Question for Transexuals

I knew from a very early age, that something was terribly wrong. I was being raised as, and treated as a male, which I knew from early childhood, was a mistake. I never made any attempt to fit in with the male population, which of course meant a lot of stigmatization and bullying from my peers whilst growing up. This bullying and stigmatization was not confined just to my school life, but also my family life, where I suffered a lot as a result of not conforming to the male tag which had been placed upon me.

In my teens, I had one friend (a mutual interest in videogames instigated the friendship), although funnily enough at one point, he mercilessly bullied me too, and physically attacked me more than once (On one ocassion, he slammed my head into an iron fence). One time, he confided something to me, which I never disclosed to anyone as he had asked me not to. That seemed to make us better friends, and he even apologized for being so horrible to me whilst he was bullying me. When he used to talk about girls in a sexual way, I became visibly irritated and let him know I found the subject icky, and always told him to shut up, which he usually did. lol Not long after we left school, I hardly saw him anymore, as I was a hermit who stayed indoors all the time playing videogames, playing guitar and listening to music, whilst he hung about with other people, took drugs, and went to nightclubs with them. He eventually developed schizophrenia (which I blame at least partly on his drug abuse), and we became more and more distant from each other, until eventually we lost touch altogether. He knew for a long time that I was really a girl, as I had told him in our school days, and he said he wasn't surprised, seeing as I had never acted like a boy anyway.

Being a hermit was definitely a concious decision on my part, as I felt if I couldn't live my life completely as a normal female, then I'd rather not have a life at all. And that is the way my life has always been. I felt that shutting myself off from society was the only option I had. I feel that being intersex rather than transsexual made things far more difficult for me when I started the process of trying to get medical help in my late teens for my predicament. Indeed, when I finally met a great clincian years later who took me under his wing, he admitted I'd been treated very badly, and that instead of seeing the distressed female in front of them, and treating me accordingly, I wasn't given proper treatment as I didn't fit their definition of what "a transsexual" should be.

I can see what you're saying, and I will admit that being alone pretty much all my life has been a big cross to bear, and as I've gotten older, it is something that gets to me a lot more than it used to do. But I still feel the same way now that I did when I was growing up. Avoiding interacting with people is the best way to keep me sane. As I don't feel like I can relate to anyone.

Thank you. I appreciate that very much.

My life has always been horrible, but at least I'm not a starving child in Africa, or a lab animal... I could have it even worse than I do now. It is hard to do at times, but I always try and tell myself no matter how bad my life is, some have it even worse than I do.

 

You may not feel like you can relate to anyone, but if you ever do venture out you have an incredible knowledge of things that other people could learn from. And people do enjoy hearing about our differences when situations arise that affect their lives. Maybe it's just about where I live but I find that it's easier to talk with strangers than family and old friends because they are less likely to judge. It's going to take years for the world around us to change but educated people are far more accepting of changes to their environment. And your posts here show that that you are friendly, informed and patient
with the uninformed. You can teach.

Bullying is so much in the public's eye now. I still relive some of the terrible, hurtful episodes in my youth. I really didn't understand why they did the things they did to me until forty years later. Until I got the internet, I thought I was the only person that had problems that I had. And that's when I found out that there is a name for all that I went through and that it was an intersex condition; that my chromosomes made it impossible to detect my real gender. It seems sometimes that I wasted a lot of years trying to satisfy the ideals of family and now they won't even talk to me.

I was 52 when a doctor pointed me in the right direction in a very negative fashion. But ten years later I am close to where I've always wished for. I can never outrun my past, but I can't tell somebody else about it and expect to keep them close.

It seems like we just reacted to similar circumstances by going in different directions.

