Without having read through every post... I am aware of a personal desire for promiscuity, yet im in a monogamous relationship. Conceptually, the common understanding is the path of conquering and sleeping around proves to be empty. Yet, I still have this juvenile pattern operating. Is it possible to mature into monogamy without first acting out playing around? - ie - to do this from within monogamous relationship? in other words, does promiscuity stem from some form of repression around sexuality and if healed, becomes abundantly satisfying within a monogamous relationship? Or is it something that needs to be matured through by 'getting it out of the system'? I would like to hear from people that have walked the different paths, and what they found..
I think the act of "getting it out of ones system" only fosters the habit even more. I believe people DO what they WANT to do. So if you would like to be more faithful and monogamous to one person - you need to act upon it. Of course, we are humans and no one is perfect so do not expect perfection from the beginning. You will likely fail before you succeed. The important thing is that your will is good, and hopefully have not hurt your partner / relationship beyond repair.
I think if you get into monogamy too young, you end up spending a lot of time wondering what you missed out on. Also, getting deep into a serious relationship too young can have a devastating effect on your education and career.
Motivations for sexual promiscuity are personal to the individual who experiences it. For example, I may act sexually promiscuous because of my deep rooted desire to spite my mother. She judges me and almost competes with me on a level borderline inappropriate. This is not so but I'm using it as an example of what could be. I do have a friend that sleeps around because she's insecure. She's probably one of the most sexually attractive, and across the board good looking women but she has severe insecurity and feeling of inadequacy. She reassures her self worth by maintaining an "image" with others and the validation of men via sex. She bases her self worth on the sexual escapades so she seeks many partners because she has an insatiable egotistical appetite to constantly feel great about herself. This is not normal. I know someone else who has three failed marriages, and is currently sleeping with 4+ men on a regular basis. She sometimes has sex with two in a day. She's totally juggling these men, with a goal of marriage! Does that sound crazy or what? I believe that she's reached a point in her life, where she's in such a hurry to settle down (again) that she has placed far too many irons in the fire only to see which one pans out. Her needs are met by multiple men, none of them meet all but they each do something for her like a patchwork quilt. So she's not truly giving to one partner, and accepting any of them for WHO they are. She picks and chooses which qualities to accept from a man, and then rejects the rest of him. Does that sound like someone you would like to spend your life with? For her, I believe she's constantly running and trying to seek personal fulfillment through the opinion of others (similar to the second example above). She quickly grows bored with people, or burns bridges easily because she is very shallow, she doesn't truly invest in people. It's very "surface" with her. Marriage means commitment and devotion. I take it very seriously, you commit to the person for life. You should not rush to marriage, and you should make sure you have picked the right partner for it. It's a promise to my husband that I'm his, for better or worse I will be by his side and not leave him. True, he may break the promise - but I will know in my heart I was a true and honest person. Of course, I don't have problems being stepped on either - that doesn't bother me because I am quite resilient and I know my value. Peoples misgivings to me, say more about them and the way they respect themselves than it does about me. Those are examples of completely different motivations for promiscuity. I'd like to give an opinion but without knowing more of your story, I'd be guessing / reaching. Care to share more about yourself and the situation?
I've been in an exclusive relationship in the past and I didn't like it. The problem is that I don't understand exclusivity. I don't see the point, I don't see the reason. So, if I'm exclusive, it's just to please a man. And just for how long can one please another at the cost of living against one's convictions? So, I've done that when I was still too young and inexperienced and thought it was worth and the right thing to do. I've repressed myself to please a man. It is easier to be exclusive, because you know your partner won't have STDs, you have a partner available when you want him (well, not always true, is it?), but, to me, it is unnatural and unreasonable. With my husband, I've told him from the beginning I didn't see a reason why two atheist people like ourselves should conform to exclusivity. Most of the time, we are kind of exclusive, because it is easier, comfortable. We are each other's favorite partner for sex. But whenever we feel like we wanna bother to go find different strokes around, we are free to do it and we do it. I'm just saying how I think about it and how I've moved away from exclusivity, instead of toward it. At no moment I'm telling people what they should do with their lives and relationships.
