Sexual Intimacy Makes Me Want To Cut Myself... Help?

I dont know who to ask about this. I have tried to google phrases periodically for years. No good answers.
i am 26. Female. Never have had vaginal sex.
For one i am extremely sensitive. My current boyfriend caused me to orgasm... multiple times... by simply kissing me and rubbing my hip bones. I was kind of embarrassed.
i have received oral sex in the past and although i climaxed, i feel hateful about myself in the situations.
two nights ago my current bf and i were messing around and we went farther than we had before and i blacked it out. I remembered in the middle of the day yesterday, how i was moaning and the whole experience. I got really upset and straight up stopped talking to him in the middle of a conversation for like 15 minutes. i just could not find words.

Theres more but i don't want to bore anyone and i really dont know what to do. I pretty much swore off dating but i really adore this person so i decided to try dating again. It is a new relationship and he is so sweet to me and communicative and loving i just dont know what my problem is. As far as i know i was not abused as a child. I have been in very emotionally manipulative relationships before though - but this feeling started before that.
Im dealing with a desire to cut myself (which is a coping mechanism i quit doing regularly a long time ago) (i was diagnosed with a mood disorder also but i think this is a separate issue) and also a desire to not talk to my bf, not be touched, not get out of bed...
Anyone have similar experience? Advice? ...help?

 

Have you sought professional counseling? If not, you should make a serious effort before this escalates. If your current boyfriend is that important to you, it might not be a bad idea to let him know about it. That's your call, but I can't stress the counseling enough. If it doesn't help the first time, keep trying different mental health professionals until you find one that does. They are definitely not a "one size fits all" sort of profession. (I speak from personal experience when I say this.)

Your last statement just screams "clinical depression". This frequently needs to be treated chemically. Again, it may take some trials with different anti-depressants to find out which one/combination works the best for you. Definitely talk to your PCP (Primary Care Physician) about this. (I've suffered from bipolar disorder my entire adult life. The meds I take are the main reason I'm still alive today, at age 59.)

The blacking out is unusual, but not unheard of. Some women can have such intense orgasms that they pass out. (I had a girlfriend like that in college.) It's not necessarily a bad thing (she loved it), but it can take some getting used to.

The main thing to remember is that there are people that care about you (even if you don't know some of us) and want you to get better.

 

Buzzgunner - Thank you for taking the time & energy to reply. I have tried some of the things you suggest already...

I have started the conversation with my boyfriend, we will be talking more next time we are face to face.

I used to be on mood stabilizers but they were not helping much (2 years) and i HATE taking pills. I have an aversion to putting chemicals in my body that are not naturally occurring and i felt like my third eye and my emotional state were dimmed or blinded and i couldnt stand the flat composure so i tapered off of medication for about 6 months, ending in June. I realized that suicide is not going to be a thing for me (i have thougts at times but i know myself enough to know that the action will not follow) so i don't want to be on medication any more. I also am a deeply spiritual person and feeling cut off from that part of myself was so disconcerting. I am trying to incorporate more naturopathic approach to my mental health including nutrition, yoga, meditation, breath, & nature. I am honestlly really proud that i am no longer on medication and am feeling the natural rhythm of my mind again - i am still learning to navigate it though.

I dont trust therapists. I have seen at least 7 different ones in the past 8 years and realized that the profession being what it is has not been helpful to me. And the concept that i have to pay someone to listen to me while they usually give no great insight i havent thought of myself is unfulfilling. One thing i am considering looking into though is hypnotherapy, so i will do some research on local resources for that.

I really am wondering if anyone knows of some reading material or research on this topic, if it is an experience shared by others, or if i am just broken.
I have tried just abstaining but i really want the emotional intimacy - and most people cannot participate emotionally without also doing so physically.

 

OK, it sounds like you've already explored the more conventional methods for addressing your issues. There are some other avenues that you may want to investigate.

With regard to medications, it might be worth your while to check with homeopathic clinicians near you to see if any of them can recommend a source for naturally occurring anti-depressants. For example, St. Johns wort and supplemental doses of vitamin B6 are known to be beneficial in remediating depression. Depending upon where you live, light therapy may also help. I, for example, live the USA, in the Pacific Northwest. Many people here suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is aggravated by the long rainy winters we have. Light therapy helps many of them.

I've tried hypnotherapy in the past without much success, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't check it out for yourself. There are two points to consider when doing so. First, hypnotherapy can be a dodgy business with many scam artists. Make sure that the professional you visit is accredited. Second (and IMHO more important), some people simply cannot be hypnotized or, at the very least, are extremely difficult to do so. I'm one of those people. For a hypnotherapist to work, he/she needs to be able to secure your complete trust. I'm naturally suspicious of strangers and a bit paranoid. Every attempt to hypnotize me (starting in my pre-teens) has completely failed.

The main thing to remember is to not give up. Most chronic diseases like this can be beaten, or at least moderated. The key is to keep fighting and looking towards your goal. Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and relatives can be an immense help.

Good luck!

 

Your tags say sexual phobia and guilt. So, sex is wrong for you ... or so it seems. What does the guilt say? What does the cutting say? What are these things trying to tell you?

 

Agree with buzzgunner about therapy. If you don't want to go that route, maybe a support group? Part of the problem here is that you don't know what the root of the problem is.

I'm also skeptical about hypnotherapy, but if it helps, there's no arguing with that. I'd be careful about spending too much money on that.

Acupuncture and Chinese herbal medicine might be helpful. I could say more about that.

 

Thank you all for your input.

To clarify -
Even though depression/mood swings affect me, my main issue i am concerned with is things surrounding sex and preventing me from forming a normal healthy romantic relationship. I can deal with being sad about other things and i can logically talk myself into a better mood for other situations.

I dont know the root of the feelings of guilt that are stimulated and exacerbated by sexual contact. Even masturbation causes this. I have been working on it for years and have gotten to the point that i try to stifle the feelings but it only works for so long.

What is stated about hypnotherapy is why i havent looked into it too deeply - i am generally very private about things and dont want to tell moat people about this, let alone someone i don't know. And i have an intrinsic distrust of strangers which may make it not work at all, as others mentioned above.

Trust me i have spent a looooong time trying to figure out "What does the guilt say? What does the cutting say? What are these things trying to tell you?"

The conclusions vary from subliminal programming when i was young to possiblle karmic &/or past life influence. Idk. I just know that even though my body participates, after the contact my spirit is crushed. I really wish that i didnt want to be romantically involved with anyone but i also believe that i cannot help the way that i feel and i really want to beleive that i deserve to be normal and form a close bond with someone. Perhaps that is not true.

I am really curious about acupuncture & chinese medicine & how these might benefit me.

 

Acupuncture and Chinese herbal medicine are used to treat a wide variety of conditions, both physical and psychological.

It's been endorsed by the World Health Organization for treating a variety of illnesses, btw.

The main problem with these treatment modes in the west is the expense. Some practitioners want $150 or more per treatment.

So unless you've got lots of cash to spend on it, you'll probably need to find someone who offers services on a sliding scale, or go to a student clinic.

 

I agree with ezm8 about acupuncture (I have not experience with herbal medicine.) I've used acupuncture off and on for over a decade. If you find the right acupuncturist (and they vary widely), the results can be amazing!

 

Cool thank you all so much for youe input. I will look into acupuncture.