Really Rough Sex, Why Do Some Women Crave It?

Apologies in advance for a bit of an essay here!

I'm a 26 year old guy and my long-term girlfriend and I have a very caring, loving and stable relationship. She’s always been absolutely insatiable sexually (win) and whilst I’ve no reason to doubt she’s enjoyed our sex life as much as I have, she’s been dropping hints for a while that she’d like things to be a little rougher in the bedroom.

I’d asked exactly what it is she wants and after some careful planning, to leave out explicit detail, I just went for it last time we slept together (obviously operating well within the boundaries of what she’d asked for). She seemed to very much enjoy it, as did I, until we’d just finished and she asked “Please can you clean me up now, sir?”. I felt a little taken aback by the use of “sir” but nonetheless, she was happy.

However she’s now suggested she’d like to be slapped, called names, humiliated, spat on etc. She said she just wants to be used and treated like a toy. I feel like I’ve opened up a can of worms here, it’s not that I feel uncomfortable with what she wants, because it’s at her request and I know she trusts me enough to not go ‘too far’. I just don’t quite understand why, when she’s a staunch feminist that she would want to be treated like this, especially by a man who loves her and wants nothing more than her to be his equal.

So, my question ultimately is:

Why does she want to be degraded like this? I’ve asked her and she said she really doesn’t know, she said just enjoys it, she just said she’d like to feel like she’s even more powerless next time. I’ve not had much luck finding any answers on the old interweb so far as to why she wants this. I know she’s certainly not alone with such a sexual preference, I’ve had previous girlfriends express an interest in it, but we’d never gone as far down that route. I am absolutely sure it’s nothing that any of the ill-informed internet misogynists have suggested i.e. she has daddy issues; she feels worthless or has been sexually abused in the past etc. Another suggested that ‘sex should be a fantasy and not real life’, I strongly disagree with this because even the ‘vanilla’ sex that I’m used to can have very real, serious repercussions if precautions aren’t taken.

So why is it? Why do some women want to be dominated and used like this? I appreciate I’m probably very much overthinking this but knowing why she likes what she does will certainly make me much more comfortable giving her what she wants.

Any and all sensible responses very much welcomed!

Thanks in advance

 

That's not being treated like a toy, unless it's a toy that you don't like. If you like your toys, you take care of them!

 

Ask the whole BDSM community. It's more common than you think, and there are many reasons that someone might enjoy it. I've never liked the violent/humiliation stuff, but a little bruising, spanking, roughness, growling, biting, light choking and throwing me around are all welcome and encouraged- that is IF I am in a loving, committed relationship with that person and I trust them implicitly. As for the reasons why, I just like a dominant lover to get excited/passionate about me and show me their power. Outside of the bedroom, I hate it. I'd much rather have a respectful partner who sees me as an equal. In bed? Tell me what to do. I want to make daddy happy.

Sorry, I haven't gotten laid since June. *ahem*

Don't make her feel weird about it. She's telling you these things because she trusts you to do them to her without judging her or going too far. If that's what she likes, that's what she likes. She didn't get with you so you could "fix her" or make her conform to what you feel is a "healthier" expression of her sexuality. If it's not your bag, that's fine, but if it's really too far out there for you, you guys might not be compatible. Asking her to repress what she wants in favor of a vanilla sex life is just going to breed discontent and resentment.

That sounded harsher than I meant it to. If this is your first introduction to this kind of thing, it can be a bit of a shock. I'd read up and see if it's something you think you can do. If it's not, and it turns out you two just want different things, don't feel bad about yourself. Everyone has degrees of weirdness and what they can tolerate, and if you're not enjoying yourself, you're cheating yourself.

 

Dude, they all have daddy issues

 

I have the best daddy in the world and I still like a good spanking

ew that's a gross sentence.....

 

And to he op, don't bring her feminist beliefs into this, they aren't related. What someone wants sexually has nothing to do with how they want to be treated I their day to day lives.

 

FireflyInTheDark,


You make a good point, that's exactly what I don't want to do. I'm not at all uncomfortable with what she's asking, nor am I trying to make her conform to my usual brand of vanilla (enjoyable, but vanilla) sex. I just want to understand what it is about it that she (or indeed other women) like about this

Can you elaborate on this please? I would always want to make a sexual partner happy, but not if it was significantly detrimental to me, if that makes sense. What we're doing, does work for me, but I absolutely can't understand how it would be pleasurable for her, to be completely used. I guess what I'm asking is: do you derive sexual pleasure from making your dominant partner happy? (i.e. do you feel genuinely satisfied after being 'used' (if that's the right word))



Mattekat,

You're exactly the sort of person I wanted an input from, do you know exactly what it is about being dominated that you enjoy?


Again, I'm not trying to 'rationalise' her requests because I do appreciate that what she's asking for is perfectly healthy and normal, I'd just like to get a better idea of why what we're starting to do is making her tick!

