Relationship as an autistic person

So I have a boyfriend or something now I guess; it's all very confusing to me. He has a lot of emotions. Strong emotions, and complex emotions. He has people he loves, people he hates, people he loves and hates at the same time, he has enemies, exes, he has some seriously bizarre (though admittedly interesting and fun) sexual fetishes, has little shame in daily life but says his memories are "mostly shame based;" he is very very interesting. (And not just for these reasons; he's also very smart and has encyclopedic knowledge of world history.)

He causes me to feel strong emotions, and it's difficult. These strong emotions cause my brain to freeze up, like a computer freezes. My brain gets all mixed up and I can't think nearly as efficiently. It can make me angry at times, not being able to understand what my brain is doing; why it's mixing up information and causing me to have these emotions that I don't recognize and don't know how to express or handle. Sometimes it just makes me silly. It makes me out of my mind, like I'm receiving information from somewhere else to tell me what to do with my emotions and what they are. This is the most bizarre feeling. I can talk to him with a flow, like I already know what to say and do without thinking about it. But that is rare, though becoming more common.

At night he tends to become affectionate. He has emotions in his eyes. If I look into his eyes, I can feel them. I can feel love. But it frightens me. When he looks at me with love, I can't look very long; I quickly become overwhelmed and afraid and look away. I feel flushed. My face feels warm. It feels good but it is an intense feeling.

Sometimes he can get upset about things I don't understand. He'll try to explain them to me, but I often feel like I'm just missing something fundamental. Or sometimes he will tell me about something he's done or something he thinks, and then will say he hopes I'm not upset by it. This is extremely confusing to me. It automatically makes me wonder if there's something I'm missing there, something I aught to be upset by.

Touch is an incredibly overwhelming thing. But in a good way. But still so intense.

Also, all of his previous relationships were with girls who aren't so lost in this world as I am. They understand sex, know what it means to be sexy and sociable, they are all "hot," and I'm kinda just really into computers and am constantly stumbling through social interactions. This makes me feel rather inadequate. I'm not sure why he picked me of all people, someone who has never had a boyfriend and is totally sexually inexperienced; someone who is too overwhelmed by the feeling of love to express it.

For the first time, I have something of an active social life. This is something I've desired my entire life. I have new friends and I'm learning to talk to people I don't know well. But I still feel so lost and confused in this new world of social interaction and social competitiveness. My life has previously been worth only my logical mind, but now, I have an image. There are other girls who feel the need to compete for the attention of the person I'm with. They want to show me up sometimes and prove that they are hotter than me, which I consider a fruitless exercise to begin with, as I seem to utterly lack any notion of how to counter in such a stressful social game. It's a given that these people are more sexually competent than I am and I feel no need to attempt to prove otherwise.

I've been told I'm beautiful my entire life, but it's never been worth anything to me. I didn't understand. I was taught never to express sexuality. Now I'm starting to understand what it means to be attractive, and it is overwhelming.

 

So you're autistic? Where did you meet him? Are you sure he's not taking advantage of you? It seems like this guy may be a bit controlling and you say he's in contact with exes. You might not be the only woman he is with.

 

I don't see any reason to suspect that OP is being taken advantage of in any way, or that the guy is controlling.

As long as he understands that it is difficult for you to express or understand emotional cues, I see no reason why someone with autism could not have a relationship with someone without autism.

 

Yeah, I'm just guessing here since I'm not even sure what OP is seeking here. Advice, I assume.. and these are the things that she mentioned that made me think maybe he might be taking advantage of her or may be controlling..

 

Hulud,

Sometimes when faced with things that have been beyond what we had previously experienced, we all go a little crazy.
People go through culture shock when they first go into a jungle.
Some women have postpartum emotional disorders.
Many more people are developing personality disorders.

