Question for Wives

I know there a lot of threads on this free love section about GF/wife sharing and believe me when I say I’ve read through quite a few of them but today I ran into a rather rare one talking about the double standard of this dynamic.

The thread didn’t gain much traction but there was a reply in there from a female member that hasn’t logged into since 2015 who said:

“The OP is so correct. I would never allow my husband to be with another woman and would divorce him if he ever was. I am very jealous and I think it's how MOST women are wired. On the other hand, my husband likes sharing me and I LOVE IT! There is something very freeing about being wanted by multiple men that is very sexy.I told my husband that if we were going to make this work, that had to be the deal - the sex could only be for me.”

I would of loved to talk to this person but as I mentioned they are no longer around. Are there any woman or men in this forum who are still active who might share similar sentiments and agree with this poster?

From what I’ve read of people who are into this, most of the husbands seem to also get jealous but they don’t let it bother them, and see the jealousy as more of a turn on but I guess for woman it’s different?

I’m glad people have arrangements that work for them that make them both happy and am in no way judging but I’m more curious than anything else about why it’s harder for woman to come around to sharing than it is men but still love to have sex with other men without issues

 

I guess that I am kinda like this poster. I am very jealous and don't think that I could handle hubby fucking another woman ! I know that sounds selfish ,but he enjoys me being Slutty as much as I Do!

 

My wife is easy going she does not mind me fucking other women lately, she knows I have a enormous sex drive and finds it difficult to keep me satisfied all the time.We love each very much and still have great sex together

 

I have a fantasy that involves me fucking another woman in front of my wife...I think part of her likes the idea but not enough for me to ever feel comfortable doing it. I also fantasize about seeing her with another woman, even if I wasn't allowed to join in!

I couldn't see her with another man though as I would definitely get too jealous!

 

Interesting. Has he ever shown interest or ever brought up having sex with another woman even if you were involved? What did you think would make you so jealous?

 

Awesome to hear!

 

I think most people are like this. Man, woman, it doesn’t matter. Most people get jealous and have insecurities. This group seems to be full of men who love sharing their wives but out in the “real world” it’s rare. In fact, I personally know a few women who have had MFF threesomes with their partners but I don’t personally know any men who would agree to share their partners with another man. I would argue that many more women share their men than the other way around.

As to people not wanting to “share” but being ok being “shared”... It might not be “fair” but it makes sense. If I have sex with another person, I would know 100% that it’s just sex and means nothing...because I’m in my own head. I know exactly what I’m thinking. You can never really know for sure what someone else is thinking, no matter how close you are to them. So it’s much easier to let those insecurities creep in. Does he like her body more than mine? Does his dick feel better than mine?
I think that’s the root of jealousy.

Of course, there are many people who have overcome those insecurities and that’s great for them.

 

Wife and I have been swinging for a long time and have seen this many time, just in the reverse. Cpls looking for single females only. We have always thought it was very much a double standard. We understand that some women might not want another guy, but it primarily seems that it's the guy that refuses to let his woman fuck another guy. I don't get it, I love watching my wife get fucked. I'd say I almost like that as much ase getting to fuck other women .

 

My wife not keen being fucked by another guy,but did fuck our neighbor recently she told me she was disappointed he ejaculated easy.Well I suppose wearing skimpy clothes and showing her tits and great arse he could not control himself.My wife is no worried about me fucking other women

 

I don't think jealousy is always what enters into it for many people unwilling to do this. I think for many, like me and my husband, we married to be with just one another. if we wanted to still date, we wouldn't have married. I don't judge people who are into open marriages, but there's something about it that seems inauthentic. That's just my opinion.

 

New to this forum and subject caught my eye. I’m female, mid-forties and husband is early 40s. My libido has gone off the charts last year or so, so sex life has really been fantastic lately ( never has been bad ) but I’ve brought up the subject of a threesome happening, FMF, and of course he’s on board. Would have to be a pro though, nobody close to home. That said, I understand too, how guys are, familiar with the Coolidge effect, etc.. so I’ve basically given him a pass with rules, so long as it’s with someone I don’t know, don’t grow a guilty conscience over it and come home and tell me, and of course keeping it wrapped. He has never given me a reason to think he’s been with anyone else, but would rather stay on top of it than not. Monogamy has failed marriages, so long as my husband stays emotionally committed to me, that’s about all I will expect.

