Hi curious and sexual people, For the first time in my life I find myself in a relationship with a woman who has a muted low sex drive. We are both in our mid twenties and have been together over a year. Unfortunately the sex has not improved to my liking. Given the time I had high hopes, her sexual lust and desires would show, as she feels more comfortable with herself around me. My previous relationships, have all started by passion and a deep sexual desire, for both the women and myself, often leading to a romantic serious relationship. The women have all been vocal about their desires and needs, both in and out of the bedroom. For me, sex starts out of the bedroom and it's were foreplay really starts. I have a very high sex drive and enjoy giving pleasure and receiving, in return. I enjoy it most when I see my partner in enjoying it and love feedback as I'm pleasuring her. In my current relationship, I give pleasure and receive little in return. She enjoys and climaxes from me pleasuring her orally and through penetration. Yet she does this without saying anything during or after sex, besides breathing and moaning. She is shy and reserved. I can see she is holding back and struggles loosing control, my attempts at talking about the issue is always ignored. She refuses to let me pleasure her outside of the bedroom, via suggestive sexual flirts, buying her lingerie, hinting at a surprise seduction, etc. All these efforts are in vain and her responses range from laughs to anger. I've given all of this a lot of time, since we are a good match and besides the lacking sexual tension, I do love this woman. My questions are: Have I gotten into a relationship that from the start lacked a sexual spark? From your experiences, men and women, does a woman who has possibly been this way since her first sexual encounter in her teenage years, have the capacity to change? Am I ignorant and is wanting her to change into a more sexual expressive woman, a selfish want? (maybe this is who she is and my idea of every person being sexually expressive is naive) Anyway...
I think small changes are possible, but if she's shy, introvert and reserved, she won't change into something else. Big, radical changes only happen on the Internet an in other fantasy realms, like books and movies. The bottom line is that you aren't satisfied with the way she is. You can make her life unpleasant, by putting pressure, even if light pressure, for her to become someone else, or you can let her be and be frustrated yourself. It sucks, but that's how it is.
I'm gonna be a bit blunt. Press on with the flirting, try to be subtle, and if you think you're being subtle, find creative fun ways to be more subtle, and then turn it around on her and say "shhhh you're making a scene honey, I thought you didn't want this sorta of thing public knowledge". If she truly sees you as unhealthy for her, she'll break up with you, and you'll be in a mutual place to hopefully break up amicably, as long as no surprise pregnancies or STD/STI's complicate things. (So don't cheat on her) --- Relationship therapy, sex therapy, and discovering the origin of her shyness being from society or from her actual default persona/temperment at birth. Because if it's the former, there is a chance she's just afraid of bring out a repressed part of her that actually could add enjoyment to the relationship for both of you. If it's the latter, then don't expect to change her.
