Polyfidelity - 2 Bisexual Women - 1 straight Man - Long Term Relationship

(I am loving this conversation - I hope this thread is read by many, and receives responses from all perspectives)

I am new here and looking for a means to express myself to like minded people who are there to hear my heart's cry. I need a release and people to understand me and talk to me about this. I am hunting for something extremely unique - maybe impossible to find. I don't expect to find it here, nor there, but rather, no expectations at all, only hoping that what I desire exists and that I remain in the right places at the right times to find it/her.....

I am a 34 year old attractive, supremely kind, average build, healthy female, married to a 40 year old attractive, talented, healthy, proactive, amazing man. We seek a truly bisexual female....... READ ON PLEASE

I am so aware of how much of a turn off it is for a bisexual female to be contacted by a couple seeking a female. That's not why I am here, I just ask for you all to hear me, that's all I need. That's all I pray.

I have always been bisexual and very sexually oriented. Not in a perverted way. With all my heart I seek a like minded, healthy, proactive SINGLE female with whom I can experience my bisexual side with - NOT JUST SEX! I desire a kindred friendship as well as a lovership. I say "I" am seeking this because my husband knows how much this means to me. He wants me to be happy. So he has put this task on me.

Sexually speaking: I do need this person to be someone who is 50% into men and 50% into women. This is because I am so absolutely ready to share my man of 18 years.... but so far have only been deeply hurt by some females who just go through me, flirting, praising, etc., ONLY to get with my husband. I've given everything of myself - I am really good at loving a female - but I receive nothing in return - only to watch as she gets on my husband and ignores me. Painful. Lonely. My husband despises it too. He knows how much this means to me and he wants me to be happy. Again, we have been together 18 years (34 and 40) and he has put me in charge of this search. We have had threesomes. I love love love this. I bury myself in both of them. I just wish I could find a female who would return the love to both me and my husband equally - I don't mind sharing AT ALL, so long as everyone is equal. This person must also be a non-smoker, with ZERO STDs.

Besides the sexual aspect...... we seek a long term relationship. This is called Polyfidelity. a Monogamous triad communion. Whereas PolyAmory is all about no monagomy... we want total commitment. We know it may take forever and a day to find this person and then we have to build a relationship - or we may never find them. But in any regard, I am so pleased to say I am such a unique individual who desires this much passion in my life. A girlfriend who I see myself in, and who I admire and love beyond words, just like I love my husband. You only live once, go for your dreams. I can't wait to introduce her to our parents.

Wow, if you are still with me -thank you for listening. I do feel better now for sharing. I welcome comments and questions! I do need you all to hear me and support me, if at all possible ~ Thank You.

 

Knowing the world around me, I'd say that you have a big job ahead of you.

Perfectly balanced bisexuality is relatively rare in practical life. People tend to adapt to the given circumstances, and either mostly date members of their own gender or those of the opposite gender. If you read these forums, you'll soon notice that most bisexuals state that they are emotionally attracted to members of one sex but sexually attracted to the members of the other sex. Depending on their personal circumstances they mostly give in to one side of their desires or the other with more or less frequent excursions across the fence.

Yet another issue here is the fact that you and your husband have a track record of 18 years of married life. Adding someone perfectly new to the equation is a huge task for all of you. Making sure that the new addition acts, behaves, and feels precisely as you want her to feel is close to a mission impossible. It deprives the "third" person of her natural right to adjust the relationship to her needs and desires, too. Whereas this may be very pleasing to you, and even possibly to your husband, the third person is very likely not to accept her preordained role. Even in very unbalanced relationships, where power, money, and sexual roles may be heavily tilted in favor of one, the other one permanently tends to redress the imbalance, and find his/her place under the sun. If you want to go on maintaining such a relationship you'll have to balance it, or the relationship simply won't last.

It is both perfectly fine and practical to set down the basic rules, and look for someone who will agree with them. But giving this other person a strictly defined role to play under your scenario only makes it a mission impossible.

Last but not least, why would anyone want to agree to such absolutely pre-set conditions, and simply go along without having to say or do anything about it? Very few people out there are as selfless as to make it their life mission to please the others only. Consider the fact that everyone joining has a fully legitimate right to evolve, develop and explore her ways to happiness. There is no good in denying them the right to do any of this.

