Question for feminist subs

By being submissive i actually feel like i have the power in our relationship. By agreeing to be submissive and to being punished and disciplined i am the one, in my opinion, in control. im getting what i want at the end of the day. If i do something that deserves punishment i have the power to do either something big or small, depending on what tye of punishment i will receive. So, i have the choice at the end of the day, (even though my partner hasnt figured this one out yet)

 

Hey, Top - did you ever talk to your boyfriend about this stuff?

 

I know or knew many woman and girls who are very self- confident and rather dominant then submissive in daily life, but like it to give up control and enjoy being punished and dominated as a part of sexual and consensual play.

 

Hi hon, yeah I did have a really good talk with him the other night actually. I brought it up after we'd been having sex and were chilling out, I said how much I enjoyed it and told him what it was I enjoyed and what I'd like more of. I actually asked him straight out if he liked dominating me and if it turned him on when I acted submissive, (it was always pretty clear that it did, but I just thought since I was the one wanting to go further that maybe he was holding back for a reason).

He said that he actually was holding back because he's scared of hurting me - so sweet - and didn't realise how little he was hurting and what a tease that was! Basically he thought that he was closer to the threshold than he actually was and realised that he shouldn't assume where my/our pain threshold actually is! Anyway, he appreciated talking about it can getting some validation that he's on the right track, just needs to trust me more.

Trust is such a big thing, for both people. We'd talked about trust before but it was more like I'm trusting him because he's the dominant one, but I pointed out that he needs to trust me to let him know when it's too much and to guide him. If he trusts me he can just let go and enjoy my wailing and gasping as he spanks away, not having to be distracted by the thought "god, I really must be hurting her, better ease off"

 

Holy shit, that's fucking great, Top! That sounds like an awesome conversation. I"m incredibly psyched. Has he actually followed through by spanking the hell out of you yet?

 

Not yet, I kind of re-invigorated an old netball knee that night, heh. But once I can kneel again, bring it on!!

 

What, there's no table to bend you over?

 

duh.

Actually I've been reluctant to get naked out of the bedroom lately because - and don't laugh or call me an old biddy - it's fucking cold!! Laying my naked breasts on the ice cold kitchen table is on my "absolutely not" list, haha!

Must go buy some firewood this weekend!

 

That's, ah...weirdly, that's actually sortof an interesting point, Cruel. Dworkin's hatred for the bondage fetish was solidly established. Here's a quote from her:

"... And if I say I didn't like it people say it's a lie, you can't face it, you can't face how you liked it; and I can't explain to them that I'm not like them...I been facing what I liked since I was born and being tied up isn't what they think, the words they use like "sadomasochism" or "bondage," three-dollar words for getting a trick to come, and they get all excited just to say them because they read about them in books and they are all philosophers from the books and I hate them, I hate the middle-class goons who have so much to say but never spent one fucking day trying to stay alive...fucking middle-class hypocrite farts. I have a list. I remember you ones. You try to pull the wool over someone else's eyes about how smart you are and what humanitarians you all are on the side of whoever's hurting. Nelson Mandela provoked it. What do you think about that assholes?"

Cruel, you're misunderstanding Dworkin badly - like many people, you're exaggerating how anti-man and anti-sex she was - but I disagree with her myself.

Waddya think, Top? Can Dworkin's beliefs - and I think they had their place - coexist with our fetish for being tied up and whacked in the ass? *grin*

 

I think it is totally normal for this to sit alongside your social and political ideology, as you say. Also, I admire people who have the capacity for that kind of complexity. It's attractive and interesting. Do you like Naomi Wolf, by the way? I love her writing. She's extremely bright, and very genuine.

 

im reading a book
called shakespeares division
of experience
it is feminist critiques of shakespeares plays
it says you like to be submissive because
of the way you raised you were taught
that being submissive to males is lady like
so it feels comfortable to you to be submissive

 

i got a question does anyone else
hate recreational feminists
that want to be a feminist
when it suits there needs
and be a antifeminist when it is profitable
to there needs?

 

Well that's not a great thing for them to do but don't waste your time disliking it. Focus on the people you admire.

 

I tend to fall into a rather submissive role when I'm comfortable with someone. I've been in relationships with large amounts of power exchange. At one point in my life I struggled with the idea of being a feminist and yet not really falling into the generic category of being a feminist. Just like most things in my world, I eventually realized it really doesn't matter. I very much believe in equal rights and opportunities....I also believe in not passing judgement. I will fight till the end for equal rights and freedoms...but I may not go around burning my bra, finding a full time high powered career....but if that's what other women choose...that's spectacular. It's all about having the freedom to do so. Hmmmm...I hope this rambling makes a little sense.

 

i consider myself more on the feminist side of most issues, and since im submitting to my girlfriend, it just makes me love women even more :]

 

I call myself a feminists. But I don't think that that means I'm in control, as that is not the case. I believe I have the right to choose.

And I choose to have a truely fair relationship. My boyfriend and I don't do the same things, but we both work 7-5 (He at his job and I at household things) In return for the lovely home I make, he pays for things, and in return for always paying I give him a wonderful home. It is completely fair.

I guess I just don't understand it when women want to be treated nicely (they want a gentleman), but don't treat there man as such. My guy opens doors and is always giving me flowers, in return I am always (or at least I try to always be) respectful and obidient. I think that it's only fair that way.

I also understand that some men don't do that, and if mine didn't I wouldn't be so submissive to him.

So, in my opinion as a feminist, every relationship should be, not equal (as most women don't really want equality when you think about it, they just don't want to be submissive, but still think they deserve a gentleman), but fair.

 

Hey folks, I haven't visited this site in ages, it's good to be back. I'm stoked you kept this thread going all this time

Cruel I agree with you in many ways, and I probably should have clarified my earlier statement that I "liked" Dworkin, I can't identify with anything she says but I am amused to read her provocations within the context of new wave feminism. I like provocation if it results in intelligent conversation.

Hmm, can Dworkin's - or any new wave - theories co-exist with our love of submission? MB if you're still out there my love, that was a fucking good question! I don't think they can, Dworkin's whole premise is based on the idea that the sexual act is itself an act of oppression, I mean, where do you go from that? A kiss is an act of oppression? A touch? A glance? A co-existence on the same planet? This is where I feel the chasm between me and the previous generation of women. I read The New Victorians by Rene Denfeld, which is an interesting reading of second wave theory by a third-waver.

Still, I don't think Dworkin really plunges the psychological depths of why we like what we do in sex and what that means.

ramble ramble ramble. Anyhoo, it's always great to read your thoughts,

best wishes to everyone
xx

 

Spinningtop, may I suggest that as long as you are happy with your situation, societal beliefs that change like a chameleon at times should not get in your way of being you. As long as it works for you and your partner IMHO, you are fine. Outside the bedroom, you can be right in line with the fads in vogue. But that bedroom is your sanctuary and your partner's and societal trends take a backseat. Best of luck to you and congratulations for sticking up for independent thought. Smile

Pat

 

it turns me on a lot if a guy does this during or before everything else, even thinking about it makes me horny..i want to feel like a sexy slut..i can get extreme in my requirements!