Problem with my brother

Every time I'm around my brother he finds a way to make me feel like crap. This has been going on a very long time. Many years.

It stems from when our parents divorced. We were separated by parent. He chose to go live with our dad who bought toys and tasty (junk) food and video games, and me, too young to chose, was (in light of brother's decision) was assigned to live with our mom. Our mom is a super responsible christian lady. No drugs, no junk food (ever!) guidance, etc. Our dad was an alcoholic that bought pizza and toys for my brother all the time. It was appealing when he was young, but as he grew older he didn't care for those things and began to resent me for having the better parent, blatantly speaking. I loved our dad, but he lacked parenting skills, severly. He drank himself to death almost eight years ago.

My brother used to say it wasn't fair I got to live with our mom, even though he chose and I was assigned by a court. This translated into resentment throughout our teenage and adult lives.

I dated a few people for long periods and was made fun of for it as he just kinda slept around. I never really got into drugs (except pot) and was accused of being a wuss or living too safe. I gained a bit of weight and was teased by him for it. I then lost the weight and got in great shape. He then made fun of me for being single. He educated himself when I didn't and made fun of me for being uneducated. I then studied philosophy and became a botanist, and I was made fun of for not having a 'real' job. Years ago I met my wonderful girlfriend and instead of insulting me for being single, he tried to find faults in my lady and relationship.

It's been one fucking thing after the next my entire life.. Well, for 18 years. He finds one thing to fault me for. When I fix it or change it he finds something else.

He suffers from many insecurities and anxieties because of our childhood, whereas I chose to deal with it in a more healthy way. And because of this, he's projecting his insecurities onto me in the form of insults. When I got a good job, when I got in good shape, when I got a fantastic girlfriend, when I buy her jewelry, when I wear nice suits, he will find a fault to insult me with when he sees me being successful instead of being supportive.

I love my brother and I don't fault him for this. I know it's just his insecurities and resentment speaking, so I just let it go because I am very happy with my life. But it's gotten to the point where I don't know how to deal with him.

If I was rude and blatant like he is, it would hurt him more. He's more sensitive than I am. So I don't want to give him a taste of his own medicine. I can't be rude to him and I don't want to hurt his feelings. But it's gotten to the point where he says these rude things in public so that other people can hear and they look at us. It's embarrassing and I don't want to be around him anymore but I feel guilty if I don't spend time with him. And if I don't I'll never get to see his daughter. I love my niece so much. She's my best friend and a happy little wonderful cherub. We're very close.

So, I just take his shit and quietly smile awkwardly as he tries to tear me down. I don't know how to deal with him. My lady thinks I should make him feel the way he makes me feel, but I can't. I'm just not that person. I don't know what to do.


If anybody reads this, I appreciate very much. Any advice is very appreciated. As I feel more and more like just distancing myself from him and letting him live with his own demons. But I want to have a brother and I want to be with my niece.

 

Do you think anyone really believes that. Why is it always when its something perceived as negative blame the childhood, blame the parents. But if its something seen as positive the person will take credit themselves for it.

Its such a copout

 

Of course I believe it. He's my brother and I know him very personally. He is medicated for an anxiety disorder and has issues that stem from our childhood. Yes, I believe it. I know it. We have the same mother and family doctor. And he does talk about his issues.

Why? Because a persons childhood greatly shapes the adult they become.

 

I'm a bit familiar with the nature of older brothers. I have three older brothers but I've never been close to any of them. They did make fun of me when growing up and actually still do. They probably just felt they were doing to me what all older siblings do but all of 'torture' really gave me some issues and anxiety that I still carry with me.

Have you talked to him directly about this? Just be honest with him and tell him that it really gets to you when he's constantly making fun of you. He's sounds like a hurt person and maybe making fun of you is his defense mechanism. Maybe he should look into therapy so he can talk about his problems (problems from the past and any he has now).

How is he as a parent? You said his niece is a good kid so is that just luck or is he actually a good parent and doing the opposite of what your father did?

 

Thanks for reading Rainy. I've mentioned before that I think his comments are ignorant. But he will defend his behaviour at many costs so as to avoid the embarrasment of coming to terms with his insecurities. You're exactly right. It is a defence mechanism.

He's a good parent. There was one time that was a problem that I felt wasn't being taken seriously. About doing the opposite of our dad, what he was raised with. No, he doesn't try to do that.

 

Our mom and I tried to get him into therapy but he refused. He knows it will force him to change his ways and thoughts and he's afraid to change. He refused any emotional and financial help.

 

hmm... well if his behavior is really that bad, maybe it'd be good to sort of ignore him.. don't spend much time with him. Maybe he'll realize that you don't want to be around him because of his behavior. Then maybe he'll change on his own or get into therapy. But I guess you're worried about not seeing your niece. How old is she? Do you just pick her up sometimes and hang out? I guess your brother wouldn't need to tag along? or do you ever babysit? If that's the case, I'm sure you'd still be able to see her because your brother needs you as a sitter..

 

I helped raise my niece. It's kinda of a complicated thing I'm not going to get into. Anyways, mom and dad live together and are happy now.

Thing is Rainy, I've tried actively ignoring him. He then takes that to mean that my lady and I are pretentious and don't want to be around him and his family. I can't fuckin win!

