Rollercoaster

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by CrystalShip, May 9, 2007.

  1. CrystalShip

    CrystalShip Member

    Hi there, this is my first post here but i have been reading these forums for quite a while, was being a bit lazy to register :D

    Anyway here is the thing..
    I met this girl last year in highschool, it was love at first sight (atleast on my part). So one day I decided to approach her introduce myself...
    (You have no idea how hard that was for me, since I never really approached a girl before, I always knew whoever i wanted to date before and I never really had a GF, and the ones I dated were just for fun, nothing i would call a relationship)
    Anyhow after that we became "friends" , a couple of weeks later I asked her out and she said yes.. I was like YESSS !!! haha , didnt say that out loud ofcourse :D..

    Then the day came when we were supposed to go out, and I called her to see when she is ready so i could swing by and pick her up...She said that she couldnt go out today cuz she was studying or something of that sort (cant remember really) so I was cool about it and said np we can do it some other time..that moment i just sensed that she might have regreted saying yes in the first place..

    Excuse after excuse, and the day finally came when she called me herself and said she was sorry about all that and she was ready to go out whenever i wanted..I was overwhelmed with joy and happines that moment.
    We dated for like 2 month and we were both very happy and or atleast i thought so, then again I got the feeling one day that she was reluctant about the whole thing when she started again with the excuses, not answering my calls..etc.
    At that point I just had enough of this rollercoaster, and decided if this was to be resolved the only way is to talk about it face to face, but since that she kept avoiding me so i settled for having the conversation on the phone.
    After an hour of trying to get her to open up to me and to tell me whats wrong and asking her if she just wants to break up and never see me again and that I would totally understand (she kept denying that there was anything wrong and said, I do want to see you again..)
    She finally started talking, apparently she had an abusive boyfriend from another country where she lived before whom she loved so much (he was her first) and she broke up with him before coming here and that was a year ago when we first met....and she never mentioned him before to me :\
    Well upon hearing that from her, I really was devastated in every sense of the word, I just couldnt even imagine the idea of someone hurting her..I loved her so much :(

    We were still talking and I was trying to be supportive as much as I can , and she kept saying that we can only remain friends and she doesnt want to get hurt again...
    I just tried to tell her how much I loved her , and that I would rather shoot myself anyday before even considering the thought of hurting her emotionally or physically...
    But she wont change her mind , so after a 3 hour long phone call I realized that this it and I might never see her again or hear her voice.. so I just respected her wish and told her if she ever reconsiders i will be there for her and hung up...I did burst into tears after that :S

    From that day I went downhill, good old depression had me for the whole summer vacation and I atempted suicide...But thankfully i finally started to get over it less than a year later from the break up..

    And I would still talk to her online but never on the phone quite alot , and I accepted that being just friends is the best solution.. Although she kept dropping signal or hints or whatever you call it .. like I need to see you, i miss you so much ..etc. I never inteneded to meet her again , I just kept avoiding her invitations to meet her, pretty much like she used to do with me...
    Until one day, we were talking online , about drugs and such (I just smoked hash for the first time the other day and we were talking about it)....and she said that she would love to try it (hash) with me someday too, I didnt think she was serious about it at first and I knew she would bail in the end since she never did any kind of drugs and if she is gona try something like that why the hell would she try it with me for the first time.?...
    So I decided to play along BUTTT subconsiously I think I thought that I might get her back, so bought the stuff and asked her to meet me somewhere and went to pick her up ...
    Surprisingly I found her there waiting for me.. picked her up and smoked in my car...
    Note that: I didn't have a driver's licence or registration, it was only my 2nd time to smoke hash and I NEVER even smoked plain old ciggarettes before or anything, the 1st time smoking fucked me up pretty bad but it was awesome , and ofcourse i have no idea how to roll yet so i went to friend first to roll the stuff up for us (me and her)...I was really scared..

    So we smoked, I got so high that I started talking to ppl who werent there.. but she didnt seem to get that much high (I guess thats because I never smoked anything before hash, and she was a heavy smoker)..
    And I started touching her, like holding her hands and stuff , and tried to kiss her but she drifted away and it was awkward for a few minutes after that, but I just started laughing and she did too..

    Couple of hours later I was sober enough to drive , so i drove her back her home and went back home and had a nice sleep.
    Woke up the other day thinking about nothing except how I tried to kiss her and she drifted away and how i felt like shit that moment, and i started to get the old feelings back after I got over her :\

    And now I think she is a bit different when talking with me online since that day, I don't know wtf i had just done, did I ruin our friendship? or what? I mean GOD!! what does she want ..? I cant figure it out.

    Sorry for the enormous wall of text hehe, I just had to vent it out...any replies would be appreciated :)
     
  2. i don`t know what to say. if it were the old me (the one who still had emotions) i wouldn`t be able to control persuing the person or not, i`d be waiting forever. but sometimes you have to cut your losses. you should cut all contact, because it`s not letting you move on. - with her back and forth stuff..
    whether she is worth it or not, you cannot know. tell her "all or nothing", and you aren`t playing games - you genuinely can`t keep doing this.
     
  3. CrystalShip

    CrystalShip Member

    Yeah I was thinking the same thing, either cut her off totally or another confrontation and then cut her off...I dont think I will confront her though cuz it might cause me more damage than her.

    Thanks for the reply :)
     
  4. mlee27

    mlee27 Member

    get over her. you only knew her few months and u tried to kill yourself???/ get yourself right before u try to care for someone else.
     
  5. CrystalShip

    CrystalShip Member

    You have no idea how many times I heard that, and you are right in way..
    But Iam sure you know how hard it is with your first true love and all... Other girls I have dated before like I said were just for fun or waisting time, I did care about them but obviously not as much as this one..

    Oh and btw I forgot to mention that after the breakup and me going into depression, I almost failed to graduate from Highschool, skipped alot of classes and ended up at the most shitty college ever! (I always planned on going to Med school) so I guess that whole atempt of suicide was building up not just from her...
    But yeah its nothing i will ever consider doing again
     
  6. heart2heart

    heart2heart Banned

    At the onset, you would know whether the girl is interested with you. If your gut feel is that she isn't, then chances are you are correct.


    _____________
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  7. heart2heart

    heart2heart Banned

    At the onset, you would know whether the girl is interested with you. If your gut feel is that she isn't, then chances are you are correct.

    ________________________
    Abigail

    2007 Chrysler Sebring Sedan by Chrysler USA
     

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