Relationships and trust

Hello everyone.

There is a little problem with my boyfriend that has been going through my mind. When he was in relationships before me, he was very faithful and never cheated. But when he was single he was VERY promiscuous (at least, compared to my standards), and could have a lot of casual sex without actually feeling any emotion for the other person. Had also threesomes and foursomes. But everything as a single man.

Me, I'm so different from him. Although I also have a high sex drive, it's only with him that I "get it off". And before him I've had... 2 sexual partners. I couldn't stomach the idea of a threesome/foursome, and I'm pretty sure that I can't handle casual sex. If there isn't some emotion, I just don't do it.

When we started the relationship, I told him that I'm monogamous, he agreed and said that he couldn't be anything else in a relationship.

One day, though, I found out that when I wasn't there, he was swapping messages with a couple "old admirers" on Facebook. The words were pretty "spicy", and there were also some pictures. To one of this people (an old ex, that he hasn't seen in years) he wrote: "there will always be a place in my heart for you". I got very upset and I told him. He said that his past is very heavy (he's going through therapy) and these are old habits, and he feels that with me they're growing weaker and weaker. And most of all, these messages are just like porn or fantasy for him, he doesn't feel any emotional bond.

Then I thought about the "place in my heart" - message and I was puzzled. I have to say that he's given me plenty of proof: when we're together, phone and Facebook don't exist and he even doesn't look at anyone else in the street. I can really feel he loves me, the sex is abundant and amazing. He's given me every kind of present, he always offers to pay, he massages me, he introduces me to family and friends, he plans holidays and weekend outings. When we're not together he keeps constantly in touch with me via texts or phone calls.

So, if I compare it, these "virtual people" occupy 1% of his time and I occupy the 99%. (even the "place in my heart"-message was a one-time-thing) Alright. Still, I'm worried that I can't be enough for him. I told him and he said that I'm way more than enough: I'm everything, and those people are just a meaningless fantasy. But I'm puzzled and can't come to terms with it.

I have to say that I'm a worrier by nature, and I don't give trust very easily.

 

I don't think it sounds like you have anything to worry about. It sounds like your boyfriend is fully committed to you and loves you.

As for the "place in my heart" comment. I don't think that's a big deal. My first love still holds a place in my heart and my husband knows that. It doesn't mean I am still in love with the guy or want to be with him. It just means he was a very important person in my life for a long time. I feel like if you genuinely love someone, REALLY love someone, you can't just turn that off. You can't stop loving them just because it didn't work out. I think it shows that your boyfriend has the ability to really love someone. Just because he loved this person in the past doesn't mean that he can't love you now. It just means he gave a tiny piece of his heart to that person. You have the rest of his heart. I really don't think its anything to get worked up about.

The "spicy" fb messages to other people? I'm not sure that I'm the right one to comment on this. I have different views than most people I think. I don't think messages are that big of a deal. I think intent is the real issue. Does he intend to act on his messages or are they just words? That is something for the 2 of you to work out.

 

Thanks RubySoho6, your words are very helpful. You see, I'm younger than him, so I might lack in maturity sometimes, and be afraid that everything leads to betrayal.

These people he swaps messages with mostly live very far away (I don't think there's a single of them in our country, everyone lives somewhere else). Some of them, he has never truly met; some of them he hasn't seen in years, but sure enough none of them is someone he can bump into when he goes to work. He has a lot of acquaintances all over the world, but a small circle of close friends. I reckon those virtual people are just fantasies, that's what he told me... But still, at times I feel insecure.
He reassured me saying it's purely something he does at home to unwind, just as porn. To which I have nothing against.

If I think about me, well, there is one single person from my past that I will never forget, and who will always have a place in my heart. But it definitely doesn't mean that I'd like to start a relationship with this person, not at all. I'm with him and I want no-one else. I hope the same is really true for him.

And what do you think about the past promiscuity? Something I should worry about?

