Schizoid, Sensitivity and Depression

Discussion in 'Mental Health' started by Green, Jun 10, 2006.

  1. Green

    Green Iconoclastic

    Ok, where do I begin. I know I'm introverted. I think I'm a schizoid. Its pretty self evident.

    I actually haven't hung out with anyone or any of my friends since last summer and I only did it last summer one time because my friend called me and asked. Most of the time I am glad I'm not out and around other people. Hanging out with my other friend back in the summer after 7th grade, I would always get burned out after so many hours and want to go home or him to leave. Now, I'm not complaining. I'm just stating some facts to illustrate for you my personality or lack of one.

    When you go into a room full of people, if you don't talk to people and make yourself seem friendly by talking to people then absolutely nobody is going to want to talk to you or be friends with you. Its human nature (trust me on this one) for humans to prefer to have friends who already have many other friends than to want to be friends with a loner (do you disagree?).

    This is all background information so far. When I was little, I was extremely emotional. I could be very excited or made to cry extremely easily. I was rude (this is elementary school and younger) and people did not like this personality. So, I hit puberty and went to middle school (or vice versa, I don't know). People perceived me to be a clown (even my friends) and crazy, including the teachers (in 6th grade).

    In 6th grade I started playing MMORPGs (Massive multiplayer online role playing games) and I desired to play them more than be with friends. When I was in elementary school I was often at friends houses.

    It was extremely painful to be emotional, because all it ever did was make people hate me. I became withdrawn as well as depressed (suicidal) as well as slowly destroyed that person that everyone hated so much and loved to taunt (myself). I killed myself, my personality that is, because I hated it, and by the time I was in Highschool I was virtually emotionless.

    I joined band and I have been in band for over 2 years. I don't have any friends in that program. If a friend is someone you can confide in, then I have never had any friends. I can't confide in my family either.

    Again, I'm not complaining or searching for sympathy here, I'm just stating facts.

    So, I have tranformed from a person with a bad personality into a person with no personality and a bad personality.

    I'm a genius. I'm not bragging, and I don't think I'm better than anyone (though on occasion I think I'm worse). I get straight As (I only get As) and I usually have the highest grade in half my classes. My hobbies include and are severly limited to sitting in front of this computer. Schizoid is a personality disorder but some people think that it isn't and that a few people who occupy a remote part of the intelligence spectrum are schizoid but not unnaturally, but it still can cause them problems like it is to me now.

    Now, my problem.

    So, I don't need many friends, or to be around them that much, but I've found that I still do need them. The problem is, I need friend I can talk to and somehow relate to (relate to is a given), but I can't make friends. Most guys when they hang out with each other just do stupid stuff and boring stuff and never talk about anything. Girls are a little better thanks to social conditioning, but not that much, and girls even at this age still prefer to make friends only with other girls.

    So there are still a lot of good people out there, but none of them seem to want or need friends. Now, I didn't sit around here crying (I didn't cry) about it and not make any effort to make friends. I've joined marching band and concert band at school, which takes a huge amount of time and puts me into a million situations where I'm with people my age. I talk to people and be as nice as I can, but nobody is interested being friends with a cold dead rock. I've gotten some peoples phone numbers and made a myspace. I joined Mock Trail at my school just because I wanted to be with some other people. I joined NHS and did volunteer work with people my age, smart people too, but talking to them was pointless. I'm also in chess club (meet people there but doesn't go great either). Now I'm in We The People (constitution study group that competes) and I was looking forward to this but I really feel its going to suck because the people in my group wont want to be friends with me.

    I try to be nice to people, and start conversations with them but the conversations die fast. People don't like my lack of a personality, and then when I open up its even worse. People think I'm crazy. I was with some people and we were sitting at a table eating and I started laughing for no reason for a long time (over a minute of nothing but laughing). It was embarrasing. I'm either this cold emotionless rock around people or I'm crazy and people don't want to be around either.

    I don't have a good personality. I'm not a horrible person, but I don't have any kind of personality that anyone would want to meet. I don't want to develop schizophrenia and I think schizophrenia starts with schizotypal disorder (which is supposidly a mild form [very mild] of schizophrenia).

    I hate talking about myself with people in real life, because in my experience nobody has wanted to hear about me. Distorted thoughts including needing to be with other people made me depressed. I was and still am seriously messed up in one aspect of that problem, which is that I and millions of others in this country have been socially conditioned to believe that a romantic relationship is the only valueable one.

    I couldn't get a girlfriend, not because I can't talk to girls, but because I can't talk to people. I hope you understand how intense a feeling this is. I'm not talking about sex, those thoughts are seperate. I'm talking about somebody to share life with, and it seems that you can't do that with friends. It has to be done with partners, but that creates a whole new problem.

