaire, had nothing to do but spend money and hookup randomly every night. And even the thought of that is somewhat . . . sad . . . compared to what I have now. A real connection with another human being on multiple levels (sexual, ideological, etc) is priceless. When you really love someone that deeply I don't see how you could be ok with them going off and having "side relationships" unless you are -extremely- secure, both of you, and you have both decided these will always just be "side" relationships.

The thing is, it's also a bit of an apples and oranges question. A lot of people seem to think the question is something like "from where should I get sex?" with possible answers being monogamy, polyamory, etc. But really there are things you get in monogamy that are not ever remotely available in a promiscuous lifestyle. And of course vice versa, though the things you "gain" from a promiscuous lifestyle seem a little trivial or adolescent (freedom "from" feelings? responsibilities?). When you meet someone and you both fall deeply in love with each other the monogamy simply happens by itself IMO, unless you both happen to share a proclivity for random hookups on the side (very rare) or there is dishonesty from one or both partners (a little less rare).

So no, I don't think you're wasting your time, I think you are going about it the right way. You might "go through" a few partners before finding one you want to be steady with, and promiscuity often begets monogamy, though the mental transition is sometimes not survived, and values which should remain in one mode of life migrate into the other, at great cost to both parties.

 

all my relationships have been "special". what does special mean to you? does it mean you are only going to have one soul mate your whole life? thats a recipe for loneliness.

 

I don't have a problem with or a judgement for people who want other things in life than I do. To each, their own. For me....I've went through one tough marriage when I was younger. Honestly, we were both probably too young. I expected a normal, monogamous marriage and she fucked around a lot. I gave her plenty of chances and finally ended it. Now...when I have been single, I've been all about getting laid with whoever I wanted and I even had numerous women who wanted the same thing with no strings attached and they didn't care who else I was fooling around with. I wasn't in a relationship with them. They just thought I was a nice guy who was not dangerous and fun to hang with so if they just wanted some NSA sex....or even if they just wanted to hang out...they would come over. After my divorce, I swore I would never get married again and I was enjoying my life just fine the way it was.

But....my dad always told me "When you know you've found your best friend in the world, marry her!" One woman who I loved to death and never had a fling with....we were great friends and it just worked out between us (I've shared the story in another thread before). I was happy to be monogamous with her forever but I think she was the only one who I could possibly imagine wanting to marry....the only one who could make me forget about swearing to never get married again. So as much as I think it would be fun to have an open marriage (and she knows this....we've talked about it) and as much as we're strong enough to handle it, neither of us really want that. It's just something kind of fun to talk about. That being said, I know that she is a very beautiful woman who gets attention all the time. She knows that I am a musician who gets similar attention. We're both fine with that. That isn't cheating or anything to be jealous of. Shit...go ahead and flirt and have a little fun with it even but....when the lights go out in the bedroom, it's just her and I and we both know that. Sounds like that's what you really want and I see no reason why you won't be able to get that. Don't follow the herd...they might be jumping over a cliff.

 

I am questioning myself a lot. I have left someone who I think I am still in love with and she still really wants me, but our relationship is one of the most damaging relationships I've ever even seen. But somehow I still feel the same way. The temptation is so fucking strong.

It feels a lot like the temptation to do a serious drug that you really really want but you know is going to tear your life apart once you binge on it. But thinking of my love for someone in those terms makes me think that I maybe don't even understand love -- even though I think that I feel it so strongly, maybe it is just attraction. But I've been very attracted to people before and it never felt like this.

 

I think love is different for different people. It's the strongest emotion that we can experience but we experience it at different levels and in different ways. For instance, when my son was about 16 or so he was with a girl who was 18 and surely fucking his brains out but she was also influencing him very negatively. But she was the love of his life and he was sure they would be together for a long time. I tried to tell him that when she graduated she would be gone and all the problems she helped create for him would still be there for him to deal with. Of course, that's exactly what happened and he was crushed. But it would have been a mistake for me to approach it differently and tell him that it was just "puppy love" or that he didn't really know what love was. What he was experiencing was love because it was the strongest emotion he felt for someone at that point in life. But now that he's older he looks back and knows that he can feel a deeper love than that for someone. Your definition of love evolves with your experiences. Some people may say that sex is very important in a loving relationship. Maybe it is to them but I bet there are couples who have been together for 50 years who maybe haven't had sex in a long time and they are deeply in love with each other.

