Wasn't sure whether to post this in mental health or relationships. my girlfriend is extremely depressed. she finds it extremely difficult to get out of bed, eat, shower. we find it extremely difficult to leave her one room flat when i visit her and she is unable to make the journey to mine. This has been slowly worsening for months and has reached a worrying degree recently. needless to say our relationship is under a great deal of pressure. my patience is not what it was, when she snaps at me now i often argue back and get very short with her. we argue over things. i don't mean to, i understand that she isnt herself and doesnt mean the things she says to hurt me, that i am just the one closest to her and that she attacks me sometimes to vent her frustrations, but i am just emotionally drained and am not in the best of states myself for dealing with this. often she just says things that arent even aimed at me but are just so suffocatingly negative that i end up arguing with her just because i find it so hard to hear her talk like this. she won't go and see anyone about it, although i keep asking if she will. i am completely out of my depth, i worry about her a lot. I have no idea what to do, I am completely unable to affect her mood. has anyone else ever been on either end of this kind of experience? i would really appreciate any advice. I don't really have anyone else i could ask.
Sorry that this is happening. This thread has some info that may be useful for treating depression http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=485960&f=385 You might want to visit www.suicideforum.com Folks there will likely have a lot of experience with similar issues, and may know about UK-specific resources. You could post in one of the relationship/advice/non-crisis forums about this. It's a difficult situation. Ideally you can guide her to some kind of effective treatment. It's important to realize though that you can't necessarily change someone. It's common for people in similar situations to break up. Then the depressed partner threatens/gets suicidal or self-destructive. Then the partner who left feels guilty, or stays trapped in a relationship that makes them completely miserable. The ideal thing is if the problems get fixed, but it doesn't always work that way. It may be a good idea for you to see a therapist or relationship counselor about this even if she won't see one. Regular, gentle, aerobic activity is one of the things that is often very helpful for treating depression. Light activity that leads to only just barely breaking a little sweat may be ideal. So maybe you could get her to take a 30 minute brisk walk with you every day. If she's not on medications for depression, she probably should be. There's lots of problems with meds (dependency, for one), but if she's severely depressed, they may be necessary. Hope that this helps and that things can get better soon!
I am on some of these forums for Bipolar and depression and there is a lot of into on here. www.mdjunction.com I am bipolar and have suffered and still suffer from depression, my battle will never end but I am better. Your biggest problem is that she needs to decide/want to get help. You can only do so much. Go check out the site and there are places for family of depression and it can show you the other side. I know when I am down it is not easy to get up and do stuff but you need to keep trying. good luck
When you are the partner of someone dealing with depression, especially to the degree it is dominating their life, it is an extremely difficult position to be in. You have been given some good advice so far, so I am going to just add on to it a bit. First, and foremost, as mudlife said "she has to want help". If she doesn't actually want to try to do something about her depression controlling her life, there isn't much you can do about it. If she refuses ALL attempts at help, it may be time to think about how long you can deal with the situation. That doesn't make you an unfeeling jerk, by the way. You have a life to live too, and her depression should not take you down with her. (There is no nice way to say that) Understand, I am not suggesting you leave her. I am saying you need to think about your own emotional well-being as well, and may potentially have to make a hard choice at some point. Second, does she have any friends of family that you could talk to about getting her the help she needs? If so, talk to them. You don't have to divulge every private detail, just that you are concerned about your girlfriend and would like her to get some help. If she doesn't, several good links have been posted, and you can call most hospitals to inquire about mental health services in your area (many are free or low cost, if finances are an issue. "I can't afford it" is not a valid excuse, because there are SO many free and low cost options available. If not in your area, then by phone or online...although not ideal, they are better than nothing) Third, is it possible that she is using her depression as a method to control you, or as an excuse? (Before anyone flames on me, it does happen, and I have seen it many times. (I have a degree in psychology, and was a therapist, so I am not just guessing...I saw it often). Sometimes when a depressed partner sees their loved one slipping away, suddenly their depression is out of control, things escalate, and they cannot function. (Basically it is a form of emotional and mental manipulation to get what they want.) Now, I am not saying that IS the case, but you know your girlfriend. If she has no desire to get help, I would be wondering why.Yeah, it is hard when depression hits to want to seek help, but is she even expressing an interest in getting better (saying things like "I don't want to keep feeling like this" or "I wish I could find some way to make these feelings stop" ...you get the idea) Fourth, is she on medications as e7m8 mentioned? If she is she may need