Relationship with children's father

I'm a bit confused about what kind of relationship I should have with this man. I feel like I shouldn't be required to be friends with him. I'm sorry if he doesn't have friends but I can't be that person for him. I no longer have any compassion for him.

I'm also concerned about what I should allow in terms of his access to our children. Yes they are our children, but the things that happened between us and after we left would be considered unstable, abusive, and he's also an addict with mental health issues. I never went to the police about any of this, but there are things on record that didn't involve myself or the kids.

I am trying to let the kids have a relationship with him, but he insults my parenting, for the simple fact that I don't want to live with him again. He doesn't make a real effort to communicate with the kids but acts as if I'm keeping him from them.

His family told me after I left not to go back, not even just to let him see the kids. Once things were more stable with him and his family approved of him seeing them I went out there and let them spend time together. In all this time he has helped financially only once in the two years. He's been unavailable in terms of communication the vast majority of the time too. At one point I had to ignore him because he was threatening, insulting and being verbally abusive.

When we were together I would try to get him to parent, but at this point, I don't feel like I should have to encourage him to be active in his kids lives. I did when we first split up but it's been a long time, he still hasn't figured it out and I'm worn out. I have lots of other things to do.

He seems to think that being a parent can only happen when you live with your kids. He says he doesn't want to send money to the kids. I asked him to help or I will file for child support. Most people work those things out in the beginning of a split. I gave him a lot of time because I have compassion for him...but at this point I'm wondering how legal and official I should get with him.

If I fight for custody with no required visitation or supervised visitation, that would honestly make me feel more comfortable. I don't exactly trust that he is well, although he has seemed fine for a few months, it doesn't seem long enough. I could still take the kids to see him regularly, without being required to do so, which means he doesn't get to threaten me or demand things from me in terms of his relationship with the kids. It would also mean I wouldn't ask for child support, he'd be saying he basically wants nothing to do with them or that he trusts me to parent them fully to my discretion.

I wouldn't keep them from him at all, but I'd prefer that I was in charge of parenting solely. They would see him several months a year, as well as his family. To me this is win-win because he wouldn't have to pay anything, but also he wouldn't be in my hair about taking them to see him all the time, which I cannot afford to do.

Any advice or opinions?

 

I'll take a stab at this. It's tough to give advice in this situation for a few reasons. The first being that nobody really knows the whole story here. I don't mean that offensively at all. It's just that there is a lot of vagueness there.

So I will offer my opinion of a few things, having been through this myself. First, depending on your state, it will probably be very unlikely that you are going to get a court order that doesn't allow visitation on some level. When most people say "full custody", what they are referring to is actually joint custody with one parent being granted "physical care". Unless there are some very compelling reasons, this is how the majority of custody cases end.

Secondly, if you are awarded physical care the court is going to order child support payments (depending on your state) based on his income. The only way to avoid that is to have a deal done before the case goes to court. The court still has to ok the deal though. It may or may not do that.

Last...if you do go to court, you should keep in mind that a lot of the reasons that you're sure you should win are not going to matter at all. Many of them may not even be presented because your attorney knows better than to present opinion as fact. If you can't prove it, it doesn't matter. It's useless. For instance, you can say "I think he's mentally unstable." The court will want to know what proof you have of this. Not what your feeling was last week or what your mom heard about him. They want proof. Does he have a history of arrests, documented psychological incidents, etc? If you can't prove it, it doesn't matter. He can say "Well, I think she's the crazy one!" and the issue is dead.

So, you need facts. You need proof. You should be documenting everything in a journal complete with dates, witnesses, etc. Try to cut a deal you can live with before court because court is very expensive and there is nothing saying you are going to win. Best of luck.

 

Thanks for trying. I posted this because I want to work something out beforehand but I feel like I have to put a lot of effort into encouraging him to be a parent and to realize that his situation is not as bad as it may feel. It's very practical the way things are set up right now. He wants to be the victim though which means he doesn't want to make any effort and be able to blame me for everything. For instance he didn't do anything for the kids birthdays but for his birthday I made sure we made something together to send him.

Anyway, there is proof and facts. He has a record. He doesn't have anything official on his records in regards to what he did to myself or our kids because I was loyal and wanted to work things out. His family is realistic. They've helped me through this and I feel like they would be honest and be witnesses to what has really happened. This is all about the best interest of the kids. I want him to see them but I don't want him to have them overnights by himself.

I've been documenting things for years, starting around the time I was considering leaving. What I'm trying to say though is I know he'll try to fight me, which is ridiculous and I'd prefer to just have him be reasonable and help on his own and agree with me. It feels like to do that though I have to communicate with him in a way that feels excessive to me and I don't want him threatening me, like he has in the past because there is a history of emotional/manipulative abuse and I don't want to end up in a dark place like that.

I am much stronger now and it's possible he wouldn't be able to effect me the way he did in the past, but I don't want to test the limits either.

 

How old are the kids? I get the impression that they are young.