She's 6. I spend a fair bit of time with her. Sometimes I offer to take her for the afternoon so he and his woman can have some time together. My lady and I will take my niece to pet stores to look at kittens and bunnies and fishes. But no, we're not sitters. So if he doesn't call me for two weeks, that's fine by him.

 

So do you think he's kind of jealous then? Jealous that his little brother seems to be better off than him? Maybe that's hard for an older brother to deal with, though he should be happy for you..
Have you really tried talking to him about the issue though? He actually seems like someone that will just walk away and not listen and insult you on the way out.. maybe you can send him a text or e-mail and tell him how you feel...
Just be like, "Dude, it's not cool when you constantly make fun of me. I'd appreciate it if you would make an effort to stop. I care about you and want to be in your life and my nieces life but it's difficult to deal with your behavior."

 

I believe he's jealous. I think that's why he insults me. He's jealous that I got the good parent, that I'm taller (he's insecure about his height), that I have an amazing job while he slugs it out at a shithole, that I date independant intelligent freethinking women who are smart and sexy instead of dependant clingons who just want a man to figure things out for them. He hates his own walls but he lacks the self confidence to tear them down.

I've called him rude and stuff but no, I haven't ever really told him the kinds of feelings I've expressed here. We come from a family that never did that. I never once even saw my parents hug or kiss. We bottle shit in. It's only because of poetry and philosophy that I learned ro express myself.

I could tell him. But I have my doubts whether he'll ever change.

 

I am sorry that you are having a difficult time with your brother's and yours relationship. I hope you can both sit down and have a heart to heart talk with each other and that things get better for you soon.

 

Seriously dude? That sounds pretty pretentious. Do you find he says narky little insults just after you've said stuff like that? Just after you've said stuff like your girlfriend is your best friend

And the kid, the once in a blue moon you two look after her its off to look at cute kittens and puppies, you dont think the kid is going to see through that?

You are a popular poster here, but none of us are your brother. I'm not saying this to be confrontational for the fun of it (well ok, maybe a little ), just in this thread, the way you sound, well I think I'd take your brothers side

 

I don't say things like that out loud, I'm an extremely quiet person. I don't say things like that, so he would have no fuel. I'm saying that here. I would never be callous enough to say that to anyone. I would never say these things.

Once in a blue moon? You aren't reading properly. I helped raise this girl. See through brought to enjoy animals? Don't project onto me. It is what it is. My niece loves animals and I take her to see the animals she loves. That's all it is, mate. Not once in a blue fuckin moon.. I raised this kid and spend time with her all the time.

You would take my brother's side? Why?

I like you VG. I honestly do. But I have read your posts and advice for years. You hate women, you read thin familial issues, and you accuse people of psychological occurances that just aren't always true. I don't know if you project the plight of your own homosexuality or if you just think you're being observant. I don't say that to be mean. You just seem to get your kicks assigning erroneous labels to people for their psychological inquiries.

 

I don't speak that way to my brother . I'm not cold and obviously he doesn't want to hear that crap. Furthermore I see my niece all the time. Your sumation is wrong. Period.

I said that my girl is my best friend in another thread, not this one. Yet its being used against me in this one? Are you bothered that my lady is my best friend? Why drag that over?

 

Vanilla, it's more than obvious that you hate women. You also clearly resent men who love women. It's something you don't understand and was probably a matter on which you were at one point questioned on. The fact that you held onto and brough up that I a few days ago called my woman my best friend, shows that it stuck in your craw and you were willing to use it against me.

I will not have you passing your female hating shit, teenaged residual resentment taken out on me because you're a homosexual that hates heterosexual feelings. Your left over issues are your problem. It's not my fault you don't feel what I feel.

My girl is my best friend, I did help raise my niece, and I do consider my brother's feelings. That has nothing to do with the fact that it still makes me feel like crap when he's ignorant.

I'm not going to be subjected to your slanted views and woman hating opinions. The reason you said you'd side with my brother is because I said I enjoy strong independant women. Naturally this bothers you. But you know, straight men enjoy strong women. That isn't a fault of mine nor does it make me a bad brother.

As for my niece, I have a wonderful relation that is not just a blue moon drop in. If you must reduce it to such to illustrate your point. It only highlights your own biases and insecurities.

 

I read this last night. I agree with Rainy, talk to your brother and let him know how you feel. That it hurts your feelings and you love him very much and understand that you did get the better parent. We all know that what happens when your a kid sticks with you the rest of your life. Shapes who you are along with alot of other influences. Be patient with him and forgive him but you have to be honest with him and truly be sincere. If he rejects you, at least you know you did your part. Good luck

 

I've tried but his defence is to remain ignorant.

He's a smart, thoughtful, good, passionate man, but he will deny his own judgements and insecurities in the face of anything. Aside from that he's pretty objective and very intelligent. So it's a difficult thing to wrestle.

 

why do humans seek the company of other humans who's company they do not enjoy?

 

Why? Because we want something from them.

I barely had a father, I want a fuckin brother while we're here.

 

If you want a brother...maybe you should both start acting a little more brotherly. He could be a little less resentful and you could be a little more forceful for his own good. Relationships are a two-way street. It's not fair for one person to take all the shit just for the sake of having a relationship. I would feel like I was doing my brother a favor to call him out on his behavior if he acted like that to me. Sure....it might piss him off but he would get the message loud and clear because I love him and don't want that kind of a relationship with him. Being family without treating each other like family is simply being relatives....not family.