Hi, I’m a 17y/o male and I’ve been in a relationship for two years, sexual for about 6 months. Sometimes, when we initiate sex, she is fine with it and it feels good to her, but other times she cannot continue as it hurts so much. I’ve tried using lubricant but the issue still persists. I also think STI is out of the issue as we were both virgins before our current relationship, It’s not as if she doesnt want sex however, as the few times it feels good it’s worth it, but the other 75% it’s just too painful for her. Now she’s at the point where she cannot relax before sex because of the worry it’s going to hurt, which I feel is a spiral that’s going too gradually get worse. Could lack of enough foreplay, even with lubricant be a cause of this issue? Thanks for any help.
Hey Anonymous, Okay, so there could be a multitude of reasons for you partners discomfort; a lot of these reasons don’t necessarily involve you. Dyspareunia is basically when an individual experiences pain during sex. It is most common in women but about 3% of men have reported it too (Levay & Baldwin, 2012, p. 529) Your partner's pain could be caused by developmental malformations, undiagnosed endometriosis, she might not be aroused enough, or perhaps even a condition known as Vaginismus. Vaginismus is defined as the inability to experience coitus (sex) due to spasm of the muscles surrounding the outer vagina combined with pain or fear of pain (Levay & Baldwin, 2012, p. 532). This condition could be primarily psychological and could be triggered my anxiety or some form of discomfort from your partner. Do you feel that you have pretty open communication about your sexual expectations with your partner? Do you know if she is genuinely comfortable with engaging in sex at this point in your relationship? Please don’t get me wrong, there could be several other reasons that could be causing this hinderance but these are just a few thoughts that immediately came to mind. If you both feel that you want to try and find a solution, I would recommend going to a planned parenthood facility or a physician and see if they can offer suggestions or possible resources for you. I am including a link to a video that I watched in the class I’m currently taking that shines some light on a situation just like the one you’re describing. I hope that you and your partner find it beneficial. In the meantime, take your time on getting to know what you are both comfortable doing and pay attention to these red flags when things don’t go “normally”. It might just be that you need to rethink things a bit and try some new techniques. Like the saying goes, practice makes perfect… but good communication goes a long ways too YouTube link: Vaginismus References Levay, S., & Baldwin, J. I. (2012). Human sexuality. Sunderland, MA: Sinauer Associates, Inc.
