My wife (of 7 years) has recently told me that I'm selfish and don't think of others including her or our son. Now I couldn't disagree more and I've told her I don't understand what she's talking about. Aside from one isolated incident from 2 weeks ago that started all this, she hasn't given me any examples. I've apologized profusely for said incident. Now she still grumpy, unhappy, and of course withholding sex saying she was hoping for some "grand gesture" from me. I don't understand what she expects. I've promised to try and think of others more in my actions but that doesn't seem good enough. Any advice on "grand gestures?"
We're an interfaith couple and our families live in the same town. Her family doesn't do much of anything on Christmas Eve except go to church at night. Our son is too small to sit through a service, so I asked if I could take him out to dinner with my parents and my wife said yes. It was a seemingly hesitant yes, but I didn't think too much of it at the time. Well, I went to dinner and felt like I did something wrong the whole time, rushed back to my wife, and later, after her church service, asked her if she was upset about me taking him out. She said yes, I said I felt bad about it, apologized, went to bed. Well, it all got re-hashed days later because my wife doesn't let things go. Apologized some more. Things seemed fine for a week. And now we're back here.
Well, it goes without saying that telling her that is not a good thing. In the past I've suggested that she has problems being happy with her life, etc... But that's not gone over very well. We went to marriage counselling a few years ago and it resulted in her being prescribed some anti-anxiety meds. That seemed to make her more cheerful for some time, but maybe she's not taking them anymore or has gotten used to the dose. Anyway, I know she's a difficult wife, but I love her and I'm faithful to her and I will always fight for my marriage and my family. I'm just a loss of how to "wow" her right now.
Holy shit for real! She is pissed at you for going to your parents with your kid for supper. How selfish of you. You are a better man then me for not just telling off.
Well its more than that. It was on "her holiday" even if she had no major event planned. I'll give her that one. I apologized. But to be mad at me longterm and accuse me of not thinking of anyone but myself blows my mind. Clearly there's some deeper reason she's angry, which I have to work to get out of her. But assuming that incident didn't happen or she forgave me for it, I'm trying to figure out how to show to her that I'm not selfish. And just the opposite - that everything I do is with her and my son in mind.
Dude you were with your son and family not out at a bar with your buddies or something. Nothing selfish about that at all. Sounds like she has some serious issues.
This is pretty passive aggressive on her part and I feel for ya. But I wouldn't take this shit or expect my wife to take similar behavior from me. It doesn't sound like you did a damn thing wrong...even if it was "her holiday." If it was that big of a deal, she should have said something to begin with. And this "grand gesture" nonsense....what does she expect...that you will change gods? Seriously....what a load of bullshit. This is not how mature people act.
Something about it was very symbolic. Like she wants your son AND YOU involved, and it was a type of rejection. Or, she thinks you're shielding your son from said faith. Or that you think little of said faith wanting to take the easy way out, and using your son as an excuse. It hurt her, and you have to find out why. You were being practical and helpful, yet women want sentiment and caressing of their feelings. Since you care for her, dig at what it meant to her. Then perhaps study up a little on her faith further as the "grand gesture" she is asking for. If she continues to be petulant....ug. Good luck.
How dare you do what YOU want to do!! Just who do you think YOU are?? Man--some people never learn how to kow-tow to others correctly.
Yeah, so a couple of things (and thanks for all the responses): I did buy her a car. Or buy us a car rather, about 4 months ago. She loves it. I used to be the person with poor communication. Now, after those counselling sessions and years of practice, I think I'm better and she's gotten worse. I've told her this several times and I hope she thinks about it and tries to fix that. The ball is in her court. I don't watch her to make sure she takes meds. She's a big girl. Its not life threatening if she doesn't take them, she just seems a little more anxious and thus a little more excitable (in a bad way). Me pestering her about it would just annoy her, and I wouldn't blame her for that. I think CalGirl might be right. She did also say things like I was taking her holiday away from her, or I wasn't doing enough to instill both religions on our child (as we plan on doing), or she was trying harder to follow my traditions than I was of hers. I don't think those things are true, but that's how she perceives things, so I have to take it as such. Also, she only revealed to me, after the fight began, that all this time she wanted me to be with her and our son at religious services because everyone else is there with their family. Now, I've always told her, and we've always agreed, that we would never force each other to convert or take part in the real religious stuff. Just customs and traditions. Hence, me not ever going to a Christmas service. Although it would make me greatly uncomfortable, I would be willing to go if that's what she wanted. She just never asked!!!! At least not until it was over and there was a fight going. On the other hand, I offered for her to bring our son to the service but we agreed he was too young (under 2 years old). That is something I've never stopped her from doing if she wanted. Perhaps maybe she just needs to cool off, get over this, and communicate better with me. I don't think there's much of anything I could do or say right now that would fulfill her "expectations" of a grand gesture, so better do nothing except be loving and supportive, right?
Sometimes when we care about someone we have to let go of stubbornness and show warmth and affection. You can remind her that behavior is as much her obligation as yours, but you cant make it contingent on how ahe acts. We cater to is most hurt....that i how love works. Fyi...andy, you sound like a good man. She is lucky.
If her holiday was so important to her she should have let you know that she wanted you and your son to join her, or communicated to you that it was important to be a 'family' during the holiday. Telling you yes, whether hesitantly or not, and then getting mad about it is manipulative at the very least. You aren't a mind reader, and shouldn't be expected to be one. I wouldn't say what you did was selfish, unless she had mentioned how important the night was for her, and you made other plans. Many years ago my father told me "Men don't take hints well, you have to say what you want or mean" and I have found that he is right. My husband sucks at taking hints, so if I hint and he doesn't get it I have no one to blame but myself. It is so much easier to just say what's on my mind straight out, as opposed to thinking "He should know me well enough to understand what I want". Your wife may need her medication adjusted if she has been on it a long time. I agree with you that harping over her about taking it will only irritate her. However, she may not realize she needs to have her dose adjusted, so it might help to find a polite way to mention it. I suggest waiting until she is having a good day, and say something like "You're in a great mood today, I was beginning to worry about your meds not working because you haven't been as happy lately" or something. You know your wife, so hopefully you know how to broach the subject without causing issues. Good luck with your wife. It might not be a bad idea to go to therapy again and get a refresher course. Its not uncommon for couples who have attended marriage counselling to need a 'tune up' every few years.
OMG I'm not in any way going to comment about a religious issue. Of all the things that can go wrong in this world and all the things that could come crashing down at any moment and these are the things that one quivers about? Seriously, when one of your best friend dies, or another really good friend gets in a life threatening automobile accident and is fighting for her life (both of these happened to my wife and I), it really gives you some perspective on what is important in life. People bitch and complain about the most mundane stuff and take for granite so many things, and then they experience real loss and realize only then the pettily stuff they rant on about. Nuff said before I really get blacklisted
A little update: i basically gave my wife some time and space. I even suggested joining an activity (details unimportant) that would benefit us and our son. Something she hadn't thought about, so I think it made me look good. On friday night we had hot sex. Twice (big deal for us!). So maybe it worked. Have hot date together on saturday night out to a hotel while parents babysit at home. Should be excellent.
