Short term Bi-polar?

i will ask tommorow. Yeah people down here are not my true friends but they sure are fun and I'm sure they feel the same way about me.

Katie and I didn't drink for two weeks during the summer...it was an experiement...that failed miserabley with one drunken night and a lesbian wet tshirt contest

 

see that's what I'm talking about though...one minute I'm taking cake decorating classes and a few nights later I'm entering a wet tshirt contest...I did win 50 bucks and a tee shirt though for 3rd place...yeah I wanna be cake decorating girl though not wet tshirt girl

 

yea, i have those people at school, always fun to go party with and such (well, for the most part)

haha, thats funny, me and brian tried doing the same thing...yea, failed miserably, but no lesbian wet tshirt contest

 

its gonna take time to get rid of "bad habits"...its consistancy of doing good habits that will get rid of it. you can do it lynsey, if you want to be a cake decorating girl, then do that

 

That's good...it's bad when the word gets out...assumptions are made

 

I like your new clothes. That dress is adorable. Where would you be wearing it to?

 

Thanks! If I don't take it back I am wearing it to a wine tasting party for 35 years and under winemakers in the artsy district of san francisco. It's totally appropriatte for san francisco but down here it would be too much. Everything is always black at events. But I could wear it on a dinner cruise or a really nice date after I come back

 

I was just doing guided journaling with this book they gave me (they said it would be good to account how often my personalities shift) and I realized I haven't 'felt close' to anyone in years. Isn't that odd, that wall that I just found was up and I didn't even know it was there? Now I feel guilty for that, for sharing so much with people and not experiencing closeness. I feel guilty too for appearing so normal on the outside when I am seemingly so disturbed to my doctors. Even my mom I am loyal to her and share everything with her but do not feel close to her.

 

When you see your doctor I'd ask how they can help you work thru the guilt you've been feeling during your recovery. They must have some suggestions on how to work thru those feelings so they don't take over your recovery.
(I'd love to hear what they say. I could use some pointers)

 

They did tell me not to get involved in a physical relationship because that seems to cause me guilt. That is hard because I don't feel comftrable telling the person I am dating what is going on so all we've done is kiss...for a month...poor guy d: . If I would have sought out therapy right after the incident this road would be a lot easier to travel but because I was in two very bad relationships after that and allowed both partners to tell me it was my fault I made the road really bumpy. I don't know why I did that to myself. I am that type of girl who I hate.

I'll ask this afternoon. I do need to cope with the guilt it's overwhelming. My therapist said that I sought out people with mental disorders after the incident because I felt flawed and now I feel guilty for having those relationships and doing that to myself and maybe further fucking those people up.

 

You don't have to be the type of girl you hate anymore. This is what is awesome about you taking this step for yourself. That girl that wants you like yourself is dying to come out. Now you can be THAT girl and love yourself or at least like who you see looking back at you.

I've spent years self loathing. It's very distructive and so unproductive.

 

I am trying so hard, so incredibley hard. I spent the past couple of years trying hard not to get better and not to let anything come out that now healing feels abnormal as oppossed to cathartic.
I woke up this morning happy though, like bouncing outta bed, which I haven't done in so long. I just sat outside and thought for a couple hours and made a list of things I have accepted in the past week that have aided to me getting better. If things are solidified on paper I can believe in them more. I'm going to add to the list each week...preferabley 5 (because I'm a little ocd too d
1-I am moody and this is okay as long as I do not take it out on myself or others
2- I am not everyone's type nor will I ever be and I am glad those who I am not good for have found happiness and vice-versa
3-I will never be perfect looking
4-Every paint job looks sloppy if the foundation is crumbiling *I thought this one was rather profound hah*
5-I do not know how to spell and my accent sometimes makes me sound unintelligent, but these are things that have also made me and others laugh. Furthermore I would not be me without these flaws.

 

Throw 2 more in there just to challenge the ocd.

I make lists like this for myself. They help. It's good that you are also adding in positive things about yourself. With every con there is a pro.

 

Lynsey,

I am glad that you have found a diagnosis from a doctor and you are getting help. Remember that there are a lot of people who care about you. You seem to be a very nice person. I wish you the best luck in your recovery!

Have you considered doing a gratitude list? Sometimes it helps to think about the many things each of us are blessed with. Just a thought.

Peace and love

 

Thanks ...7's a good number too d:

 

I used to keep a gratitude journal a couple years ago. That would be a great thing to do again! Thank you for the suggestion.

You see mto be a nice person too. I just got off the phone with my friend told her what was going on...I was worried about her response but in her true fashion she made a joke out of it and said she hopes shopaholic Lynsey is the one who she will be hanging out with d:

 

Thank you so much for your suggestion. I was just thinking and I am most thankful for my physical health. I have not been without a physical illness this long in years (knocks on my head) and I haven't been in this good of shape in at least 5 years. How wonderful is that?

 

How are things going Lynsey? I hope your treatment is going well and everything is okay. I'ld like to hear back from you, if you wanna.

Peace and love

 

Thank you so much for asking!
Things are going really well. They reduced my amount of medication a little bit because I was having a hard time eating, was agitated and was waking up at dawn. I feel a lot better after now. My therapy has been cut down to twice a week and we've been working on some cognitive techniques to help me not 'check out' as well as some subconscious work because that's the only way I can really talk freely. I still have times where I can't remember the day before or the past but these times have been much less frequent. I still feel very guilty and am very confused. I am really thankful that my memories are coming back because they are helping me understand that I sought out sick people because what happened to me was sick and I felt I deserved them. I know what to look for now. Last night I stopped seeing the person I was dating and am handeling it very well.

At the suggestion of my therapist I stopped having physical relationships, quit smoking pot and quit binge drinking and pretty much quit drinking all together.
Tommorow morning I am going to San Francisco to see my best friend for a few days and I'm not the least bit fearful of flying anymore. I haven't had a panic attack or nightmare in almost a week. I'm treating people a lot better, am a lot more patient and less agitated, which was the thing I hated the most about myself. I have finally been letting myself feel close to people, only women though.

When I get back from San Francisco I am taking a fast track class at school. My friends have been supportive beyond belief. They were all very suprised at first but confided some things that make me not feel alone...I guess all of us are on meds d:
One of my good friends was just laid off and dropped out of her doctorate program and is moving back down here so we're going to be each other's support system. She enrolled in the same graduate program I am going to this spring. It will be nice to have an old friend down here again...I was starting to feel like such a townie.
How have you been?
Hugs

 

Things have been going better. I'm under a lot of stress with college and I'm starting to get sick, which sucks. I'm trying to quit smoking everything which is pretty difficult as you probably already know.

Lately, I've had issues with depression, probably brought on by my illness. I just feel like I'm a failure, because I have a couple C's and my rooms a mess, etc. Just little things get to me when I'm in a depressed mood. Luckily, I have my bf to bring me back up when I'm feeling down.

I'm so glad that you are feeling better! I know it's important to have a support system in place and you are lucky that you have such good friends. I hope your class goes well and doesn't overstress you too much. Good luck with your studies and I hope to hear from you again!

Peace and love