Overbearing Mother in Law Seems to Come Along w Each New Child

Okay wasn't sure whether to put this in "All in the Family" or here or Mental Health... but I decided on here although all would have worked I suppose.

I'm gonna approach this topic from the past to the present I think instead of starting with the present. My mother in law is nice and I deal w her just fine-in small doses. Meaning I wouldn't ever wanna live with her but I am be around her and we get on fine. Anyways... things are usually just fine and def were before first kid.

Her becoming overbearing started happening a cpl months before the birth of hubby's and my first child. My mother in law offered to pay for but NEEDED to go with us to pick out ALL of the baby stuff-room stuff-etc that we didn't get at the baby shower. I didn't mind doing some of it w her but wanted just hubby n I to pick some out alone but she wasn't having that.

Before our first arrived she started w asking us once if we wanted her to take some time off of work to come stay with us for a cpl weeks (or God...months...)-We told her no thanks but if anything changed n it became too hard and we changed our minds we'd let her know. That didn't bother me. Then she asked again and added that HER mom in law stayed w her when she had her kids and she loved it soo much n it was soo helpful n she always told herself she'd return the favor to her daughter in law. We told her the same thing and NICELY still. She ended up asking or mentioning the offer at least five more times and how much SHE wanted to do it... becoming more and more pushy. Each time we told her the same thing. This eventually started to bother me so much.

Even the way she acted in the hospital after our son was born. Of course she was welcome to visit. But there was one particular incident where she did not get a hint RIGHT IN HER FACE that gives me waking nightmares of a re-occurrence to this day... this may sound petty to someone else but to me it was a HUGE DEAL. After being awake over 24 hours, pushing out a baby and having tons of visitors- and having a headache, pictures of the baby lined up for shortly after and every free second literally being spent w various hospital personal, and visitors...and learning to nurse my son (he was eating every 1.5 hours or even more)- she shows up. After about a half hour we tried to ask her if she could go to the cafeteria or something so I could take a nap and then she could come back. When my mom was in later and I needed to sleep my mom sat way off to the side while baby and me slept and knitted quietly and waited til we were awake to visit. But with my mom in law I ended up bursting into tears when she REFUSED to leave for a little and just broke down..telling her I was EXHAUSTED, haven't been able to sleep in going on two days and I just need to sleep soooo bad- that my body was breaking down. The baby was SLEEPING. She sat in a chair RIGHT BY MY HEAD and talked for an hour and a half very loudly and pretty much to herself... while I sat there trying to be polite but quietly crying. She had NO respect for me what so ever.

Anyways, these were just a FEW examples of how she was w first child...esp at first... she still insists on being way too involved for what I prefer at times but it's not NEARLY as bad. But now that in two months we are having our second child I am getting worried again! Very much so.

There were just a few little reasons at first but they are starting to add up more and more the closer it is to due date.
Just today our vehicle is in the shop and I asked her if she would give my husband a ride to work. She showed up WAY earlier than necessary when hubby was still sleeping and interfered in various ways w my routine w my son. That right there bugs me and then she said "I wish I would have planned to spend the night- that way he could have taken the car to work and I could have stayed here and waited for it overnight and taken it home tomorrow".... first of all that doesn't even make sense w where she lives compared to us and his work but whatever. Secondly, oh God no... this place is like 5 rooms and I stay up late on the couch and she's just annoying w anything overnight. Also didn't INVITE her for that. If your'e not invited overnight....

But what really is getting me worried is she said to hubby and me then before they left "Well, I told my supervisor at work that my grandkid is due to arrive soon and that I'll def need some time off of work to come stay with you guys"..... What?! No. Please no. Don't tell me this is starting again.

I mention it to hubby on phone when he calls me on break and... "She mentioned it to me a week ago and what she told me was that she was telling them a while just in case we want her to stay here for a while and she was just telling me that she'll be able to"....

That doesn't make me feel any better that she's already brought it up once to my husband and now once to both of us. And I can just tell it's going to get worse and worse w more and more pressure.

