I just spoke to my sister who is saving herself for marriage. She said she thinks that for both men and women, promiscuity is about some pain that is trying to be avoided, like from being abused or not having a father. A lot of black people are raised in fatherless homes. Men don't know how to be men. They see videos with women as sex objects and think that's normal. For years, I have been a sex positive feminist. Sex positive means having sex with whomever you want, however you want, as long as it's safe, consensual, and legal. I consider myself relatively happy as does my therapist. Some days are better than others. I would like to eventually settle down and raise a family. I just haven't gotten it out of my system. I sort of fear I never will. Then again, if I don't get married, oh well, who cares. Look how much divorce there is. Then there's being a widow. So I will eventually be alone for a long stretch of time. I am totally paranoid sometimes that I'm being judged by the world, that they know something's different about me and that they will try to stop me. Thoughts?
Just be happy with yourself, don't worry what other people think about you. I think most people who are quick to judge others, have a few skeletons in their own closet.
I agree, do what makes you happy and fulfilled. Seems there is always someone, no matter what you do, that will pass judgement. It's all about individual happiness. If you enjoy and it's not hurting anyone else, then I wouldn't care what people thinks.
Your sister can only speak for herself, and make observations about what she has seen in the world. Sex is a complicated subject, so it's never going to be the same for everybody. I used to be around people who tried promiscuity because they saw that a lot of guys were into it, and we kept doing it because it was fun. Except for a little rebellion against authority, I don't think anything bigger was going on. For most, it was a phase they were going through. I don't think the whole "saving yourself for marriage" thing is very practical, because it limits your options too much. Most guys won't put up with it. Who wants to settle for dating a desperate loser who can't get any pussy? Being a mom isn't for everybody, and it sure as hell isn't for me. It's an intense, 24/7 job for women who really love it. The world population is growing fast enough, without my help. And yes, you are being judged by the world, just like everybody else is. There's nothing we can do about it. Everybody has their opinions. I just try not to flaunt mine too much in front of the general public. They don't need to know everything. As a strong woman, you need to give yourself permission to be different from everybody else, if that's what it takes to make you happy. If you really think about it seriously, there are no other good options.
I think we fuck, because it's good. Surely, if one looks hard enough, one's going to find some label for you. It's their problem, not yours. Sex is good, but so many people try to make it a bad thing. This thing of virginity till marriage, if it works for her, good, but that alone won't make a marriage a succes. I personally wouldn't wanna have a relationship with a man who'd care. But that's just me, of course. I prefer men who know sex drive isn't an illness.
"Promiscuity is about some pain that is trying to be avoided, like from being abused or not having a father." Sometimes it is. Being abused or not having a father are profound influences on one's life, they will effect every aspect of it. Also, trying to avoid pain (from what ever cause) through promiscuity is not necessarily a bad thing. The good/badness of promiscuity is determined by the results of sleeping around, not by what causes the promiscuity. (Doing X is good/bad because X leads to good/bad things. X coming from good/bad source doesn't make doing X good or bad.) Society judging you? Well, a lot of the time, people's judgement of you is based not on what is good or bad for you, but on how closely you match their expectations. Its also common for someone to misperceive what judgements "society" delivers. One jerk can cause you to think that everybody is judging you harshly. You're in therapy, so you have a better idea of what is going on in your head than I do. It seems like you are concerned that you are stuck in promiscuity. That the pleasure that you get from it is preventing you from developing the kind of relationships that will lead to a family. I don't know if that's actually the case and if it is I don't know how to give you the moral fibre to forgo pleasure now in the quest for future joy.
I'm very promiscuous. Dudes sometimes ask me to marry them. I have received proposals I took seriouy, and ones that I know were just the product of that period of delusion some people enter after orgasm. Sometimes I loved the men who proposed. I accepted twice, married once. My husband of five years is pressing me for children. When he proposed I wanted to have children with him. Now, I'm not so sure. I'm not sure how stable our relationship is, and if we divorce, I'm leaving the country. I don't want to rip a family apart, so I'm waiting to see if my husband will take any steps toward stabilizing our relationship. I'm always the one trying to fix it while he sits back and waits for it to blow over. He is a very good man. Smart, compassionate, funny, playful, dilligent, creative, thoughtful and romantic. I need him to commit to the work needed by our marriage. So, in my case, the opportunities to make a family with quality candidates have been present. I am promiscuous, but not indiscriminate, and that may be why. I don't have to be friends with a man before I lay with him, but that potential for a real friendship must exist. Because of that, sometimes the men I see and I fall for each other. It happens.
