Question for seperated couples with kids

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by DarkLunacy, May 15, 2004.

  1. DarkLunacy

    DarkLunacy Senior Member

    Hey... If your kid starts acting up do you threaten to send them to live with the other parent? Mine did it some I'm trying to see if my family is just disfunctional or is that a norm
  2. Butterflygal

    Butterflygal Member

    No! I would never do that to my kids. I think it's wrong to do that and it brings down the child's self esteem more. THat's just my opinion.
  3. Maggie Sugar

    Maggie Sugar Senior Member

    I am not separated from my dh, but I am of two minds with this situation. I can see where a parent might get so frustrated that they might think "If he is so miserable here, he might be more happy with the other parent!" Some male adolesents to better with the parent of the same sex. Others do not. Is your mom or dad doing this for YOUR benefit, or is it being used as a threat to scare you? If it is the latter, it is not right.

    It is hard being a single parent. It is hard being a married parent with teens, many seem like they would be happier somewhere else.

    Can you and your parent get some counseling? There is no shame in it, our family has done it to get us through rough spots. Maybe tell your parent that counseling will give him or her better skills to deal with you and give you better skills to deal with life.

    I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. I have kids your age, and it is HARD being a teen.


  4. DarkLunacy

    DarkLunacy Senior Member

    Well see my parents divorced when I was 3 and my mom remaried to a real asshole at 5. I'm living with my dad now but it was always there as a threat.... Thanks for the kind words
  5. tom

    tom Member

    Just plain wrong. You can really mess with a kids melon by saying stuff like that. Also, just to throw it out there, I think it's also pretty messed up to threaten a kid to not let them see the other parent as a form of punishment.
  6. sugrmag

    sugrmag Uber Nerd

    I think as a threat of punishment, it makes the child think that the parent they are living with doesn't want them. That is messed up. But, if there is a legitimate problem with the living situation, like Maggie said, maybe the child would do better with the other parent, it needs to be discussed in a rational matter. Not "If you don't stop I'll send you to your mother/father!" That is very hurtful, and I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now. Maybe you should talk to your father and express to him how it hurts you when he says that. I know it's hard being a teenager today. I wish you the best.
  7. drumminmama

    drumminmama Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

    It probably is a common disfunction. We spew when under stress. I admit I asked my son if he was being a butt to be sent to dad.
  8. 7river

    7river on a distinguished path

    i think it could do damage to their psyche. i am raising a niece and nephew who were abandoned and i am still learning how deep their wounds go regaurding this.
    i had a different situation. i had the kids grandmother (not my mother) undermineing me, telling the kids if i get to weird or whatever they could live with her. fact is when i first took on the kids four years ago i asked for help, but they all turned their backs on me, i took the kids because i would not let them go into foster care. this grandma is only good for a lot of talk and a pair of sneakers now and then. so my nephew tells me one night when i made him go to bed early that this was child abuse and he wants to call grandma cause she said if i ever abused him he should call her and live with her...of course that infuriated me because one she is fucking with his head and two she has no intentions of carring through with it. her words created a very difficult dynamic for me to overcome....sorry to ramble. there are many other occurrences i have seen with many other kids, that tell me they are more sensitive to this then they appear.
  9. mariecstasy

    mariecstasy Enchanted

    i have several friends that this happened to and to tell you the truth each of them were scarred by it.
    i don't see how/ why a parent would pawn off their child in that manner. the reality of the situation is that if the parents had stayed together, where would they send the kid? no where. they would have simply taken care of the matter at hand and dealt with it in the best of their ability.
    so no.........if arianna ever gets out of hand, she will NEVER be pawned off
  10. DarkLunacy

    DarkLunacy Senior Member

    I can really connect with that. It really got me fummed how some kids would ditch home for a few days and pop back in and just get grounded cause they couldnt be sent away. When I got my car it was even worse becuase I became a drag. It was like "Hey Will lets chill at this party for a while longer" and I'd have to go cause I didnt want to be sent away.
  11. AutumnAuburn

    AutumnAuburn Senior Member

    I don't threaten my kids with their fathers... I threaten them with foster care... "If you aren't going to behave and do what you're supposed to do, if I can't control you and you can't control yourself, someone else will. Is that what you want? You want to go into foster care? You want strangers being your parents?"

    I don't think its wrong to do, if it's the truth. But, I don't believe in empty threats, anyways...

    But, I trust my ex's to do a somewhat decent job at raising their kids-when they have them. So, I actually look forward to the break, when they go there... And it wouldn't really be a threat, if I'm happy about it... lol
  12. DarkLunacy

    DarkLunacy Senior Member

    So you feel that you shouldnt need to be responsible for what you brought into the world? That its ok for your kids to believe that your gonna cast them aside and not even think twice. When you threaten that to your kids the first thing they think is "They don't love me" and by the sounds of it you really dont care...
  13. AutumnAuburn

    AutumnAuburn Senior Member

    I think you misunderstand me... I'm not talking about when my kids get snotty or disobedient... I mean when my kid is cutting school, having run-ins with the law, doing drugs and crap like that...

    And maybe you don't want to believe it, but its the truth. If you can't control your children (and your children can't control themselves), the government will do it for you. It's not that I would be casting them aside, they would be taken away from me. I want for them to understand that sometimes their actions have consequences that are beyond a simple grounding. If they get into enough trouble, they will be taken away.

    I have been a parent since I was 17 years old. Nearly half my life... In those years, I have learned that in order for me to be a good mother, I need to take a break, once in a while. My children will drive me insane, if I don't take some time for myself. That can mean locking the bathroom door and taking a bubble bath, or sending them to their fathers' house for the summer, or something in between...