    When I was depressed I used to think I was ugly but I've acknowledged (while in a better mood) now the fact that I'm not ugly nor am I particularly good looking (good enough to look at maybe if the girl didn't have insane standards, but most people do). I'm good enough looking that girls would check me out if no other guys were around but if other teenage guys were around I'd probably not even be noticed. If you listen in on a group of gifted girls conversation about boys, it goes something like "Oh, hes so cute, and hes cute too", and the boy's conversations are like "I'd hit that".

    So, I don't know what to do. Sitter here thinking about this is exactily what makes me depressed and suicidal (as well as being tried which also adds to the mood).

    I feel defective like this because nobody wants me this way, both physically and mentally. I need to occupy myself now or I will have bad thoughts.
     
  2. lalalamort

    lalalamort Fucked up upstairs

    1. Dont say your a genius to people. It makes them hate you

    although its probably true
     
  3. Social anxiety disorder perhaps? I have that (I think, there's no way in fucking hell I'm going to the crazy doctor to find out for sure though. Those people don't know what they're talking about. All they care about is prescribing medication and making money.), and it sucks. (You probably don't have it. I'm probably just projecting my own problems on to you so that I don't feel like I'm the only crazy on hipforums.)

    I feel about the same as you. I'm over sensitive about everything (I cried at the drop of a hat, especially in elementary) and I can't make friends. I don't really even like going out with the "friends" I have (can they even really be considered friends? It's not like they ever call me to do anything. The last time was either last summer or the one before, if you don't count inviting me to stupid birthday parties) and would be perfectly happy just staying in all the time or doing my own thing without someone else bothering me, but it still pisses me off to no end seeing my stupid brother always hanging out with his retarded friends. (All they do is ride dirt bikes, play video games, and make fun of each other. Yeah, real great friends.) Yes, I admit it. I do have serious problems. Maybe I do wish I had someone to hang out with, who knows?

    I do get lonely though. And I know I'll probably never have a boyfriend 'cause guys don't like shy girls or smart girls. Besides, I hate everyone at my school, and where else would I meet anyone? It really makes me mad when a guy says I'm cute or whatever and is flirting with me, then turns around and asks someone else out. WTF? (and it's only new kids or guys in a different grade [that I have never met me previously] that even sort of seem interested. Then after talking to me for a while, they see how boring I am.)

    I am going to a different school next year - the junior vocational school - not because I really wanted to, but to get away from the people at my school who think they know me, and hate me for it. Kids from like 15 or so different schools can go there. The class I'm taking there, interactive media tech, does look fun though - a lot better than the boring classes we have at normal high school. (And I'll get to work on the computer for half the day, take my regular core classes, then come home and get on the computer again!) I usually get As, and I don't even try. When I don't get As, it's cause I really, really, really don't give a crap about the class, and even then it's usually a B. (Hey, lalalamort, maybe that's why everyone hates me! Probably not, since they're the ones that say I'm smart, even though I wasn't talking to them to begin with. Maybe they don't hate me. Maybe I just see it that way. Who knows?) There's no way I could make friends at my school though. It's a small town, and the damage is already done. (I'm basically just rambling to myself now. You can stop reading if you haven't fallen asleep yet.)

    And it never works when I try to be more social. I joined girl scouts in elementary, hated it, and quite. Same with the school band. I quite that just before 9th grade because I didn't want to do all the extra marching band stuff after school like football games (I refuse to support that kind of BS). I think high school band had more summer parades and stuff than middle school too. That, and I hated the teacher. I was also in Spanish club in 8th and 10th grade, but it was stupid because we hardly ever had meetings or did anything. Then I got a MySpace last fall. That's really pathetic even considering that a "social" thing though, since it's online and is supposed to be to keep in contact with pre-existing friends. The only people I added as friends are like six people that I know online from AOL. I don't dare let the people I know in person find ways to contact me online. I do enjoy the classmate finder for spying purposes, however. That whole site does depress me when I look at my "friends'" profiles and see that they have offline lives. My entire existence seems to be in cyberspace. It did get a little better when I stopped going to those social anxiety message boards and wallowing in self pity (like I'm doing now!) as much though.

    I'm not really as angry as I seem in some of my post. I'm mostly just sad and empty feeling. Even though this is just a bunch of self-pitying crap, it does feel good to get it out, even if no one could give two shits about it. I can't just go and talk about myself to people that I actually know. I have no "real" friends, and I can't talk to my family because they would either send me to a psychologist or tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself. Heck, I usually don't even talk about myself online.

    I'm done now. Sorry for wasting everyone's time.
     
  4. Smelly Socks

    Smelly Socks is probably lurking

    I'm sorry you feel this way.

