Zanarkand: I am trying to learn from my experiences ... and ALL (yes, ALL) of my experiences have pointed in one direction. So of course I don't trust ... Right now most of my problems have the same root. Sex. (Well, and money, but I'm doing the best I can do on that front.) I never had poor self esteem until I allowed someone to have sex with me, and since I have poor self esteem now, I have had sex with other people who did not care about me, so I feel dirty and have poor self esteem. Cut out the fucking and I have a happy life ... until the next time I feel inadequate for not having sex, and then start the whole cycle over. Oh ... I think you've misinterpreted me. I'm not a downer, I'm not depressed all the time. I just think a lot. I admit to crying myself to sleep sometimes when the hopeless feeling sets in, but I always wake up feeling ... well, alive. I dance in the rain and listen to music and laugh often for no reason at all. I'm happy being alone, a self-contained universe ... but sometimes I do wish for a companion and then get deeply into thought. Pajamas: That's why I do it too. Because while it is happening I feel so honored that he thinks enough of me to use me as balm for his loneliness. And because it is balm for my own loneliness as well, at least for a time. And I personally am always an optimist and always think, "This time is gonna be different ... this time we are still going to be friends in the morning." Or else I wouldn't do it I'm an optimist .. I think so too. But then I remember that the time I thought I had found it ... ended up being the biggest lie of my life ... and so I wonder if it's ever really good enough to be true. Yeah ... thought I had found that ... but I was wrong. I'm just scared of being wrong again ... And yeah ... you're probably thinking I'm a downer ... but actually I'm just contemplative. I believe there is something good out there. I am just not sure there is something good out there for me ... and believe it or not, that's all right. I'm happy alone ... I just wonder why it has to be that way. PS: Yes. That IS me in those pictures
Suncatch, you're very logical, perhaps too logical. It's more important I think, to be thoughtful and adorable --- and both things I'm sure you are, simply from reading your posts and looking at your pic. Perhaps you're over-intelectualizing things? It might be more important to accept your feelings. Like, "I don't want marriage and children", rather than adding "perhaps I'm not female inside." "Female" is a figment of the imagination anyways, outside of the biological element, of course. I agree about the schism, I do not agree that the peg always comes out on top. That is false, and my experience is here to prove it. I've been at the receiving end of a lot of the experiences you've been through and I'm a male. As a matter of fact, the schism greatly impoverishes my experiences with women, and I resent it. The macho thing's got to go, as far as I'm concerned. For what it's worth, I think communication, mutuality, and accepting one's feelings, however irrational, are the tripod of any relationship. Hopefully, you'll find someone since I'm sure you are able to make others happy. Your self-esteem issues SURELY carry more than simply the people you've been hurt by... It almost has to have some kind of origin in your family life (I guess I am influenced by Freud, I confess). Work on those and understand what kinds of people do you good, and what kinds do you harm. They don't know what they are missing.
Waiting is not what makes sex be of consequence. It is mutuality and the understanding that human beings aren't expendable. JMO>
Suncatch, you're obviously not happy alone otherwise you wouldn't be posting about it. No one really is, no matter what they say. We were made to share feelings and experiences, not to live in some imagined self-contained universe. Be honest with your feelings... There is nothing to be scared of if you're communicating properly with your partners. I suspect you haven't had the courage to communicate your feelings in the past... from the get-go. THAT, is the root of all evil.
Nope .... no offense but that is total Bull. You girls are brainwashing yourselves with philosophical BS just because it sounds good.
Exactly, and that's something that can't be overemphasized. There are plenty of women that use sex as a tool also, and treat men as if they are expendable. It really all depends on the individual, male or female, and what their attitude toward life is.
Hey, I am actually very offended that you said that. I didn't make it up. HE said it. And that does not sound "GOOD" to me. Are you trying to say women are making this all up, and men are the victims? Next you're going to tell me God made me to be used by others, so I just ought to enjoy it and stop complaining. I know there are users of both sexes. I never said there wasn't. So get off my f*cking case and please stop twisting what I say -- or assuming that the things I say are the only things I think. Thanks.
