My girlfriend and I have been dating for 7 months now. I've known her for approximately 6 years though. We started out with a rather strained friendship, since I felt as if she was dodging me and instead dating men who constantly used her and took her for granted. She's divorced and recently admitted that she still hasn't completely gotten over the pain caused by it. We've discussed the idea of marriage and have looked at engagement rings together before. There's something that continues to bother me, which has kept me from actually proposing to her. Let me start out by saying that she is a great woman. She's the only woman I've dated that that can actually cook from scratch. She has an extremely compassionate personality. She already has a profession, yet she's gone back to school to get another one. My concerns arises with our sex life. Prior to being with me, she informed me that she never performed oral sex on anyone. She said that she's had it performed on her, but never brought herself to do it herself. Since then, we've started to include it, yet I feel as if she doesn't do it enough for me. She's mentioned to me how much she would like oral sex performed on her, yet I feel as if she's neglecting my desires. We've also tried anal sex a few times, which ended in one successful attempt. I found out later that she lied to me when she told me she had never tried it before, admitted to trying it with her ex husband. I love it now, yet she has no personal interest in it, and has developed a fear of it after speaking with her mother (a nurse). Her mother told her a woman came into the hospital and now has to have bowel movements in a bag. With the way it's going now, I'm skeptical about marrying her because I don't want to feel unsatisfied sexually for the rest of my life. I give her everything plus more (she has said this herself too), and so don't ask her for much of anything in return. All I ask of her is to basically keep me happy, nothing more, nothing less. She continues to talk to a couple of her ex boyfriends, one whom is married, has openly cheated on his wife, and the person he cheated on her with was a woman he was seeking marital advice from. He now seeks advice from my girlfriend in regards to his marriage. Her best friend is someone she's slept with in the past, not to mention I went to high school with him and know him very well. He's also married and has a child, and when his wife found out about their past she had a few words for both of them. She works at a local club on the weekends selling drinks, and I've expressed concern to her that the outfits they require them to wear at times are questionable for someone who's in a relationship. She stated that this is only temporary, and that she tries her best to keep from dressing provocative when she's able to. I even expressed concern to her in regards to her communication with her ex boyfriends. She states that She doesn't want to feel like she has to chose between her friends and being with me, that I'm the only one she wants to be with, that she doesn't cheat, and that I should trust her. She also mentioned to me that she thinks I'll never propose to her because we don't have anal sex together, despite everything else that's great between us.
I don't know how to say this nicely, so I'm just going to come right out and say it... You sound a bit insecure or jealous and a bit of a control freak. The way you word things, you sound potentially like those horror stories I hear from woman saying once they got married their man put a leash on them and treated them like property. A few things you have said strongly hint at this. Just because you're dating her and even if you marry her doesn't give you the right to pick who she's friends with and what sexual favors she needs to do for you. If she's the type of person to cheat on you then she will, regardless of opportunity or lack there of. Also her wearing skimpy clothes at the bar, that's part of the business and just how it is and yes guys will stare at her ass and tits for it, and she'll get bigger tips and bring in more people because of it. So just because she's dating you that means she needs to quit her job or dress like an old lady because she's now your "property" and you don't want other guys looking at her? Oh wait no you said "questionable for someone who's in a relationship." NEWS FLASH - She's her own woman, not your property, not your slave. Boyfriend, future fiancé / husband, or who the heck are you to tell her what to wear??? Regarding the physical part of things. It may be she's not into blow jobs, given what you said about her past my guess is its just something she doesn't enjoy doing. You trying to force her to do it to you isn't going to help things. Either she likes sucking dick or she doesn't, it's just that simple. Far as anal sex goes, don't base your expectations off all the anal sex threads you read here, that's like watching porn and expecting your girl to perform like a porn star. For many woman it's taboo, and they may never embrace it, she at least tried it... Again you trying to impose or force it on her or expect her to change is a setup for failure. And as a matter of perspective, if the sex isn't mind blowing prior to getting married, it's not like it's going to drastically improve after the fact. If anything the sex tapers down as the years go by. Don't get me wrong, I may have total misread some things you've said and in the end you need to do what's going to make you happy, and going into a long term relationship with someone who you already seem to have issues I think is a mistake. Overall it sounds to me like you would be better off finding someone who has a more subservient nature, which is becoming more of a rarity these days. It's not like woman these days just stay home, do all your chores, cook all your meals from scratch and only wear sexy shit around you and obey your every sexual command...
I agree with the first commenter. You have to accept her as she is, and trust her, or you move on. The sooner you decide which is most important to you- the better. I personal wouldn't decide to dump someone because they don't love giving head. Oral pleasure is tiring for both partners to give, and sex is sometimes great- sometimes okay- sometimes it sucks. That is just life. Any woman who acts like the women in pornos, who act like they are on ecstasy when they give head, has problems. Expecting something similar is unfair, unrealistic and unhealthy. I suggest you lay down your grievances against her to see if she still wants to date you after hearing them.
Without trust and respect, you can never be in a happy relationship. You need to think about what are non-negotiable things in a marriage (ex. fidelity) and what doesn't matter (her dressing provocatively at work). If you can't agree on the non-negotiable list, then cut your losses. For me, I expect faithfulness and an abuse free relationship. Life's other problems we can deal with, but infidelity and abuse are deal breakers. "All I ask of her is to basically keep me happy, nothing more, nothing less." WTF does that even mean? You need to be specific. Chocolate makes me happy. Doesn't necessarily make hubby happy. Having a place to live makes me happy. Having the lights on makes me happy. Having food in the house and gas in my (working) car makes me happy. Not having an STD makes me happy!! Having kids makes me happy. What do you NEED to be happy (not want, but NEED)?
The first poster's comment is probably something I'd come out with after a rough day haha. He's right though, you do sound like how he described, unless things have been worded wrong? If she's not giving you what you "need", you can't pressure her, ESPECIALLY when it comes to sex and jealousy. Pressuring a woman like that is a bad road to go down. Unless you can see past these things and let your love for each other be the most important thing in your relationship, she isn't the one for you.
Before I start let me say first that I am in no way trying to be mean or criticizing, but I have to say in my personal opinion you are by no means ready to marry this woman. You say you knew this woman for 6 years. To what capacity did you know her? Was she an acquaintance or a close friend? Because from what you are saying it doesn't seem like you really know each other deeply as friends of 6+ years do. Why the hurry to get married? You just started dating and there are obviously issues here that have to be addressed before taking the step towards a more serious commitment. Sexual compatibility is really important in a relationship and honestly it can only last for so long with someone with whom you have to force yourself to do sex acts that you do not enjoy, just for their pleasure. Not that is any of my business but do you support her financially? If not, then you have no right to tell her to leave her job because the dress code does not suit your taste; she is doing what she has to do to earn a living. Finally, you clearly do not trust her since you mentioned concern over other men. This is going to turn out bad if you marry now, DONT this relationship is not healthy enough.
Dude, you either love her for her and be willing to accept her with all of her pluses and minuses, in sickness and in health, or you just don't take the vows. Just the way it is. Ok, so she hasn't gave you a BJ yet. Big fucking deal. That is something for you two to talk about and work on. Me, I can't stand BJs. I don't care how good a woman thinks she is. Their teeth hurt. Even more so if you pissed her off earlier in the day....
