I'm married. We have children. I wasn't very sexually active before marriage, but I did have sex with men and women before marriage. My wife knows I experimented once with another man. She also knows that I watched straight porn and gay porn previous to our marriage. She recently discovered that I continued reading some gay erotica after we moved in together. The last time I watched or read anything pornographic or homosexual in nature was a year and a half ago. She considers that cheating. I have not engaged in any sexual activity with anyone other than my wife since. My real question is should I tell her about other sexual partners I had previous to our marriage. One, in particular may some day come to light, and I live in fear she will learn that I had sex with a male mutual friend many years ago before our marriage. He isn't close to us, and we never see him, but there are other mutual friends who connect him to us, and we are connected to him on facebook. He is gay, and I fear that my wife suspects or will suspect that he and I had sex. And I fear even more that she will somehow find out. I don't like keeping secrets from her, but I don't see any benefit to her or to me or to our marriage to telling her. I am committed to my wife. I won't cheat on her. With anyone. I fear she will find out and it will be worse because I have promised her that the one man she knows about is the only time I tried it.
I think you should have a very calm and peaceful talk with your wife about what's "cheating". Porn is NOT cheating, unless it becomes such a big obsession that you ignore her for it. We all have fantasies and it's very ok , as long as you don't feel the impulse of cheating on her. Also, men often have a higher sexual drive, so it's normal for us to think about sex a little more. You are probably bisexual and you also like to fantasize about men. But what if you were 100% straight and you fantasized about other women? Would that be a problem for her? Regarding your friend and ex-fling, it's up to you. From the little experience I have, I know that being sincere is always the best solution in the long run, even if it hurts. My boyfriend, as soon as we started the relationship, overwhelmed me with all the so-called "secrets" from his past. Some were not particularly pleasant, but the fact that he told me everything and showed his vulnerability to me, has made the relationship stronger. I don't deny some things were shocking in the beginning, but it has really helped in growing stronger as a couple. His best friend is someone who originally was a fling. They started like that, then quickly lost interest in the sexual thing and became friends. I see this person on a regular basis and we've become friends ourselves. That's the past and I'm ok with it, there's no reason to be angry about it: he had a fling with this person while I was not there. Same for you and your wife: you had sex with other people before her. She wasn't there, maybe you didn't even know her. What could you do about it now? Jump in a time machine and erase everything? But again, it's up to you. It depends on the person and to their way of handling things. About the half-lie you told her, she should understand the reasons why you lied and the vulnerability regarding this story. As your wife she should understand that you're not made of iron and you can make little mistakes, just like everyone.
Why do you ask? Do you feel like you should? Are you compelled to tell her? I tell most things of my past, because I have a "love it or leave it" attitude. If the person doesn't like it, they can fuck right off. But you're already married to this woman so you might want to think about it first (which you are, and thats good). I don't see the point in saying anything unless you either a) want to hurt her or b) feel compelled to and unable to keep it to yourself. I don't really want to know the nitty gritty of everything my guy did before me.
Thank you both for your responses. My wife is equally jealous of past female lovers, it seems. She is very jealous of other women and other men. I am committed to her 100%. I don't want to hurt her, and I would never cheat on her. But I also don't want anyone else. She is the one for me. I fear that she will find out that I wasn't completely honest with her and that it will be worse for her to find out some other way--from someone else. It is probably better to keep it to myself. I don't see any benefit to telling her more.
I think if she finds out from you, it will be as you said it: a confession. If she happens to find out, it will be a revelation. Only one of those makes you look inherently guilty.
how would she find out? do you share mutual friends? see heres the problem with situations like these…people are usually changing their ways to placate and avoid the behavior of jealous monsters. what does this do? it sends the message that her behavior is ok. i believe, instead of this, you should be the catalyst that encourages her to grow beyond her feeble minded jealousy. what you did before her is none of her business. who you are now is her business. be strong, you are who you are.
