Personal development.

I've become more chill and open minded within the last couple of years. Few years ago, I was a staunch Trump supporting conservative and a conspiracy theorist. Now I'm more of a centrist, not a fan of Trump and looking into other candidates, and given up most of the the conspiracy theories I believed in.

 

i'm reading it now. this statement is untrue

ok. so from what I've read of the wiki and of the op-ed style-ish writings online, the opinions about behavior modification really dim the transcendence that was experienced by the grand majority of cedu graduates. So you get to see what the drop-outs, and those who never "sold out" or "bought in" or however you want to say it... those who never trusted enough, or couldn't break past barriers in their way to share and grow and all of that, had to say. But what they don't show you is that it was real.

I don't know what to compare it to. But you know who was really into Synanon was Cesar Chavez. He was really taken aback by the concept of "The Game" which is what our Rap sessions (the group therapy with the yelling) were based on where you would indict each other for having broken the program rules, or not being true to yourself and everyone knowing it or something. In that way, we kept each other really honest. And we told each other everything.

I mean don't get me wrong... there were hierarchies and cliques, but it was really utopian bliss to know that kind of relationship with others as a young person; at fourteen.

Anyway. Sorry for carrying on. I guess what I'm saying is the wiki page doesn't do it justice and they've misconstrued some things about behavior modification for teens in general in the process.

 

I've always thought I was somewhat well adjusted and recently, very recently, figured out I'm not. I'm kind of fucked up.
So I'm in the middle of the reevaluating life stage right now, based on that realization.

Also, side note...these schools or retreats or whatever they are that you guys are talking about..using sleep deprivation as a tactic on kids? That sounds horrific

 

Ever heard of Kidnapped For Christ? Now that is horrific.

"Escuela Caribe, also known as Caribe Vista, was a boarding school for "troubled" teens near the mountain community of Jarabacoa in the Dominican Republic owned by Marion, Indiana-based New Horizons Youth Ministries. According to former students of Escuela Caribe, they were subjected to a range of abuses including intense forced labor and repetitive exercise, physical beatings (called "swats"), extreme isolation, and various forms of emotional abuse."

Kidnapped for Christ - Wikipedia
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They also did that "Gay Conversion" thing there. A parent must really hate their child to have sent them there.

 

Yeah. It's not for the uninitiated... When you're open to it though, it can really help you move past boundaries. The wiki (I don't know if you read it) paints it like some horror story. It was about helping each other, and it wasn't scary. It was something really beautiful to watch and experience the real, and positive change in people's lives.

 

That’s odd. Been having that exact same phenomena myself. On the back end of it now tho, for which I am grateful.

 

I did...

 

Holy. Shit. So weird.
Poor kids

 

Glad to hear you're on the tail end of it. It has felt pretty cathartic for me, like I'm finally dealing with things I've just been shoving out of my mind the better part of my life

 

I've always just been a complete dork. I can't stress the value of a proper upbringing enough. There was no "family" in my family. I had a role model like every kid has a role model, but sometimes the role model is just a terrible act to follow. All this has nothing to do with the fact that I am a complete dork, though, which only exacerbated the situation.

What I mean by myself being a dork is that I've been unable to have realistic goals. And my design for myself on how I achieve said goals is horribly just bad. Often centered around me being a hero of some sort. Maybe because I was always trying to make things right between my mom and dad.

Things have hopefully, though not likely, as I am a dork at heart, become less dorky as I've gotten older. Less noticeably so, at least. Hopefully I've turned the corner where instead of a dork, I can just be a know-it-all asshole or something. Maybe now I can just be a confident, cool guy like Fonzie.

My dreams have faded; my drive is gone. No desire left for fame or adulation, or even to be remembered. No more star athlete. No more cherished musician. No more famed artist. No more prophet of God. I just want to be a simple man and maybe run into a burning schoolhouse someday and save all the children and be on TV where a super model will see me and just have to have me.