    I've learned the hard way that nothing anyone says to you will make any difference. I think I have borderline personality disorder, and I am slowly getting over it on my own. I think. Who knows. Maybe I will just regress back into it.

    Anyway, it doesn't seem like you have no personality. You have 4,301 posts. You couldn't have that many posts unless you have something to say and have you rown opinion. And what is a personality besides a bunch of opinions?

    Sometimes I feel like I have no personality. I only have one person I hang out with. You are not the only one who has these problems. You could look up schzoid support groups on the net. Maybe they could help you?

    I wish I lived closer to where ever you live. I would totally hang out with you. Crazy people are the only people worth talking to.

    Sorry I couldn't be of more help.
     
  5. zeppelin kid

    zeppelin kid Member

    What you are experiencing is reality. Most people don't experience that until they are in their 30s or 40s when they finally see that life isn't about being social in my opinion. Life is a struggle that every person needs to adapt to and as you get older you have to keep your head up and keep going.
     
  6. ada_me

    ada_me Guest

    I lived happily as a schizoid for 34 years, and yes I'm 34 years-old software specialist, programmer woman. Although I'm not diagnosed as a schizoid by a doctor, I have all the features of an Overt Schizoid according to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid#Akhtar.27s_phenomenological_profile because I have all the features of an overt schizoid. I'll never go to a doctor so that I don't have any problem with myself, I don't feel lonely I prefer to be alone to do my projects, to make my dreams, aims come true. Also I know that doctors will try to make me a normal person by giving me brain-dumbing medicines as they try to make normal people like schizoid as having aims, selectivity, and not wasting time with empty speech, and other activities.

    I have all the features of an overt schizoid. I don't like talking, and wasting time by talking or social activities although I have spend time for sociality. Normal people thinks that life is a sum of going to work to earn money/ to get a job in the future to have education as a student, then spend all of the rest of the day by spending time with other people, never be alone with yourself, listening to yourself, setting an imagination of your future in your mind and working for it, and they admire people who can do that.

    I don't need anyone. I'm not interested in being a part of a group / a family / a new family being a wife, and mother. I'm not interested in marriage when I was even not 10-years-old. Although I feel and live as 17, I'm still full of energy, joy, enthusiasm, and curiosity, and desire to experience new things am colourful as 17's. Because of being like that people are attracted to me. Green and IllusoryFreedom, you are the same as me but the difference is that you are negative, and I'm positive. So the aura around you is negative, and people feel it. We have shared features but look what words you and me used for the same situations. Also when I was at around your age, I was mostly listening to my friends, understood and felt their problem, happiness as I had experienced, and said something. They felt happy with me so that they found someone who thought that they were special and worth to listen to them. Also when they have some problem or confusion, I said solutions, and helped them. So although I do not spent much time speaking to them, I made friends by listening to them mostly. But of course our relationships were not the same, and close as their friendship with others whom they speak mutually. Our friendships were ended as the schools such as primary, elementary, high schools and university are ended. I listened to them very carefully as it is one of my features, I am really a good listener, and have a high empathy. I was not happy when I told them something, and they didn't listen to me as me, and they didn't try to help me when I had a problem. So they weren't real friendships, they weren't mutual, and preferred them to be ended. Because I want what I give them. So after having the same result many times, I couldn't bear it, and did some changes in my personality. If a person deserves my friendship, he/she can be my friend. I'm not dying to have friends. If someone will come to my life to be my friend, he/she will be welcomed happily. My doors are open but I am not waiting in the doorway wasting my time in the case of someone will come.

    I had negative features as the bad news in the news channels, and the newspapers effected me deeply and I couldn't do anything just being sad for them. I also wanted to help just others, ignoring my and my life. When I needed help, no one was around. I had really really terrible problems, no one helped me, even offered me to help. If I was a normal person as not having the power that schizoidity gives me, I'd be dead years ago; I'm not exaggerating. Then I stopped, and worked on me, and got rid of those harmful features. Now I'm not following the news except health and science/technology not to waste my time. The me in the past and the me now are quite different so I even changed my name officially.

    IMHO, Green and IllusoryFreedom, you are Covert Schizoid according to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid#Akhtar.27s_phenomenological_profile . I think, your main problem is not admitting your personality-'schizoid features', being not satisfied with yourself, arguing with yourself, and trying to be like normal people although normal people want to be brilliant, successful and cheerful as you. First, you should accept yourself, be friend with yourself, and find your aims in life in the feature, and work for it. You were born having those features to make a difference in life, as Einstein, Newton. You should realize it, and work for it. If you are aware of yourself, power, features, and be confident of yourself, then you will have an aura, and people feel and see it, they'll be attracted to you. I'm saying those considering my life, although I was not searching for friends. They tried to be friend with me but we have nothing shared. They just want to spend time to speak about nothing because of my being brilliant, colourful, cheerful, and happy all the time in spite of problems in my life, feeling my aura.