 

I like your response.

I think most people think of monogamy as having sex within the marriage only but from my point of view I think it has more to do with the actual relationship. You can be married to one person only or be in love with only one person but at the end of the day sex is sex no matter who you do it with and for a lot of folks out there they just want have as much of it as they can or try someone new and different.

I really enjoy the idea of two people who love each other so much they are willing to allow the other to have fun eslewhere and trust them to do so.

 

Big problem lies with people thinking sex and relationships must co-exist harmoniously. Relationships are difficult not because we are uniquely screwed up or weak, but because the two things we all want together are problematic. Each choice involves a compromise: Long-term relationships forfeit the thrill of sexual novelty; sleeping around forgoes the rewards of intimacy.

Add to this that women equate sex with love, whereas, men simply think sex is the greatest recreational fun they can have. And I don’t think this extreme disconnect is going to reconcile in our lifetime.

 

OK...so I occasionally get on this site..but this post motivated me to join so I could answer. We got into the LS about five years ago. We weren't really looking...it kind of found us. Long story. In any event, our preference is couple play. But he loves me being with another guy. I can't say I completely understand it, but I have come to accept and appreciate that it turns him on. He is not with us...he just likes me to tell him about it...makes for great pillow talk. I suspect it has something to do with the male ego and that he loves knowing at my [ advanced : ) ] age, I still turn heads, and end of day, his Ferrari parks in his garage. When we first ventured into it, I was 100% into the "no way in hell" was he going to play with another woman. But over time, that's changed for me. While I don't get turned on by the thought of him with someone else, I think it's a good and fun experience for him, and I like that. Yes, it's all very convoluted, but it is what it is. And we have been together for a very, very long time. So trust is 100%. That's, I think, the only thing that makes this work.

 

In our 30's, my wife and I decided that she could experience other men as long as she was open with me. It wasn't that new since she had been with other men when in college and we were dating. We also agreed that I would not do anything with another woman, mainly because I had no desire to be with another woman. She had a few fun times that satisfied her curiosity or whatever was driving her, and neither of us has been with anyone else in the past 20+ years.

 

My wife is very jealous, though it has toned down a bit over the years. I share her, and I get a huge kick out of it, but the idea was that at some future time I would get to experience another partner as well. She has never gotten used to the idea.

In fact, we were recently in Las Vegas and we ended up in a Denny's at 6 in the morning and there was a cute young girl in the next booth with some young guy talking about sex and what not. She definitely had a wild spirit about her, and reminded me of the iconic hippie chick back in the day. She made numerous glances over at me, and the both of us as we sat eating. When they were done, her friend got up to go to the cash register first. She gathered her things on the table, got up, looked me directly in the eye, and stretched in a manner that was undeniably meant to show off the countours of her skinny and sexy body. I responded with an appreciative look, to which my wife was not at all happy. She insisted that she was a hooker and that I wanted to have sex with her and so forth. I insisted that I never said a word to her, or encouraged her to do that in any way. She said that I was all googely-eyed over her, and for several times on that trip she brought this girl up.


...SO, yeah I don't think its going to happen for me. But I still really enjoy sharing her, and it is like I get to enjoy the extramarital excitement through her.

Her feelings on this can be confusing though. When we go to Europe, and we have this belief that Europeans love to flirt (or at least that is what I think I told her), then we actively flirt there. She will flirt with the waiters and hotel staff and so forth, and she doesn't mind when I flirt with the waitresses and so forth. I made several cute French waitresses blush when I told them in my poor French that they are very cute. But then something happens, like one time we were on a train in London, and a very hot long-legged Asian woman, dressed in a tight short white one-piece dress got on the train. Long silky black hair. I was immediately captivated by her beauty and our eyes met. She obviously sensed the attention I was giving her and she sat across from us smiling and lots of glances. My wife is a Filipina (and she turns heads too and likes to dress to show off her body) and she did not like that at all. Her first comment was a sarcastic, "Do you want me to get her number for you?!" Later she went on about how I was trying to get her, and I think I even got hit across the back of my head...

Anyway...

 

I have come to feel the opposite.

I don't know too many women that would be willing to share their husbands----though my first wife was when she realized that she probably was going to lose me. But she was a very manipulative controlling you know what.

