Post-breakup Hell: Is this normal or have I made a terrible mistake?

I ended an 8-year relationship with my fiance a month before the wedding because I couldn't marry my best friend, who had essentially just become my roommate that I occasionally had sex with. I left him for a passionate, tortured artist who is the absolute anithesis of all my ex-fiance stood for. Where my fiance was even-tempered, level-headed and mature, my new flame is unpredictable and often childish. Conversely, where my fiance was extremely predictable and at times a total stick in the mud about anything out of the ordinary, new guy is exciting and up for just about anything.
Both love me. Both want me and wish to make me happy. I have regrets about leaving my fiance, because while I felt like I had fallen out of love at the time, I am now questioning whether or not I knew what the hell I was talking about.

My ex and I are still friends. He hates the new guy, because he knows he "stole" me away, as much as I have tried to tell him it was me who was at fault. He's angry that he knew I was in a relationship and still pursued me (he told me how he felt about me and when I basically said I couldn't deal with it, he kissed me). He also feels that he is a shady character and that he is manipulative and is only out for his own personal happiness.
New guy hates my ex back, first of all, because their personalities just don't jive and second because he is jealous of our friendship and what we had. He has never had a friend or relationship like my ex and I did, where we were best friends that shared everything and felt completely secure. He is obviously threatened by him, and sometimes I think he can tell that I have had second thoughts about leaving my ex for him.

I have a lot of regrets and seconds thoughts. For one, I feel like a responsible adult in a loving relationship wouldn't just quit on a relationship because she was bored. But then I remember it was more than that. The family situation we had was stifling me. I am 26 years old and for the past couple of years after I moved out here to be with him, I have been living with his parents with him and then with his mentally handicapped aunt, helping to support the household and help put him through school while he worked part time at a grocery store. We were barely getting by and he still wanted to keep going to school. Somewhere in this we were supposed to get married... and then go back to living with his aunt after we returned from our honeymoon, which we didn't even know how we were going to afford... We received a lot of support from his parents, so that took a bit of the burden off, but I still felt stifled and like I had no control and no choices... And he seemed to take all of this in stride while I was losing my mind.

It's not like I didn't talk to him about how the situation affected me, but I didn't really explain fully that it was causing me to have second thoughts about staying with him. Looking back, it all seems extremely circumstantial, and when I hooked up with the new guy, it was the reckless move of a desperate woman looking for some semblance of control and excitement in her life. I sought out this guy because I wanted him. And no one could tell me no, because I was in charge.

Now two months later, I am still raw from the situation. I have asked the new guy for space, but he is very needy, and has trouble staying away. I have trouble keeping him at bay, because he is pretty much the sexiest human being I have ever encountered. It's like he came out of a book. He makes me feel things I didn't think existed out of the realm of fantasy- something my fiance couldn't really inspire in me past the first couple of weeks of our relationship... I do have strong feelings for him outside of that, and he has expressed his love for me, but I still can't seem to get over my ex and wondering if I made the right decision. I always thought my ex and I were made for each other, that the cosmos pushed us together and in the end, no matter what happened, we were meant to be together. We were compatible, he was safe, he put up with my crazy bullshit and loved me unconditionally. I told myself this for a long time, and it seems it's a really hard habit to break... But I'm wondering if that's really all it is or if this isn't a normal way to feel two months after a breakup and I really do still love my ex-fiance...

I feel love for the new guy, but it's a very young love... not at all as solid as it was before... but maybe time will change that? I don't know. I'm just so confused. I know I have made one mistake, and that is not telling the new guy to f off while I figured out my shit. Because I wanted him and I was going to get what I wanted for once. Now I've fucked it all up. I've played with two guys' hearts and I suffer every day second guessing myself... I'm always on the verge of tears, and I have no idea what to do... I'm sending the new guy away for a couple days... He's pretty sad about it, but he's agreed to give me the space I need... I've done this before and I'm always so happy to see him when he comes back... But I don't know if that's just because I miss him or miss having someone there... I definitely feel like I would be okay without him, but I would miss him if I could never see him again.

Anyone have advice? Questions? Comments? Flames? I'm sure someone will call me a heartless bitch before this thread is over. Trust me, I'm all set to agree with you... I feel like a total asshole over this whole thing. I know I haven't handled it well, but the heart is a tricky thing to reason with...

Thanks to any and all who actually take the time to read this novel... I'm sorry, I tried to simplify it as much as possible. I think I've touched on all the important bits.

 

Taking some time away from both of them at this point in time is probably your best plan.