a change or dose adjustment. If she isn't perhaps a trip to a competent doctor would help her find something that could help with her depression. There are 100's of medications or combinations to try, so if she tried a couple and they didn't work....there are still a LOT of alternatives. If she isn't willing to use medications (and there are valid reasons why many refuse to use them) perhaps she would be willing to see a good therapist that deals with CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) that will teach her life modification skills to deal with depression, mood swings, stress, relaxation techniques, some even utilize yoga, etc. And finally, It is difficult to leave a depressed person, but you do have to seriously consider how much you are willing to do, and how long you can handle things before it starts negatively impacting you in ways that you aren't okay with. You being happy (at the very least not miserable) is important, and staying with someone who is constantly dragging you down becomes a toxic relationship. No one should feel obligated to stay when it becomes toxic. Make some calls, see if you can get some help for her, and for yourself, in how to help/understand her. If she won't even bother to try, then you are fighting an uphill battle, that most people aren't equipped to fight. I used to advice people in similar relationships to seek out therapy for themselves, so that they could understand what their partner was going through. It also helped them understand that they weren't bad people when they just couldn't do it anymore. Good luck. There are a bunch of wonderfully supportive online forums that will help you, and her if she wants it. I suggest using google (a good starting place is simply "depression forums") and reading through some until you find one that is a good fit for you, and your situation. Many people will understand how you feel, and what she is going through...and are typically more than happy to share their hard-earned wisdom with you.
Good post by His Eden. I'd be careful about talking to family members though unless she has a good relationship with them. :2thumbsup:
I would tell her that if she doesn't go see a doctor and try to get help, it's over. Try to frame it as you love her and want her to get help but you are not going to stay with her and watch her get worse. That's what my husband said to me and I got help for my depression. (I wasn't as bad as your gf though. She REALLY needs help.)
^ I've heard that ultimatums are generally a bad idea. They might work sometimes, but I suppose they could also backfire. I'd be careful with trying something like that.
I don't think I was ever in your exact same situation. But when I was younger... early to mid 20's... I had periods of mild to moderate depression. I wouldn't say it was ever severe or I was ever suicidal or unable to leave the house and things like that. And I'm not sure what you (OP) mean by sometimes she "attacks you" (out of frustration, etc.)--- if you mean physically I had never, way in the past, attacked my husband physically outta frustration when I was having a depressed period. HOWEVER... the similarities... sometimes I would go through periods of, as mentioned earlier, mild to moderate depression and I could be a total bitch in a way to him.. lashing out about dumb shit verbally just out of sheer and utter frustration. Not all the time or anything but we (as people) are often the meanest and take things out on the people we are closest to. My husband was always just here for me and I was here for him during his bad periods as well and the only things I can say worked and changed for me and for us was a mixture of two things. One and the most important thing I believe- (and you may not want to hear this), was time. Once I got into late 20's I pretty much just grew up and stopped worrying about stuff I couldn't change and stopped focusing on negative things and just learned how to deal with things and let go. I became much more mature and sure of myself and because of that just generally more calm. I haven't had a period of depression-even minor- in 5 years now. But the main thing for me really I believe is just that I grew up and learned how to deal with life better. The other thing that helped me was when ever I would take care of myself well.... eat foods that work FOR ME, against depression and anxiety and for all over health and wellness.... exercise... meditate, take time daily for gratitude (for a depression tip btw, I cannot suggest daily gratitude... actually taking the time to think about what you are grateful for, with or without writing it down, enough. CANNOT stress that one enough!), get enough sleep, etc.--- You'd be surprised how much better from a psychological standpoint someone can feel if they take good care of their self- both physically and mentally. But those are things she has to want, ya know? I don't think our situation was the same as yours. I don't think I ever just got worse and worse... but I do remember it in myself from the past at times. Time and taking care of myself were just the keys. Sure, medication or something may be needed with your gf. She may be much worse (more depressed) than I ever was. If I were you what I would do is talk to her... Explain to her how it is really hard on you having to deal with her being like that all the time. How you want to help her and it makes you feel sad and frustrated that you feel you cannot. And that you still want to help her but her negativity is starting to wear on you and bring you down.... and I would tell her you'd like her to try to do SOMETHING about it. For her sake and yours. I would be careful not to act like you are blaming her for feeling depressed... just that you want things to be better. Then maybe come up with some stuff I said or someone else in this thread said, or something you come up with, etc and give her some ideas and ask her what she'd like to try. Good luck!
