Hey, I'm having some trouble with my relationship and sex. So, since I lost my virginity, at 18, I've been sexually repressed. I originally posted this in a different forum on here, but was redirected here (so I'm sorry if you've seen this post before). I was bullied at school and humiliated and it left its mark, and because of it I have always felt ashamed and perverted and wrong, like I don't deserve to have sex. But my GF has really enlightened me and has taught me to enjoy a LOT more. We do different positions, she lets me finish on her, in her mouth, her breasts etc, pull her hair, smack her, and well, I kinda like it. But I want more. I don't think it's a full on BDSM thing, but I would like to speak to someone who could maybe help me try and discover what I DO actually want, and how far I want to go. Does anyone have any advice, or know anyone, or anywhere where I could look? Thanks
There are several degrees to BDSM. I would check out Smashwords, Amazon and Barnes and Noble for authors of BDSM. You could contact the Indie authors (they are usually happy to help with questions and may have some ideas of what you should read or websites you could check out.
You've also said in the other thread on this same issue posted elsewhere in these forums that other aspects of the relationship are verbally and emotional abusive toward you. ^That can't be ignored either. But man 18 is still normal for guys to lose the V-card. Stop shaming yourself, the people that teased you are just jerks.
Hey, thanks for all your feedback. The issues in our relationship are very big, and I'm not ignoring them, but it's so much more complicated than just being to able to leave her, although it may not seem that way. I'm a really unconfident guy and she seems to know just how to keep me that way. I'm not ashamed of losing my virginity when I was 18. I feel ashamed because that's how I feel every time it comes comes to sex and everything to do with it as well. I kinda breezed over how I was treated at school, but they were awful years, and the most sexually important ones, too. When everyone was developing a comfort and tact with the opposite sex, I was pretty much just getting humiliated by it. So I find everything to do with it, masturbation, sexual thoughts, fantasies (not explicit ones particularly), dreams, uncomfortable and they all make me feel dirty and perverted. People have told me that these fantasies are normal and masturbation is normal, but I still can't convince myself. Sorry for the rant.
Huh, interesting. So let's focus on you for a second, rather than just your girlfriend or your relationship situation. How were you raised by your family, regarding sexual issues and sexual educational topics? Could this be the source or origin of some of the shame you have been feeling and aiming toward yourself, the contrast between what you want to do, what you see your friends doing on the romantic/dating/sex scene, and what you family places as an ideal? (Usually religious family values in this case/ or overt irrational fear without coping mechanisms regarding STD/STI issues masking, emotional shame behind sexual topics) --- Now on your relationship, it's also possible that what I mentioned above, has contributed to your lack of confidence around women, and so when you do find success you put the person on a pedestal they do not deserve, and doing so robs you of a balanced relationsihp, which is what you really seek, but your settling for fear of not being able to find a better situation.
Hey, thanks for working this through with me. My family is Christian, but they don't talk about it as if it were ungodly. In fact, they talk about sex a lot, as much as any normal family. I was once at risk of chlamydia and my parents were supportive through it, so I don't think it's that. I've tried to identify what it is I actually feel regarding sex, and it must be more than just shame or embarrassment, but whenever I finish I always just feel lesser, less confident, less worthy. It's weird and I can't put my finger on it. As for my relationship, it's not so much lack of confidence around women, just her and her abusive behaviour to me. Although, sometimes I'm under no doubt that she loves me, other times she treats me less than the shit on her shoe. She behaves in the strangest ways to me. I admitted to her early on (regrettably) that I had homosexual experiences, although I'm not gay. But she will just not let the fucking go, and I can't talk to any of my old friends, or about them without her bringing it up. She says she wants honesty, but she says 'there are some things you shouldn't tell anyone', and she doesn't trust me, even though I have done nothing with anyone else. At the end of the day I have to leave her, but it's just a case of getting the courage to do it.
OP, I replied in your other post but you provided a bit more / different details here. I'd say "try" to let go of the past. You are a different person now and are "getting some" to say the least. Whatever problems you may be having outside of the bedroom you'll have to weigh the options there, but more on that later... Far as the bedroom I'd say ride this for all it's worth. Sounds like you have a girl who's willing to do a lot more than the average girl, so embrace that and if you hit a road block or something she's not into then back off easy and lean the limits. I've never been into BSNM other than spanking a girl on the ass at the most, but eh... Far as the whole sugar spice thing, consider this... Some (if not all) relationships are about control and who has the upper hand. Yes we like to think of it as a partnership but les be real there is usually one person in control and the other one yields, two captains just don't work. If at any point you feel the bed life is being outweighed by the relationship / social life then certainly use that as a tool in your favor. Meaning you might be giving her something in bed she may not want to give up. So if she starts degrading you like you posted earlier then feel free to lay the smack down on her or just leave her and see what she does. I myself have never been one for drama as I just don't have the patience & aggression for it, but if you do then consider than an option...
You're right about the bedroom stuff. She really is great and, like I said, let's me really take charge and stuff. She definitely wears the trousers in the relationship, which is fine, and I agree that there has to be a 'captain', and I like the idea of using sex as a weapon, but she uses it against me. I want sex more than her. I'd have 3 times a day with her if she'd let me, so I have nothing with which to fight her. She's just stronger than me on all levels. And when she wants to hurt me, fuck me, she knows how to hurt me. I don't think any degree of good can outweigh how shit I feel at times. What do you think?
I think it's going to come down to you either making a stand and telling her how it's not acceptable to you that she demoralizes you the way she does. If this is a battle that's hopeless or you cannot bring up or fight then it's really going to come down to a breaking point where somewhere along the line she's going to dig into you too much to the point where you'll leave her. Lets face it great sex is awesome, but you being a punching bag isn't cool nor healthy for you