I think you get that impression because men generally don't let on to such interests in public. An online forum allows some sense of anomonimity but otherwise it is not shared. Most of my friends do not know that I share my wife. And I think that a few of the people that do know don't really inderstand it.

Oddly enough, friends who do not know about it includes a close friend who wanted to share his wife, and invited me into his bedroom, but I turned him down as my wife, as I mentioned in the previous post, would have been too jealous. I have wanted to share it with him, but I know my wife also does not want me telling it to others we know.

It also includes a friend of ours who obviously likes my wife (she met him first), and who actually would have been one of her lovers had he played his cards right. He spent a weekend in a Breckenridge condo with us, and late Saturday night, the three of us were in the hot tub, drinking Manischewitz. My wife was between us and topless, and describing how great in bed Filipinas were compared to other women, I chimed in too from time to time validating her commenst. She even put her hand on his crotch at least once under the water to make sure he was hard. What he didn't know was that I had shared her a few times, and that it had been several years since we had done that, and that we were ready to do it again, and hoped that this weekend would have been the opportunity. However I was going to let her handle the how and when, and he turned out to be the perfect gentlemen when she wanted him to take some assertion. We ended the night in our bedroom having fun by ourselves, and he in the one next to it, I assume pleasuring himself, for what he did get to hear and see. (Her plan was to spend the first part of the night with him and then join me when they were finished.) We still visit with him from time to time, but he never got to enjoy her, and to this day does not know that we do this, or what he missed out on.

She was raised catholic and in the Philippines where everyone has lovers and mistresses. She much prefers that those who are in the know think that she has a lover rather than that we have an open relationship, because that is more 'normal' to her than what we actually do. I think that is strange, but having lived in the Philippines, I understand her sense that such infidelity is a normalized thing. I think she associates the idea of being with one man, and then coming home to share the fruits of their union while being with another man, as whoreish, and she does not want any ethical association with prostitutes.

 

Why did you get married, if you really aren't comfortable with monogamy? I don't think you're wrong to feel the way you do, but if you really don't prefer monogamy, you must be feeling like you're missing out on something. At least, your post here reads that way.

 

Let me first say this, and it is something that I think should be understood by anyone fantasizing or contemplating such a lifestyle: My marriage to my wife is a promise to be truthful, faithful, and honorable to her, I would expect that it is the same of her to me. This means that neither one of us would lie to the other, or sneak around and do things behind their back, or dishonor them, cheat on them, and so forth. Therefore when it comes to something as significant as sharing a partner, their should be a mutual acceptance and desire on this. She does not want to share me so I do not have an extramarital partner, nor do I try to get one. No matter how jealous she gets because I looked at someone, I hope (and think) she understands that in reality, I will never go off with them unless she allowed it. In my defense, in the case of the girl from Las Vegas, she was looking right at me, my reaction was automatic, but it was also reflects the fact that I really just can't be rude to someone. If they smile at me, I am not going to smirk, or ignore them, or treat them bad in any way. And she knows that. As for Europe, we do it just for fun, and because it seems that Europeans like to flirt. In Asia, I get tons of attention from women, and if you are observant, it shouldn't take you too long as a blonde haired foreigner to realize who among these girls that you could probably sleep with that night. But we spent many years together living in Asia, and she knows that I never ever cheated on her.

Now to answer your question---Monogamy is a social construct. There is plenty of evidence to demonstrate that by nature we are not a monogamous species. In fact, monogamy as we understand it today in America is not a very old concept. The older version of monogamy in Western society was based on ownership---consider the word, matrimony. It is a Latin word related to another word, testimony. A Testimony is something that a male would do in order to assure that he was being completely truthful or loyal---it was a bond that if it turned out he was lying, or disloyal, or unfaithful to the agreement, the consequences would be castration of his testis. But when it came to marriage he would enter into matrimony---in other words it was the woman's matrix, or womb, that was at stake, and it was only a question of her loyalty and honesty. In other words, Matrimony was a mysogynistic contract that gave control of the womb over to the male---the wife was no more than a piece of property.