Ultimatums rarely work out well. (I speak from personal and professional experience.) While it is great that it helped in your situation, it tends to backfire in more instances than it works. I agree that the OP should strongly suggest his gf get help, and that he let her know he is concerned about her because he loves her and it upsets him to see her sliding further down in her depression. However, saying "Get help, or it's over" forces a person to get help for YOU not THEM (if they even get help). It is likely to cause more issues than it fixes. There may come a point he does need to leave, but it should NEVER be used as a threat (and that is exactly what it would be, no matter how well intended, if he told her to get help or it's over).
Everybody is different, but the fact she snaps at you makes me think she isn't depressed. Not clinically depressed. I've suffered from clinical depression years ago and that leaves you in such a state, you won't snap. You won't react if someone points a gun at you. You're dead inside. You're too slow to snap. Again, everybody is different... Anyway, if what she has is clinical depression, she needs to see a psychiatrist. Even with treatment it is difficult to get out of it and without treatment, I can't see it happening... IF it is clinical depression. Could it be that she's just stressed about something? If that's so, giving her a little room might help. If you talk to her and come up with "easy" solutions, it may increase the gap between you, because the depressed person is just getting a confirmation you have no idea what she's going through. If she's depressed. My guess is that she's just stressed about something.
OP Here is a link about anger and depression: http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/15/4/271.full It may offer some insight as to why she lashes out at times, and is depressed others. From the article: "Anger has been thought to play an integral role in depression since the early stages of psychoanalytic theorising about this disorder (Busch 2004). The oversimplified concept of depression as ‘anger directed inwards’ was a commonly held belief over many years in psychiatry and gained a foothold in the broader culture. As will be described in much greater depth below, psychoanalytic theorists and clinicians have viewed anger as a significant source of conflict for patients prone to depression, triggering intense guilt and self-criticism. Identification of the often unconscious anger and its sources, including rejection and loss, leads to an increase in its tolerability and to diminished guilt and depression."
I can't offer any advice on the subject, but I wanted to ask, are things better? I know it's only been like a week since you made this thread, but I hope things are getting better.