 

Yep, but I don't wish to be defined by a condition that I neither wanted, nor had any control over how that was treated. Unfortunately, being defined by those things is inevitable if I choose to bequeath that knowledge to other people. Even most of those who do not actively dicriminate about such things, will not be able to see you as just "a woman", or "a man" once they have that knowledge. You will always be a "insert sub-label here>>gender". Even if that's something they don't say to your face out of respect. People may enjoy hearing about those differences, but I certainly do not enjoy opening up about them and discussing them. Even online, talking about it feels like opening up wounds that I've been trying all my life to close up, or at least hide from public view. I can see the positives of it, and if I can open some people's minds to the harsh reality of this type of situation, then that is definitely a good thing. But it's always a very painful thing for me to talk about, even online.

Thank you for the nice compliments though, they are appreciated.

I knew exactly why I was bullied from an early age. I was different, and also made no attempt to hide or conceal those differences. Anyone who is different, even slightly, can be bullied. Sometimes you don't even have to be different, if someone simply takes a dislike to you, they can make your life a misery. But if you are very obviously different, then you are far more likely to be severely bullied, and that was just a way of life for me whilst growing up. But even though I hated it, I came to accept it, as I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it. I just had to try and learn to cope with it.

I was 18 when my doctor first sent me for treatment regarding my condition. Though it wasn't till years later that I both discovered the truth regarding my condition and my sex, and recieved the appropriate treatment for that.

I feel glad that I never wasted any time trying to pander to my family's expectations of me, and whilst that did mean complete ostracision from my extended family even before I left school, I saw that as a welcome relief, rather than a negative thing. I haven't spoken to any of them since I was 15, but seeing as I was never close to them, it was no loss to me for them to be cut out of my life. It was more like a weight had been taken off my mind.

Whilst being isolated from society for such a long time in a way has been hard for me to live with, especially as I've gotten older, I do feel like it was the best thing for me to do. Even when I'm on my own, I feel incredibly self-conscious and inferior. If I was around other people, those feelings would be magnified ten-fold. And I'm not sure how, or even if I could, cope with that.

As for the direction I took... I felt like I had no choice over that. Even whilst I was still at school, the burden of being seen by most people as "a male" was reaching a stage where it was becoming unbearable for me. I didn't make a concious decision to "not be a man", it just naturally happened. Living "as a man" was simply not an option for me, and so I didn't even try to do that. I feel the suicide attempt I had at 15 years old was probably the final turning point for me. Looking back on it now, it's as if simply rebelling against the male mold people had kept trying to force me into was not enough. I had to completely shatter the mold itself.

I find it very hard to describe the feelings I had at that age, of the realization that there was no point in having any dreams or goals for what I would do after I left school, as I would never be able to achieve them. Or that even at that age, I knew things like love and romance would never ever be a part of my life. All I knew was, I would not live a lie to achieve those things, and if that meant being alone for the rest of my life, then so be it. And, at the age I am now, despite how hard things have been for me, I know the alternative, would have been much worse. I have no doubts that I would have killed myself years ago had I not shut myself off from society at such a young age. I didn't want to do what I did, but I felt like I had no choice in the matter, and took the only viable option that was available to me if I wanted to continue living.

 

I've always admired your positive attitude, IS. You strike me as an intelligent, strong and very compassionate person. Nice qualities to have!

I'm working on being more positive about my own oftentimes difficult life. Clinical depression sucks. I am a reluctant recluse big time.

I (as a gay man) do like the idea of "taking back" the word queer from many of those folks that have used it as a way to insult me (during my teens and early twenties). However, I understand that this is a highly subjective decision. I would never use it to insult anyone. Only to empower. And only when it is welcome.

The odd thing is that most everyone (apart from my family) always assumed I was a girl. This continued until I dropped out of high school. I could no longer stand the pressure (and fear) of telling guys (many of them much older than myself) that I was a boy, and so it was pointless to ask me out on dates, etc.

I dressed as a boy. I never pretended to be a girl. But I had very long hair (this was in the seventies), and was extremely effeminate. So straight guys were constantly hitting on me. Some became angry when I informed them they were mistaken. I was not a girl. And this is what frightened me most.

Anyway, your positive attitude continues to help me see that things could be much, much worse for me. I am not homeless. I am not starving. I do have one very good friend that accepts me just as I am. Life goes on...