It sounds like the person you are with is very good for you.
He helps you push your envelope, yet lets you know he is there for you.
That's not to say he's not taking advantage of you, but sometimes we Must rely on our own feedback mechanism more than those of others. You Need to learn to trust your Self. We all can tune into an innate Knowing. Problem is it's hard to tell when you're fooling yourself and just imagining something with wishful thinking.

Most people do not have the depth that you came through with - yes it does get in the way initially - so you must learn to work with it.
Sounds like you are doing a good job with it.

Look within and trust yourself. do not shut down, but realize that you have much to offer - insights the rest of us have been programmed out of.

It's OK - Change while not easy is necessary

The Blessings we get in life are often the mistakes we made, that through learning from them, become lessons we can use to Grow.

Namaste (my spirit bows to your spirit)

 

Most of what you bolded, I understood as reactions due to autism, not based on what he was saying/doing. Hard to tell.

 

Yea, I mean none of us can say for sure because we don't know....aren't there, etc... but I took those things to be exactly what you said.

 

I can't really offer advice because I can't fathom what its like to be autistic, but I thought it was a nice story (aside from your discomfort and anxiety, but getting out of your comfort zone is usually a good thing) and he sounds like a nice match for you.

 

Sounds like the OP's boyfriend finds the OP attractive for who she is.


I think the OP is just looking to fill-in the gaps in understanding created from her high functioning autism with regards to the "social dance politics" people do to each other that half-the-time is superficial BS anyway.

The OP recognizes that and won't participate in the drama and I'd be willing to bet $ that her boyfriend finds that quality about her not engaging in said drama and being a rational person as really an attractive and refreshing part of her personality.


All the more so, if her boyfriend has dated ex's that were pretty on the physical looks but caused a lot of negative stress to deal with on a daily basis.

--

I might be the best to handle such questions regarding autism and relationships on these forums so feel free to direct such topics to me guys.

I deal with people on the autistic spectrum in my personal life a lot because I have friends and family with it.

 

I think being honest with your partner is the only option you have. Also, giving yourself enough time alone, so that you won't be overly exposed, therefore won't become overly overwhelmed. I'm sure you still will become overwhelmed, but hopefully less if the exposure is less.

I was told that I may have some form of autism and that I should get tested. I honestly don't think I have some form of autism, but I do know that for some reason I don't understand some social situations, I focus on things that others wouldn't focus on, I get overwhelmed by things that others wouldn't get overwhelmed at all by or not as overwhelmed by and just other characteristics of autism. Point is, if I do have it, which again I don't think I do, honesty and enough time alone seems to help. And asking questions.

 

Maybe those are just.... *DING!*


HER insecurities.


If I throw a ball at your face and you're frightened, does that mean your boyfriend is cheating on you?

 

OP disappeared though so we'll never know.

Still waiting on a PM response from the OP, or a response from them here.

If that doesn't happen perhaps this wasn't a genuine thread.

 

All this means is that you're annoying
You cyber dinged me.....

 

No, it means that you're an asshole.

 

I wouldn't think that. I have first posted on forums with a thread asking for assistance, just to later leave. Mostly it's because I don't find the environment comfortable and it's not like I'm going to state that, then make a goodbye post, thread, or whatever. That would be silly. So, I just ditch the thread and the forum, in general. Also, with forums I use new usernames fairly every time so if anyone looks me up, they will only find hits to that forum, so sometimes I forget the username. Granted, I can easily get the username back, but I get lazy, so I don't bother. Lastly, my life isn't active enough, so posting for me is frequent, but for other people posting might be less frequent.

I understand the tendency to think people lie over the Internet. I mean, come on... I go out of my way to make new usernames almost every time. That should show how mistrusting I am of the Internet. And I do think people lie more on the Internet than in person. Not that I have any proof of that, I just think that. Again, irrational mistrust. But, that's not always the case, just base on whether or not someone keeps up with a thread they created. Or answers a PM. Personally, I wouldn't answer PMs. Maybe. Depends on the situation. But, probably not. Not if I'm new to a forum.