 

You can look at it one of two ways. Once a slut always a slut or love will conquer all. Good luck

 

I would think his "intent" was shown when he sent the messages while his GF was away, so right there is an act of secrecy, how far would he have gone if not busted? depends if the intent turns fertile, maybe next time she is out of town? at the store? sounds to me like a calculated cheater..but maybe that is just me..funny how is phone, facebook, does not look anywhere else when he is with her..but as soon as her back is turned "the mice will play"..

sorry, but this is just my opinion..he could be prince charming with only good intentions but I doubt it.

 

The thing is, I've read this messages and... Not a single time they mentioned meeting, from none of the two sides. It was just an exchanging of compliments... Of course SPICY compliments, but if I have to think objectively about it, it's nothing more than what someone could think when seeing an attractive person down the street.
And I hardly think he will drive 500km or take a plane to meet these people for a quick shag.

Oh, I forgot to mention that he usually works overtime (sometimes very late in the evening) in order to get free days for when I'm in his town. I mean, it would be very stupid to do such things and then cheat on me...

The reason why he is going through therapy is that he had a dreadful childhood, with no recognition whatsoever from his parents, on the contrary: they put him down a lot. Hence, he's always tried to look for recognition outside, and the compliments about his body can be a part of it.
I understand that and I'm even willing to help him through this process, but I'm still puzzled...

 

"The "spicy" fb messages to other people? I'm not sure that I'm the right one to comment on this. I have different views than most people I think." --> what's your view?

"he sent the messages while his GF was away" --> well, much worse if I'd been there, no? (by the way, I'm his boyfriend)

 

I really don't think you have to worry about these virtual people that live in different countries. I don't think they pose a threat to your relationship but if it bothers you a lot then you should talk to him about it. Communication is key to a good relationship.

You can't judge someone on their past. If he was promiscuous in the past that is HIS past. That has nothing to do with you. The only part you need to be concerned with was if he was having safe sex. That is the only part that could effect you in any way. You said he was promiscuous when he was a single man. You can't fault him for that. He has committed to a monogamous relationship with you. You have laid out the ground rules. You have to trust him unless he gives you a reason not to in my opinion.

I'm going to respectfully disagree with you. I don't think a few racy messages to someone means he is going to cheat on her. They are just words. It's like interactive internet porn. Unless he was working out ways to meet up and have sex behind her back I don't think its that big of a deal.

 

and yes, it could be just "racy" messages..key word "could"..

if he is in a commited relationship, why is he sending messages? do you think he is masturbating to the interactive internet porn? meaning messages to former flings?

"oh baby, you so fine in that cardigan, picture #41...I am so glad we are friends on FB, it is almost like real life..I can remember your smell, did you ever get that cleared up?


does it change now that the "she" is a "he"?

 

Without putting too much out here, and you're too new here for me to private message you, I think racy messages or texts to someone that you are hundreds of miles from can be harmless unless there is intent to act on them. When you are able to private message I will get more into that if you would like but its not really something I want to put out for the world.


My apologies. I think I referred to you as a she also.

 

As far as I'm concerned the he or she doesn't matter in a relationship. Relationships are the same, doesn't matter the gender of the people involved..

if he is in a commited relationship, why is he sending messages?
Because flirting is fun. Who doesn't like to hear compliments? He probably hears them from his boyfriend all the time but sometimes its nice to hear them from other people too. Honestly, I think its harmless but I do understand that if it causes problems in the relationship then its something that needs to be addressed.

 

LornaDoom... Of course they are complimenting about their bodies in a sexual way, and not about their clothes.

He sures masturbates to porn, like 99% of men on Earth, but with these messages, I don't think so. And mind you, it's not like he's endlessly doing it, say 5 minutes every now and then? Certainly not on a daily basis.
Thing is he's known these people for a while (half of them not even in the flesh) and their relationship is based on that kind of comments. I strongly wish he stopped doing that (and well, at least he's been doing it less and less frequently, and he hasn't added any new person in the last couple of months), but on the other hand I can't possibly tell him to remove his friends. I don't want to be a dictator.

