Raising children in a natural way

Geez Ana, I was trying to stay incognito....now you have blown my cover and I have to admit to raising a radical hippy like you!

 

What a great thread!!!! A mama and daughter together, talking about raising their children, cool. So many mamas who listen to and love their babies, cool. Attachment ROCKS!!!! You aren't "losing yourself" you are gaining an other life.

Which, honestly, if one isn't ready to do, one isn't ready to become a parent. No matter how you parent, the child will "interfere" with your life, but only if you look at it that way. Life is NEVER the same after children. Don't expect it to be. Strawberry, you are 17, I wouldn't expect you to be ready for children yet. You may have a very different mind set when you are older and more mature, are done being a teenager and ready to concentrate on the taking care of and raising of an other human being. Just be a teen for now, don't worry about sex with a baby in the bed at 17! (Bear and I would just put the baby in her crib, which we used occasionally, when we wanted to have sex. Once we did it in the yard, on the swing, with the little ones fast asleep in their beds! You have to be creative, in a lot of ways, when you parent, and not just on when and where you have sex.)

TOTALLY!!!! I couldn't agree more. Brighid's description of the mother outside the baby's door as the child screamed itself into oblivion is soooo correct. Mothers usually WANT to be with their babies,and TCC and Attachment are not fads, they are just what people have been doing for thousands (maybe millions) of years.

Thank you, Forest Dweller! I do what I can.

 

ms, I completely agree about it being another way of life. This is a great statement:

 

Attachment parenting is not a fad. It's jsut knowing and being in tuned with the children. I just think that some people have more of a motherly instinct then others. For whatever reason...

 

Prompted by Kate's (Strawberry_Fields_Forever) comments.
(aka And now for something completely diffrent

Still, I need my space.
I totally understand needing your own space, my family is pretty annoying. But then we're teenagers. It must be diffrent as a parent.

Becoming a mother shouldn't mean throwing away your entire sense of self.
Far as I can see it doesn't. You just get a new and improved version of yourself.
My mother was a SAH mum and she always had seperate hobbies, a sense of self, life etc. If anything she's grow through us.

If you had a newborn that was still waking up in the middle of the night to be nursed, it might make sense to have the crib right next to the bed.
Yeah it would wouldn't it? then you'd never need to get up (I hate getting up, especially for a short time, the blankets get cold)

But to be in a bed with two other people (sometimes more)...ick! I'd feel smothered.
Maybe if it was a really big bed it wouldn't be so bad. I quite like the idea of everyone being tucked up together.

And I wouldn't want to have sex all around the house--a bed is much more comfortable and practical.
How do you know?
It sounds kind of fun to me.

I'm not saying anyone on here is wrong, I'm just saying it would never work for me. My parents never raised me like that and I'm perfectly fine.
I guess this must be the biggest diffrence between us. My parents also didn't AP, quite the opposite in fact (crying it out, smacking, the works) and it probably explains several issues I've had in life. Can't turn the clock back and they did the best they could. So no bitterness on my part.
That's why I'm trying to find a diffrent way. I won't have children for a while so hopefully by starting early I'll have to figured out. Sort of.

TTFN
Sage (Possibly the only person in the world who APs a rabbit!)

 

Sage-Phoenix, you hit the nail on the head when you said:

You sound like you've got it all figured out! I'm sure you'll be a great mum when the time comes! I know what you mean about APing animals, my sister is completely AP with her pets, it's the only way to do it, if you ask me!

 

I didn't mean sah moms had no life. I could even be a sah mom. I just don't think I could retain my sense of self and be surrounded by them 24/7. I just need my space, that's all.

 

I see what you are saying, Strawberry. I am a STAM, and sometimes I get a little stressed being around my girls all day. There are ways to make it easier. I have to take a few minutes for myself sometimes. I love going to the grocery store by myself. I also love taking the whole family with me. When my husband is home with me, it's not so bad. He'll hang out with the girls so I can take a bath. having adult contact keeps you out of kiddieland! The days where I'm only with the kids, my brain is dying for a grownup conversation!