It's complex....how your raised, one's temperament (which genetics plays a huge role in), and subjective analysis of oneself in 1 particular environment and who around them influences them are all MAJOR factors to consider. Then you have factors that can change any of the factors mentioned above, like traumas , or drugs that would alter how the brain works and can CHANGE the factors like temperament permanently as the brain can be altered. --- For instance there are cases where a completely virginal person, undergoes a sexual trauma like rape and after such a trauma, goes through a "nymphomanic" type stage which is a behavioral act others around him/her would wonder if that would have occurred if the trauma didn't take place. Others who undergo the exact same trauma, might react and become super prudish, or just be super resilient to trauma and resume a normal life just fine so my point is that one can never really know. Others just are super horny and feel the need to play around sexually. Other times people go through sexually rebellious stages just to "get back" at super-controlling parents/step-parents, and that then is also compounded by normal teenage hormones + self-esteem complexes, and the status of dating or being with certain people in public. ---- ^Trust issues? I think people that choose monogamy and do it successfully, find that it brings the relationship closer together emotionally and also with the practical benefits you said in your 3rd paragraph. (This is regardless of one's belief of faith) With faith, I imagine there are spiritual connotations as well, and you see hypocrisy in individuals who are "practicing monogamy" <(sarcasm), and are of a ____ faith that dictates monogamy but don't really internalize or personally relate to their faith's values. Those that follow the faith honestly in this department, I think adopt or go through a similar personal mental process that other successful monogamous couples do, and their faith never was a block for them to understand themselves their relationships, love, and sex for whatever reason. --- Now I've said i'm Christian in the past, but despite that I practice monogamy now under this logic also: I've had moments where, if I like/love my partner, why would I want to waste time with another person sexually when all my needs are met by my partner? That sense of "comfort" is chosen over the need to try something "new/unknown". In fact the latter might scare one or the other. In a similar sense, trying sexual partners is akin to trying new foods. Some people are more adventurous than others and it has nothing to do with any particular religion one has been indoctrinated with, or lack thereof. Sometimes it can be simply explained by the person's temperament. (are you shy or more outgoing?) If one is shy by default, I'd imagine they wouldn't enjoy being promiscuous, they couldn't relax to enjoy the sex. It'd probably be rape for them to be honest.
I think promiscuity depends on your personality type. I can say, pretty honestly, that I never had an urge to explore different sexual partners. It is not my nature. I love sex, for sure. At the end of the day it just isn't that important to me. I am glowingly happy in a monogamous relationship. I'm loved unconditionally and treated like the most valuable human being on earth. No matter what happens or what stupid decisions I have made I know I can come home and be accepted for exactly who I am. Sex lasts for a few minutes, but this overwhelming feeling of devotion and love lasts forever. I think monogamy wins every time.
Here's a question though that is a very DEEP THOUGHT question, and PLAYERS USE this question ALONG THESE LINES A LOT to get into a girl's pants, especially if she's shy(aka: genuinely or playing hard to get). "How well do you know your nature though?" What I've learned is that if the girl, has even a fraction of insecurity, she'll swallow this line hook, line, and sinker, and she will most likely compromise her moral beliefs or at least experiment, and the guy who used this line on her will get laid. ^Women have you witnessed this to be true or not? --- I'll admit I've used a variation of that line to start some serious relationships, which failed for other reasons, but I've never used that line to treat girls as if they were a game or object. That is what differentiates me from the typical "player".
Haha, not my intention! Just my take on it. I know a lot of people who feel exactly like you do--that having diverse sexual partners leads to knowing what you want, and a lack of feeling as though you missed out. You could even argue that monogamy is unnatural for humans. Most people that I know are prone to either "dating around" (having many brief and passionate relationships) or engage in several long term relationships. It just depends upon what you find fulfilling. I'm thankful that I had the option. 60 years ago (or less) women were looked down upon for having sex outside of marriage, never mind having several sexual partners. I have exercised this freedom, for sure. I resented when people warned me as a teen that I would regret having sex with someone who is not my husband. I do not regret my past sexual experiences, they were beautiful, a learning experience & a product of meaningful love. I really do feel like there is validity in your viewpoint, Karen. Just not for me, personally. .
Alright, I'm not interested in neat categories, so I'm going to answer from the opposite side of the spectrum: I'm actually in an open relationship and sleeping around less than I ever did. There was a time when I seriously took it upon myself to satisfy all my fantasies, and did. Nowadays, I'm picky to the point of snobbery. It's hard work getting me laid. :biggrin: I really give people no chances at all, though I'm allowed. However, I would still say that all the experience I've had was simply my destiny. Edit: And 'getting it out of your system' is probably false comfort. It'll never be completely out. Although it's true that it takes a lot more to impress me.
monkjr I don't want to quote all the text. You wrote "trust issues?" to a fairly long post……..can you narrow it down a bit… I don't know what you mean.
Oh, I was asking if you thought your friend (the one who has gone through 3+ marriages and seems to be in a rush to settle down) has trust issues when it comes to opening up and therefore is causing a loop of failure, in terms of what she is really looking for. Sorry about being vague, I had a lot to say in that post to lots of different people in the thread and had to type what I could before all my thoughts and commentary slipped away.
I don't know if a threesome or fourway is "natural" or not, but it sure can be fun! :reddevil: :leaving:
Long and short of it, yeah. Still, I believe in letting losers be losers. They'd be worse losers aping winners. In that sense, I see value in monogamy. As in religion. As in government.
Its certainly possible. She was sexually assaulted around the age of 5, and then physically abused from age 12-15 until she ran away. Her sisters were as well. One had urinary incontinence into adulthood and never really dates or anything, the other very sexually promiscuous and several abortions but is married (to a man that is very abusive actually). So why she is sexually promiscuous …. I hate to say it but probably because of her past. She lacked any type of steady figure in her life, maybe that also plays a part. She's been through a lot of trauma, and I sympathize but I feel like at some point a person needs to decide whether they want to continue to be a victim or overcome it. It actually hurts me to say that too. I don't know really. Edit: I guess it would be difficult for her to have those interpersonal skills I mentioned before, considering the abuse took place in her formative years. I feel there is a considerable degree of impersonality connected to having multiple partners at once. And perhaps keeping it on the surface makes those relationships easier to maintain.