Thanks again

 

I personally get a thrill from it, almost like I'm doing something dangerous. That get's a bit of adrenaline pumping and is a huge turn on to me. I especially like when my boyfriend grabs me by the neck. He never actually squeezes or chokes, which I wouldn't like, but is a bit rough and I love it.

I'm not a biologist, but I'm pretty sure adrenaline does play a part in sex. I think it has something to do with that.

 

So, it's definitely not an every single time thing for me, but yes, I do gain satisfaction out of it. I used to think it was the prospect of being objectified and used, and it is a little bit. I mean, I'm hot enough to want to bone. That's a good start, but I realize now it's not so much being used, but more because I'm doing a good job pleasing him. Seeing him lose control, when I see his face contort and feeling his grip on my arm tighten hard enough to leave a bruise are like a pat on the head saying I've done well, and it's such a wonderful feeling... I just feel proud and sexy and like I've taken care of the needs of someone I love. It's also a little bit of a power trip, because I've reduced this powerful dominant person to a quivering, moaning person begging me not to stop. HOT.

Of course, this is all assuming he cares enough to want to please me too, so it really is only in a really loving, committed relationship where there is trust and reciprocation is the norm. Sometimes if I'm into it enough, even a quick one will get me off, but if not, I might be happy enough with the outcome that I'm all set. I don't like to paint this as the norm, because I have learned the hard way, via relationships where that was taken for granted, and the guy got lazy, expected freebies all the time, and got annoyed whenever I asked him to finish me (we had a lot of other issues that were creeping into the bedroom in that case, though). I still have needs, and I still want to get off, but if you keep me taken care of, I absolutely want to return the favor with gusto.

As for the roughness, what Mattekat said. Adrenaline, passion, and probably the taboo a little bit... I want him to claim me. I want him to look at me and think "you are MINE." Nothing is sexier than that.

 

Thank you both, very interesting inputs. You've been very hepful.

 

I wish I could explain more clearly, but it's hard to know why you like something sometimes. If you have more questions feel free to ask though.

 

I have been invited to a couple of S&M gigs in the past. I'm definitely not a submissive lover, quite the opposite, but on my first introduction to the scene I was the sub and found it a MASSIVE turn-on. Dominated by a psychologically strong man so much so, that I was kept on the edge for many hours before he released all of my sexual energy. I was exhausted and elated at the same time. I'd never let this happen outside of that environment.

At the second event I was a Dom. This would seem to fit my sexual personality a lot more, but the men I was dominating were way too submissive and wimpy. I hated it. It was only when I took a turn with a female sub that I begin to really enjoy myself.

 

Some of us just like it. It doesn't mean we had a bad childhood with daddy issues or abuse. It's just a preference. It's fun. There's not really an explanation for it. I suggest doing what you're comfortable with. Chances are you will get more comfortable and push it further for her. Just make sure you know limits before you do it and she isn't afraid to tell you that she doesn't like something even if she thought she would before you did it. Don't do anything you're not comfortable doing but you will notice she will probably go crazy. That always helps.

 

In my day to day experiences I am in charge. I run my household and my business. My partner would NEVER even consider making a decision that impacts us both without my input. Sometimes he wants to be controlled sexually, but most of the time I'm the one who wants to be released from the burden of volition.

And that's how I see it, too. I take a little vacation from being the boss. I don't have a single decision to make. I'm not into things I see as degrading, but something that's a little embarrassing is very much a turn-on. Examples might be name calling, or being made to beg. That's hot!

When it gets really rough and aggressive, I feel small and delicate, two things I'm not. That's really exciting. I feel like he's so big, and so strong. I feel objectified on my own terms, and I feel like getting wild and primal together makes me feel closer to him. A certain amount of pain (well below the threshold!) makes me feel weak and powerless, but also animalistic and like there's an element of danger. I love getting fucked that way. Also, because I like a really firm, slow stroke, when he speeds up and rides me harder, I know that's all for his pleasure, it's his time to be selfish, and he's getting precisely the sensation he wants. He's feeling good, feeling sexy, hopefully feeling powerful, and definitely going to climax soon. I love knowing he's getting what he wants and needs from my body. I love knowing he's so turned on.

 

Personally, I like it rough & when my BF takes total control of me & by body it is the most exhiliarting feeling I have ever felt. Its the trust of saying take me and do what you want and fully knowing that Im powerless but, safe at the sametime. To feel him inside me while controlling every ounce my body is such a turn on

 

This seems to be a common theme. I know in my current relationship my girlfriend is usually in the power position and working as a caregiver I'm the opposite. Yet during playtime I'm usually the dominant one.

C/S,
Rev J

 

It does seem pretty common.

 

I know a chick that loves to have the hell slapped out of her ass while I'm fucking her doggy.

 

I think from a Quasi Tantric perspective it is about balancing energy. When you are dominant/in control in most of your activities you need to have an outlet to release that control. Also regarding the pain/pleasure thing when we experience pain our brain releases endorphins. When we experience orgasm our brain also release endorphins. So the endorphin rush of the pain is increased by the endorphin rush of orgasm.

C/S,
Rev J

 

This. What Mocha said exactly.