Sometimes the thrill does not live up to real life and that you needed that at a given time does not mean that it will be what you need when you have some time and space. Your prior relationship was lacking that thrill for you, for whatever reasons. Perhaps trying to make that relationship more of what you needed might have saved you all a lot of heartache. Sometimes the thrill is nothing more than that and it takes a lot of energy to maintain that. Maybe that was energy better spent.

It sounds like you have never really had alone time, as in lived alone. That is something you should consider. You went from dependent to dependent again. Not always a wise decision.

Take time to consider what you need in the long run to really be content. Hopefully you will have that with one of them. Be aware though if you decide to return to your previous partner there is going to be a lot of work to do and a long time to forgive. If you stay with your current partner there will also be trust issues because of the way you started the relationship.

Not an easy way to live life and I hope you manage to sort out what you need to.

 

Have you seen your ex with someone else since your break up, you reaction could be telling of your "true" feelings.

It seems to be that your ex was an obvious safe choice for a permanent mate but you weren't ready to settle down or rather you had the opportunity to soil your wild oaks before the marriage was final and you took it. New guy, seems like a fling with a hot body you'll eventually get over after the lust is gone - and that will probably be the worst part for you. Realizing you let go of a good thing to have a fling with someone unstable, nothing you haven't already expressed but it's different when you feel sunken in that hole.

At the moment, it appears you don't know what you want - so taking space from the both of them to clear your head is a good move. Maybe even find another guy, preferably just a fwb to clear your head completely or at least for a couple weeks.

Also maybe you should slowly start cutting your ex off, I know you two are friends but I get a vibe that he definitely thinks you two are eventually getting back together. He might be sticking around for that reason specifically, not just for the friendship. If you see yourself as true friend either get back together with him or let him go, you after all want to see him happy too right?! Now I might be reading too much into this if I am, my apologies but that's my $.02

 

Oh,'Fly. You wanted/hoped for someone sensible-you got me.
Ok,I'll do my best. Having read through 3 times,the bit that stands out as if written in neon,is your description of how horribly stifled you felt when having to live in a place in which you were NOT the focal point of your beloved's attention,but merely one of several attention-requiring people. Now,if you can HONESTLY say you would still be bored shitless had you been in your own home,owned/rented/leased [whichever fits] by just the two of you,then you've lost nothing. In that case,in time,a parting was inevitable...but most assuredly of a much more vehemently emotional fallout than you currently have.
If,on the other hand,you know inside yourself that it was just impatience to be free of those restrictions,so that you COULD throw him down and ride him wildly and unabashedly on the sofa/carpet/kitchen table....then,[should that be the case]it's just a matter of time until Mr Exiting becomes,in your eyes,Mr 'Oh ffs Grow UP!'
So-just suppose you went and looked around,found a place you and your 'ex' could have together,while remaining within helping distance of his family-would you be tempted to ask him his feelings on the subject? Or would you not even consider such a scenario because you're too busy being happy? Y'see,you DO have a future-around 80 more years of it.
So,one mistake is nothing-it can be rectified. It's merely a warm-up for all the mistakes you've yet to make. Just keep in mind that the darkest nights have the brightest stars-not much comfort to you right now,but it IS true. Something good will come of this.

[Blimey...sorry Fly-I didn't mean to be so 'staid'...just trying to help,hon. XXX]

 

A month before the wedding? Ouch, that's gonna leave a scar. Poor dude probably didn't know what hit him. Tortured artist guy sounds like a huge douche. The ex is likely in a state of shock and is too stunned to realize that he shouldn't be chasing after you like a puppy. His pain is going to come to the surface and if you think you've seen it already just wait.

I get your side in this and how confused you are and I feel for you but honestly, the new guy doesn't deserve anyone's pity, he didn't care that you were in a relationship or what pain fucking your brains out would bring upon the guy who has loved you for 8 years, so fuck that dude.

As for your ex, this man is going to have trust issues and he won't ever be the same guy he was before this happened. If you decide to get back with him, be prepared for serious emotional ups and downs, they are coming.

I honestly think it may be better to let the ex go. He will never get over that shit, he will wrestle with it off and on but if you are together he will carry that resentment and worry that you could pull that shit again with the next douche to come along and show you some excitement.

Probably better to let him get over his pain and over you and yes, cut him off so he doesn't carry that hope of getting back together. He's been through enough. If he's as young as you are then he has time to heal and find another relationship down the road. Let that happen is my advice.