"if he is in a commited relationship, why is he sending messages?" --> that's what I'm asking to myself, and I think the answer is in his childhood, reason why he's going through therapy. Myself, I've had a perfectly happy childhood, with lots of recognition and love. I don't think I can fully understand what happens when you get none of this.

 

And I would like to stress the working overtime thing... If he cheated and still did that, I think that would make him much more of an idiot than me, but hey

 

Ok..so you busted him on a few of these messages on FB..simple, flirty, messages..that is cool..did he say that was the only messages?


The other question should be:

What are the messages you havent seen? Do you feel you can honestly trust him? Have you caught him any lies or deception before?

So, you are gay and he is Bi? or are you both gay?

I feel like Joey Greco

 

Erm, actually we're both bi males, and these messages were to other men.

Ok, I guiltily admit that I stalked a little bit. On his computer there were just these messages on Facebook, on his phone there was something on Whatsapp from a couple of FB people (the same who sent the messages).
What comforts me is that they never talked about meeting. What troubles me is why he does it all the same.

When I'm with him, I fully trust him. I feel safe, and he's told me so many private things that it would be crazy to show such a vulnerable side to a person you are going to cheat on.
When I'm away from him, I worry. Like now. Also, we constantly chat on Facebook, so with the map thing I can even know where he is, but... I don't know.

I mean: you introduce someone to your siblings and to your friends, you show him your most vulnerable side to him, you pay for flights when he doesn't have the money to visit you, you spend weeks looking for a series of Christmas presents for him, you even give him the keys of your apartment. It's an endless series of proofs that he loves me and trusts me to no end.

Still, because of these messages, I can't get to fully trust him.

 

I guess you just gotta be honest in how you feel..look him in the eye and have him promise you or something like that..

 

What kind of promise do you mean?

I've looked him straight in the eyes and said: "I'm afraid I'm not enough for you". He put his hands on my face, looked straight into my eyes and said: "You are the only one, I'm madly in love with you and I don't want anyone else". And there were tears in his eyes.

As cheesy and touchy-feely as it may sound from the outside, I think he would be the devil in person to lie about such a thing, and even cry.

I've talked about one of his friends about my fear, and this guy asnwered that my bf doesn't stop talking about me and that since he met me, he's doing so much better than in the past.

Still, there's a little voice in a corner of my mind, saying: "be careful!"

 

I agree with a lot of what's been said in this post. It's not the racy messages that would bother me, it's the secrecy. Yes, everyone has secrets, and this is up to everyone's individual discretion. Everyone has different views of what's cheating and what isn't. In MY opinion ( I'm not stating this as fact), if you're doing anything that you have to hide from your partner, then you shouldn't be doing it. Whether it's messages or actions, if you have to be sneaky about it, then you shouldn't be doing it. That being said, I'm not going to judge anyone else either way. In my eyes, when I love someone, I don't want to do anything that might break their heart. I know if I caught a partner being sneaky, it would break my heart.

I don't think any of this means you have to break up with your boyfriend. It just sounds like you need to have a talk about honesty, expectations, and communication.

 

*MAMA*, I completely agree with you. It's the secrecy, that's what bothers me. And, on my side, I haven't done anything that I should keep as a secret to him. But, unlike him, I'm not seeing a therapist and I don't come from a difficult childhood (which, I'm learning, marks you forever).

Also, yes, I hate the secrecy. But what if he came to me and told me: "oh you see, today I've spent 5 minutes swapping "racy" messages with this guy"? That would be even worse, I guess.

 

In my opinion, if he wants to swap racy messages, then he needs to go be with someone who will allow him to do that. If he wants to be with you, and you have already decided this is something you are not ok with, then he either needs to stop or move on and be with someone that is ok with what he's doing.