People are telling my friend that he is bad.

This friend of mine is married, he doesn't cheat on his wife, but if she didn't care, he would have sex with someone else.

He loves his wife very much and any sex outside his marriage would be for pleasure only, and would happen only after much conversation and consideration had taken place, so that no one involved would get hurt. If anyone involved had any doubt about things going wrong and causing bad feelings, he would not consider it.

Even though he loves his wife and satisfies her needs, he naturally finds himself attracted to other women. Some of the attraction is physical and some is intellectual. He has imagined having sex with many women, even though he would never do anything behind his wife's back.

His main focus is his wife and would never do anything that would harm her. But other friends think that he should not think of other women.

How can you see desirable traits in someone and not be attracted to them, even if only momentarily. Humans are designed to seek out desirable traits in others just as we seek out food and water. But my friend also realizes that his main priority is his wife and everything else is secondary.

Is he a bad guy?



Now picture my friend as a female!!!
What do you say now?

 

Ummmm makes no difference in my opinion.

 

That's exactly how I feel! Makes no difference. I'm not sure if you think the guy/girl is a bad person or not, but I don't. We feel what we feel, in my opinion.

 

Marriage isn't natural, and I am not so sure love for another person can last an entire lifetime, though things seem to have worked somehow for older generations. These days there just seems to be little commitment. A lot of it has to do, I think, with the media and how sex is so heavily promoted to the point where love takes a backseat to lust and purely physical attraction.

 

I really don't see the big deal rather your friend is male or female. People who pretend that no one is attractive except their husband/wife/bf/gf are unnecessarily repressing themselves or just lying. You can have attraction without acting on it. It's not difficult at all.

I think when you're married it's probably not a good idea to be so attracted to other people that you talk about it with your friends. Maybe the friends are just tired of hearing about it.

 

Interesting....

 

I think as long as all parties are safe and consensual, then they should be doing as they please. It's natural for our society to view it as a social stigma for a woman to be sexually active with multiple partners. For example, for a man to go on about needing to "go out and get some vag," then turn around and call a sexually active woman a "morally decept whore."

Double standards. We haz them.

I kind of agree with you here. I think long term relationships involve a lot of falling out of love, then back in. Or maybe perhaps you always have a level of love for the other person, but you no longer like them. Long term relationships are almost always an emotional roller coaster.

 

I should also say I think it's naive of people to think that people who are married, in love, and monogomous should never be sexually attracted to anyone else. Neither gender is wired that way whether they admit it or not.

 

Actually, marriage seems to work for younger generations as well.
A lot of it has to do with the way someone was brought up, society and religion. Different people, different values. I for one can't understand that people need to sleep with a lot of other people throughout their life. And I don't think marriage should be based on sex, infatuation and craaaazyyyy love.

Eh I think "bad person" is too strong. Murderers and rapists are bad people, for example.

 

I think its natural for people to meet others and be attracted to them even to the point of being sexually attracted to someone. I don't think married people are an exception to that. I think that curiosity is always there and I don't think wondering what it would be like to be with someone else is a horrible thing.

I don't think being sexually attracted to someone else makes you a bad person or a whore. If both spouses talk about it and come to an agreement to allow each other to experience other people or not, its not uncommon for anybody to be attracted to someone outside their marriage.

I think in a marriage honesty is the most important thing. If a couple can openly talk about things like this it makes their relationship stronger because they aren't keeping secrets. Even if nothing ever happens with someone else. I would much rather know what my spouse is thinking than to have him keeping secrets about a desire they have for someone else.

I think most people who are married aren't just fantasizing about random people all the time. I think it is more common for them to find someone they connect with on a personal and intellectual level. That is what adds to the sexual attraction. I think if someone is in the market to just have sex with a bunch of people they are more than likely not going to be married in the first place. There are all kinds of relationships out there and I think what happens within each marriage between the 2 spouses is their business and not anybody else's place to judge. Whether it be a man or a woman.

 

I agree. It's human nature. I guess it depends on ones beliefs as to whether they should repress attraction, enjoy it without acting on, or enjoy and act on it.