 

its never a good idea to jump from one guy to another, if for no other reason than it doesn't leave you time to mourn the relationship and sort through your feelings. It would probably help a lot to take some time and distance from both of them, a couple of months at least rather than a couple of days. That will give you enough time to know what it feels like to be lonely and also how to stand on your own feet and be strong and happy with your own company, which is something I think everyone should know how to do before they can figure out how to be happy with another person.

 

Mostly this.

I just "got out" of a 10 1/2 year relationship that started when I was 19 so I get what it's like to have a roommate that you have sex with sometimes, to really want to be swept away by passion (instead of just asked for sex in my case). But you can't expect the proverbial "Mr. Right" to be the first guy who's lap you rebound on to.

Just because you don't want to be with your ex, doesn't mean you have to want to marry your fling.

 

I agree with Heat. The only way to get a grip on how you really feel and what you really want is to be alone. For awhile.

 

A really valid point, IMO.

Couples need time alone and they also need that connected feeling that is very difficult to have when always surrounded by others.

It is difficult to care for family members if you do not have space to be away from them as well. It does take a toll even if you wish to care for them.

 

I truly appreciate everyone who has commented. I honestly don't know if I am going through some sort of temporary insanity or what. I just feel like over the past year, I've felt like I've been going through my midlife crisis at 26, and it's fucking ridiculous. It's extremely heartening that I was able to pour my heart out here, and even those that were critical of me were able to express it respectfully. I have been extremely hard on myself during this whole thing- have had at least one instance of a friend cradling me in his arms while I bawled about how I hadn't done enough penance for my sins and I wish everyone hated me... In short, I've been a hot mess. New guy has made a remarkable effort to be there for me, but after two months of listening to me cry about my feelings, as well as struggling with his own guilt over what he's done and dealing with his own issues, I can tell his ability to handle my feelings in addition to mine is putting a strain on him, as he can tell I have a mountain of regret about how things went down to contend with...

Really good to hear from you. Thank you for posting. Seriously. I definitely know I don't want to marry this guy. We want different things out of life, but part of what I have come to realize is that every relationship doesn't have to be that serious. Some just run their course. We'll both survive. Maybe I'll change my mind, it's too soon to say. We've talked about the fact that I'm not sure I want kids or to get married- things he desperately wants at some point. It's just... too early to say on any of this. And I honestly don't want to think about it after what I've been through.

I want to be alone. I like to be alone. I need to be alone... but sometimes I cave, and that's where the issues start...

I need to get to work, but I will return to this thread. This has been extremely helpful, and I want to thank everyone who has taken the time. You don't know what it means to me to hear these perspectives from someone other than new guy, my ex and my best friend, who is probably getting sick of listening to my bullshit by now...

 

you should write their names on tennis balls. get a dog and a large field. toss both balls out to the dog, whatever ball dog brings back is the guy you keep.. its the only way..

I figured, I just bring you humor.. have a nice day,,

 

Me personally I want my lover to be my best friend before my lover sex and that burning sensation will wear off it always does. I would take time away and evaluate my life in your situation.Sex can be casual and great but do you want a man or a boy. What I have found about chi.ldish men is that alot of times they want a replacement mother not a lover and friend. The real question is though what do you want in a man

 

All good points. I told myself that feeling goes away many times over the course of my engagement. I thought "this is how adult relationships work. there are no more fairy tales. no more proms. no more excitement. welcome to being a grownup. excitement and infatuation are just fear and uncertainty disguised. what you have is better than that." And then I reaolized I was not ready to settle for that quite yet. I have had two serious boyfriends in my life- the first my high school sweetheart that I was with for 4 years and my ex-fiance. I am by no means a baby at 26, but I felt like I was still a little young to be having the feelings I was feeling. I'm not ready for Mr. Right. That's not what I want right now. If I found him, I wouldn't be able to appreciate it. That's just where I am at right now.
And yes, what I want in a man is something I am working on figuring out. I have played the mommy before. Never again.

Tried to rep you, but the rep-meter says I need to spread it around some. >_> Wasn't aware I was just following you around repping you all day... especially when I just got back here after being MIA for several weeks...

Short version: thanks

 

I think those folks that advised you to take time for yourself are on the money. Maybe forget men for awhile and work on forgiving yourself for making a very human "mistake." Live by yourself, do things by and FOR yourself and let a sufficient amount of time passage occur, so that you can love yourself again. I think that perhaps some alone time will enable you to get more of an an objective opinion on all this for yourself. You are too close to this to have a ready answer. Anyway---I'm just sort of adding to what some others have said, but I absolutely wish you the best outcome. Matters of the heart are very challenging sometimes. ( says captain obvious).