If you don't mind sharing....what is so toxic about that relationship?

 

I was thinking the same when I read Hedge's posts! :cheers2:

I disagree with this, lust and love are not impossible at all to go together. It depends if the lust is focussed on the person you love or not.

Just like one can be both hedonistic and be in a succesful monogamous relationship.

 

Well I kinda think the same thing, but I live in a very very progressive place. I have friends who are very adventurous in some ways but I am more conservative. There is lots of sex and drugs, but, though I am liberal when it comes to drugs, I am more sexually conservative than most people I know. Like I often have these weird experiences showing up at friends' places and feeling like I am interrupting an orgy that is supposed to happen. Feels kinda weird and awkward, but I just try to have poise and composure and laugh it off.

well lots of things. I've written about it in a bunch of threads.
Basically it's this supposedly autistic girl who I find incredibly attractive. She has some sort of insanely high IQ which is really helpful when you need help writing your philosophy papers but it can be really annyoing because she jsut approaches everything with this sort of cold logic that is very hard to refute but that seems incredibly dehumanizing and painful to interface with.

It was basically an abusive and mutually damaging relationship. She is incredibly emotionally unstable and needs constant reassurance/validation (which I am only about average at providing). Every night we would argue will into the night over petty shit, which we would somehow turn deep and important. I only slept for 3-4 hours a day and I spent all my savings on her cigarettes/random crap. I put all my energy into the relationship only to see it completely swallowed up into the blackhole of her insane life. She is often incredibly negative and unstable. She would keep 'punishing' me until I would reexamine myself in whatever light she currently wanted to look at me under, so my identity would get confused and muddled. I lost sight of who I was and I became really timid and unstable and my life really fell apart.

She would scream at me and do really abusive shit, but, ultimately I became the abuser in that relationship. I ended up slapping her an we have not been together since. She was very damaged by it and I feel really bad about it so I try to help her feel better and still take some part in her life but she is still in love with me and I am still in some sort of confused weird love with her. I don't go there because I know it will lead to chaos and torment, but I just really crave her.

In a word, the relationship was intense.

 

I am the happiest I've ever been at thirty one as I've fallen in love for the first time. For me monogomy is the only thing I'm interested in and my boyfriend is the same way. I have lots of friends in open relationships and most of them seem pretty happy in their situations as well although one or two are only doing it to make their partners happy. It comes down to what you really want and finding someone whose desires match up. I had almost given up on finding that with someone but I can tell you it was worth the wait. I hope you find what you really want as well.

 

No way. It is absolutely possible. Just do not stress out about it. Relax it will happen. Just don't give up on what you want. Regardless of what people say here are a lot of people yearning for what you want,

 

monogamously fuck the world?????

 

I voted poly buts really more promiscuous I guess my partner doesn't take other lovers but I on occasions will.

 

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No it’s not just you that sees this. I replied a bit too soon, so sorry for another post. I have met many woman who I thought were special. As you, I drank too much or drugged too much. Being in the Navy for 20 years, I was away too much. I fell in love with 3 woman in my life, including my current partner. Twice I was devastated by that love. Perhaps reading too much into what “we” had.
I use to say, “I always knew love would come to me someday; but what I didn’t know it would be for such a short visit!”
I wallowed in that type of self-pity and self-guessing for many years, gaining a ton of weight and burning out my self-esteem along the way.
I lived the hedonistic life. Three-some’s, four-some’s. You’d be surprised what $20 bucks can get you in some parts of the world. Hedonism in the Caribbean. Sex parties in Eastern Europe.
All along feeling empty and missing something.
It was love.
I wanted to love and be loved.
Nothing wrong with that my friend. You’re a young person according to Ur profile. About 15 years my junior. If had to do it all over again from your point in life. I would date. Put myself out there. Be careful because u sound like a true romantic at heart. Don’t fall in love with everyone you date. Nothing begets attraction from whom and the type of person your heart yearns for is unavailability and mystery. Meaning, what makes this person so interesting that people are so interested in being with Hedgeclipper. Be a good and interesting date. For whatever reason it does make you more attractive to potentials when you are out and about with someone, are interesting and a gentleperson.
It will find you. You sound like a sensitive and loving person. That love will find you. I promise.

RRR