Ok, where do I begin. I know I'm introverted. I think I'm a schizoid. Its pretty self evident. I actually haven't hung out with anyone or any of my friends since last summer and I only did it last summer one time because my friend called me and asked. Most of the time I am glad I'm not out and around other people. Hanging out with my other friend back in the summer after 7th grade, I would always get burned out after so many hours and want to go home or him to leave. Now, I'm not complaining. I'm just stating some facts to illustrate for you my personality or lack of one. When you go into a room full of people, if you don't talk to people and make yourself seem friendly by talking to people then absolutely nobody is going to want to talk to you or be friends with you. Its human nature (trust me on this one) for humans to prefer to have friends who already have many other friends than to want to be friends with a loner (do you disagree?). This is all background information so far. When I was little, I was extremely emotional. I could be very excited or made to cry extremely easily. I was rude (this is elementary school and younger) and people did not like this personality. So, I hit puberty and went to middle school (or vice versa, I don't know). People perceived me to be a clown (even my friends) and crazy, including the teachers (in 6th grade). In 6th grade I started playing MMORPGs (Massive multiplayer online role playing games) and I desired to play them more than be with friends. When I was in elementary school I was often at friends houses. It was extremely painful to be emotional, because all it ever did was make people hate me. I became withdrawn as well as depressed (suicidal) as well as slowly destroyed that person that everyone hated so much and loved to taunt (myself). I killed myself, my personality that is, because I hated it, and by the time I was in Highschool I was virtually emotionless. I joined band and I have been in band for over 2 years. I don't have any friends in that program. If a friend is someone you can confide in, then I have never had any friends. I can't confide in my family either. Again, I'm not complaining or searching for sympathy here, I'm just stating facts. So, I have tranformed from a person with a bad personality into a person with no personality and a bad personality. I'm a genius. I'm not bragging, and I don't think I'm better than anyone (though on occasion I think I'm worse). I get straight As (I only get As) and I usually have the highest grade in half my classes. My hobbies include and are severly limited to sitting in front of this computer. Schizoid is a personality disorder but some people think that it isn't and that a few people who occupy a remote part of the intelligence spectrum are schizoid but not unnaturally, but it still can cause them problems like it is to me now. Now, my problem. So, I don't need many friends, or to be around them that much, but I've found that I still do need them. The problem is, I need friend I can talk to and somehow relate to (relate to is a given), but I can't make friends. Most guys when they hang out with each other just do stupid stuff and boring stuff and never talk about anything. Girls are a little better thanks to social conditioning, but not that much, and girls even at this age still prefer to make friends only with other girls. So there are still a lot of good people out there, but none of them seem to want or need friends. Now, I didn't sit around here crying (I didn't cry) about it and not make any effort to make friends. I've joined marching band and concert band at school, which takes a huge amount of time and puts me into a million situations where I'm with people my age. I talk to people and be as nice as I can, but nobody is interested being friends with a cold dead rock. I've gotten some peoples phone numbers and made a myspace. I joined Mock Trail at my school just because I wanted to be with some other people. I joined NHS and did volunteer work with people my age, smart people too, but talking to them was pointless. I'm also in chess club (meet people there but doesn't go great either). Now I'm in We The People (constitution study group that competes) and I was looking forward to this but I really feel its going to suck because the people in my group wont want to be friends with me. I try to be nice to people, and start conversations with them but the conversations die fast. People don't like my lack of a personality, and then when I open up its even worse. People think I'm crazy. I was with some people and we were sitting at a table eating and I started laughing for no reason for a long time (over a minute of nothing but laughing). It was embarrasing. I'm either this cold emotionless rock around people or I'm crazy and people don't want to be around either. I don't have a good personality. I'm not a horrible person, but I don't have any kind of personality that anyone would want to meet. I don't want to develop schizophrenia and I think schizophrenia starts with schizotypal disorder (which is supposidly a mild form [very mild] of schizophrenia). I hate talking about myself with people in real life, because in my experience nobody has wanted to hear about me. Distorted thoughts including needing to be with other people made me depressed. I was and still am seriously messed up in one aspect of that problem, which is that I and millions of others in this country have been socially conditioned to believe that a romantic relationship is the only valueable one. I couldn't get a girlfriend, not because I can't talk to girls, but because I can't talk to people. I hope you understand how intense a feeling this is. I'm not talking about sex, those thoughts are seperate. I'm talking about somebody to share life with, and it seems that you can't do that with friends. It has to be done with partners, but that creates a whole new problem. When I was depressed I used to think I was ugly but I've acknowledged (while in a better mood) now the fact that I'm not ugly nor am I particularly good looking (good enough to look at maybe if the girl didn't have insane standards, but most people do). I'm good enough looking that girls would check me out if no other guys were around but if other teenage guys were around I'd probably not even be noticed. If you listen in on a group of gifted girls conversation about boys, it goes something like "Oh, hes so cute, and hes cute too", and the boy's conversations are like "I'd hit that". So, I don't know what to do. Sitter here thinking about this is exactily what makes me depressed and suicidal (as well as being tried which also adds to the mood). I feel defective like this because nobody wants me this way, both physically and mentally. I need to occupy myself now or I will have bad thoughts.