This is why your father grew up in a culture where mistresses were still fairly common, and your grandfather probably grew up in a culture where men still hung out in the saloons where they not only drank and gambled, but would accompany one of the soiled doves upstairs to a bedroom. In those days, sex for married women was the cross they must bear, but wives were for children, and they were meant to be pure and good for the sake of raising the children and keeping the family in a good way. Men got their jollies off with mistresses and prostitutes. This attitude could still be found in many blatantly sexist Western cultures, and Cultures modeled after the West at least as recently as the 90's from my own observations. (From the mid 90's on I have lived mainly in the US and only traveled abroad, so I can't say for sure.) Japan is a perfect example---wives were still meant to be mothers, and there was even a concept that a good wife tended to be comely, while a good mistress was hot and sexy. It was common for Japanese companies to even have sex tours for their male employees as incentive for good work, sending them off to Thailand, Taiwan, the Philippines or elsewhere where women were provided. The change that has taken place there since then, began in the 80's when women decided that they needed the same thing, and host clubs began popping up (which were like the extremely common hostess clubs in Japan, but with male hosts), and by the beginning of the 90's, travel agencies started offering sex tours for women. The point is that monogamy was primarily a concept that applied to women and not men. The concept of monogamy as we understand it today was largely a concept of Victorian conservatism and efforts by women's religious movement and conservative Christian movements that campaigned against the brothels and so forth. More recently, the women's lib had their own influence over society that more or less made the social acceptance of the mistress as a relic of the past.

You find this in Non-Western civilizations as well. Basically, the development of mankind from individualist-dominated hunter-gatherer cultures to the group ethic of a planter culture---in other words the dynamic that gave rise to civilization and its institutions---promoted dualism and an evolutionary process that first gave power to the goddess, but then to the God. A civilization that had achieved fully developed institutions historically has always been ruled by the masculine. And it was more common than not, that the woman lost sexual freedom while the male did not.

On the other hand, I have spent time in numerous tribal communities, and studied many others, where such was not the case. All across the Pacific, for example, there was a sexual freedom that allowed both husbands and wives to take on lovers, or simply enjoy the sexual company of someone else.

The Philippines is a very interesting example, because there is this overlay of Spanish colonial morality that has provided a male chauvinistic stratum of social control, where the male and his mistress are more socially accepted than the infidelity of a wife, yet underneath this one finds that women are in fact just as likely to stray as men, which obviously hails back to a relatively recent indigenous freedom among the sexes. However from an institutional standpoint, Catholicism rules so that all premarital and extramarital sex is morally wrong, and both divorce and infidelity are illegal. This has really created a very dysfunctional society in my opinion when it comes to sex, filled with broken hearts, plenty of hurt, and single parent children, and marriages that would best be dissolved. I am being totally honest when I say that I spent a total of 5 years living in the Philippines, and out of all the people I knew closely during that time (including my own in-laws) I can count the number of people I knew who I can truly believe were not adulterous at one time or another on one hand. (None of them were in-laws by the way.)

But there are still indigenous communities where the missionaries and colonial masters have not destroyed the traditional norms and mores. (The Philippines demonstrates what happens when they do.) In South America, for example, in many tribal communities, it is believed that the more fathers a child has, the more succesful he or she is, as the child is believed to take on the qualities of each father. But the main father is still the husband, the others simply contribute to the qualities and abilities the child displays. In many tribal communities, the father is considered to be the spouse of the mother rather than the actual biological father who is often not even a factor. As far as relationships and happiness, you do not find the sexual hang ups and problems that are common to civilized societies in these traditional communities. They have healthy and fulfilling sexual relationships.

I feel that marriage should not be a matter of one person owning another. At an ethical and social level marriage should be based on love and mutual respect, not sex. Sex is the most intimate aspect of ourselves that we share with one another, and how that is done should be up to each couple, not societal institutions or their constructs. At an individual level, marriage should be a codependent thing based on trust, love, and respect. Sex is very important to each of these, and its intimacy is one of the main sources of the glue that holds it all together. Monogamy is not necessary to a loving marital relationship, unless it is deemed so by one or both of the spouses. In the right case, with proper love and trust, extramarital sex can actually deepen a relationship. I would say that this is what happens in our case, and this same sentiment is shared by many others in this lifestyle.