 

This isn't a flame, but this is going to sound harsh.

What you did came from a very selfish place, but at the same time it also came from a soul-searching place, compounded with a bad case of tunnel-vision.

In fact I'd say you're still suffering from tunnel-vision.

You're doing the right thing now, by taking some space and consider the question:

Is marriage for you?

It's also a matter of safety when it comes to staying with a edgy-dangerous guy.

 

I think this is actually a very natural feeling to go through around this age. Having had two serious relationships in your life (and based on my calculations) no time for anything casual or even a significant period of being on your own I think it's really normal to be where you are right now. Your introspective side is saving you right now, it's so important to be honest about all this and it sounds like you're not sugarcoating anything for yourself or trying to make yourself believe anything that will soften the blow. I have also been where you are. It takes a while I think to grow up from relationships and expectations on how it's supposed to be and get to this point where you are a different person and you start to see things differently. You're allowed to change your mind and not know what you want, but it really sucks to do something you don't really want to do and that is why for me, I really think the best course is to become intimate with what you want and that takes time. Years.

 

I agree with most of what you said here.

The difference is that I do have a bit of a pet peeve, in romance or even in casual socialization, professional or otherwise when it comes to commitments

Don't go around making a commitment (like an engagement that involves spending time and money on wedding plans) and then last minute change your mind, UNLESS a level 9-10 situation arises.

Level 9-10 situations are like sudden emergencies that pop up that no one can control that re-prioritize one's schedule. (car accidents, relative/friend died or got sick, that kind of thing)

---

My take is that if you end up doing this it's a sign that you should stay away from those kind of commitments and NOT string others along because that's not okay.

You should know yourself before making commitments, relationships tend to fail when either party doesn't know themselves.

 

No hard feelings at all. I realize I did a selfish thing. But I almost feel like it was about time I did something selfish. No justifying how I went about things, though. I basically left my fiance for this new guy. I bullshitted myself that I didn't for a while, but I did...

Right now, I cringe at the idea of marriage and children, but I'm not sure that's not just because I got really close to it, felt really trapped by it, and broke free, so why would I put myself back in prison right away? There may come a time when I will welcome it joyously, but today is not that day... Although sometimes I do imagine that perfect day I was about to have and think "is this a nightmare? did I really do throw all of that away?" And I think of my fiance in his tux and how happy he was... And how I just took not only that away, but my love away as well...

This healing process has been extremely confusing... I feel one way one day and totally different the next.

For instance, some days I gaze at new guy and can't believe it actually happened. I wanted him, he wanted me back, and I got what I wanted, and what did I do to deserve to get everything I wanted?

Other times, I think about all the things I want to do with my life and all the places I want to go and think I don't want to go there without my ex... I'll never again be able to take him with me on a trip to see my parents or to travel, and it breaks my heart all over again... I try to imagine new guy in his place and I just can't... I don't know if it will come in time or what, but I have a feeling he's chomping at the bit to get going on his life, as I was at 22 (oh yeah, he's 4 years younger than me, did I mention that? oh god, don't get me started), and that's going to be something we'll struggle with down the road... He's always in such a hurry... But I'm starting to put the brakes on things now. I was going with shit for a while, because I was just destroyed from the neck up, but the clouds are starting to clear and it's time to put my foot down. If he wants to be with me, he'd better have a hell of a lot of understanding and patience for what's happening or we're going to have problems... Honestly, I feel like it would be better for him if he dropped me and went looking elsewhere... I'm not worth it. Not right now, anyway...

 

Sounds like if you want him to drop you...why not just drop him? It sounds like he served his purpose for you in just helping you to confirm and realize what you didn't want. You went after something else, it started a chain reaction and now you're in this place and it doesn't seem like you really want this guy, you're just pleased with the fact that you did want him and you got him and now there's just the aftermath. It doesn't sound like a good thing to go through in a new relationship.

Of course, I'm putting myself in your place, when I really can't, but if I were you, I'd dump the new guy or at least take a "break" and if you want to pick things up with with him later go for that...but right now it doesn't really seem like you want him at all. Sounds like you're just resisting being alone.

 

The psychologist in me wants to ask you what your childhood home life was like growing up.

Perhaps therein lies, what seems to be a fear of domestic life, or the origins of why you seem to be resisting it because you associate it with something negative at an emotional level.

If this is too personal you may PM me if you want.