I need to know if I am blowing this up or if there is something I should be concerned about. 7 months ago, my Mother-In-Law scheduled a vacation and took my wife with her. Didn't ask me to go, didn't ask how it would affect things we had going on, just here is your ticket, we are leaving for a week. During the vacation, I called (8:30pm where they were) and my wife told me to not call, she would talk to me when she wanted to call me back. Now, I have been pissed and super angry for months now. I know that isn't healthy. Her reason was that she was at dinner and didn't want to talk.. Well, she could have just said that instead of treating me like the shit. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. Again, my mother-in-law bought my wife 2 tickets to a concert. This time she confirmed the date with me and I said I would go. Last night I found out that my wife never intended me to go and has known she was going without me since before the tickets were actually bought. My wife has been lying to me and had been working out going with her friend. Again, it isn't that she chose to go without me, it is that she completely lied to me about the whole thing and then said it was her mom that set all this up when I know for a fact that she had this planned all along for the last 3 weeks and just told me about it last night. I never lie. Ever. I don't hide anything and am also 100% completely truthful. Not even little white lies. Am I blowing this up or is this really the deeper problem that I think it is?? Any guidence would be helpful
It's hard to tell about your overall relationship from these two incidents. How long have you been with her? And how long married? Any kids? How's the sex? How is she outside of these two instances?
Some background.. Together 8 years married 6. No kids together. I have 3, we adopted a 15 year old homeless girl (3 years ago). Sex is almost nonexistant now. Mostly heath issues for her. Cancer, 12 surgeries in 8 years blah blah blah. She had major back surgery before we were together and sufferes from nerve damage and pain. Her mother interferes constantly. My wife also differs to her mother on everything. You name it. It has become pretty agrivating. From Paint color in our bathroom to shoes to everything medical!! Like I am nonexistant. Man, I am convincing myself this all sucks. Anyway, She has an extremely bad memory due to all the drugs prescribed, has not slept more than 2 hours at a time in 7 years.. Life goes on. Oh, menapause at 33 as well due to the cancer. So much different than the woman I fell in love with.
Well, any lie.....as small as it may be is a deal breaker for me, too......as if you lie about something insignificant you lie about everything, is my feeling.......but at the same time, your wife sounds like she is going through some major health problems......too.......and that could be affecting her greatly.......and she seems to need her mother right now maybe? Who knows.....It depends on how much you love her and how much you are willing to put up with, Iguess.......Mother in laws...classic.......classic hell for many, too...... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sclhVBsZiGo
I'm actually stunned speechless by this. I think you should forget about your two examples of annoying behavior on her part and consider what a trooper you and her have been together. These kinds of serious medical conditions and medications are going to cause some unfortunate behaviors. The stress alone . . . the way you said "12 surgeries in 8 years blah blah" . . . It's not "blah blah". You might want to consider talking to someone, individually or as a couple. I'd say individually first; it sounds like she has her mother for a major support, it feels like you are more alone in this.
I am really alone in this. I think that us the major issue especially with my examples and there are many more of the same. The medical issues become a passing thing when you have gone through as many as we have. Not any less worrisome, but just more commonplace.
I don't know what to tell ya but I understand where you're at. My ex and her mom are best friends and neither of them really have any other friends except for other family members. Once I married into the family, things definitely changed in a way that I wasn't expecting. They expect married couples to only do things with other married couples or family. Like....you aren't supposed to be friends with your friends once you get married. Her mom and grandma were always interfering with all kinds of things. It used to piss me off all the time. I loved my ex but half the time I secretly wished I never would have married her. There was common conflict because I would do whatever the hell I wanted and refused to live by what they thought was appropriate. Now they try to interfere with our two grown sons lives and it pisses them off too. If my son has his phone off and misses a text from his mom....by the time he notices the text, he's also missed 3 calls and possibly a few more texts asking why he isn't responding, if he's mad, if he still loves her, etc. Talk about insecure!! He was bitching about it to me a few days ago and I said "You know what....their family is like a cult! It really is!" He completely agreed. But I had custody of both of them so at least they didn't grow up completely surrounded by that shit. They both see it for what it is.