    The people you're trying to connect are normal people, and how are those normal people? They like to waste all of their time by speaking about nonsense, nothing. This is stupid, you know, and you are trying to be like them, stupid. The people whom you will be happy to be friend are people like you who shares same interests, and want to talk about something that you want to talk about. You'll meet them while you are working on a project as a group member in school or in a club, or later in your working life. And last of all, if you want a spouse, you'll meet him/her while you are working on something.

    This paragraph is for Green. Woman likes men who listen to them carefully, and understand, who are emotional, strong, and feel and think deeply as a philosopher, and who have a well-paid job. As a schizoid, you can be popular for women but you shouldn't try to waste your time by trying to find a girlfriend/woman. You should try to find on which job you are talented in your future, and try to be the best of you on that. Meanwhile, a philosopher will grow inside naturally as spending most of the time with yourself, and your enhancing yourself when you are not satisfied with one of your features. Do not let yourself make you feel unhappy, desperate, and disappointed.
     
  7. PurpByThePound

    PurpByThePound purpetrator

    i'd hang out with you man
    not because i'm trying to be nice, but because i was a similar way in high school

    i've unfortunately stewed in the same mindset i started building and have become a raging asshole at times and a pathetic turd at others

    best bet is to just do something constructive - seems like you are doing that. but pretty soon you're gonna want to fuck something, and it's pretty hard to fuck things if they're running away from you.
     
  8. walsh

    walsh Senior Member

    Wow. Astonishing post. This is exactly how i'm feeling right now. I'm getting more attracted to the notion the normals call "going astray". To them, this means loss of potential future self-gain; to me this means separating yourself from the bullshit expectations others have put into you. And it's all put onto you - every worry you feel and every pang of anxiety is you judging yourself by the standards of others.

    Every chance I get, I try to get the fuck away from all signs of people and spend time alone. Doesn't matter where - a park, forest, mountain, beach. It's basically the only reason I'm alive, I would seriously go crazy if I had to live by the code of the rest of humanity. And it's not so easy to avoid doing that - it's like when you're around others their stupidity rubs off onto you, telepathically. Learning to sweep away the bullshit of others totally and completely from my mind, is my primary goal at the moment.

    Question ada - how did you get diagnosed schizoid? This table fits me incredibly well, every single trait http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid#Akhtar.27s_phenomenological_profile
     
  9. ada_me

    ada_me Guest

    I'm aware that I'm different than others so searched for personality disorders and found that I'm schizoid.
    As I'm older and experienced what you're suffering from and other's trying to change steadily, if you do what I said you'll happy. You cannot make an apple an orange. Otherwise apple would crash as you'll suffer from psychological problems, and be sad and unsatisfied person if you try to be a normal person.
     
  10. ada_me

    ada_me Guest

    Normal people thinks that life is a sum of going to work to earn money/ to get a job in the future to have education as a student, then spend all of the rest of the day by spending time with other people, never be alone with yourself, listening to yourself, setting a imagination of your future in your mind and working for it, and they admire people who can do that.

    The people, who are criticizing you, never look into himself/herself and try to enhance himself/herself. So they'll keep being a donkey forever but saying others that they are donkey. Confucius said that What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others.

    There are 3 groups of people
    A special and selected group who creates something
    A bigger group who watches how the 1st group creates something
    An enormous group who lives not knowing what happens...

    And we are in the 1st group...
     
  11. Pressed_Rat

    Pressed_Rat Do you even lift, bruh?

    You're just smart. Smart people are often different and not very sociable.

    I used to think I was schizoid, then I realized I am avoidant. I've never been diagnosed, but I know that's what it is. I think marijuana has had a lot to do with it.
     
  12. ada_me

    ada_me Guest

    I was suffering from sleep problem and keeping concentration. So I went to a psychriatrist. He gave me a medicine for major depression. I also asked him if I were schizoid. He said No. He said that schizoid people were lacked of excitement, didn't use their hands while speaking, and didn't make plans for future.

    I don't like wasting time and speaking nothing.
     
  13. ChronicTom

    ChronicTom Banned

    I don't know how many of you have been around here for any length of time... except for PR of course... He will recognize this I am sure...

    Most of those that seem most vocal and open around here (hipforums), you will find have said very similar things to what you have.

    The one common fact amogst most of us around here is that we do not fit in with 'normals'... we also don't fit with each other, except that we have more in common with those here then the normals.

    For all those who consider themselves the quiet types who don't talk to people as a normal thing... stop hiding it... Be who you are and be fucking proud of the fact that your mind doesn't work like most peoples, because most people are useless pukes...
     

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