I'll try to summarize. I'm a 32 year old male who has watched porn online since I was about 13. I've been married to my wife for 7 years, together 14 years. We have a 2 year old son. After 14 years together, my wife just found out this year that I watch porn for masturbating. I did a shoddy hiding job of my browser history and it was noticed. Anyway, I didn't deny it. I tried to explain its for pleasure, doesn't affect my life, etc. Porn does not affect my job, I'm never late or do poor work, I never miss anything in the lives of my family, I never avoid chores or responsibilities, I never spend money on it, and at most, I spend 15-20 minutes 4-5 times a week with it. I have never in my life turned down my wife for sex or had arousal problems. My wife is low libido and is only interested in sex about 2-3 times a month. So, when my wife found it, I told her I would try to stop looking at it but I needed her to enhance our sex life. For the next month she did, and I didn't use porn. Then her time of the month rolled around followed by a fight about somethine else. Anyway, I went back to porn. Recently things have been good between us, but the sex is still no more than once a week. This week, for the first time ever, she actually walked in on me in the act. So, now my wife is threatening divorce or moving out. I agreed to speak with a sex addiction counselor. However, I may be in denial, but I strongly believe I have a normal, not unhealthy habit. I can give up porn if sex is available, but if not, I will resort to porn. I have tried, but for me masturbation without porn is difficult and takes a long time. Even though I don't think its an addiction, I know it hurts my wife and affects our relationship. So, what do you think? Addiction? What can I do? I don't think I can give up masturbation (because thats really the desire here, not the porn) and I need porn to make it quick and easy so I can get on with my day. Please help!
There are some very ingrained ideas about porn, especially by many women. I use to be one of them. It use to be thought that all porn was violent against women and evil and all that crap. I finally realized I didn't know what the hell I was talking about... I get angry when people judge a movie or book without seeing it or reading it and yet I was doing the same thing. When I finally started looking at porn myself, I was actually very surprised. Yes, some of it still is violent and misogynist, but that's become less and less all the time. There are now porn created and directed for and to women. I suspect that your wife still buys into the mentally that porn is sick and damaging. But I no longer agree with that. I'm in to bdsm and for years that was considered an addiction and an illness. Psychiatrists now understand that isn't true and in some cases, kinky people are actually healthier emotionally. I agree. No, I don't think you have an addiction, but I do agree your marriage has a problem and your wife might too... about sex and her sexual health. I agree that marriage counseling is a good idea. I might also add.. I have a Tumblr account that is about bdsm and D/s and some people would consider it to be porn. But things on this site has helped me be more open about my sexuality and to have a better body image. I don't see those as negative things at all... However, when I followed mainstream religion, I had a tremendous amount of guilt, fear and very little knowledge about my own body and sex. Those are negative and damaging things.
I made an appointment with an addiction therapist. I think it ridiculous but I'm doing it for my wife. If he agrees and tells me to stop, I'm not sure how I'll respond. I'm still going to get horny and I'll need an outlet. Shower masturbation may work sometimes, but usually I just need the quick orgasm to relieve myself and then go on with my day. I feel like this route may make me a more irritable person. Or else I can just continue doing what I was doing and not tell her. Or in a sense, lie to her. But I think she'll suspect I'm doing that if it all seems like I got better too easily. Ideally, I need someone (a therapist) to tell her that porn isn't bad and hope she can come to the realization you have. Sadly, I married someone I love but who is completely sexually not compatible with me. I don't have any desire or thoughts to leave her, so I've always just dealt with my level of sex drive through porn and not cheating. Ahhh, this is so difficult. It's not like I can remove my penis and stop my male hormones from flowing through my body! Not easily at least! Ahh!
This kind of situation is actually quite common. And you shouldn't have to stop what you are doing just to make your wife happy. She needs to try to meet you half way, but learning what is porn and sexual addiction really is. And maybe that her expectations are not totally realistic. If you give this up just to do what she wants, eventually you are going to start to feel resentful and that's going to be even worse for your marriage. If she can insist on an addiction therapist you can insist on marriage counseling.
Thanks, we're already in counseling. We haven't yet discussed this issue because I was being silent about it. In other words, I viewed it as private and none of her concern, so I didn't bring it up. But she found out this week I'm still doing it so it will for sure be discussed next appointment.
Last night we had a discussion and she admitted to having been neglectful of me lately. However, she also admitted that she knows she will be either unable or unwilling to fully satisfy my sexual desires and doesn't feel like its her responsibility to do so. She said that I'm "not allowed to have everything I want" when referring to me watching porn. So this completely is contradictory and mind boggling. She's admitting she can't help me but also saying I can't help myself... I don't consider watching porn without telling her lying to her, but she does. So by that rationale, I don't want to continue lying to her, but I don't know what else can happen.
Why, Andy... It looks like you have your work cut out for you. Do I think attitudes about this can change? Yes, I do, but she still has to meet you half way. It's going to take a lot of talking and therapy for the two of you get around this but I think it's very possible that it can happen. But someone is going to have dig deep into both of your conscious and unconscious minds to find out why she feels the way she does and if you are willing to live with it.
20 minutes, 5 times a week, is NOTHING! I would bet it is a lot less than average. Certainly is for me, and i am much older. Teenagers would beat that by a mile. As for your reasons and what you do about it, i will leave to you.
Any updates on this issue, OP? I've been trying to deal with porn addiction. I just found out Lent started recently (raised catholic, but atheist now) so I decided to give up porn for lent. I've gone at least 8 days as of now without watching any porn, which is the longest I've gone in a while. The thing is, porn feels like an obsession for me that I think about constantly, even though I very rarely masturbate to it. In fact, I can't remember the last time I sat in front of my computer and did the deed. However, I am always thinking about it, and have spent a lot of time (at work, even) just trying to find something arousing. It has taken a toll on my sex life in very obvious ways, but I've always chosen to ignore that. So anway, I'm going to hopefully continue this 'streak' of 8 days for as long as I can take it! Good luck, Skys
Porn is bad, exploitation for cash and dudes getti.g thier rocks off. Jackin it all day long. Stop.that. ever heard of porn addiction?
It is your wife's responsibility to look after your sex life. Because if you both have a good sexual life you will never need porn. I suggest you to explain her that sex plays an important thing in a man's life.
Sounds like she had a conservative upbringing. If she can't/won't satisfy your sexual needs, what does she expect? At least you are not fucking someone else.
