patterns in relationships

good morning to you all. and is it a good morning. woowee. 13th day of work in a row and tomorrow i am off. you cannot understand my thrill. i was gonna post this in the relationship forum but i thought i would do it here, whenever i post somewhere else i dont get replies.

have you ever noticed a pattern to your partners? i do! i have discussed this with several of my friends and they all see the same thing in me. i tend to become romantically involved with the guy who needs a mama, the type that i have to say "now so and so, why is it that you spent all the money?" "how come you dont come home?you should call""stealing that was so wrong" i am not sure if it was because i have had to be a caretaker almost my entire life. first i am an oldest child, then i had a brother born mentally and physically retarded, adn lastly my mother's braindamaged from a car accident. we had her at home for A WHILE. so at the age of 13- i was helping take care of my little sis, my special brother, my mother who required feeding, changing and anything else you can imagine; also a stepfather who was going out of his mind and turning to coke and crack. it was just the way it was- i am not bitching just explaining a background.
seems life has thrown me the hand of being caretaker. no biggie-its kinda fun. but the men i get involved with are ones that are not emotionally mature. they are the ones that run to mommy to fix thier problems. they are always....and i dont know how this fits into the equation...an addict of some sort. my ex died from an overdose. my husband(his is a little different)is a "i cant say no." if it is there he does it, even if its a matter of putting us on the line. these men always have an "i dont do anything wrong attitude" perhaps it is the addiction, as i have been told or perhaps its cause i let them convince me that it was me.
now here is the tide change. i am at a different spot in my life now. i am strong and confident and beautiful. i dont mean that i always feel that way. i am human and in being so i go through days where all i do is mentally kick my ass. i dont feel i am pretty enough or smart enough or what my ideal man would be looking for. but those days are less and less, the self love that i feel now is quickly squashing away those demons of self doubt. i say and smile saying it because i know it to be true....that next time....i will not settle for anything less than my soulmate. and my soulmate will not tell me that he "hates the way i think"(as my hubby has said)
do you think it is possible to change patterns---to go from being a rescuer to being a patner? my selections havent intentionally followed this pattern at all, just seems to be the way it is. i think since i feel a large glowing energy inside myself now that i would not be satisfied with anything but a lover who can give to me as much as i want to give to them!!!

do you have patterns, a certain type taht you tend to gravitate towards? do you think people can start a new cycle or are stuck in the one they are currently in, afterall, everything else in nature is cyclical?!!!

 

I somehow gravitate towards people who are in need of help without even knowing it. I am also a care taker, being a cancer/moon-child it's built in. For me personally, I've tried to change this pattern and still end up with S.O.'s who are in need of help. You know, when you first meet them they'll act all independent them you find out later that's definitely not the case. So I'm not quite sure if you can change things like that. Thankfully though, I broke myself of being with addicts and users (I don't count marijuana as a drug) of any sort, that was a tough road man.

 

yeah, i know what you're talking about marie. all i ever wanted was someone to take care of, someone i could admire and be their number 1 fan. someone i could place on a pedestal. someone that somehow i percieved as better than me somehow, but who needed me, because i never really had any attachments growing up.

but when i got it, i realized after many years (well, 8, that IS many for someone who was 23) that i didn't want to be his mommy anymore. i had to learn that i had worth beyond being someone's caretaker, and that sometimes i needed to be taken care of, too.

so...i spent some time alone. i had to learn to let people be people, and to not place all my expectations on some poor guy that could probably never live up to them. i had to learn to let go of people i loved, not to smother them and try to control them.

now i've found dave, and yes, i do think in many way's he's better than me. but in other ways he thinks i'm better than him. we fulfill our roles in the relationship without crowding each other out or trying to enforce our own will all the time. i don't need him with me 24/7. i'm his wife, not his babysitter. i don't require knowing where he is and what he's doing all the time. he's a big boy and can take care of himself.

i can't tell you what a huge weight this is off of me. dave can go do the things that make him happy without me getting all worried about him and stressed out, because i trust him not to damage our family or our friendship. and he feels the same way. whatever we may do with our time, our family is the #1 concern and no one is takign either of us away. it's a huge relief.

as for personal characteristics, it's funny how similar my men have always been. they've all been virgos, large nosed, strong jawed, wirey strong and dark. though dave has blue eyes, he's the first. there's just a type that suits me. my ex is married to a girl who my mother thought was me at first. i don't take that as som trying to re-create our relationship, though my mother wanted to take some savage, perverse pleasure in the idea. he'd always liked my TYPE, though he and i did not ultimately suit, and vice versa.

 

the whole expectations thing used to be a problem with me. i used to be so heartbroken when someone didnt meet my expectations, but i learned with jamie(the ex) that pattern only causes pain. it is much lighter when you dont have that weight on your shoulders

 

Hey Marie!

