Salt flower by the ocean

Discussion in 'Writers Forum' started by silvertabby, Mar 10, 2008.

  1. silvertabby

    silvertabby Member

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    What do you think? It's the first sex scene've writen, bout 10 mins ago

    The blond woman with red lips did not care what people thought. That was the only reason she followed him in the little shed, he knew, or was it? the way her hips moved in the light of his torch, made him shiver. He wanted to kneel her…how he did! But he had to wait.
    He watched her sit down on a roll of rope and pick at her skirt. He didn’t sit down, he continued pacing around her.

    ‘Stop it! ‘ she snapped. ‘Stop doing that. You give me a head ache’

    ‘You give me a heart ache so we’re even’

    He watched her throw her head backward and laugh. It was a maniac sound and a oddly obscene view. It made him lose control, it made him act desperate. He wanted her so deeply, he had to feel her thin lips on his, to bite her…to kiss her. To over power her, but he couldn’t and he realized that it was exactly what she was doing to him/. She was playing. She saw him as a toy. A pretty boy in her wake…she liked to torment him.. she loved the feeling of his obsessed eyes on her body. But that’s what she was….a pervert.

    Her face dancing in the moon light as she came closer…As her lips touched his, he saw thoughts whirling around shattered bits of the last stain of logic…She could be his grandmother…She was playing with him and he couldn’t resist her…it was her kissing him. But all logic was gone…and her mouth tasted of chocolate.

    Her hands were tangling in his hair. His muddy hands moved up and down her body in the black skirt.

    He dreaded the moment when she would broke apart. He feared she would dress up , laugh and leave. Her laugh that shattered his heart and broke into his mind. She was controlling him, at this moment she could feel his thoughts and step on his dreams up to his mind, possessing him. Now his mind held only her.

    He turned her over and pushed her onto the wall, crunching her body with his. So forcefully until she let out a soft moan. He was sure she’d played it. He wanted to make her moan for real.

    His hands slid blindly to the buttons of her blouse. Her hands, with long red nails rested on his shoulders and her red lips twisted in something which was more a smirk than a smile. But it did not matter. He knew she wanted him, in the dark of that night. Only for once. He knew why and it didn’t make him proud. It was because he was young.

    He pushed her down to the floor trying to make that thought go away. He started kissing down her neck.

    Her hands were slowly taking off his T-shirt, her moves so practiced, it was part of a routine that had been carried on for ages. He was not the first or the last, nothing made him different from the others. He was just another boy…Just another toy she would use, get bored of and then throw away. There was no difference. But he couldn’t stop.

    She smelled of chanel cinc, and her hair barely reaching her shoulder was soft to touch. Like an angel…but this woman was anything but an angel. She was the devil himself. But her taste and her moves could not be equaled by any other woman. She was more than a woman…she was a monster.

    He felt her hands on his jeans. Going up and down…not to quckly and not too slowly…

    Only her hands showed the true age and shattered her mask. She was human. But when these hands started unzipping his jeans he forgot he had seen wrinkles on them.

    And the hands were followed by lips. She leaned down and kissed his pale skin, leaving behind a red stain of lipstick in the shape of her lips.

    He then took her black lingerie off and buried his head between her large pale bosoms.

    Now he was inside her. And he pushed and pushed up and down, wanting to hurt her wanting to make himself different from the others. With every throw he was closer to paradise, higher and higher he took her…or was it her taking him?. They were united but they weren’t like one. The pleasure drew closer they got upper and upper….until he abandoned himself to it surrendered. For a moment the sky with the stars fell on them and she screamed. Yes he heard her scream. She had liked it.

    Up she got up from the floor put her clothes back on and a blanket around her and she opened the door and left back where she had came from. But before she left, silently like a thief…she stood above his sleeping form and she caressed his cheek with her fingers. She tucked him in and left. Looking back for only a second, nobody would know, before she closed the door behind her and stepped into the cold night air that smelled of salt.

    And the words nobody would remember…he dreamed he’d heard her say…’Good night, my love.’

  2. dirtydog

    dirtydog Banned

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    Needs a little work. I'll mention some picky little things, because if there are ten little things wrong it tends to add up.
    'followed him in' should read 'followed him into'.
    'He wanted to kneel her' should read 'He wanted to make her kneel'.
    'a oddly' should read 'an oddly'. The rule is that 'a' is replaced by 'an' when the first letter of the following word is a vowel.
    'qukly' should read 'quickly'.
    'With every throw' should read 'With every thrust'.
    'Yes he heard her scream' should read ' 'Yes!', he heard her scream.'
    Use of ellipses ('...'): Probably in most of the cases above the ellipsis should be replaced by a comma. I'm not sure that that's gospel truth. A grammar text could settle the question.

    In general, not bad. I wouldn't mind being one of the players in your scene. For some well written erotica, see Henry Miller's book, "Sexus".

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