only questions remain in the absence

Old Crone, all I have are questions that spin round in my head. I can’t make sense of any of this. People tell me to just forget and move on, but I need to understand what happened, learn from it and then move on. No one's counsel satisfies me.

I just broke off an engagement. The engagement lasted a year, the relationship total was about 3 years long. The relationship was abusive and unhealthy.

In the past year my ex would get disgustingly incoherently drunk and verbally abuse me, and sometimes physically abuse me. He would prey on the insecurities and flaws he knew, b/c I revealed them to him in trust and intimacy. I mistakenly assumed I could be myself, flaws and all, around someone who loved me. But he only resented them, I believe. I never attacked him as such although he has a lengthy list of shortcomings, too. Don’t we all?

Can you offer some much-needed insight?

Was my ex pursuing something more with his co-worker? And why was he?

She made it clear she was faithful to her bf and wanted no part of my ex and his offer of friendship. Once he took her out to dinner and kissed her goodnight on the cheek, but didn’t tell me for a week. After that, she told her bf what happened and he didn’t want her to be friends with my ex. Selfish as he is, he helped her move her things and her bfs things to a new apartment (she lived with her bf) one weekend when the bf was out of town on work.

(That afternoon, I was at the house we shared, his house, upset, crying, hysterically overcome by deep depression and ominous foreboding about the coming evening, when he wanted me to meet her.) The was the night I walked out. He was drunk on Chartreuse and made her drink some. Soon she and I were talking and getting along. Then he was assaulting her in front of me. He fell over furniture. He called my his goddess and she his muse. She was hysterical. I remained calm ( and sober) enough to call a male friend, pack up clothes medicines money checks books makeup and such. In the mean time my ex had stumbled outside and passed out on the driveway in front of the garage. My friend and I took his co-worker home.

I recently found out that after only a month he is looking for someone new. I know bc out of boredom I posted a free profile on a dating site and the fool contacted me!!!!!!!!!! Is he really that stupid that he didn’t know it was me by the basic facts of age and location, etc.? Or did he know it was me, and was once again being cruel? Letting me know he is out there again??


This hurts b/c it shows me that he doesn’t care about what we had, doesn’t see his part in its ending, and doesn’t see his flaws. It is painful to me b/c it shows he doesn’t understand or care how badly he behaved. He acted badly, hurt me and someone else, I am left confused and hurt, and he is skipping off to someone new? It adds insult to injury.

Is that what it means?

Does he understand how badly he fucked up?

When I left, I moved in with my parents. I am desperately searching for a better job, a career. I need to make more money to be able to live independently.

I have simple goals now. Get a better job, save money, buy a house, focus on and improve myself, so someday maybe when I am ready to date again, I will be a better version of myself.

I interviewed today for a job I know I could do well. I really want it.

Do you think I will get it?

How can I achieve understanding and peace with all that has happened?

All I have are questions.

 

Hi Ramblingpurse

If you have the lesson, you will also have the answer within you.

Relationships end. The vulnerbility, and emotional attachments, of he did, she did, will eat you alive with your own desires inside. As long as you live with false hopes, and the pain these fears, and places have been inside you the stronger they will become until you doubt your own self worth, and being.Take time to heal you so the wholeness of your being will shine, not because someone touches you, but because you touch the world with your inner being, and pure radiance. These places of truth will hold you, and last far longer.

Hoping he will understand what this has done to you inside is a bit like asking cows to fly. Co-dependence is self serving. The ego is stroked by the needing, and being needed. Pure love reaches with an open hand, wanting the other to become all they can without demands, and show of manipulations, or verbal, and physical abusiveness.

There is a time when you just need to say good bye. To walk away from the what if, what might have been, and or could have been. If you are in a relationship that does not love the whole of you, and is willing to touch the intimate places within you honoring the trust, and openness you give, then ask why you are still there, why you are still giving. Love does not value only what serves one side of the choice to be together. Love honors, and respects the whole connection.

The answer is he choose to be the way he is. The answer is he choose. This has nothing to do with you as a person, and your own self worth. What you choose to become in, and because of this will be your choice as well. Emotions can be like a merry go round, and never ending as long as we feed them. You have chosen to move on with your life. So embrace how you have grown, and move on blessing the experience for the lessons this time gave you.

Some are in relationships for 10, 15, 25, years, and some never walk away. The truth is how we percieve others is how we will see ourselves. So until we can be true to your own nature, choices, and heart, you will not be true to any connection, and or lover place we find ourselves embracing. This is about actions, not reactions.

When you Love the whole of the connections you do not play one against the other. You respect from within you the truth, and not the excuses you give your self for why you choose the way you did. Because as you share intimate space, and openness with someone you share who they are. They become part of you. Make that memory one of respect within yourself, and realize these are just choices, not forevers.

There never was any promise of forever, and or guarentees this would be the end all, and beginning of your dreams for romance, and or someone to share your life with. He will always be out there. So will you. What you both become of this will reflect the love you both have inside individually, and apart. If you can not love who you are, how will you ever love, and respect the one you are with. I write this as if I am writing to both of you because even when you go apart there are two sides to the whole.

To enter your own trust, and place of vulnerability will give you a strength you can not imagine. From this place you love because that is who you are. This does not mean the love you wish for will be returned to you, this only means you love from a whole place witout expectations, conditions, selfishness, and selective I will only love you if, and the way this emotion feeds me. To dishonor yourself you add dishonor to the whole. So to is when you heal yourself, you add healing to the whole.

Love was never about what is done to you, only about what you become, and maybe that is why we choose the connections we do. Grown on without fear, then the becoming one is eternal because you are love, and all that ever was.