 

Ah sage, you would get along well with our family. My daughters carry around thier sugargliders in little pouches around thier necks, not unlike a sling. We often carry our little Maltese puppy in a baby sling too! We are very ap in everything we do....I think it becomes addictive.

Strawberry_Fields_Forever, I understand where you are coming from with the whole losing yourself when you are around your children 24/7. I think it takes some creativity to find ways to continue to nuture yourself once you become a mother. Nature and creativity throught art, music and dance have been excellent outlets for me over the years. I've found ways to nuture my soul in the midst of motherhood and the demands of an AP lifestyle. Walks in the woods or on the beach with my little ones in tow or slung on my back have always been good, as has yoga. My kids all love to dance and do yoga with me and when they get bored, they run off to another room to play and I get to finish in solitude. I found that staying up late at night when everyone else is in bed (or getting up before they do in the early morning) is a good time for creativity. I am a weaver and the set up of projects is often better done without little helpers around, IYKWIM!?! Weaving is very relaxing and soul enriching. I've taught my children at a very young age to do simple weaving and crocheting so that they too can be creative when I am working on a project. I'm sure you too will find something that you are passionate about that you can incorporate into your daily life to enrich your soul as you nuture the soul of your child. You are a beautiful and intelligent woman. Your interest and research into parenthood now, will help you to be the parent you want to be when the time comes. Stay flexible and follow your heart and you won't go wrong.

~mosaic

 

The problem I have with the Continum Concept is that you present it as the only way to raise a child and I think your description of Western childcare pratices is to the extreme. I believe most people rasie the child some where in the middle of the two.

 

Aww thanks

I know I haven't figured it out yet (do you ever?, even after 18 years my parents are still learning) but seem to be making a good start.

I read in an interview with Elliot Baker (www.naturalchild.org/jan-hunt/elliot-baker-interview.html) and really agree with his philosphy that the best time to learn about parenting is before you have children. He of course puts it better than I have

Branwen (our rabbit) has sort of a test run for my parenting skills. A lot of the ideas seems to work for animals. Although she isn't into being carried around.

TTFN
Sage

 

I honestly think animals are a lot like children, when you really love them and give them your all. You can learn so much with animals!



Misha, I've heard a lot of people say what you have about TCC. I think the problem is the Jean Leadoff is writing from an anthropologist's prespective, and is not really offering a whole lot of practical ideas. For someone like myself, that is fine. I can just grasp onto the concept and fit it into my life, because I am passionet about it. Others, many, maybe even most others need, or at least do better with practical solutions. I think Dr. Sears is exelant for that! He has taken the ideas of TCC and put them into practical parenting advice that works well for the majorty of parents. He's not as radical, but he is damn sure practical!

HTH
peace!

 

Aw, thanks for the support mosaic. Sometimes I have maternal doubts about whether or not I should even have kids, lol. There are days when I am so glad I'm not a mom but that's probably normal given my age.

I'm warming up to the idea of attatchment parenting. My only reservation about it is, what role do the father's play in all of this? I always hear talk about the mother's role in ap, and that's probably because most of those on this forum are women. But is it just the mom who carries the kids around all day? I'm kinda paranoid about relationships being 50-50, and I would get so angry if my husband didn't do his part. Do ap fathers have the same responsablities as ap mothers (minus the breastfeeding of course)?

And you talk about going for walks with your kids, but what if it was the middle of the day, your husband was taking care of the kids, and you just wanted to go on a walk by yourself. Would that go against ap thought? You almost make it seem like the only time you're allowed to be by yourself is when your kids are asleep or your taking a shower (or do you co-shower as well? j/k ) I mean, you would agree that it's important to have time with your husband without the kids, so if you wanted to go out for dinner and a movie once a month, would you have to take the kids with you, or could you just hire a sitter? I personally don't think leaving kids with a sitter once in a while is really going to damage them.

Just some thoughts...

-Kate

 

It's so hard to imagine these things when you are not doing them, and never have. I had all these same questions as you, sff, before I had children.