 

That could be, but my friends talk about things in their lives as well. They share their thoughts on politics and religion. Why can't we discuss our inner thoughts about attraction with someone other than our partners, with honesty, without being judged because we don't share the same beliefs as the listeners. (This paragraph is not directed at you, Usedtobehoney, I think you are one of the nicest, open minded people here).

 

You don't need the disclaimer, I'm not easily offended.

I'm not saying there's anything forbidden about talking about it with friends, I just think it's a strange thing to talk about. I know people have different kinds of friendships, but for me that would be something I'd talk about with my spouse (if I was married). It just seems like a topic for private discussion and I'm imagining a group of people hanging out at a bar or something. I don't think I'd want to hear something like that in that sort of environment, but I'm not that fond of group dynamics anyway.

 

I agree that it has a lot to do with upbringing. I was raised as a Catholic also, Piaf. I'm not saying that the Catholic church is bad, but there is a causal link between being raised as Catholic and having strict beliefs about sexual activity and discussion - at least in my experience. I'm not saying that is bad either. I look at it from the point of view of the effects that a way of life has, and I think the effects are classified as good or bad based on beliefs.

I like your sig pic. I feel like I should have a cup of tea while replying.

Bad or something not as strong as bad, as in the person is bad, or as in the possible outcomes of their actions might be undesirable?

I've said before and I'll say it again, I like the directness and honesty of your posts, Piaf.

 

I agree. Too much judging out there. Why can't people see that there is no one "right" way to live a life.

 

Because sad people want to bring down happy people by name calling and judging their lives because they are jealous that the other person has something that they want.

 

I think I see what you are saying. I guess everyone has to learn the preferences of the crowd that they are in and how long before a topic gets old.

A guy that I work with has a sense of humor centered around the bathroom. I have never seen the slights evidence of humor in any of his jokes. I still think he is an ok guy and I don't judge him or his jokes - some of the guys at work think hes very funny.

I have to put in the disclaimer Usetobehoney - I'm not directing this at you, I don't think I have ever read a post in which you judged someone. Your response just set me up with this reply, which is related to my friend being judged.

 

I don't think so. Jealousy cannot be the reason for everything.

 

Thanks, you're probably in the minority xD

 

I agree in a lot of cases that is true, probably most. I've seen it happen many times. Some people want to have a reason why they are not getting what others have. Sometimes we have to make up the answers to make ourselves feel better. But there is no reason to make someone else feel bad in the process. There is no excuse to use someone to make oneself feel good.

A lot of it is closed mindedness - most people think there is one way that things should be. And have to pass judgement, or name call others because they are not like them.

My first big eyeopener about how closed minded I am started over 30 years ago. There was a gay guy in the grade ahead of me when I was in the 8th grade. All of my friends, including me, made fun of him(I grew up in a small hick town). If someone was joking about him I laughed. I did not know him well, as I didn't want to be associated with him. He seemed to do alright though. He had plenty of female friends.

In my 3rd year of college, I transferred to another school. By coincidence this guy was in one of my speech classes. Mid semester, he gave a speech on life as a homosexual. When he started off, there was a lot of whispering and snickering. But as the speech became more emotional, everyone began listening. I never before considered this guy's feelings until now. I never even thought about how hurtful words and actions could be. Right then and there, I was more ashamed of myself than I had ever been before in my life and I still feel some of it to this day. As he started to tear up I started to fall down.

I realize now that his feelings, beliefs, way of life, etc..., were different from mine, but how could I or anyone else say who's was right or more important. His pain was no different from the pain a heterosexual would feel. I guess I still had a lot of learning left to go, because I felt the urge to go up there and hug him, but I was afraid of what people would think.

I can't imagine what it is like being gay, or bi, or have fetishes that are considered weird, or be of another race, or female, but I do believe we should all be treated with the same respect without double standards and without judging.

Edit: actually I don't see a point in judging anyone about anything. If someone is doing something you don't approve of either mention something to them about it - you may have your mind changed - or just ignore it. Why stir up trouble.


I know there are a bunch of you that are tired of hearing me say, "sorry for the rant", but I am sorry. I had a red bull a little while ago.