I know how you feel. My exwife sounds just like your husband. Sometimes there is not much you can do because most people in their 20's, do not want to change or are incapeable of changing. You can only do so much to help out a person, and the rest is up to them. But, how your husband would put you and your daughter "on the line", to get a little buzz is really upsetting. I really do not know you really good, but from what I know, you are a really great person! You are beautiful inside and out! You diserve a lot better! I am so sorry that you feel pain and your expectations are disappointed . Do not give up Marie! Someday, you will find you "soul mate". I just know you will.


~namaste~

 

oh geez thanks alot. i know i will. i am positive of this. did you once have a pattern of relationships previous to your current wife though

 

I sure did. I used to think that every woman that I met was the same way, until I met my wife. There always seems to be some type of "baggage" or "skeleton in the closet" that comes along that will just tear things apart.........



~namaste~

 

I hope that I did not upset you Marie buy what I posted........


~namaste~

 

OMG MARIE THAT WAS A LONG POST!!!
Can someone please say in one or two lines what it said?

 

NO doda you didnt offend me. just the opposite. you made me smile but i didnt really want this to be about me really.
but no you are always a sunray bro

 

Maybe once in a while, things need to be about "Marie" from time to time.......


~namaste~

 

ok i am now gonna add you to my crush list

 

Awww Shucks! (kicks foot in the dirt)*blushes*


~namaste~

 

aw shucks. that makes me happy. now back to the thread at hand

 

i have a lot of negative relationship patterns in the past, and while i'd be lying to say that i think i've completely overcome and moved beyond them i can say at least that i believe i have a much clearer perspective on them now.

in the past i've frequently found myself in a dance of used- and-user. i have let myself be both helpless and controlling, sex object and emotional babysitter, needy and needed. there are no victims here, there are no evil intents; more it was simply an unspoken agreement of mutual dysfunction. my first serious relationship was with the boy - i do not flatter either him or myself by calling him a man - who was to become my first husband. i had a bad situation at home, and i stayed in what i knew was a bad relationship, moved away and married him, because i was using him to get away from my dad. i've almost ruined friendships by trying to turn them into relationships, and i broke a few hearts pretty bad, back before i had kids, when i was still young and pretty. that was before i learned to separate sex and love. i think things got a little healthier then, although in one sense i think the used-and-user patter simply dropped its relationship charade. but at least at that point i was honest with myself about what was going on.

i married my second husband because we'd met over the internet, became good friends, and i couldn't imagine breaking up with him, and i was afraid of losing him. we lost a baby together about a year or two into our relationship. i'm not going to sugar-coat it: i had an abortion. we were desperately poor, the pregnancy was very high-risk and unsafe from the start, and we had no medical coverage, but it was a very sad and difficult process for us both. we agreed to get married soon after that. but getting married didn't negate or bring back the pregnancy, and having another baby hasn't saved our marriage.

i think i have a pattern of being attracted to men who are young, or immature. young men are playful, energetic, and sexy, and immaturity can be fun, but it doesn't make for healthy long-term relationships or parents. my husband is 5 years younger than me, and i was his first relationship and his first sexual experience. i think he was too young and not ready to become a husband and father, and i think we'd both be healthier and happier if he had a little more experience. i'd love to see him get counselling, to save this, but to be quite honest i don't think he's going to, and this marriage is probably not going to last. and part of me wishes he'd just go find someone to fuck. trust is breaking down, and lately even though i love him i don't want him touching me...however quite frankly i think i can use a little more vitamin cock in my diet. maybe i'll get over it, maybe this marriage will somehow miraculously be saved, maybe i'll humiliate myself again or (unlikely) fuck my sketch buddy even though he's 10 years younger than me, or maybe i'll find a scruffy tattooed hippy to roll in a muddy field with a bottle of gryphon's faerie dew at starwood.

and the pattern will either continue or change. my irresponsible relationship patterns are no longer only messing up my own life, i have kids to consider too. and maybe i'm a crappy parent for even thinking of straying, but the current pattern isn't healthy either, and cannot be simply ignored. whatever happens, i'm going to have to be the one to make that decision, and i hope i can be present and make that decision consciously, aware of and able to accept the consequences.

 

you know absolutely everything you described about your marriage relates to me and why i ended mine. i didnt want him to touch me. and this made me cry. i didnt want to feel this way towards him. i loved him. but sometimes things just arent meant. i dont know if this makes me selfish or smart.

 

.....i admire ya so much woman.

 

me? why for heavens sake, i am just a fecked up human

 

after readin that, man, your strong, and i think its cause your used to helping folk, that you play the role of caretaker, cause it comes natural.


i think yer great, and youve gotta way with words.

and my pattern! so far, it seems, i go for complete loosers. i donno, there hasnt been enough for me ta see the true similaritys just yet, cept that they're all assholes..

i think i let men walk all over me.
but, thats gotta change.

 

well seems that the majority of men are losers or assholes

and the majority of women are bitches or nags
it is just finding the right balance for you.

and lots of love to you too. you are such a sweetheart!!!