I am (f23) with a man (m29) that I love and we are in a 100% committed relationship.He's pretty great and he and definitely doesn't shy away from talking about our issues and in fact really encourages it. In my previous relationship of 4.5 years with my ex, any time I had a problem I was met with complete silence. An example of how such conversations would go: Me: Babe I am having a problem with x (I'm the only one who cleans, your drunken friends won't stop hitting on me, I am feeling emotionally unfulfilled), and I'd really like to talk about it. Him: *silence* Me: It's just that it really bothers me when x happens and I need your help trying to sort it out. Him: *silence* Me: I know it's hard for you to talk about your feelings... *launch into long rambling rant, basically talking to myself about him and his emotions* Him: *sighs* Basically it always ended there. Our biggest issue was that he never talked to me, one time I asked him WHY he sometimes just straight up ignored the things that I said, (like I would tell an anecdote from my day and he would literally say nothing) and he said, "sometimes I don't give a fuck about what you have to say". That's word for word. Its something that really hurt me. Now, I have turned into my ex. When my partner and I have an issue where he is upset with me, I completely shut down. I often find myself saying things like "I don't know what to say" or just simply saying nothing, turning away from the whole conversation and ignoring it. We have made compromises in the past, he likes to yell and call me names when we fight, his anger is a little scary but we have worked on this and now he is way better at approaching me when he is upset, instead of flying into a rage and escalating the situation. So even when he approaches me even tempered I still am at a loss for words. I feel like there are a lot of things that I think and feel that my partner would like to hear, but I just feel like they are my own personal issues and I guess I'm the suffer in silence type. He says frequently that he wishes I would talk to him, that I put all this effort in my past relationship but not this one, and I really want to improve on this. Does anyone else experience difficulty in communicating their feelings? Why can't I just say how/what I feel?
Yep, but I have difficulty communicating because I have a penis, so not the same problem. Sometimes I think you're just caught off-guard in the situation, and I think the best thing to say is "Can you give me a little time to work out how to respond to you?" And don't use that as an excuse to just avoid the issue. Just think through what he said, and how you feel, and work out what you want to say, and bring it up with him again when you're calm and collected.
honestly both your ex and your current beau sound like dickheads. but yeah, I'm horrible at communicating. My boyfriends more or less have reacted in similar ways when I try to communicate which makes me think it must be me doing something wrong but I don't know how to fix it.
It sounds to me like you're just not used to a guy that talks to you because you previously had a guy that never talked to you. Really, I don't think you should stress about it. Without knowing you I'm fairly sure you will get used to it because at one point or another you did talk. You just have to remember that it's okay to talk again. You're not in the same relationship and you're not with the same guy. Finally you get what you want, a guy that talks to you. Yes, in the beginning he talked to you too much in regards to yelling and calling you names, but you said that you worked on that. For someone to go from yelling and calling someone names as a defense mechanism to more respectful levels of communication, that's impressive. So, all you have to do is get used to having something good for once, but you will sooner than later.
Communication has to work both ways..talking is very important...but if you both talk bullshit...just leave it... just ignoring a discussion or saying nothing....I find it wrong===it's giving in... if it ends in a macho talk...just tell that dude he has got to mind what he's saying... communicating is about changing ideas about anything which one both mutually find interesting.. could be anything in this world from flowers to sex and everything inbetween.. lots of peeps do not know how to talk to eachother..lots of relationships go on the brink that way.. little bit more respect for each other is a way to feel eachother more on a mental level... communication starts between our 2 ears...in our brain... what we think and what we say...we have often have to consider the consequences... and if there is a lack of communication...it should be restored.. communication is a great thing..If it's done in the right way... we are humans and not animals...
I am out of a 15 year marriage and one of the major thongs I learned was COMMUNICATION!!!!! We didnt communicate. Sure we did the small talk, but not talk about issues we had. I never felt like I was safe in sharing my feelings. Whenever we would disagree, he wouldn't give me the space needed to process, nor allow me to apologize first..and I was wrong (at times). Now, I try very hard to be open with communication. It is on those crucial, difficult conversations that couples/people grow closer. For this reason, I want a strong friendship first.