We have been together since 1987. My understanding of most marriages that have lasted for so long, is that sex tends to drop off to once a week, or once every several weeks, or even once a month or less. That is not the case for us. Nor is there anything dull about our sex life. Likewise, I would say that this is why I still stand up like a 20 year old. I would also argue that we share an intimacy at a different level when she is with a lover. It is not the case where I am off watching a movie or doing something else. Typically if I am not present watching, I am listening in over the phone. I know what he is feeling, I know what she is doing for him, I know how he is pleasuring her. Afterwards she returns home, and then shares the most intimate details of their encounter, while I experience her body for myself, and the proof of their encounter.

That is to say that, when she is with a lover, our actual sexual experience lasts for hours. For example, there is the anticipation of her going out to be with another partner, even as she dresses and gets ready, is exciting in its own way, like a stage of foreplay. Then there is the point where she actually is in his bedroom and she calls me. at which point there is an excitement for both of us during their foreplay, and then the actual session of lovemaking, which includes a form of voyeuristic excitement on my part, and for her, a sense that the man she loves is observing her, as she experiences someone else, there is a satisfaction for both of us (well, all three of us) in her orgasm, and a kind of reverse voyeuristic satisfaction in the knowledge that he is seeing this most intimate aspect of her, and experiencing it even down to the contractions of her vagina. There is the excitement of him climaxing within her, which includes an element of taboo by modern standards, and the awareness that she is experiencing this within her. There is an element of risk here too that adds to the excitement---though not realistically anymore as she is past menopause. She is one of the most exciting women I have ever been with, everything down to the sounds she makes, her smell, even her sweat has a sexuality about it. It is incredible to experience directly, it is also incredible to experience as an observer, and exciting to think that I am allowing another man to experience this even though she will never be his. Then there is the anticipation of her coming home, and to have her sexually, to feel what he had felt, to hear her details as we make love, and to even re-enact what they did. Many many times an encounter between her and her lover, has resulted in multiple sessions of love making for us that same night and the following morning. It is lovemaking at a Tantric level of sorts in terms of excitement and duration.

Do I feel like I am missing out on something? No----It is a very satisfying love life. What if she would have preferred a monogamous lifestyle----then I would have respected that, and we would have found other ways to work out the sexual excitement, and fanatasies. I suspect that it would have been through actual tantric sex, as we have played around with that from time to time, and actually have considered a room dedicated to tantrism.

I guess I could add that our relationship, as I have referred to many times on this forum, was primed for such a lifestyle at the beginning. We met on a subway late one night in Tokyo. I was immediately smitten. I was not really looking for anyone as I was still married to my first wife, though I was living in Tokyo, trying to figure out how to get out of that relationship with what turned out to be a controlling and manipulative monster. My first wife lived in Osaka. But this girl on the train was the most beautiful I had ever seen. I gave her my name card. A few days later she called me. She was also in an unhappy marriage. We got together, and before the night was over, I knew I had to have her and that I could never leave her. Our first days of dating and she would not let me kiss her, then one day she surprised me with a kiss, but she would not let me kiss her again that day. It was probably weeks of dating after that before we had sex and from that point on she was my mistress and I her lover. It was a very sexually charged relationship. And then one night, we were in bed doing foreplay when she told me that her husband had, "used" her that day, and if I still wanted to do it. I had already had had an experience or two of sharing (which I have related elsewhere in this forum) so I said yes. As we made love, I asked her about it, and I think we both realized that we enjoyed very much the fact that she was having sex with me after being with her husband. So that happened numerous times, adding to the excitement of an already exciting relationship. After our mutual divorces and we got married, it was several years before I shared her. But the fact that we had done it numerous times after she had been with her previous husband, even meeting on several occaisions at a love hotel some 15 or 20 minutes after she had been with her husband, certainly set the pace.

 

You have an interesting outlook on romance, sex, marriage and life in general, @Mountain Valley Wolf ...appreciate you sharing all that. I think that everyone's desires and marriages are their own, and how they work it all out, is also their own. I don't know if monogamy is entirely easy for women, though. I think it is perhaps a bit of a myth that men feel that they are just ''wired that way,'' to seek out other women, or sleep with many women, but there are women I know who are not cut out for commitment, or monogamy. They like having sex with different men, and aren't ''able'' to be faithful to one person. Unfortunately, in our culture, women are labeled as ''sluts'' who do this, while men are just ...sigh, being men. lol Perhaps a conversation for another time. ^_^