Suncatch, I think there is a case of miscommunication going on right now. When I read Zanarkand's post I actually nodded, and the last thing I want to do is to be offensive or confrontational. Maybe he didn't put it in the most sensitive of ways, but he sensed (like I did) that you somewhat attribute the treatment you received to the male gender. I, along with two other posters of the male gender, are trying to communicate to you that we have received the same treatment from the female gender. If we take it to a societal, abstract level, it is clear that women are oppressed and objectified to a greater extent than men. But THAT is the catch: Just because a country has a humongous GDP, it doesn't mean individual citizens might not be poor. When you take it to the individual level, there are many men who not only deeply empathize with your experience, but men who would also like to change the whole male-female "schism" you mentioned around. Count me as one of them. I hope I haven't sounded confrontational, condescending, or offensive. :leaving:
Oh, yeah -- I know girls are jerks too, no argument there I also know not all men are jerks, either. You're right -- I definitely DO know that it's all an individual thing. Okay, fex -- thank you! I had interpreted you correctly all along, but thought Zanarkand was arguing or somehow opposing me. What I am trying to say is, I know I'm young, folks ... but I'm also not COMPLETELY naive . When I talk about "women", I don't necessarily mean ONLY "people who have XX chromosomes and vaginas." I mean all people, regardless of biological sex, who play the role that society typically associates with people of the female gender. But don't take that to mean I'm calling you "women." I guess it's just too complicated to explain on an Internet forum
You're okay, Zan. I have a problem with wording, too -- otherwise I wouldn't have to keep clarifying. Sorry I jumped to offense ... there is of course a whole 'nother back story to my reactions (personal messages telling me to "stop dramatizing everything" and to "quit the pity party"). At any rate, no worries ...
This is what it's all about, folks. Communication is king! I should know since I'm having a relationship with someone right now who frequently behaves like a wall... it is the most grueling experience women have provided me along the years. Almost everything else is acceptable to me, so long as I'm not constantly talking to an answering machine... Get my drift? :dupe: But ya gotta keep going, I guess.
Dear Suncatcher, you are an extraordinary person and I am not here to teach you anything. But, I would remind you that all of your experiences come out of an operational software: a matrix of assumptions, beliefs and ideas, usually formed before you had a chance to say anything about it. A different version of what is real would be as real as this one. So, if you are willing to be wrong about it, you can find a different version of the real, and it will be as real as this one. My problem is/was that I grew up with a father who was very imposing about his ideas about what was right and wrong, true and untrue, real and unreal... so my task is to unlearn these and allow myself to choose my own. For example, what about people who's point of view is: "People are stupid." Do they get to be right? Do they find out how right they are. Of course. They are often, incidentally, often of only above average (and not brilliant) intelligence themselves. What if your perspective is that many people are smart, that most seem to have a genius like capacity. Could you find evidence to support that point of view? Hell yeah. And, if that was your point of view, you would of course see that much more than people of the former. Or how about the point of view that people are kind and helpful. That's a good one to be right about. My suggestion is that you begin to see yourself as beautiful, attractive and sexy. Look at yourself. Could you find yourself attractive? I think you are. You need to be attracted to yourself, and become a good lover for yourself. Then go out, and the guy you attract, share your anxiety early on. If he is willing to teach you (I doubt he won't be), you're golden. If you're willing to learn, that is. Also, you need to know what works for you (gets you off), and how to teach him. And be willing to ask for it. That seems like a challenge for some women. But just stay with it. That doesn't mean you won't take some time off from sex and relationships; that's fine if you do that. But during that time, cultivate this idea of yourself as desirable, and get comfortable with the idea of learning to please someone and of being willing to ask for what pleases you. These situations where you got used, every one of them will be instructive in your new life. You will have learned a tremendous amount. Love is instinctive but sex and relationships are things we need to learn, like playing an instrument. Okay?
Also, do you believe in people types? You should study up on actress Meg Tilly. Read her book maybe, and especially watch any movies she is in. I think it might be helpful to you. She's really fascinating and interesting.