    But, there is also the other side. I come from the "tough love" crowd. If my kid is going to be partying all the time, committing crimes, and generally being beligerent, then yeah, he can fall. I want my kids to see the consequences of their actions. I want them to feel it. I want them to learn from their mistakes. And if mommy and daddy cushion every fall you take, you will never learn anything. I know, I had to land my butt in jail, before I'd learn, but it did teach me, that's for sure.

    So, go ahead... Say I don't love my kids... They know better than that and so do I. In the end, it really doesn't matter what you think of my parenting, as long as I'm doing what I feel is right. But, I do just love to hear his father desperately looking for advice: "How did you get him to do what he is supposed to do? I can't do it. He was getting good grades when he was with you..." etc. etc. I just laugh and tell him the kid needs a father, not a friend. But, he wants to be his buddy. Ok, be your kid's friend, not his parent, see how well he does in your care...
  14. DarkLunacy

    DarkLunacy Senior Member

    Thats part of life isn't it? Don't you feel that you need to rear them and let them be their own person as well as teaching them right and wrong? Or do you leave that up to school, church or some other organization?

    But there is a difference between the goverment taking them away and you sending them away. It takes more then a few misdemenors to lose your kids. I have a record, as well as several friends who have done far worse then a few misdemenors and they were never taken. Sounds like if their going out and partying that their old enough to drive. They're almost gone at that point. You dont think that you should try to have a loving caring relationship before they go out into the world.

    Relaxing is one thing but sending them somewhere else for a "break" as you call it isn't always available to other parents, parents who do just fine. And if you ditch your kids (Thats what it is, dont kid yourself) by sending them to either the other parent or foster care, thats not being a good mother is it? You'd feel better maybe but your kids gonna feel like shit.

    Then let your kids feel the consequenses and don't make some to add to it. Make it clear that your not going to sweep to their rescue if they fuck up. Like you said yourself, you had to land in jail before you learn. You honestly think foster care will make the kid straighten out? And what were the lasting impression you got from the tough love crowd?

    Ok... First, when you threaten to ditch your kids what do you think goes through their head? You think its "Man they wanna get rid of me. What love!" You love to hear your better then their dad at being a parent. Wow. Thats looking out for the kids, "I'm better than you". Quick question though. Do you both see the kids equally or did you have them a majority of thier lives? As far as your parent/not friend attitude I agree. But does that mean its a conflict, you vs the kids? My relationship with my mom has been destroyed by the fact she continued to send me away at the rough patches. I love her yes, but want nothing to do with her. Thats what happens when you make those threats to your kids. My mom was threatening me since I was 8. That leaves lasting impressions. When I look back I get depressed, which led to lots of repression. When that shit resurfaces then it hurts an insane ammount. Send away your kids. Go for it. Even if its to their dads. When they get out on their own see how often they talk to you. My mother came from the "tough love" crowd like you did. She talks to her mother once about every other year. Great to know huh Ma? When I leave, I doubt I'll talk to my mom much. As far as my kids go, I'm taking a pot shot but its a valid point, I'm almost 17 and I have sex, and I'm responsible enough to wear a condom. When I do have a kid, I'm not going to dictate him through my experiences because I believe that what I did helped me learn a lot about who I am and how the world is. Your kids don't have your experiences, their still learning. I will be a parent first, and a listening friend second. But as long as their dad's asking for help, you must be doing good right? Don't have em if your not gonna raise em. Their people with feelings, not cattle or inventory.
  15. AutumnAuburn

    AutumnAuburn Senior Member

    <major snippage>

    Okay, apparently we are having a bit of a communication problem. Either you aren't hearing me, or I'm not making myself clear. Either way, I'm done. Believe what you wish. I'm not a bad mother. My kids feel very loved and I don't pawn them off. But, whatever... Think what you will. I'm politely shaking your hand and leaving this thread, because we obviously can't communicate effectively...
  16. AutumnAuburn

    AutumnAuburn Senior Member

    I'm slow on the uptake today and *just* realized what you meant by this...

    You are assuming that I had my child out of wedlock, yes? And you are assuming that he was an accident, yes?

    No. You couldn't be farther from the truth....

    I gave birth to a child that had been tried for, for quite some time, 18 months after my wedding day. I was married for 9 months before I got pregnant. It wasn't me being a stupid kid getting accidentally knocked up.

    So take your pot shot and smoke it. Don't be so assuming...

    Alright, NOW I'm done. I just had to make that clear, since you seem to think you know me and my life so well...
  17. DarkLunacy

    DarkLunacy Senior Member

    I'm just saying that having a kid at 17 is a very abnormal thing. Very few people can handle a child at 17. And to be trying at 17 blows my damn mind. And not meaning to assume, you were later seperated from their father correct?
  18. AutumnAuburn

    AutumnAuburn Senior Member

    Well, some 16 year olds are more mature than others... Wouldn't you agree?

    I was married at 16, had my first child at 17, got clean and sober at 18 and divorced at 19. At 20 I met a wonderful man who was a single dad. We got together and when I was 21 we had a child. We married when our son was about 4. Then, about 10 years after we got together (in 1999), I decided that I wanted a divorce. Therefore, I have two children, from two different fathers.

    Their dads, while loving men, aren't the most responsible creatures on Earth. But, I have not let that interfere with their relationships with their children. So, when either of my sons wants to go visit their dad for the summer, I let them. And I have learned to enjoy the time off, myself. But I digress...

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