Hello everyone, I've always been a slightly jealous person, but in a healthy way, I've never caused scenes or anything. I just stated from the beginning that I wanted the relationship to be monogamous and exclusive, that's it. Nevere questioned partners on where they had been, what they had done, bla bla. What's more, I've always made fun of my friends when they were jealous of their ex's pasts. I was always saying: "Come on, how can you be jealous of what is gone... the past is the past!". Ooh yeah. Then came my new relationship, with a wonderful, totally-committed, loving and caring person. I have nothing to worry about. Until one day an old picture casually came up - a kiss with a previous partner. I blushed, felt fire on my face and blood boiling in my veins. The same expression, the same gestures I can see with my eyes when we kiss, applied to another person. A fit of jealousy like I'd never had before and I felt like a modern Othello. Geez, what should I do?
As long as you trust your partner you shouldn't have anything to be jealous about. You have to understand that they lived a life before they met you, as did you. Perhaps those photos should be stored somewhere so you don't see them. I don't think that's too much to ask but you have to accept that you aren't the first person they have kissed.
What the above poster said. Also be a less critical on other people if they're in situations that you haven't experienced. At least you acknowledge that you have become a hypocrite, now you can work on it.
Can you be more specific on the "having become a hypocrite"? I agree with what you say, I just want to understand it better in order to work on it. I know I'm not the first person on Earth to be retrospectively jealous, but it feels like shit.
By the way, of course we've both talked extensively about our past relationships and it felt alright. But when I saw that picture... I don't know what started in my head
Talking about something and seeing it are two different things. I'm one of the least jealous people that I know. I don't think it would bother me but I can understand how seeing a picture like that could upset someone that already has a slight jealous streak. I still think you need to accept that you both have a past and ask them to make sure the photo is put away somewhere that you won't have to see it.
Sure, I'll explain what I meant by becoming a hypocrite. I was referencing your original post where you stated you said you made fun of your friends for being jealous of their partner's pasts, and now you know how they feel and have the answer to your own question. The question to ask isn't how jealousy creeped up on you, it's why it did. Is it something your scared of? If the answer is yes, then how can you address those fears realistically with your partner? Only good communication with them can help you in this department. --- As for not being a hypocrite in general, you have to adopt a sense of being humble when you are with others. Don't evaluate yourself or someone's situation or think in terms of worthy/unworthy, inferior/superior, or say things like you are putting a label on them. If you approach people with a more compassionate perspective in life, I've found it tends to help one avoid becoming a hypocrite.
Some answers... 1) When I say "healthy jealousy", I mean the desire of being exclusive with your partner and asking for the same (since I'm monogamous). Maybe "jealousy" isn't the right term, but whatever. What I mean for "unhealthy jealousy" is what I felt when bumping into the picture of my partner with an ex. Especially because it was irrational and, yes, a product of some insecurities I have, especially the fear of making mistakes. 2) Ok, now I see what you mean with "hypocrite". As I mentioned "making fun of my friends", I wasn't *actually* laughing at them like Nelson from The Simpsons. It was more something like: "oh come on, are you serious? there's no need to be jealous of the past, etc." But I totally agree with you, and I need to exercise on being more compassionate, or rather more tolerant. 3) The reason why jealousy creeped on me is that me and this person live in different cities, so we can't be together all the time. And I don't think it's uncommon, when you start a relationship, to stil have some fears and doubts. I'm not a person who immediately gives trust to others, it takes me a while. But it's working out well. Talked with the partner about my irrational fits of jealousy (admitting it's my weakness, not putting it like an attack) and the talking was very good. I guess the only solution is to open up to each other.
She was kissing him with the same gestures and all. If you use nicknames, she has perhaps already used on you a nickname she used with another guy. When you're having sex, if you do, sometimes she has flashes of past men she has had sex with. And if she was a virgin before, she perhaps fantasizes you're a guy she had a crush on a while ago. It's human. We aren't clean slates. And we don't remember stuff on purpose. Sometimes my husband calls me by a nickname I've told him I used to call another man I've loved before him. It's a beautiful, sweet nickname. He knows past is past and how much I love him. Don't expect your girlfriend to be policing her brain all the time to avoid flashes of memories, smiles that beautify her lips when she remembers something good from her past with another man. These memories come uninvited and disappear just as fast. These men in her past contributed to make her this good person you're with, now. If you ever meet him, shake his hand. My husband met the man who taught me how to give head like a pro. When we left, he was laughing, saying he wanted to thank my ex, but kept it to himself. We still laugh about it. Jealousy is such a foolish thing. I've taught my man how to hunt women and get laid. And when he goes out to drink with his cousins, I remind him to leave his wedding ring in the drawer, home. He'll only live once. He'd better make the best of it.