 

Again I find myself saying...
Seems like you processed it much differently than I. I found it rather distressing and bothersome. Necessary and ultimately for the best... But fuck this growth and self knowledge crap. F’real.

 

i think the only growth in this sense is digesting and integrating data with observed understanding of processes.
the wisdom to do so, we generally develop around the time of puberty if not before,
but sufficient data to arrive by that wisdom at understandings and conclusions that work for us in the real universe, we spend the rest of our lives acquiring,
that is unless we refuse to look at all, in which case we don't.

 

Well shit. Sort of. I can remember waking up in the middle of the night when I was 3 or 4 and no one would be there. (Long Beach,Cal, during WW2)Then at about 4, mother disappeared and as I found out later , was living in a car with the guy she ran off with in Mexico. Never saw her again for a couple of years until my father and my grand mother and I showed up in court to determine with whom I was to live. Since this was 44--45, the courts were not keen on giving fathers custody and the asshole wouldn't have had the balls or the desire to raise one (me) anyway. So, my gramma said she would take me. She was 58 0r 60 at that time and had raised her boys, my father and my uncle. So, I guess I was kind of an obligation--someone had to step up--my mother had sent word before court that she was going to put me in an orphanage. So, I was moved into the little town of Lemoore in the San Joaquin valley into the house my great grand parents had built there from bricks hauled down from the 1906 earthquake in San Francisco. Gramm was born there in 1884 south of town and my people had been there since before the civil war. Father wasn't married and lived upstairs in the 2 story house with us for a while. Almost burnt the place down one night, drunk and smoking . He finally moved out to my relief and the old brick house was where I spent my youth. I was allowed, as I grew, to run free in the summers even at 6 years old and after school and only had a few rules ---be home at 6PM for supper, never treat those less fortunate than myself with disrespect , don't lie or steal. When I missed the 6 Oclock supper time, I would get a switching hard enough to raise welts. Never pissed me off though--I knew the rule. Over the years growing up, I had many good friends, none of which were my parents. Most are dead now, but we had many beer soaked nights and other adventures of the young and reckless that I think about once in a while and cherish.

I was a crazy fool at times and a poor drunk, I suppose from some emotional issues that haven't meant shit for a long, long time now. I was also very independent and am still--sometimes too much so, I guess. When I took acid at 28 in Hawaii---some self reflection began and after that--I have a million stories of hippy life and otherwise. I'm sure I've written more that anyone cares to read about me, so I'll stop. Funny----haven't thought about this stuff for a long while and also haven't laid it out for others to read. So--there's a little portion of a long and mostly fun life---Joel

 

I thought it was a good read.

 

When I think about where I was a few years ago vs where I am now I realize how far I've come. I was languishing in college. I had no idea what I was doing there. I was only in school because it was the next logical step after high school but I probably should have just taken time off to figure out what it was I wanted. I changed majors every week, studied everything and became an expert in nothing. I was much more interested in work than in school. I eventually dropped out much to my mother's horror. I spent 4 months in Japan working as an interpreter before coming home and moving back into my childhood bedroom right around the time all my friends were graduating college. I felt really depressed. My mother was so disappointed in me. But I got back into school to study business and even started my own catering company. I going to be allowed to "walk" in May (go through the graduation process) but I'll actually have to take a summer class so I won't technically be finished until this August.

I'm equal parts chef and entrepreneur and regular college just isn't for me. But I had to have a few false starts to figure that out. In the end I decided business school over culinary school because I already had the necessary cooking chops. But yeah I basically started college before i was ready. I think it's pressure put upon us by our parents, teachers, and society as a whole. After high school, you go to college. it's just what you do. Even if you're not ready for it.
Most of my growing up has been in the past 2 years

 

Best damn post I’ve ever read on these hallowed fora.

 

Well thanks Gul and you other folks too. The old house is still there at 38 Heinlen st, Lemoore California. My prick of a dad sold it out of the family for 10,ooo dollars and didn't share the money with family. Sorry--had to add that.