Out and Old

Back in my 20s, I began to come out, and I was exploring and experimenting with the gay lifestyle in my city. I began to tell some friends, and my cousins... but I didn't feel like there was much support or way to really get connected solidly with it all, and after a few negative experiences, I decided to go back in the closet and go straight. I got married to a woman, and began to have a family...
Fast forward to my early 50s - life changed. The kids were grown. The marriage was OK, but I was not happy. Our sexual relationship, and her affection for me, was gone... and I began to think selfishly, but also facing the old truths about who I really was. Is this the way I want to live the rest of my life? Sitting there across from this woman who rarely talked with me and played games on her phone most of the evening?
I made a choice to come out and explore this gay world again.
I've been out to my family, and some friends for the last several years. My wife and I came close to getting a divorce, but have not, and even though we have dealt with the death of our marriage, separating our financials, and living separately. we still live in the same house. Believe it or not, there are many days we go 5 or 6 days without seeing one another... yet, I know she is only on the other side of the wall in the in-law apartment we have on this house.
I am 67 years old now. My kids are all grown up, solidly in their 30s. I have little grandchildren. We get together quite often for family time and with the holidays coming up - we will all be together.

So - what's the problem?
I am lonely. I am restless. I go out a lot, maybe drink too much, socialize with other gay men, and I have a lot of fun... But I still come home alone. I have a fair share of casual sex. It's good. I'm no prude. But, I do not have anyone who wants to hold my hand or caress my face, or just sit next to me while I watch a movie. There is nobody to tell me I'm OK, or to make sure I get home safely after we've been out - because there is no "we". There is only me.
I am dealing, also, with the fact that I am in the winter of my life. I hope it is early winter, but you know - it's unpredictable, just how long winter will last. I am feeling the effects of being an older man in the gay world - I am not ready to go to the Senior Center. I still want to be hit on by someone who thinks I'm sexy. I still want to be sexy.
I am dealing with the reality there is a very good chance that I will live the rest of my life like this - alone.

 

I hear you, @thepapasmurph . My situation is a little different in that I am trans, not gay, but a lot of what you say resonates with me. Finding out on my 60s that I was trans (after a lifetime of wondering why I was so weird) explained a lot, but put a strain on my marriage of 20 years. My wife is not a lesbian, but I am. It makes for a less intimate relationship than I would like, but we are trying to make it work.

It is a bit lonely, though we remain committed to each other. You can do the math: I got married in my 40s. The time before that was not spent in "youthful indiscretions". On surveys that ask about sexuality, I check "lesbian" and "asexual". I don't know how to flirt and wouldn't recognize a flirt if someone did it to me. And even if I could, I just can't do that to my wife, who has stood by me through the whole coming out experience.

I have always tried to take good care of my body, but suddenly, two years ago, I got old. January 2022, I was in hospital for three weeks with pneumonia, and I just didn't get my energy back after that. I am going to try to make my remaining years, however many or few they may be, good ones. But the reality is that my best years are likely behind me. Getting old sucks, but it beats the heck out of the alternative.

 

Apparently we are all in the same boat, age wise.

It is what it is, and making the best of it is my thought.

 

I read a post a friend put out on Facebook yesterday, and two other friends posted similar separate, unrelated posts about aging, etc. Maybe it was the status of the moon, or maybe it's just where me and my friends are all similarly arriving at the same... we are getting old. There is no arguing about it anymore.
But, one of the articles that I first mentioned, there was a quote in the story my friend posted which I am going to try to remember going forward... "No Letting the Old Man In!" So, we can all use this line. Just don't let the Old Man take over, or for you, @KathyL - the Old Lady... Don't let that person take over and don't give in to settling or crumbling into the mindset that we do not have some living to do. It changes, of course, but it does not have to be over until it is over.

 

Great post! Thanks for sharing

 

I've been thinking about retiring... I've been thinking about it for a long time, but had anxiety over it. Couldn't explain it to myself. THEN, the pandemic hit. Odd thing happened. I was just under the "acceptable age of retirement". My full Social Security benefits were not quite there due to age... yet, some of my friends were accepting their companies' offer to retire. My company asked me to stay on - full-time - work from home in a new and different sort of way, and I accepted. At first, the work load was light, and I was restless and hated being home every day. This told me I was not ready to retire and have no plan. I could not spend my day watching TV or cruising the internet... As time went by, I began to realize I just wasn't ready and I needed to let go o the notion that retirement was mandatory, or at least expected, at a certain age.
Happily carrying on for three + more years. I am thinking it might be time now to do something different. I am talking with myself about telling my boss in the new year, that I would like to drop back to part time. I hope I might be able to get him and those in authority at my company to allow me to have a bit of flexibility... and maybe work an equivalent of about 24 hours a week, maybe a little more, maybe a little less. And, I guess if they say no - I will decide to resign/retire closer to June. I will be 68 years old in June. Seems it might be a good time to cut back a little.
That's my thought now. I just know that I still fear this unknown of hours and hours of unstructured time. I cannot melt into the sofa like putty. I have to keep the old may away from me.

 

@sureño I should probably allow @KathyL to answer you, but I am going to take a stab at it.
She is not twisting everything. She is a trans woman who is attracted to women. That is why she called herself a lesbian.
When we come to terms with ourselves later in life, such as Kathy has done, our choices and decisions not only affect ourselves but the people we love. Kathy, I presume, married her wife before she came to understand that she is a woman. She may very well have presented herself as a man to her wife years ago but has transitioned since then to where she is now.
She no longer "reckons" herself as a man, but her wife most likely reckons herself as a straight female who is attracted to men, and she loved the man she married, but still loves the woman he became.
Life is far from easy for any of us to understand.
I hope you posted this because you sincerely wanted to understand, and you were not being negative or sarcastic.
Aging has its own challenges, but when we add the other matters - those of us who finally faced our real selves, coming out as gay or bi or trans later in life - wow, all the things we once knew and relied upon get tossed. We have to figure out our equilibrium all over again.

 

Thank you, @thepapasmurph ! I could not have said it better myself.

@sureño no point in my typing the answer again. Papa said exactly what I would have said. It is not at all confusing.

I am not a man, though I admit there was a time in my past when I thought I was. I don't "need" to be a lesbian; I just am.

 

I hope you find this guy you are looking for @Gonzobirdie. I'll tell you - there is nothing quite like it when you experience this with someone you really connect with -
A lot of the guys here talk about sex in relation to sex - and many of the guys here understand their desire to be with another man in the most basic form of sexual tension and release - but to meet a man you really connect with, who gets you for you - for who you are - and you get him - and you also have this sexual chemistry as well. That's something very special, indeed.

 

I hope you find this guy you are looking for @Gonzobirdie. I'll tell you - there is nothing quite like it when you experience this with someone you really connect with -
A lot of the guys here talk about sex in relation to sex - and many of the guys here understand their desire to be with another man in the most basic form of sexual tension and release - but to meet a man you really connect with, who gets you for you - for who you are - and you get him - and you also have this sexual chemistry as well. That's something very special, indeed.