HAROLD AND MAUDE

Harold has no friends
The grave is a friendly place
Maude won't let him go

QP

P.S. Watched the DVD last night...

 

Hey, where have you been QP? I was worried something had happened to you.

Thanks for your kind words, it's always nice to hear from you. xD

Believe me, trying to stay positive in my situation is a constant struggle. It's not always easy, that's for sure. But I always try to never lose sight of the fact that I could have it worse. Though I'm constantly aware that my life could get even worse than it is, which is a regular source of fear and trepidation for me. I guess that it's the combination of knowing that I'm all alone, and very vulnerable, where my fear comes from. But... no matter how low you might be, there is always others in an even worse situation, and that is something I always try to keep in mind.

"Reluctant recluse?" Yep, that sounds familiar! lol For me, being a hermit is a necessary evil, but the older I'm getting, the more the loneliness gets to me, I have to admit.

As for the word "queer", I've never used that as term for anyone, and never would use it. I can understand why some gay men like yourself want to claim the word back, but I myself would never use the word for a gay person.

You have been through a lot yourself, and you shouldn't downplay that, just because there might be others out there who are worse off. I am very glad to see that you are well, and that you have someone in your life who is a positive force.

 

Thanks, IS. The feeling is mutual. :sunny:

I was without computer access for a long while, so my only option was braving the public library - which I rarely did because it was always crowded (long wait), and it seemed like a lot of bother just to be able to use a computer for one hour.

However, things are looking up! I found a computer on Craig's List, so I should be able to swing by more often than before.

I've missed several of you from Hip Forums. I like all of the positive energy and insightful posts and comments. So it's great to be back. Big time.

I'm glad you're still here. I can totally relate to so much of what you say and write. It's often like looking into a mirror. :sunny:

QP

 

So glad to see you're back. Missed ya!

 

Thanks! It's good to be back. And I missed you!

QP

 

Oh I see! I had become really concerned as to why you had suddenly vanished from the boards. I'm glad you're okay.

And it is great to have you back! It has seemed a lot emptier around here without your prescence. Your positive energy and kind words always manages to make me smile. Which believe me, is a very difficult thing to do!

Woah, I'd really hope you don't see my reflection when looking in the mirror. I wouldn't wish that on anyone! lol Yes well, your return is one good reason for me to stay. Welcome back QP! *hugs*

 

I bet you're very attractive. We never see ourselves as other people do. And I thank you much for the warm welcome back! It's really awesome to be remembered by folks I honestly like and respect.

QP

 

Nah, male physical characteristics on a woman is never attractive, apart from to a small amount of people who have a particular attraction to that sort of thing. And the thought of someone being attracted to me specifically because of the male aspects of my appearance is absolutely mortifying. But anyway, I've abused my body so much over the years, I think I'd be unattractive even to those people now, which would actually be of some relief to me! lol

You're very welcome, I just hope this time you're here to stay! *hugs* I have missed you loads, and the respect is totally mutual.

 

I think that if you are planning a relationship with that person, they have a right to know up front. If it's s fling, don't even get into it. The longer you leave it, potentially, the worse the result.

 

I find this an interesting thread because nobody knows if it is just a fling. It takes times to form a relationship with anyone. Love comes from the heart and once real love develops between two people they don't question each other's reasoning. They are willing to listen and make up their minds from there, not from a preconceived notion, as most of these posters have talked about.

 

Your assumtion is NOT logical -- I, for one, would be elated beyond description to have the opportunity to "sleep" with a transexual, shemale, whatever you choose to call them. I am a married bisexual bottom only, and it would be the high point of my life to consumate my most erotic, provocative fantasy of all time to give my deepest inner reaches up to the sexual lust of a gorgeous 'shemale'.

So there!

 

It would matter to me.... sex is sex but if it does bother some then it should be known up front!

 

I guess if I was younger and looking for a woman to settle down with and have kids with then it would matter. Otherwise, for the purpose of sex, why would it matter? These days of course I prefer a cock anyway.

 

Very well said.