When it comes to the survival of the species, everything in nature relies on a rewards system, which is why the basest urge to procreate is probably the most sought after sensual reward there is. It's only because mankind has developed to the point of self awareness that he is able to have sex purely for pleasure, gaining the rewards, while actively taking steps to avoid the natural course of events by using contraception to avoid conception.
There can be a sex positive side of you that doesn't have sex. If you decide that you really want to have a committed relationship with someone, then you have decided you only want to have sex with someone who sees you in that same way...that is still sex positive. It is choosing to have sex with someone who wants the same thing you want. It takes a little commitment to yourself first. It takes commitment to your true desires. You love sex, but you want something more than just sexual relationships. So you get yourself a nice toy or two or three and you date men and you find someone worth a committed relationship to have sex with. Test yourself. Don't settle for this fear that you can't do it. I always used to tell people I was not monogamous...I had this fear I would never be able to be monogamous. But eventually I tried it and I went full force in a monogamous relationship and while it was difficult and somewhat against my nature, I found that I was really good at monogamy and I have realized that is what I want in the future as well. The reason I would parade around people saying I was not monogamous was because I feared that I wouldn't be able to commit...but it's as easy as opening yourself up and allowing yourself to transcend, not only other people's labels, but also your own.
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong point of view here. One could easily say your sister is a fool for waiting or say how special as she’s saving herself. Far as you, you can easily argue you are exercising your own free right to sleep with whomever you want on your terms. Others like your sister could call you a slut and judge you for it. Regardless I’m not here to judge but I will say that it sounds like you already have some important things figured out and have put some good thought into things already which I think is a really good thing. It does sound like you have some acceptance issues which is the basis for this thread. And at the very least it does sound like you have may some commitment issues Life in the end is an adventure. Some people aren’t destine to settle down, some aren’t destine to have kids, some are destine to remain single, some are destine to get married and divorced 5 times because lucky #6 is right around the corner. There’s nothing wrong with anything so long as you aren’t intentionally hurting people or leaving a wake of destruction in your path. In the end you have to accept and understand that people are biased, judgmental and flawed. Who or what is to say they are right? Some higher power or societal belief? Bahhh…. If you’ve found happiness out of life then you have found the secret and enjoy it. If you are not happy or feel something is missing then take the steps to fulfill that. Oh and listen to this, as many times as you need to - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI"]Wear Sunscreen
I also agree with basically everybody else has said. I just want to add that divorce statistics don't look at individual couples, the ratio of marriages and divorces that occurred in any given year is what gives us the statistics we hear and read about. For instance it's entirely possible that for the last 2 decades, multiple couples married young and stayed in a healthy relationship and are just fine and probably will be for the long term. It just means that their peers are dragging down the average, and then you got to factor in the trend that less marriages are happening, and that'll tweak the statistics because divorces don't seem to be slowing down. So just keep that in mind Samantha when you hear those divorce statistics, take them with perspective so they don't feed into any paranoia you have about the concept of marriage/divorce, and what it might mean for you.
You probably are being judged. I don't know how anyone could possibly think that promiscuous women are respected in general society. I'm not saying it's a good thing, but I think it's true. I don't think you have an issue, but I really don't think too many guys are keen on settling down with someone who sleeps around a lot... even if they themselves do it. This is why so many women either don't sleep around, or don't talk about it/lie. On the other hand, there are also some understanding guys out there who won't mind.
She is either judging you or deep down she cares about you. All we know is what you tell us, so only you can decide which is which. Now with that said, you sound like you have an issue with low self esteem. This calling your self a slut has to go. You need to love and respect your self. I'm not saying you shouldn't screw around, if it feels good do it. I'm simply saying you need avoid judging and labeling your self. Anyhow, avoid negative people and have fun.
