I believe sex should be kept for marriage which should last for life. I know many people think they should have sex to see if they are sexually compatible before committing to someone. I honestly don't know what that means. Talk about sex. To a degree you may not know what you like or dislike if you're a virgin but you still have some idea what turns you on. Probably from masturbating and watching porn or at least sex scenes in TV shows and movies you'll have some ideas. The rest you can find out together. Yes there could be a disparity in how often you want sex but it's something to negotiate like who's going to cook and clean, how many kids you're going to have, where you're going to live and so on and on. Then there's the fact that people change. Married or not over the years things like work, diet, stress, illness, hormones and many other circumstances have an effect on libido. No matter how "compatible" you may be today there's no guarantee you will be in a year let alone fifty years. Tastes change. People discover sex acts, positions, toys, fetishes that they didn't have or weren't aware of before. Sometimes their partner is game, sometimes not. I believe ignorance is bliss instead of having sexual history that you may compare your spouse to and perhaps be disappointed for the rest of your life that they don't perform or measure up to one of your exes in some way.
I can agree that in an ideal world, it would be great if we all knew enough about ourselves and relationships to make an excellent partner choice early in life and stayed with that partner for life. I thought I knew enough when I married my first wife. I thought i knew my limits and needs. But I didn't. She was the first person I had sex with, even the first person I kissed. I never asked her for a number, but in truth I don't think she had an accurate count of the number of guys she had been with. I can tell you 2 things honestly looking back at our sex life and comparing it to subsequent relationships: 1.) she wasn't any better in bed than other people I've been with since, regardless of her long trail of previous guys, and 2.) if we had stayed together I don't think we would have missed out on anything sexually if neither of us ever had a subsequent partner. What I'm saying with that is, one partner for life is definitely not an inherent disadvantage. It's great if you don't have to contend with jealousy and insecurity regarding your partner's past. It's great if you can just explore and discover things together. It does sound ideal. But making that one early relationship last forever is a long shot. I don't think people know enough about themselves until their 30s usually to make a really healthy, realistic choice. Sure, that varies - sometimes people make a perfect choice in their teens, sometimes people don't really know enough until their 50s. The thing is, we almost all think we know enough way before we actually know enough. So to make a strict rule about sex being for marriage and marriage being for life just doesn't take into consideration the errors - sometimes really serious errors- in partner choices most of us make. I'd also like to add that the prohibition on premarital sex leads people in very conservative communities to have motives for marriage that are driven or clouded by hormones rather than strictly a good clear-headed appraisal of the relationship. I'm actually not a proponent of careless, casual sexual involvement - to me it's a very personal, meaningful, significant thing. But the strict rule about marriage ignores some real-world complications, so I don't think it's practical or healthy.
Disagree. Compromise = not pleased, use whatever word to replace PLEASED. One partner with a high sex drive desiring the other who has a low sex drive: Frequent rejection until the partner gives up. Affair(s)? Frequent solo frustrated relief? Divorce for incompatibility and or the other reasons above? Highly mismatched sexual likes: One partner seeking to fill the gaps elsewhere? Which leads to thinking about other things and possibly other people during sex with said partner. Quitting asking for unsatisfying sex over time? Watching porn to fill some gaps? I was with someone who would not handle me or give oral, titfucks out of the question, only one way for having sex, same place, same thing, same day of the week, needing a LOT of foreplay to finally get something which had to be done with quickly. Result: gone, finding a better match. Keep in mind, it’s not only about sex, it’s about getting along nicely enough with someone and being compatible. BUT see the above points! A partner with low drive and or limited repertoire compared to the other partner: Feeling pressured? Shutting down the topic, I tell you, that kills the closeness. If I meet a woman I want to have a very real and open conversation on different things. Sex included! Not interested in going into someone without any idea and end up going separate ways again. I stay with her or stay single.
There are two things required to make a marriage last for life. Choosing well is huge but by far the more important factor is having the completely bull-headed determination to stick it out no matter what. Arranged marriages can work because the cultural expectation is that you stay together and work through your difficulties and perhaps go without what you want or think you need for decades, maybe for life. Absolutely I know people who married in a hurry because they wanted to have sex and regretted it later. They went to counselling, seriously considered divorce but decided to stay together and are happier now than ever. I'd argue the adversity has made them better people, more patient, understanding and great examples to their now 1 and a half year old son.
I can sure relate. In a conservative youth community, I avoided a couple of girls who gave me strong come-on signals, then I married my first wife before spending enough time getting to know each other. Her family and friends were so nosey and protective, and the no-touching rule so strong, we rushed into marriage to take the heat off us so we could start having sex. It turned out a big mistake. She was an outgoing rebel type and I am a quiet deep thinker. We made the most of it until it all went pear-shaped, we went bankrupt, and she ran off with some guy.
Yeah... no. Sex is an important part of a relationship. Way more important than people let on. A couple with mismatched sexual drives and interests is ALWAYS going to lead to one partner feeling unsatisfied, with the other thinking that is all the other person wants. BOTH - lead to resentment. And resentment is THE relationship killer.
Sex compatibility evolves.Thirst and desires change over time with the relationships. You either grow closer together or drift apart. It really depends on the openness to communicate. That said, My wife and I recently opened our relationship to include others. We both realized that we can’t (as individuals) be the sole provider for sexual satisfaction for each of us.
My wife and I did not have sex with each other until our wedding night, but we had explored each other's bodies during the seven years we dated. Meanwhile, during those dating years, she had sex with several other men. She learned that every man was different and that she could adjust to enjoy whatever they had to offer. I'm sure my first times with her weren't that great, but it didn't take long for us to perfect our love-making with each other.
That's our situation. 31 years married. She wants no sex at all for going on 20 years. I haven'tplayed with anyone for 11 years. I'm in for the long haul with us. Counseling is a long road but I couldn't leave her when she needs me, but I sure need another horny person to get off with.