KD

 

You've got some really great points, KD, thank you for replying! I feel in my senses that what we seek is truly not of this earth. My husband and I are supremely lucky to have found each other, and then to start searching for a third bit of perfection in a screwed up world - yes, we absolutely must be nuts. But it's in our hearts and we will be completely happy together, just the two of us forever, if we don't find our match.

I do not want to experience what we've just experienced ever again (issue in original post). I can't take being hurt like that. So we have to stick to our rules: date at least 6 times before we even bring this person to our home. Build a friendship, this cannot and will not be based purely on lust. Etc. etc..... we have it all written down.

You mention pre-set conditions, pleasing ourselves only, and expecting our person to not have a say about anything....... wow we sound like awful people, lol.... that is not where we are coming from at all.... I understand that having expectations of any kind will only make this task that much more impossible, but truly the only requirements we have are that this female is cigarette and std FREE, as well as health conscious and hopefully leaning more to the lesbian side than straight. Is that really so difficult to find?

If we find a person who fulfills all of the above then we will be equally as pleasing to her just as much as she is to us. You have no idea how much love I/we give, how selfless I/we are - I/we would adore our addition, put her on a pedestal. She would be so so precious to me. To love her would mean I/we allow her all the space, freedom and expression in the world. Please, teach us something, I/we are great students.

So, to your comment: "Consider the fact that everyone joining has a fully legitimate right to evolve, develop and explore her ways to happiness. There is no good in denying them the right to do any of this." Actually, EXACTLY.... we do not plan to deny anyone anything. Our vision is that we will all completely evolve, develop and explore what makes us happy - so we are not planning to deny anyone that. I don't see how any of us could remain the same - the point is for us all to grow and learn and wherever that takes us we feel it will be for the betterment of the world around us, starting with the betterment of our household. I cook three amazing meals a day, keep the house clean, tend to the garden, the chickens and to my real estate business. It is a lot for me handle on my own as my husband works so I often find myself desiring a wife to help me and in turn me help her so that everyone enjoys better quality of life and enjoyment of a little spare time.

As far as the 18 year history... I try to think of that as a positive, knowing we are solid and not a brand new, shaky relationship. I think what it is going to take is meeting new people. Letting them see for themselves what passion and drive we have as a couple. People fall in love with us all the time (in a friendship love way - not sex of course) - we have amazing friends and I know at least a couple of them would jump at the chance to "marry" in with us, but they have their own lives to tend to, husbands kids etc. and/or they do not meet our ideal person (non-smoker, etc.) So all it will take is finding a new friend who fits our ideas of a good healthy partner. We are planning on getting out into town more, attending community functions, taking classes, all to meet new people and see where this takes us. My husband and I are very open with each other and communicate well, so that if something doesn't feel right, we address it immediately. If it needs to be corrected, we work towards that, if it needs to be dissolved, we have no problem making that happen.

We are not messing around. We love each other so much. We feel we have to try this in this lifetime if we are destined for it, as it seems - we both have wanted this since childhood. We will not give up hope. I am both terrified and yet determined, cautious but also so very open. It's a fragile yet empowering place to be and I have to go with it. But in this deteriorating world, where making a living as a model couple is more and more impossible, where growing your own food is more and more necessary, where the children are being left with a planet destroyed and being guided by the same psychos who put us in this situation.... these children need to find a new way. They need better role models.... to see it's ok to go after your dreams no matter how "wrong" or "off" it seems to general society. Obviously the way our world is being ran is NOT working - let us teach the children freedom and allow them to bring our world to a new and better place. We need to change our schools text books to include what our world has discovered in the past 10 years and remove all contradicting and untruthful material..............

I could go on and on.... and it feels so good to get this all out. Thank you. I am dreamer..... and I'm not the only one!!! She's out there, somewhere, I can feel her.

 

Have you tried dating sites like OkCupid? I don't think it's likely to meet this person in a normal setting. Most women aren't bisexual and a lot of them think couples are just prowling for threesomes.

 

Thanks Sam, that's exactly the problem I have run into on OKCupid... that's where I learned that couples looking for a female are not as rare as I thought. What's rare is a female who would be on there looking FOR a couple to join. I don't know what to do. I guess I'd either have to put my bisexuality aside (like I always do - but just for good so I can live just for myself and my man) or leave my man so I can go experience what is so tugging at my heart strings. Either way I will be missing a part of me, sigh.

 

it will be easier to find a woman if you leave your husband out of it.

 

Oh how I wish I had a wife as caring and considerate and loving as you.

 

Thank you for the kind compliment :sunny: