Resposibility of the Victim

First of all, I can't imagine the stress and anguish you went through testifying in court. Good for you for going through with it.

I too, would not or even could not hold somebody responsible for not speaking out. It must be one of the most terrifying, self-doubting things in the world to go through.

I do wish that I could contact this girl at the uni though, to tell her that she did the right thing, to thank her and to offer her a few words of support.

 

strangely, i bet she just wants everyone to forget, except to get this guy put away. support just made it worse for me. i never wanted to talk about it. it didn't for years. it still makes my skin crawl and it was 23 years ago.

 

Sorry, KC.

 

ah, well, you live. i don't even talk about it out loud. i hate it. this is the most vocal i've been about it since that time. these forums are a mighty catharsis for me.

 

Does it help?

P.S. Don't say, "ah, well", sweetie.

 

but i say it in real life.

it does help, but i still have a hard time talking about it out loud. my stepfather picked me up from school that day. it was a very difficult year for me, what with the divorce, new dad, new sister, drug addled brothers. i was ten. i was not popular. i remember the woman serving me the subpoena. she looked horrified. i was home alone, 10 years old, and said "i'm KC." i felt like i'd dome something horribly wrong. i was always so good, you know? my dad, he didn't talk at all, but he was respectful. it was respectful silence, not "i'm mad at you" silence. i still remember seeing this lady in front of a winchell's, said something drily funny about her, and my dad's rusty laugh.

the most horrible thing for me, was in the waiting area, where the kids are supposed to sit, we're anatomically correct dolls. i wanted to throw up. i wouldn't want ANYONE to go through that, but i live with extreme gratitude that i had the family i did, despite the problems.

wow, man, it still makes me very sad. i'd rather kill the person who hurts my child than have the system force her to go through what i went through.

 

Why is there a tendency to blame oneself?

I guess children do that a lot anyway.

 

This sounds like the best possible answer.

I never thought that the girl at the uni might not want support. Shows how little I know.

I know she may want to forget about it, but at the moment that's not possible. It's all over the national news and the front page of most papers.

 

it wasn't until this past school year i was able to stop fully blaming myself for what happened to my sister. she was raped 14-15 years ago, multiple occasions...she was only 7-8 years old, i was around 10.

 

Wow.

Sorry to hear, fitz. How's she doing?

 

Red. I've deliberately written my response before reading a single reply in order to not taint my own.

There exists ethical systems in which a victim must report abuse so to stop future abuse.

In fact, most of us would agree that such a course of action is appropriate if the same situation was phrased in a different manner.

I disagree, personally. Of course it is OK to remain silent.

 

she's doing good. we rarely talk about it or any of the other experiences she's had which have set me off...but she's doing good, focusing on her baby and looking forward to the future

 

Good.

Yeah, maybe talking about it is not the best thing. It's difficult for me to know.

 

i can understand that it would be embarrassing to tell people that you were victimized, but i think it has to be done

 

HAS to be done?

Why?

 

i had to talk about it...i may not have been raped/molested...but viewing it happen sure does fuck with the mind. i had ran from it for so long. it was a huge barrier for me to be able to get over. it took my sister telling me she didn't blame me + me talking to a school therapist over the course of the year

 

Damn, man.

Just hearing about it, makes me angry.

I just don't know if maybe people put too much pressure on "getting it out" before people are ready to speak, you know?

 

you can't force people to get it out, and i think trying to push that onto them hurts them and will make them reluctant to opening up in the future.

like i said, i got to the point where i had ran away from it long enough. my drinking + pain pills started back up again and thats when i had enough. that was about 2 years ago...so yea, long road to take.

i don't blame anyone for not speaking up...its extremely hard, and you can't pressure someone into speaking up.

 

I think in a way it is their obligation to come forth and report the crime. I know that if I were a victim of some sort of harassment I would definately want to report it for that reason, so that it doesn't happen again. I would hate to find out that anyone were the victims of a crime like that, because I could have prevented it, but didn't. Simple as that really.

I think that the one thing that does do my head in worse than sexual harrasment/rape/molestation etc is lying about it though. I knew a girl who lied about being raped, told some people she was raped, told others that she was just herassed, and then told some other people that she simple lost her virginity. That pisses me off. Everytime I saw that girl after that I just wanted to kick her face in.

 

Unless you've gone through it you can't understand. I thougth I was the strongest person in the world before it happened. I always thought women who didn't report must have had no self-esteem to begin with.
You feel dirty and humiliated and for a long time you feel like people look at you and know what happened.
Like KC said, it's psychological rape as well as physical. You feel like your voice can't be heard. Have dreams where you scream and nothing comes out. Where you try to tell people and can't talk. It's very emotional.