Hello, I'm hoping to maybe find some like-minded individuals, or some insight on a topic of how sexual abuse has affected people's dating and relationship experiences. I'm a male, 25, and went through an unfortunate event with a babysitter when I was 4. I only really remember being scared, not a whole lot else. But it's come to my attention that it's affected me in certain ways throughout my time with dating and sexual exploration. I've just recently become okay with talking about it and reaching out about it. For instance, I can't have sex unless it's clear a woman is consenting. Even if they playfully say no or are insincere in their refusal (aka playing hard to get), I can't do it. I can't just be playful back and take a woman when they say that, when deep down I know they probably want to. And saying something like "are you serious" or "I need you to say you want to" kills the mood. Additionally, trust is a huge thing for me. I have commitment issues and become emotionally distressed when I feel I'm being used or the individual I'm seeing is manipulating me. I've learned how to deal with those in a fairly healthy way, but it's still extremely difficult to deal with. If there is any advice or insight someone can give that may help me to understand myself better, man or woman, or how to approach these things, then I'd be very grateful.
You are wise to seek affirmative and explicit consent, and would be wise to do so even if you hadn't been abused as a child. It's a fine filter for you, and for anyone, to eliminate from any consideration as a partner in physical intimacy anyone who doesn't respect the simple rule: "yes means yes, and no means no." You say that you're 25. If you attended a university, there would have been mandatory training on this. The concept would be familiar to almost anyone your age. There's nothing strange about it at all. If someone says "no" to you, and your explanation for why you went ahead anyway was, as you say, "deep down, I knew she probably wanted to," you will find yourself in a prison jumpsuit. The mindreader defense doesn't hold water, because you can't read minds, and deep-down knowledge has nothing to do with probability and wishful thinking. The only way you can know deep down that someone wanted to engage in a sexual act with you is that you asked, and she affirmatively and explicitly said "yes." There's nothing wrong with what you're doing or the way you're doing it. There's nothing wrong with being selective in your commitments. I wouldn't say that you have "issues" there. They're valid reasons, and many people will respect the simple "only yes means yes" rule.