I just don't think I can take how overbearing she gets AGAIN. I only used a few examples in this thread but trust me, there are many more. Just.. more stuff like this but in some odd way seem to me almost like she's trying to be the mother number two or even number one around here. It's hard to explain but I wish there was a way for me to get her to back off a little. Without being mean. She doesn't even understand STRONG HINTS though.

Is this type of thing normal w in laws or grandparents in general?
None of her other kids ...other than my hubby had any kids and they won't because they are all well into their 40's... but that's not my issue. She already got to be the parent to three kids. Now it's my turn to be the mommy.

This really starts to effect my mental health in a way. It stresses me out a lot.

 

Well one way to tend your mental health is to tend hers as well because it is in question. She is trying to take possession because somehow she interprets need. It may be that she is needy for something to invest herself in. There is nothing wrong with her intent but her own neediness may overwhelm her capacity to pick up on hints. One of the things that bothers you is you don't want to be mean but you don't have to be, just be firm and sincere. Speak from your own heart as a mother for your family and share what you have shared with us about your personal time of bonding together. Appeal to her good sense and desire to be helpful to redirect her energy. Maybe ask grandma to set up a place at her house where grand kids can come visit. You may find her a relief later when you want to get out. Reassure that you have things in hand but it doesn't hurt to ask for help if you need something done.
I would get on the same page as dad or you on his if it is a mutual problem.

 

Thanks for your response and the great advice. I will def, esp. if this continues which the signs are showing me it most likely will, have to think of the best way to be not mean but to also be firm enough. Gotta strike the right balance with her I think.

Well, couple times are that it wasn't too long before first child came that her husband died and she's been living alone since then. She works and stuff but other than work... I can't see that she does ANYTHING for herself that isn't about or for her kids and grand kids. She does date, doesn't have friends that she does anything with, not involved in any religious or social activity (or..anything...gyms, volunteering, anything)--- She claims she hates to eat... hates spending money on herself... she literally works and focuses on my son and my husband. She babies my husband too. Is always trying to give him money when he doesn't need it (because in the past he asked a couple times, help w something temporary)... now she sends checks in the mail with notes saying "got a bonus at work and nothing to spend it on, enjoy!"--- It's bizarre that that bugs me too.. shouldn't complain about free money but in a way it's two things... pride-hubby makes plenty of money now to support us. Not enough to just go crazy but you know, more than ENOUGH. And two.. it's almost like I get a sense that she's... maybe subconsciously?....trying to buy her way in her more, buy more influence?

My husband IS on the same page... BUT it's tough. Cause that's his mom, you know? He agrees with me about everything I wrote and he's willing to be the one to discuss things w her usually and tell her no and stuff... but at the same time... When things don't work (say we tell her something once or twice and she just doesn't get it) and I go to my husband to talk about it... to figure out how to deal with it, what to tell her- he thinks I let it get to me too much. For example, about the her wanting to stay here when kids arrive thing (in this small space? Really. Smh.)- He just tells me "Yea, well, don't worry about it because we're not gonna tell her to come so she won't come". And then it kinda just bounces off of him and he doesn't get bothered by repeated attempts. So I guess I'm just trying to say he agrees with all I say but it doesn't BOTHER him and it bothers me so I don't totally feel like he knows where I'm coming from. And if I talk about it too much to him, it's his mom... so...

 

Sometimes you have to stick to your feelings and know that you do know what is best for all of you. It can be done in a really nice way but it still needs to be done.

 

. opps

 

I think this is a big issue, and I am guessing but would not surprise me if the motherinlaw has some personality issues/ disorder.

Both you and your husband need to be very firm and assertive with this woman or she will likely take and take and take.

It sounds like she wants the baby to be HER life, and wants to be the center of attention/control in the whole situation.

If it was me, I'd personally be quite angry with her, and warn her: Smarten act your game or we will consider CUTTING YOU OUT of our lives, but such a mindset is probably too drastic for you. I personally need my boundaries and don't tolerate others trampling on them.

Best wishes, please keep this thread updated, hope their is a positive outcome.