Every ap relationship is different. There are no "rules." You do what your heart tells you to, that is the beauty of it! You'll find time to do the things that are important to you, and to be alone. You'll know when YOUR KIDS are ready for things (like being away from mommy, being away from mama and daddy, how long, etc.,) because YOU will know them better than anyone else. If you follow your instincts closely everything will feel right (for the most part.)

About daddies: (I told dh to come and talk about this, we'll see if he does.)
Again, you both follow your hearts, and instincts. For a lot of people mama does nearly everything with the babies for the first few months because it's just easier. Daddies play with them, and talk and sing and maybe help change them, but babies want the mama when they are little! My dh does SO MUCH with our older son (2 1/2) and I do most with the little one (4 months.) It's what feels right for us. But he's still really involved, but mostly they play together! But like I said, every relationship is different! You'll find what works for you.

I think the reason you mostly hear about the mamas is because mamas like to talk!!! lol!

P.S. I do "co-shower" with my little ones once they can sit up. Not all te time, but when we both want to. It's fun, and it's easier both because I don't have to give them a bath later, and I don't have to wait for a shower.
It's just one of those things that feels right for us.

peace.

 

As lunar forest said, there are no "rules" for AP. The father's role is very natural. He is there to help nurture his children, and support his wife, in all ways, while she does the Mothering of the children. (It is simple, men FATHER, but the cannot Mother! As mother cannot Father!)

A good dad who understands AP is only for his family's and his child's betterment would never interfere with attachment. AP dads don't insists on "weekends away" or giving a bottle "to be part of the feeding" (when we know that giving a bottle doesn't help men "bond" with babies but only complicates breastfeeding and attachment with the mother) but they do bath and play and support and TEACH the children. As a lactation consultant I have seen a good many AP marraiges. The father understands his role as the mother understands hers (and that role is different at different times in the child's life, and different with each child.) Most parents GROW into thier understanding of how to parent according to their child's needs as time passes. No one is born a perfect parent (nor does anyone ever become one!) I also see relationships where the "helping" some dads try to do is nothing more than interference and attempts to break the bonding. There are still some very immature men who are VERY jelaous of the mother's bond with the baby and the baby's NEED for his mother. Self absorbed people have a lot of growing to do before they become parents. Womyn as well as men. Those who think of children as more of a nuisence than an improvement of their lives are not ready, or maybe never will be ready for children.

I couldn't expect many 17 year olds to be ready for the intensity that Mothering entails.(Although I have seen a few who are.) Mothering and Fathering are adult enterprises, and I can't expect you to be ready to surrender your teen age freedom to parent at this age. Nor should you be expected to. You are quite normal to feel a baby would be too constricting to your freedom at this age. As a good mother, when it is time for you to mother (if you choose so) you will have sowed your wild oats and will be happy to enter an other phase of your life, where you give OF yourself for the creation of an other person. Not just the physical creation (which anyone can do) but the emotional, spiritual and psychological creation. And that is something only those with the want, desire and understanding to undertake should do. No one should parent casually.

There is an excellent book called Becoming a Father by William Sears. It goes into AP from a father POV and is one of the best. AP never negates the Father, it just aknowleges the FACT that womyn ovulate, gestate, birth, and lactate, and men simply do not. That, in itself, gives womyn and men totally different roles in parenting. It is a biological fact, and there is no getting around it. These differences don't end when the placenta is delivered. And they play a most important role in Parenting and who does "what." The saddest and worst marraiges (and parents) I have seen is where the mother is trying to "keep the child care 50/50" trying to make her partner "do his part" and even keeping track on paper of diaper changes and who gave the bottles! Becoming parents is a partnership, but the roles are different, yet equally important.

Parenting is something which should be entered into with open eyes, full awareness and lots of understanding of infant needs, both physical and emotional. AP satisfies all these requirement like no other "method" of parenting (altough it is NOT a "method" but simply the way people who understand their babies and want to care for them fully WANT to parent, without myriad excuses or too much compliant.)

 

Ah, well said, ms!