My wife is the great love of my life, my high school sweetheart, and grandmother of my grandchildren, but if she were treating me as you describe your wife's treatment of you I'd have a lawyer and a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage all ready to go before I even confronted her about it, and if she didn't get downright remorseful during the confrontation my next stop would be the courthouse. Dishonesty is the one thing I just cannot abide -- it means that I am useful for what I can provide but not worthy of even a modicum of respect. I'm not saying that you should get a lawyer and a petition ready. I'm not the one whose life will be forever affected by it. Only you can decide the course you will follow. My only advice to you is to be as carefully deliberate as you know how to be because this shit is as serious as it gets.
I wouldn't view the lying as such a black and white thing. Examine her motives - it sounds like maybe she is looking to get a break away from you? Do you usually give her a hard time when she tries to make plans without you? If so, maybe that is why she lied. Or maybe she just really does need a break and some time away from you and doesn't know how to discuss it with you.
I make sure I encourage her to go out with friends and make time to see them. Since we are both busy, we usually have to remind each other about things like that. For example, she has a friend whom she was supposed to meet every other week or so for lunch. That was 5 years ago. I keep reminding her to call and make plans, yet she never does. Since she takes care of her grandmother (suppers every night) we never eat supper together. We do have lunch together all the time. I am always encouraging her to just go with her mother to lunch or call her sister to meet her, but she never does. I encourage her to spend time away from me to talk to other friends. I whole heartedly support it. However, I did not get married to be alone. I got married to have a partner. In everything I do. Sometimes that means apart, sometimes together. However, I never lie to her about anything. If I am heading out for lunch with a friend, then that is what I say. Never cover up anything. I think if your capable of lying about little things, you are capable of lying about anything.
i wanted to post: u better remind that cancerous bitch who's putting up with her menapausing ass. im having a hard time wording it without being super disrespectful to your wife, so sorry.
It seems she's drifting away. Lying is never a good thing. No matter what the lie is. If you want this to work then, I'd suggest doing a bit of wooing. Make a nice dinner for you both, play some music, light some candles, be close and romantic. Make her feel beautiful, sexy and desired. After going through all of what she's been through, it's no wander she's acting out this way. I'm not saying it's at all right tho. It seems she's in need of someone who shares something with her. He mother being very close seems to be her target. If she's running away to someone else, even tho it is her mother, then my guess is she doesn't see her marriage as she once did. She married you for a reason so, I'd remind her of that reason After a few wooing tries, hopefully she'll come around again. Go do it!
Since my wife takes care of her grandmother we have not really had a supper together in years. She is a very simple kind of person as am I. Don't care for the whole romantic thing. Never did. She doesn't like flowers, she never listens to music anymore. With 4 kids in the house contstantly, personal time is uncommon. Sleep is more important than sex. However, Pengu, I will figure out a few things I might be able to do and try. One thing I must point out is that she has not gone a single moment through any of this alone. I have been by her side through all of it from day 1 and never miss a beat. I have been in the ER with her until 4 in the morning and still go to work, cook all the meals in our house, clean, do all the repairs and take care of our entire household. She hates the way I do laundry, so it is her only "chore" in the house.
It seems to me like you should be getting a whole lot more respect from her and from her mom. Counseling might be a good idea. If the marriage is making you miserable, you don't have to make yourself a martyr to it.
If you knew about her health issues and that she would be on mood changing meds then you either need put up with it and let it go or maybe get counseling for you if not the both if you. Whenever I complained to my good friend about my rx wife he would always say " you picked her". Worse case you could leave her. Not sure that is the answer. I would try everything before throwing in the towel. People do grow apart. I am just very greatful that I have a wonderful wife who I can talk to about anything. Maybe your wife and you need to learn to communicate better. Maybe there are things to her that she just doesn't feel like she can share with you. I would find out what that is. You could also be being a little paranoid. Anyway, just my two cents.