Couple things OP 1. It's a terrible thing to live in fear and nobody should have to live that way. Your past is your past and honestly it's up to you if you want to tell your wife these things. Now yes you did "slip up" in that you didn't tell her the whole truth, but then again what you did prior to meeting her really isn't or shouldn't be a concern of hers, short of you killing a dozen people. So this power struggle you are having with yourself needs to end. you either need to think A. what if she finds out about some ex bf of yours, what will happen? She'll question you on it, you'll come clean and that will be that right? I guess you can always claim embarrassment as to why you never told her, whatever. Or B. you come clean now, sit her down and tell her you had this past relationship / experiment, whatever and it was in your past and you're not the same guy or whatever. But this living in fear BS is for the birds seriously. Yeah it may not be an easy thing to admit that you had this past, but it's not something you should be ashamed of, yes maybe you didn't tell your wife about it and you had your reasons and it's important to explain those reasons should you tell her or her find out. 2. Her considering you watching porn as cheating is full of shit. Granted some woman have a problem with it more than others but most right minded people would say watching porn is not cheating and is just a form of self pleasure or release. I consider chatting with other woman online much more cheating than watching porn. It's your marriage, not mine so you pick and fight the battles you want, but IMHO your wife "controlling" and putting this limitation on your only makes you more liable to cheat on her in the future. I'd be real curious to learn why your wife considers watching porn is cheating... Lastly your marriage (at least from your perspective and how you wrote your post) sounds pretty one sided. She obviously wears the pants, controls what you do and what you don't do. And you apparently live in fear of her. This much is obvious and it doesn't sound like a very fun way to live. Maybe she's the bread winner, maybe you're just whipped or a wimp, or maybe you just have a brute of a wife, I have no idea. In the end your wife needs to know you are devoted to her and if it will do you good and bring you peace to come clean with this stuff then you probably should consider that, but again think things through and do it carefully
Thank you for your responses. I am a good husband, and my past is my own. I don't bring it with me, I don't continue the past behavior. I don't cheat, and I don't watch porn or read erotica. If she finds out that I had more past lovers than I previously told her, then I'll deal with it then, and since it is in the past, I'll help her with her issue, because it is her issue, not mine. I try very hard to please her, and the suggestion (King Willy) that she wears the pants is not too far off the mark. I give in on most things just to avoid conflict. That isn't how I should have tried to keep us happy in the past, and its not how I should in the future. For us to work, we both have to make efforts to be in a good, healthy relationship. Had I never told her about my sexual past, she wouldn't know. If I were trying to keep secrets or engage in secret activities now, I could. That has not been my agenda. The suggestion that her behavior will drive me to cheat isn't unsound, either. The constant jealousy and conflict makes me wish for something easier. Sex before my marriage was easy and drama free. I wanted to be married, and in a committed monogamous relationship with her. The drama makes me sometimes wonder why I wanted to leave casual sex in the past. Thank you, responders. I can't talk about any of this to anyone, so this forum has been a great help to me emotionally.
Jason, to be clear I'm not in any way trying to come down on you, though I know I tend to be direct and not sugar coat. I'll admit hands down my wife for the most part wears the pants in our relationship. She's a stay at home mother / housekeeper and I'm the sole breadwinner, but she runs the household, she runs the show. But in any relationship one person tends to take on that role, and it's not about being whipped as much as it is who wants it, and honestly I don't want the job of being "the boss." Her issues with you and porn and you living in fear of her finding out more about your past I personally think is not right and lopsided, but if anything it probably points to her having some insecurity issues more than anything you might have done. Maybe she's been cheated on in the past, or maybe she's just naturally insecure. Again it's your life and at the end of the day it's your happiness level. I know I wouldn't stand for a few of those things but even know my wife may wear the pants neither of us try to control each other and we've had many discussions about that. I'm not her father and she's not my mother, and I'm not her boss and she's not the boss of me. We are partners in everything