hello everyone, i'd like to thank you all for your help, advice and kind words. I'm sorry but things have been very hectic and i haven't had the time to get on here and respond. Things have not improved much tbh, . the situation has worsened for me, I work a full day every weekday and chat to her on facebook when my boss is not looking, then i call her at lunch, then i call her on my way home, then we talk on facebook when i'm there. nothin i can do seems to be able to change her situation and it fact it seems to be worsening for her too, but i feel emotionally exhausted, theres no way for me to get the emotional space that i need in order to be able to help her. i am extremely unhappy at work at the moment and not in an ideal situation to be able to give her the support that she needs. I have become very anxious, i feel jittery and often quite nauseous when i consider the situation, i have trouble sleeping. to clarify a few things from my original post though: she has never attacked me physically, but she can become quite agressive when angry. Mosty though i tend to be collateral damage to certain extent, she's determined to insult herself and i try to argue with that and we end up at odds. she has also admitted that, being a proud person, she finds it unpleasant to rely on me as she does, and often finds herself pushing me away, but can't do so because she does rely on me. it never takes long after weve calmed down for us to apologise and make up, and its something that i am trying to take active steps to avoid in future- for example, mostly we fall into arguments because of our frustrations over what are really just misunderstandings, so we need to be clearer about what we say etc. a lot of people have suggested professional help. this is an avenue i intend to keep looking into, im finding stuff for her and suggesting it just so i know she has the option, and im making sure she tells her lecturers whats going on. this is going to be a difficult sell though. She has had some very bad experiences with this ort of thing both with doctors and with misprescribed Anti-depressant drugs, so there is an element of broken trust which i have to try and help her overcome, so its a slow process. yesterday i called the samaritans and i feel that that helped me a lot, although they are forbidden from offering actual advice it was good to chat to them. today i bought some herbal anti-depressant/anxiety medication that i'm gonna give a try myself while i look into getting someone to speak to in a professional context. I don't know what to do. I really feel like i'm running on fumes at the moment.
Advice along the lines of seek prof help / just talk to her ....didnt do anything, surprise surprise. And if/when you do work out its all just an act to get attention then what?
I don't think it's an act to get attention. The OP's girlfriend sounds like she has serious issues. And I don't mean it like "You got some serious issues, get help" I think that's the most insensitive thing to read when an OP is asking for assistance about themselves or someone else and someone just types that. I've seen it so many times in forums like this. Anyways, it's more like she sounds like she has serious issues and is really struggling to get a handle of them, as far as either terminating them completely or having coping mechanisms that deal with them. It's horrible when someone is that deep in mental illness. And I think it's far from just having serious issues and just getting help, just breaking up with the person with the mental illness, the person with the mental illness just doing it for attention, etc.
I don't know how to help you, but if you ever want to talk, as far as having someone to listen, just PM me. Though, I think talking sometimes is more work and you sound like you need a break. So, does your girlfriend. And I don't mean it in a breakup kind of up. That's up to you and her. But, I mean it in a break from your lives kind of way.
Thanks very much for the offer, for the moment i think you might be right but i do appreciate the thought. We both need something to relieve the pressure. My period of emplyment might be up soon leaving me with more free time and we were looking into the possibility of her deferring a year so she would be in a different class (theres a guy she'd rather avoid, me and him will be having words soon.) and have some time to recuperate in the meantime. Thats the only way i really see of improving the situation but its very, very difficult to bring that about for mainly economic reasons.
Hopefully, those changes will be for the better. Anyho, I'm here when you need me. And psh, when it comes to people with depression or other mental illnesses, everyone is picking on them. It's annoying. Hopefully, the talk you have with the the boy in her class that is bothering her will sort things out.
There is an herbal "incense" that is recommended by bob flaws in "Curing Depression Naturally with Chinese Medicine" called Lignum Aquilariae Agallochae. It also goes by a number of other names, such as Chen Xiang (which translates as "sinking fragrance"), Agarwood, and Eaglewood. You might want to try stopping by a Chinese herbal medicine shop and see if they will sell you a gram or two. Often the herb shops will not sell you anything unless you've got a prescription. Also, there are some herbs with similar names that won't produce the desired effects. There are some Chinese Medicine student clinics around London. They might give you a prescription if you ask. Also, you could also get other treatments there if they are cheap enough (I'm assuming that the NHS doesn't cover acupuncture or herbal medicine). So if you can get some, you basically smoke it. It's good to avoid butane with it (and sucking in butane fumes in general). It's supposed to help with irritability, depression, nervousness, anxiety, and insomnia. According to Flaws, "This Chinese aromatherpay with Lignum Aquilariae Agallochae is very cheap and effective. We know of no side effects or contraindications."
